...really.
What I'm going through right now tests my willingness to be patient and trusting that the Lord will in due time grant me with what my heart yearns to have so bad; a family.
Like, I feel so empty knowing that I don't have another person to complete me, a guy. That sounds dumb, but it's true. We are all to some extent born with this desire. After all man completes woman and woman completes man so that feeling to be with a partner is natural-- at least in my eyes. And for me, this feeling is kicking me full blast and to be honest, it's making me feel like a failure in some sense because I don't go out of my way to form or at least really try to start a romantic relationship because of my fear of betrayal and rejection. At this point I have just left it up to the Lord to decide who He wants me to be with and when. I have total faith that He'll do this for me. All I need is the patience and the Spirit to tell me what the Lord wants me to know.
K, goodnight.
Seek him out at the appropriate time
School's great, it really is. I love my classes and my roommates. I love my ward, my friends-- everything.
Now let's get down to business shall we?
Last week was fast and testimony meeting and the whole week leading up to it I've had the strongest and most beautiful experiences. All of a sudden out of the blue it just hit me; it hit me that I need to share with everyone about me, the whole me. To share what has made me into who I am today and what I have denied to include in my testimony of the Gospel all this time. I've a;ways been afraid to share this with others because I felt that opening up like that made me more vulnerable than I already am. But the Lord, through the Spirit, reassured me of His biggest promise; that nothing bad would happen. That no one will judge me because after all-- I should be more afraid of His judgement than man's. It took all the strength I had to make it up to that podium that fast Sunday. But I did and I have never felt so free as I do now; as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now don't think it was something bad, like a horrible hidden past, no. I shared my testimony about faith. About how after so many years living with a physical limitation has tested my own faith and my love for the Lord. How the Gospel has been my rock upon which I built my life on. How it has helped me in the most difficult times of my life. How I rejoice over His promise to all of us that upon resurrection, we will be restored-- our bodies free of all illness and blemish.
You have to understand that this was such a HUGE step for me in every single way. The only people that know about this condition I have are my close friends and family-- so it took so much courage telling this to strangers, people I barely know. But you know what? I feel like the Lord is really pleased with this step I took, that through it I know a blessing will come of it. That this decision has allowed me to really progress in my life. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel closer to achieving something-- but what is it?
All these classes that I'm in have such a huge emphasis on marriage and family-- that it has caused me to seriously start thinking about when my time to meet my eternal companion will come. I'm so frustrated though, seriously. I'm doing everything I need in order to achieve this blessing that the Lord has promised me, so why is it taking what seems like forever? I know I'm only 20, but I just feel so strong about this, about my desire to get married. You know that scripture that says man can't be without women and vice versa? I literally feel like that; that I need a man, my companion to be me, to be the full me. Does that even make sense? I don't know, but it's the truth. I finally feel like I'm in a good place in my life right now, so I feel like it's that time that I get back on the boat that is love. I miss it, I really do. I miss being held, I miss the feeling of being loved by someone other than a friend or family. The kind of love that the Lord has made man and woman for.
I was reading my patriarchal blessing last night, especially the portion that talks about my eternal companion. It specifically said that I need to seek this guy out at the appropriate time, but how can I if have no idea of what I'm looking for or what I'm doing? I'm so bad at talking to guys that I have no idea how to even seek whoever this guy may be. I really hope that he knows how much I need him right now, how much I already love him, how much I plead for his safety and well being; that he remains true to his priesthood and his faith. That he keep himself worthy to take me to the temple when the time comes.
I know I must sound crazy, but I'm not. An eternal family is something that I've always wanted all my life. It is the biggest thing that I desire out of everything else and I pray each day that somehow I get closer to achieving this goal. From scripture study I have learned the importance of patience. And this patience is what I need more of in this situation. I need the faith that the Lord will lead me and whoever my eternal companion may be towards finding each other to be sealed for time and all eternity. All I need is patience that the Lord will bless me with this promise, that He will at His own time, not mine.
All I have is faith and that faith is what will keep me going everyday.
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