What about me?

I feel forgotten, I really do. I know that the Lord never leaves us and is always with us-- but I feel like He's just left me here to deal on my own.  I'm good, I try everyday to choose the right and to be happy, but I feel like He's abandoned me. I don't know what else to say except that I feel alone. Everyday it feels like my own family is against me. I get blamed for everything, I get made fun of for no reason sometimes, I get insulted and taken advantage of. Yet somehow I always end up forgetting what they do to me and forgiving because that's what I've been taught to do-- to forgive others. But family isn't supposed to act like that-- to treat someone unfairly and keep expecting them to always be there to forgive them. I always end up forgiving anyway-- no matter how hard I try. And then the cycle begins again. And again-- and at this point I really feel like grabbing all my things and leaving because I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm the cause for everything, like feeling like I'm a horrible person for forgetting to do the dishes for once. So much pressure is put on me to be the perfect daughter who does everything. Who keeps everything clean, who does the dishes, who doesn't fight or argue, but I'm not that person. 

I'm messy, I get mad easily, I'm lazy sometimes and I am in no way perfect so why can't people accept that?

Just because I'm the oldest I'm expected to do everything and whenever I do something wrong-- the consequence is harder. My two other siblings? They do something wrong and they get a lecture and that's it. But no, not me. I get screamed at up until the point where I end up hating myself. Like I said, I just want to get all my things and leave. But I can't. It's like I have shackles strapped to my ankles and I'm a bird trying to fly away. I have no money for myself-- only money save for my school expenses so it's not like I can go out and get a place of my own. And then the even bigger issue-- I still don't know how to drive. Like, seriously WHAT THE HECK. The story to that is long and boring and I rather not get into it. 

And don't even get me started on my brat of a sister. She takes advantage of me the most. She throws out the most hurtful things. Like today she told me to go fall in a ditch and I heard her talking to her friend and say she prefers my brother to me. Thanks for that. 

Tell me how I'm supposed to be happy with my life if the people that are supposed to be there for me and love me laugh when I cry, make me feel like I don't matter, and treat mistakes I make as if they were horrible sins?

But you know what, someday I hope that things seriously get better for me. 

Right now my own faith is being tested and I guess the only thing I can do is hold on.