I can really be overdramatic

In relation to the post below-- well then. 

Well played God, well played.

So after that post and venting on here, I decided to go out and sit on the porch despite it being freezing outside. So I put on my coat, grabbed my scriptures and left. At that time the only thing that could truly calm me down was the scriptures-- whatever I read was going to help me and boy did it. At first I started reading D&C, but something wasn't right. So I started with the New Testament instead and started with Matthew. I read about the birth of Christ and how King Herod was after him and how they escaped to Egypt then came back and the formation of the 12 disciples up until the Sermon on the Mount. What got me was what Jesus said about loving our enemies, blessing those that curse us, and turning the other cheek when wronged. What was I accomplishing by being angry? I don't remember exactly where I read it, but I read somewhere that being angry is like threatening to throw a rock at someone while squeezing a bunch of salt-- it only hurts you. That's something that I need to work on-- not being so quick to get angry as well as holding my tongue when I'm angry. Let me tell you, when I'm mad I say mean things and tend to hurt feelings. 

And on that note I leave you with a little song.

                                        

What about me?

I feel forgotten, I really do. I know that the Lord never leaves us and is always with us-- but I feel like He's just left me here to deal on my own.  I'm good, I try everyday to choose the right and to be happy, but I feel like He's abandoned me. I don't know what else to say except that I feel alone. Everyday it feels like my own family is against me. I get blamed for everything, I get made fun of for no reason sometimes, I get insulted and taken advantage of. Yet somehow I always end up forgetting what they do to me and forgiving because that's what I've been taught to do-- to forgive others. But family isn't supposed to act like that-- to treat someone unfairly and keep expecting them to always be there to forgive them. I always end up forgiving anyway-- no matter how hard I try. And then the cycle begins again. And again-- and at this point I really feel like grabbing all my things and leaving because I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm the cause for everything, like feeling like I'm a horrible person for forgetting to do the dishes for once. So much pressure is put on me to be the perfect daughter who does everything. Who keeps everything clean, who does the dishes, who doesn't fight or argue, but I'm not that person. 

I'm messy, I get mad easily, I'm lazy sometimes and I am in no way perfect so why can't people accept that?

Just because I'm the oldest I'm expected to do everything and whenever I do something wrong-- the consequence is harder. My two other siblings? They do something wrong and they get a lecture and that's it. But no, not me. I get screamed at up until the point where I end up hating myself. Like I said, I just want to get all my things and leave. But I can't. It's like I have shackles strapped to my ankles and I'm a bird trying to fly away. I have no money for myself-- only money save for my school expenses so it's not like I can go out and get a place of my own. And then the even bigger issue-- I still don't know how to drive. Like, seriously WHAT THE HECK. The story to that is long and boring and I rather not get into it. 

And don't even get me started on my brat of a sister. She takes advantage of me the most. She throws out the most hurtful things. Like today she told me to go fall in a ditch and I heard her talking to her friend and say she prefers my brother to me. Thanks for that. 

Tell me how I'm supposed to be happy with my life if the people that are supposed to be there for me and love me laugh when I cry, make me feel like I don't matter, and treat mistakes I make as if they were horrible sins?

But you know what, someday I hope that things seriously get better for me. 

Right now my own faith is being tested and I guess the only thing I can do is hold on.  

Ah crap, my nail broke

I sometimes just don't understand why I must be so awkward when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. Wait, scratch that. Not sometimes, try all the time. It's like I'm missing that special part in my brain or something because I honestly can't carry out a normal conversation without being awkward. I either speak too fast, or my words gets too jumbled up, or I end up falling or doing or saying something stupid.

And that is why ladies and gentlemen I am going to be single forever.
Haha, I crack myself up.

Of course there are those exceptions as in those 4 poor guys I went out with for an extended period of time

Heart Attack

This song is SO good, ahhhhhh. I feel like this song was written for me because it describes my love life perfectly at the moment-- about not wanting to fall in love. As much as I want to fall in love one day, I can't afford to right now.

IM GONNA GET CHA GET CHA GET CHA

THIS SONG HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THIS
One Direction has taken over. I'm a 20 year old totally in love with a boyband that is admired mostly by 12 year olds-- sue me.

Ed Sheeran is AMAZING, seriously. His voice is so great and angelic and I wish it was a scented candle sometimes because that's how much I love his voice AH

I don't know why I haven't had the same amount of dedication to write here as before, oh well. I'll give it a go though. To begin with-- everything is the same as it was last time with the exception that I go back to school next month. This time around I'm actually sure that I'll get that semester that I've always looked forward to have, but didn't. This time around none of the guy crap because I am so over guys right now and frankly all they give you is headaches. I'm even going to double my credits so that I'll always be busy doing something because these past semesters I've been slacking. Not in the sense that I've gotten bad grades-- my grades are great, but it's just that I've always left room in my schedule for guys and going out, but not anymore. These next three months are going to be dedicated solely to school related things and the occasional outing with my friends AND THE FALL OUT BOY CONCERT IN JUNE AH AND THEN ECUADOR IN AUGUST AND THE ONE DIRECTION 3D MOVIE HOLY CRAP SO MANY THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO

Sometimes I just sit back and realize how truly blessed I am to have the things I have. Not much, but it's enough to make me happy. 

Some of those are little things like listening to a new song, discovering new music, learning the lyrics to a song, getting through a hard workout, laughing until my stomach hurts, watching a great movie, reading a great book-- all those little things add up to the amount of happiness that I have found in my life. I really have no need to worry about stupid things that taint this happiness I feel in my life right now.

At the start of the new year I mad a promise to myself that I would keep calm in terms of getting feelings for a guy. And I really do intend to keep that promise...thing is I kinda fell off that bandwagon with the return of this guy, but there's nothing coming out of it so might as well forget it, keep my head up, and keep walking on before I really end up becoming an emotional mess like last semester. 

One day I'm going to look back to all of this unnecessary drama I created for myself and laugh at how stupid I was.