Why I can't get married

I've seriously thought about it-- this time in my life is supposed to be where I'm wild and free and whatnot with doing all these different things that make me happier than any guy could to be honest. I want to live these years (or 20s as some call it) to the fullest doing all these things I love. Concerts, laughing, being silly, obsessing over band members, etc.  I'm not ready to be serious and for full adult responsibilities.

It's crazy though how much you can love a band/artist and even crazier how much you can grow to love
everything about someone that doesn't even know that they mean the world to you. Cause that's how much I love 5SOS. They say that you are attracted to band members that reflect you and Michael Clifford does that. I love them all, believe me. Equal love for everyone of you boys. But Michael is my main bae. He's so chill and down to earth and would just rather spend all day in bed indoors doing nothing, but somehow making the most of it and finding a way to have fun. Ha, I don't even know what that even means what I just wrote. And his voice and his sense of humor, and his smile, and the way he looks when he plays. He's happy and shows it to the world even if he may be hurting inside. He finds humor in every situation and I seriously love that about him. I'd love to be friends with him and just spend the day together. We'd eat pizza, watch pokemon (the originals of course none of this new age crap), and listen to music. All while in our PJs. Anyway, as the title states, I can't get married. And exactly for this reason. I'm too attached to band members and bands and music. It's all I ever think about and care about. I guess you can say I'm immature, especially for my age, but whatever, ya know? Do what makes you happy. Who cares what anyone might say. My goal has shifted from getting married like everyone else around me to just graduating college, working, and spending most of my free days going to concerts and meeting my favorite people in the whole world. Not just this band, but every band and artist that I have grown to love. They've been there for me in a way that no one else can ever be. They bring me the greatest happiness, especially during those times where it seemed impossible simply by just playing their music and being themselves. All my favorite bands mean so much to me and I wish I can meet all my favs one by one and tell them how they have helped me find happiness even during the darkest of times.

It's just so amazing to me how you can have your dreams come true. Take One Direction for example- they went on the Xfactor never in a million years thinking that they would be put in such a successful band. Now look where they are now- it's so inspiring. And 5SOS oh my goodness. They started off just playing in their garage and posting covers on Youtube, then what do you know, Louis saw them and before you knew it, this band from Australia was opening up for one of the biggest boy bands in the world. I'm not saying that Louis was the reason they're famous now or even that it's due to 1D that 5SOS are big now. It was all them. They worked so unbelievably hard to play the best they could EVERY TIME and to give it their all in reaching the point at where they are now. And they won a VMA last week. Do you realize how proud I am of these boys? I feel like a mother who just sent her child off to school for the first time. We sent our boys of to the world and they're making it. They made it. They're living their dream. Your life can change by just one small action. Bands and artists like this make me remember that dreams can really become a reality if you give it 100%. Bands like these are my inspiration to keep on dreaming and hoping for the things that I want out of life.

And so there you have it peeps-- I can't get married (at least now) because I'm just too attached to bands and band members. I wouldn't be able to juggle married life and band life, but eventually I know there will come a day where I'll have to get it together, but I hope not because these bands that I've loved throughout the years are my everything and they truly saved me. That's cliche, but it's true. They give me so much happiness. It even scares me sometimes how much I love all these bands and artists.

Oh, and before I forget and if you didn't already know I bought concert tickets to go see 5SOS with my sister next year. As of today, 368 days to go! Currently planning my outfit and devising ways to meet them in person, especial my sunshine Michael.

Long awaited post

I've been thinking about writing this particular post for a while now and have been putting it off for the past few days. It's not that I've been busy cause I haven't. I'm far from busy right now-- all that takes up my days are eating, sleeping, reading, and working. But somehow I found the motivation to sit down and type this particular post.

