Ouch

First off, I can't space my paragraphs here-- don't know why but it's seriously annoying having what I write be sprunched up in one giant paragraph, arg. Anyway, it's Monday. Ew. I kinda like Monday's though because I don't go to class till 4:30 so it's nice. Same with Wednesdays and Fridays. Today I have to go and take my special education exam. I'm going to go directly after class though and stay at the testing center taking my sweet time and I'll be able to miss FHE. Bwahaha! Idk, I can't bring myself to be excited for FHE, like ever. Fir me at least, I see it as a waste of time honestly. I could be getting so much tome done during that time, seriously! I do feel like a total sinner for not going though.....but while I'm here I have to be super focused on my studies so really, I choose homework over that. I hope Heavenly Father understands :) For the past week, I've had the most annoying pain in my foot. It's a tiny stress fracture really. It seriously hurts to walk like a normal person so I've been wobbling like a pirate with a wooden leg so far. It's weird. And frustrating. Especially with people giving you weird and pity looks as you walk by. And I want to go over to Scott's place sometime, but while my dumb foot decodes to be stupid--- I can't really walk too far. Like Tuesdays and Thursdays are killer-- I have to walk really far to get to my class. Other days I just have to walk across the street to get to my education class. I hope that it goes away soon before my trip next week to Minnesota. Anyway, I'm hungry and have a test to study for. I might just stay and study and go take the test after class tomorrow. We'll see.

No, no,no

It's literally been FOREVER since I've written here. I'm sorry! I'm at school right now. It's my 5th semester right now. It's November. I go home next month. Yay! Seriously, I'm so fed up with everything right now. I'm tired of doing homework literally all the freaking time. It seems I never have time to do anything except that. And I'm tired of feelings. And feeling like a loser. And being single in a land surrounded by mushy couples. It literally makes you feel horrible about yourself and makes you feel like there's something wrong with you because you don't have anyone yet. Everywhere there are people getting into relationships and getting married-- then there's me over here overworking her brain and being a loser. It seriously is bad for my health being all around these couples-- it only makes me feel like some sort of fail. Anyway, moving on. Who honestly has time to wallow around and feel sorry for oneself because of lack of love? I know that the Lord has someone amazing out there for me---- he's just bettering himself for me before I meet him. Or maybe I already met him? Who knows and right now, I don't really care. Feelings of that sort are confusing and time consuming and arg. I can wait. Really. As much as I want that in my life right now, I know that in the Lord's will that may not be what He wants for me right now. All I can do is just accept it and patiently wait. Here's a topic though that I've been thinking a lot about lately--- being friends with guys. I've found that I can't be friends with guys. Why? Because I end up having feelings for them or vice versa. Like with what happened with Mike. It doesn't work because A.) either they don't like you back that way or B.) you don't like them back that way. I've thought a lot about this. Am I missing out on not giving that individual a chance if they have feelings for me? You do marry your best friend after all. And a great relationship comes when both are friends to start off with. I'm kinda starting to go through this dilemma of potentially developing feelings for a friend. I don't want to that's the thing. Agh, I hate this. Typical. Seriously though, at the moment I have feelings for like everyone right now. I wish I could turn that part of my brain off, really. I think that the reason that I may still be single is that I don't trust people, especially guys. I don't trust that there will ever be anyone who goes out of his way to talk to me and get to know me without me doing it. I know that the interaction goes both ways, but for me at least I just can't seem to do it. Whether it me with a guy I like or just a friend--- I don't like appearing like I'm being annoying by seeking them out. In other words, I don't want to seem like I'm pursuing them at all. So it's frustrating when a guy stops giving in the effort to get to talk to me because he somehow expects that I'll start seeking him out. No way, I don't do that. Never will. If you want something from me, you have to work hard for it. Whether it be friendship wise or not. When I see your effort then I might go out of my way to do the same for you if I develop a trust for you. Anyway, back to the guy thing. When a guy expresses interest, I guess he eventually expects for me to seek him out too and when I don't they think that I don't care about them anymore or whatever and then stop talking to me then poof, they disappear and the potential of anything ever happening is gone and I'm left going all WHAT THE HECK? What's the point, really? Will there EVER be a guy out there that has the kind of patience with me to break out of my protective shell? Why even try, really. I know I say this over and over again to myself, but seriously I'm so done with this whole love thing. I don't even care anymore. I'm through developing foolish fantasies in my head and developing false hopes that never end up working out. I try, I really do. It's just that no guy that I've met yet can be patient with the way that I open up to them and trust them enough. I give so much to others. I'm a listening ear, I give advice, I try to comfort-- but what do I end up getting in return? I know that I shouldn't expect anything out of the service I give to others, but there's so much I can take. And so much waiting for something great. It's really frustrating sometimes. I just want to run around and scream-- how much more patient can I be? How much more patient does the Lord want me to be? I literally think that I'm going insane with all this waiting for the blessings that the Lord has promised me. I know that I'm not the best in scripture reading, prayer, etc., but I try to be the best person I can be. I try to be kind and loving to others. How much more do I have to wait to be blessed with these things my heart so ever desires? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do? How can I develop that motivation to improve on the aspects of me that need work? Looks like I have some work to do! I really love how blogging can get me to realize the obvious, haha