Here is a recap of how 2012 ended up being one of the worst years ever. And go!
The year started off just fine. I found a job and was getting paid pretty good too, accumulating a small pile for myself once I went back to school for spring semester. Then, something happened that to this day I still hit myself over. Because I let a good guy go and set myself up for it too by being stupid and immature. Now that I've thought of it for quite sometime now, that relationship turned into one of those that you are left wondering what could have been and feeling like it ended leaving me with an "unfinished" and "incomplete" feeling. No idea if that makes sense, but oh well. For some reason, I don't feel the effects of a break up until many moments later. So much nostalgia and feelings of "how could I have been so stupid!?" start kicking in. That's life though, you make mistakes, you act stupid, and realize it when it's already too late. And you're left with no choice but to move on and forget about it.
Spring semester started and it wasn't so bad as I thought it would be. I had totally new roommates and a new environment to get used to without the people that I had become accustomed to the previous semester. With stuff going on at home and things heating up, I was really a train wreck and the most emotionally unstable and vulnerable I have ever been. Eventually things got a bit better as the semester came to a close. I got to know my roommates that I disliked a bit more and ended up actually liking them, ended up believing all things sweet, and learned that I really can be on my own and be fine. Spring semester 2012 ended up teaching that I could be on my own, it marked the start of my independence.
I came home and things were the same, but different too. Slowly but surely my dad ended up leaving the end of the summer. One day he just got up and left, without even saying goodbye. I felt abandoned, unwanted sad, hopeless....so many emotions took over me that summer. As summer came to a close, I looked forward to fall 2012 back in Idaho. I was looking forward to seeing my friends again and other things that I had planned for myself to do. What can I say, things didn't go as I believed they would and there was friend drama towards the middle of the semester. Towards the end we resolved it and then the semester ended. That semester I learned that I shouldn't believe everything that anyone says to me, no matter how sweet or nice or great it sounds. I learned that you shouldn't waste your tears on people that aren't worth it. I learned that friendships can slowly get weaker. And I learned that the only person you can truly rely on is the Lord and yourself.
And then I came home feeling relieved that I had finally let everything negative and disappointing about the year be left behind in Idaho and finally came to learn the fact that I needed to be better again and that I couldn't be an emotional mess forever. All you can do is move forward so why waste my energy over things that I can't change?
Now that the year is coming to a close soon, I feel an even bigger sense of relief. Like I can breathe again and let that ugly cloud of depression and anxiety leave me. I turned 20 too, can't forget that. I entered a new decade in my life and now I'm entering a new year with new experiences, new lessons to learn from, new blessings, new things! And honestly, I'm throwing the "relationship" flag away. Like a forfeit. Cause all I need at this point in my life is to focus in school the most I can and to try the hardest I can, make better relationships with new friends and strengthen my relationships with old friends. The whole relationship thing can wait until later, there's no rush. I want to travel back in time and slap myself for spending so much energy and time worrying about ending up alone.
Ain't no one got time for that.
Seriously.
Now to enjoy an all night marathon of How I Met Your Mother and enjoying my homemade healthy platano raspberry smoothie to bring in 2013.
I'm alone on New Years Eve and I'm OK with it, really.
Happy New Year!
May your year be great and full of blessings!
