I seriously don't know what it is. Trying so unbelievably hard to get over this person that I don't even understand why I even had feelings for in the first place. I thought we were sort of the same from what he shared with me, but we're really two completely different people and I just can't anymore. I just can't keep hurting myself by thinking that there's something wrong with me and that's why he totally ignores me now. But then again, so do I. But that's because I got the impression that I should back off and that's what I did. It's just so ugh. There's just something about him. There's something so special and great about him and I've spent so much time trying to figure exactly what that is so that I could figure out the why of why he's so appealing to me. And I guess I'll never know. And I won't try to because that's not me anymore. I've been there before and it's not pretty. That's not me anymore, I learned my lesson a long time ago.
But once this semester's over and I don't keep seeing him everywhere, that's when I'll be really be able to move on from that little episode that this semester brought.
It's funny because I feel like I'm going through a breakup which is really funny cause we never went out or anything. But there's just something so appealing about him! Ugh, I hate him for making me feel this way. It;s like he conquered my mind and is refusing to leave. And I know it's so elementary school being so shy and against telling him that I actually have feelings for him that are so foreign to me, but I can't. It would go against what I stand for, what I believe in. I seriously can't take a chance at being disappointed. There's that whole saying, "you don't know unless you try", but if things were different and we actually went through all that we were "planning" for this semester I would have told him by now. But that didn't go anywhere and there went my chance. Because I was going to tell him. But considering that we both try to pretend that we don't know each other now (which is what it really is and the impression that I get), that's not ever happening. And I guess that I'll just have to live with that "what if" in my mind for the rest of whenever. And I really hate that I'm trying so hard to push these feelings away and not being honest with not only myself, but with him. But why should I? He stopped everything. Little by little he just stopped talking to me and when he did it felt like it was out of pity.
It's not giving up, it's just moving on from something that's going absolutely nowhere.
K, I'm done venting.