It seems that most of everything I write about is relationships and love. Tis true, I cannot lie. Despite me having like zero involvement in this department, I love writing about it, but honestly lately I've come to seriously develop an overall stance of where I stand in this matter. Drum roll-- I just can't seem seem to believe that the particular love that I talk about and hope for exists. At least for me. I don't know why I've taken this thinking lately with being hopeless and with lack of faith. I just don't believe in it anymore. From my own eyes I've seen relationships crumble and break apart. I've seen people fall in and out of love. And of course I've experienced what it is like being a guy deflector because it seems I just drive guys away when I get close. Or just drive them away with my awkwardness. I've seriously thought back to my own claims that I've been in love before, but came up with the realization that I tried really hard to, but didn't and just experienced lust and personal gain rather than this love I sought after. I don't even know what the hell this love thing is. What I ask myself is what happened that I developed this totally "un me" attitude. I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of hoping for this thing and doing everything I can to deserve it, but not getting anywhere with it. I guess you can say that my faith overall is also in peril. I just don't feel the same way that I did going to church and frankly just caring. If I'm doing all these things that I'm supposed to be doing then where is my happiness? I know that a guy can't define your happiness and all that stuff, but let's just say that at this point in my life I'm just tired of even caring anymore. It's scary being in this position where my lack of faith is taking over how I act and think about things. It's even scarier that it too is affecting even my mom. She just has no motivation anymore. She's pessimistic about everything and it makes it difficult even holding a conversation with her. Her attitude brings me down. It seems that life isn't giving her a break, even after all these years she just can't seem to be happy. I'm not blaming God because I know these things happen for our own good, but I just can't help being frustrated with Him. Everything that my family has been through he could at least give us a break. There really is so much that she could take.

I'm just fed up with everything. I feel like my life is going nowhere really. I mean yes I know where I'm going career wise and all that stuff, but is there all there is in my future? Just working? Where is the adventure, the romance, the blessings that I have so foolishly been hoping for forever? I feel like I'm just wasting my life away waiting for nothing. Hmm, I don't known. I'm just gping to live my life and really care about anything anymore.

Rant over.

The bae

This one's for you Steph-- a post dedicated to just you. Isn't that grand? Isn't this picture so cute, awwwe. To be honest, I feel so lazy right now. Like a lot. I could really use a nap right now, but because I love you so much I'll endure all the laziness and lack of motivation to write and write about how wonderful you are and how you're my main bae.

This is my adorable yet obnoxious little sister Stephanie. She's 13 years old, which by the way is so weird to think about now that I'm writing that down. Where did the time go? I remember her when she was the size of a watermelon and slobbered all over the place. Geez, you slobbered a lot. It was cute, yet gross. But mostly cute because it gave off a shiny glow to your face. I remember seeing you grow up and just thinking about how fast you've grown up and I didn't even notice. I thought about the day that you would finally be walking and then all of a sudden you were! Then I thought about when you would be talking, going to school, etc and then that happened. Now you're a teenager and I feel old. You have your own life and your own friends and as you get older it seems that you don't need me anymore like you used to and it makes me sad. You're more preoccupied with the number of followers you have then anything else. You have your own dilemmas to deal with. You have crushes and obsess over boys like I used to at your age and still do if you want to get technical. Before long you'll be in high school and going off to prom and having a boyfriend and going to college and I'll be here feeling like an old fart sitting in my house full of cats.

Anyway, my wonderful adorable little sister is the best. She is so funny and my best friend. I can never stay mad at her for long because then one of us says something stupid and then we end up laughing like goons. She knows everything (almost) about me and I (mostly) tell her everything. We have the greatest and weird inside jokes. Like the Moo cow song. Ahahahahaha, omg. I honestly wish that she was my twin instead so that she could be here in college with me. That would be seriously amazing. We'd have the best time watching endless amounts of netflixs and eating our feelings. I do that with my roommates, but it's not the same as doing it with your number one muchacha.

OMG, I just thought about that time that you were like a couple months old and I fed you some expired milk. Mommy found out and she started freaking out and saying how if you didn't poop it out you'd die. We freaked out forever until you finally pooped. I don't know why I find that hilarious.

But yeah, you're awesome. And I'm thankful for having you as my sister. I could have had any other sister, but Heavenly Father gave me you instead. Ericka could have been my sister instead, omg imagine! ahahahaha