Lately I've been thinking a lot about the past and it has made me want to slap myself because of how stupid I was during that one specific time of my life that makes me want to be able to redo it all over and not lose what might have been my only chance of getting what I most longed for-- even if it wasn't at al that perfect and exactly what I wanted it to be. It was close, very close and I took the liberty of personally destroying it by acting high and mighty and as if I was too good and perfect, which I wasn't and which I'm still not. I wish I could travel back in tome to that moment and talk to myself-- tell myself how much I'm going to regret it later on in life. I really wish that I can do it all over again-- the right way. So that through that second chance we could do and say the correct things and not waste time by staying silent and playing games.
I took so much for granted, so much. I was more preoccupied with holding a perfect image and not about sustaining what I had and working together to let the relationship grow. What happened in the end was fair because it was well deserved. I would have done the same thing if that were me. This situation is really driving me crazy, it really is. I've been thinking too much about the future and if I will have that chance to redo it all over again. Put into work all that I've learned in those years of absence. All that I've been thinking about was also all those things that I took for granted. It was perfect and I'd do anything to have it again. What if my hunch is wrong and a year from now nothing happens and I've been hoping all these years for something that wasn't meant to be? Out of everything wrong that I've done in my life, this is in the top 3. I try to work out the details of everything in my mind, but it just can't work. The circumstances that are in the future are both different. If something is to work out then I know it will. After all, love conquers all. I should have said something, I should have tried to fix it-- but I was weak. I try so hard letting others be happy that I put my happiness aside to let them have their way. That's what happened there. I had more than one chance after that to fix it, but I didn't. My weakness was what engulfed me and did not allow me to have the guts to fix it.
I don't get it though/ Why now? For a long time I did not give it much thought at all, but now it has hit me like a piano that falls from the tallest apartment onto an innocent unaware victim. Thinking about it has started to bring great sadness and an ache of loosing something that I have wanted and was granted the privilege to have, but let go. I don't have high hopes that it will workout, but if it does that's it. If I have it again and don't mess it up-- my aching questions and constant what ifs will be answered and solved and I can move on if it fails. I just need to know what could have been if I was more attentive to it and took better care. All that I ask is for that one chance to fix it. Just one.
I'm really eager for the future. Until that moment, I'm just going to build up that strength for that moment.
Writing is such a therapy, seriously. Organizes everything that is swimming around in my head.
