I've been thinking about writing this particular post for a while now and have been putting it off for the past few days. It's not that I've been busy cause I haven't. I'm far from busy right now-- all that takes up my days are eating, sleeping, reading, and working. But somehow I found the motivation to sit down and type this particular post.
It seems that most of everything I write about is relationships and love. Tis true, I cannot lie. Despite me having like zero involvement in this department, I love writing about it, but honestly lately I've come to seriously develop an overall stance of where I stand in this matter. Drum roll-- I just can't seem seem to believe that the particular love that I talk about and hope for exists. At least for me. I don't know why I've taken this thinking lately with being hopeless and with lack of faith. I just don't believe in it anymore. From my own eyes I've seen relationships crumble and break apart. I've seen people fall in and out of love. And of course I've experienced what it is like being a guy deflector because it seems I just drive guys away when I get close. Or just drive them away with my awkwardness. I've seriously thought back to my own claims that I've been in love before, but came up with the realization that I tried really hard to, but didn't and just experienced lust and personal gain rather than this love I sought after. I don't even know what the hell this love thing is. What I ask myself is what happened that I developed this totally "un me" attitude. I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of hoping for this thing and doing everything I can to deserve it, but not getting anywhere with it. I guess you can say that my faith overall is also in peril. I just don't feel the same way that I did going to church and frankly just caring. If I'm doing all these things that I'm supposed to be doing then where is my happiness? I know that a guy can't define your happiness and all that stuff, but let's just say that at this point in my life I'm just tired of even caring anymore. It's scary being in this position where my lack of faith is taking over how I act and think about things. It's even scarier that it too is affecting even my mom. She just has no motivation anymore. She's pessimistic about everything and it makes it difficult even holding a conversation with her. Her attitude brings me down. It seems that life isn't giving her a break, even after all these years she just can't seem to be happy. I'm not blaming God because I know these things happen for our own good, but I just can't help being frustrated with Him. Everything that my family has been through he could at least give us a break. There really is so much that she could take.
I'm just fed up with everything. I feel like my life is going nowhere really. I mean yes I know where I'm going career wise and all that stuff, but is there all there is in my future? Just working? Where is the adventure, the romance, the blessings that I have so foolishly been hoping for forever? I feel like I'm just wasting my life away waiting for nothing. Hmm, I don't known. I'm just gping to live my life and really care about anything anymore.
Rant over.
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