Hey hey hey. The year is 2019 and soooooo much has happened. It's not like I'm going to fill this with everything that has happened since the last time I wrote on here. I'll just write down a summary. K cool.
* Lead teacher at a Head Start (going on my 2nd year!)
* Doing my Masters degree in Early Childhood Education Studies and am set to graduate in December 2020.
* Stacking up that debt! (hilarious but it's a reality)
* I'm in a long distance relationship with the sweetest and most kindest man to ever walk this earth. Like literally, the man never gets mad. And he's so positive and seriously has inspired me to be the best person literally since the first day I met him.
* On a never-ending journey to love myself the most that I can. Up until the point where the love just overflows.
* My sister leaves to BYU literally 9 days from now which is so unreal.
Anywho, just a small summary of the major things that have happened in my life so far since the last time I posted something on here. It's not like anyone reads this anyway except future Jessica. So to you future Jess, hello! Hope everything has worked out for you! Please try to not procrastinate writing on here. It's seriously so therapeutic being able to express everything on here. Like unloading all the troubles and little things of your life.
So, I've been needing to write this post so hopefully, it sticks in my mind and all this overthinking about my relationship and myself and my life and the future is FINALLY PUT TO REST!
In the middle of July, I finally got to meet my long-distance boyfriend, Jeff, for the first time. It was so unreal but seriously the best experience. To be with someone who just felt so right and who made me feel safe and at home and just unafraid to be myself and to accept myself the way that I am. To appreciate and love all the things about me. I really love him and hope that our relationship progresses up to the point that I can't imagine myself with anyone else and where I am 100% sure of his love for me. But we're only 6 months in which honestly and realistically is not enough time to truly decide if we are truly meant for each other, but we want to try and fight to be together the best we can. To also be realistic and give it all up to God. Because ultimately God knows what's best for us. He has a better and far more perfect plan than we have for ourselves. The best we can do is try and have faith in the Lord, in His plan for us, and in His perfect timing.
Let's unload my troubles, shall we? So, ever since returning back from vacation, I've seriously been the most depressed I've ever been in my life. It was crazy. I literally had no motivation to do anything. I started sleeping in until like 1pm, didn't go to the gym, barely had any motivation to do any homework. I woke up sad and wanting to cry for like an entire week. What the hell was wrong with me? It was Jeff. Being unhappy with this situation that I had put myself in. A love affair that was separated by almost 5,000 miles. I sure know how to pick them, don't I? Now that I had met him and been with him, I was devastated that I didn't have that anymore. Who knows when I would have that again? My trust in him was wavering. What if he realized that this was too hard and that he couldn't do it anymore? What if he meets someone better than me? All these what-ifs and scenarios played in my head. Not getting a response from him would be torture. Was he ignoring me? Was I annoying? I think the thing that spiraled me into this crazy phase was the fact that he changed since the begging of our relationship. He wasn't like before. But I've come to understand something. After we physically met, it became very real. We were real people. No longer just someone that was on the other side of the screen. I really felt that shift in our relationship after I got back. Everything just got so real and perhaps that is why I got the way I did. That fear started to set in and I began to self-sabotage myself. I started to worry about things that I didn't have to worry about. I was driving myself crazy with thinking about the future too much. What if I didn't end up with Jeff? What if he decides to go back to his country? All these what-ifs that are so far into the future and that no one except God knows if they'll happen. I guess the feeling of not being in control scared the crap out of me. I guess I'm like that now. That's a weakness I have. When I'm not in control of something and don't know how it'll end up, I get crazy and literally all my doubts settle into my head. What I've learned from this experience or journey per se so far is that this is definitely testing my patience. I am so impatient, especially with getting married and having a family. With all my pondering and intense praying and pleadings, I've come to realize that this is truly a test of my patience. I have this guy who I'm excited to see where I'll end up with him. He has all the qualities that I want in a husband. His example to me is so great. It's remarkable to me just how much of a change he has made in y life and in me. It's no lie that he plays a huge factor in my reawakened desire to be closer to the Lord and to better myself not just for me or even him, but the Lord as well. This relationship is difficult for sure, but I'm excited for the woman that will come out of this journey. We have no idea where the Lord will lead us, We have to be prepared for whatever happens. We've talked about it. He has helped my stubborn mind understand this harsh reality. I don't like thinking about it, but it's reality. All we can do is have faith that the Lord will lead us both to where we are supposed to be. All we can do is live each day in the moment and take it day by day.
Another thing about control, I feel like I am trying to control this relationship. I am comparing it to other relationships that I see. If he's not doing this and this because so and so say that he should be, I begin to overthink my relationship. I overlook all the things that he does. Just the fact that he chooses to do this with me should be enough. The fact that he is pushing me to be my best self. How he supports and motivates me in all that I do. He's not perfect and neither am I. Like any relationship, we have things to work on. I'm truly grateful that he is trying hard to make me happy the best he can. We both haven't done this before and we're both learning as we go along. I have realized just how much trust this relationship takes. The trust is so much more than just trusting that he won't cheat on me. It's trusting that what he feels for me is true. Trust that all the promises and reassurances he has given me are true and that he truly means them. I've never reached this level of trust with anyone I've ever dated before. It can be frustrating sometimes when he's not affectionate as I would want him to be or if he doesn't give me the attention that I want. That's where the control side of me tries to take over. I can't tell him how to treat me. I can't be asking him for affection. It has to be him. I don't have control over that. I only have control over my own actions. After talking to my mom, I think that he's just very cautious still about opening up and doesn't fully trust me yet, especially with how his relationships have ended in the past. I can understand how it must have left him emotionally. I'm not 100% at fully trusting him either, but I'm trying by being as open and transparent with him as I can. I know that it's going to take him a while to be emotionally open with him, but I have noticed his efforts. He's trying. I feel that I have to be patient with him in this. All I can do is help him feel safe and secure with me. To know that I would never do anything to hurt him. I truly want to give it my all in this relationship. All I can do is believe him and trust his words that his heart is in this as much as mine is.
WOW, there really are so many things I'm learning from all of this. I'm thinking about it now and wow. So grateful.
Another thing that I'm learning and choosing to live by is the fact that I can't let this relationship consume me. As Christina tells Meredith in Grey's Anatomy, he's not the sun. You are. That quote has truly hit home. I can't make Jeff the center of my life. I can't prioritize this relationship so much that I lose myself in the process. I need to be able to be my own person and so should he. I need to be able to provide my own happiness. No one or nothing can instill the happiness that I need to instill in myself. I need to continue loving myself first before anyone else. It's not selfish. When I love myself, I can love better. I need to be able to assure myself and make myself happy. I can validate myself and don't need it constantly from my partner to feel that they love me. I feel like I am so close to truly understanding this and living it. So close. Another thing that I noticed is that I need to stop looking to outside sources to tell me what a good relationship is. Like the quote goes, be in the world, but not of the world. And I think that applies to relationships as well. Especially relationships that are aspiring to be eternal.
Life is hard, it really is. But I've learned just how much you need to rely on the Lord to help you through. That week, I felt truly lost. I felt so worried and just felt doubtful of my faith in my relationship. Thinking about this now, it's like Satan has been trying so hard to attack me. It's like He's trying to keep me from something great. I'm not going to let him win though.
I will put all my trust in the Lord. I will give him all my worries and he'll take care of the rest. All I need is to trust Him with all that I have that He will provide me with the desires of my heart. He knows what I want most of all in this world and I'm confident that He will take that into account.
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