Lately it has been really hard. Especially with my sister leaving for college as well as my own insecurities about my relationship. There have been a lot of changes coming and sometimes it feels like they are a racer coming towards me and I'm crossing the street without looking then BAM! All the changes start hitting me all at once. It's a weird feeling all right, but somehow it also feels like I am about to uncover something magical within myself. I feel it so close. I've also taken this time to get to know myself better and start better dealing with all the emotions that seem to affect me so much and at a much higher intensity than most. There's a term for that and it too and it's called being an empath. It sometimes feels like it's something that makes me weak, so I must learn to control it. It's sounds like a superhero hahaha. Also, I feel like I lost myself a little bit with being in a relationship and I hate that. I promised myself that I would never let that happen again with any guy. That saying really is true, that one that only you can provide yourself happiness. You can never be truly happy unless you can be happy by yourself and have that ability to create that happiness. No one or anything can provide you with that happiness. It's been a tough lesson throughout the years, but I'm grateful for it. I see how the littlest things brings me happiness and it makes me feel so appreciate for the things around me. I'm proud of myself that I can create that happiness on my own. I'm slowly learning that no man can do that for me. They can only add on to that happiness in my life.
And lately, my own boyfriend hasn't really been doing that. And it's sad. He's become distant and I'm trying really hard to not overthink it and to be patient with him. I feel like telling him about how all this is making me feel is like complaining or something. It'll be like telling him how to treat me and I will not do that under any circumstances. I am not a relationship teacher and I should not be telling you how to treat a woman. Honestly, I'm tired of thinking about this and whether or not he really is becoming distant with me. All the things that I wish he would do should come because he wants to do them, not because I'm telling him. I'm not your mother. I'm just choosing to let this play out on its own. If he wants to talk to me and make that effort, then fine. I feel like all my efforts are a waste because they go unnoticed and are often dismissed. I seriously don't have time to be worry about this. I really do love him, but I sometimes wonder if all that affection and attentiveness in the beginning was all an act and now he's showing his true colors. But no man is perfect. But also I can't settle. I hate that I have this fear to speak up. That I have to follow these rules to spare feelings and to not "drive" him away. It's so dumb. Whatever, come what may. I'm only going to be about positive thoughts, faith, and only giving my attention and prioritization to the things that matter. I'm not about to be chasing anyone for attention because I can do that myself. I just hope that I'm wrong and that things change.
Because I don't want to be another woman who wastes her life waiting for a man to change and treat me right.
I'm only going to be focusing on my own happiness and bettering myself in every way. Not for anyone, but for myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment