Pathetic

I feel so pathetic right now with feeling dependant on some guy and the little attention he's given me. What do I expect out of this guy I barely know? Go away feelings. I'm only like this because he's the first guy that has shown interest in me in a long time. But nothing would come of it anyway so why do I or should I care? We barely even know each other and even though he has shown rhat interest, nothing has come of it. And those times I try to just shake him out of my life- he randomly decides to say hey. Then I'm back to that place where I hope something happens and end up disappointed in myself for thinking a guy like him would actually be interested in me, HA.

I hate this. Feeling like a leper when it comes to guys. What do I do wrong? It's so hard not caring about this kind of stuff when everyone is off getting married. Like tomorrow for example, one of my friends is getting engaged. It's really annoying being part of a culture that hounds its young people to get married because it makes dating hard. Then all everyone is with this marriage mindset and so picky that they never give a chance. Then again I am like this too sometimes- with being picky. For example, I have this really good guy friend and be's so sweet and nice and funny. He's liked me at one point and I don't know if he still does. Even on his mission he writes me to check up on me and ask how things are. He'd be perfect- only thing is I don't see him in that way at all. I'm not attracted to him. And then I think, "are you being picky?" No, I'm not. I've tried giving us a chance, but I can't see him in any other way than just a friend. 

And then the guys I am attracted to are jerks, overthink the situation and take it way too seriously, or just want what I can't give them. 

That's ok though, I have my cats ;)

In other news I'm going to get a massage tomorrow so hopefully that gets rid of these negative feelings. Shooo go away!

eL oH eL

Love the new blog title? Cause I do!

Hehe.

Anyway, something crazy happened yesterday. OK not so crazy, but just unexpected. Remember the jerk that stood me up? Well, he got a hold of me yesterday really randomly and I called him out on what happened that day. According to him he was just really nervous and ended up having some work to do that night. I don't know if this is true or not, but whatever. We joked around a bit and I went to bed. Then he texted me good morning. Haha, I love good morning texts. But I'm still pissed off at him even though he keeps hinting that he wants to hang out. Whatever though cause I don't want to overthink this or give it expectations just because he is paying attention to me. We'll see where this goes to and I'll be sure to give the details. Honestly though, I kinda want something to happen. But then I don't. Cause even though I don't know him that well yet I can easily guess we have very different views on things and want different things. And I've been taught not to settle and to go after the things (or in this case the man) that can give me all I want and need. But said man is nowhere to be seen so I'm here thinking "just have fun with it and see where it goes if it goes anywhere".  Cause thinking about it dating non members was so much more fun than dating mormon guys. Whatever though, no thinking about this! Get out get out thoughts! No expectations remember!?

Anywho, I got a haircut yesterday. Nothing dramatic. Just added layers. And my eyebrows! It was a good day! Now I'm off to cuddle in my couch and read this book I bought at Target today.

Currently seriously crushing on these guys. Holy tacos I want one! They are amazing singers omggggg!!

Cringe worthy

Endorphins make you happy and being happy is something that can be hard to do sometimes. Singing whatever favorite song makes my mood so much better so I sing all the time. It helps. I don't know if I really have a good voice as I've been told, but regardless the music will live on!

So I was thinking, why not write about stupid stuff I've done throughout the years? That would give me such a laugh as well as those that read these ramblings of mines. I think back to these experiences and sometimes cringe with embarrassment for my past self. Anyway, let's get this ball rolling shall we?

Now these are in no particular order kay?

1. Anonymous letters- Starting in 4th grade (or was it 3rd?) I had a huge crush on this guy named Anton. He was a new student who had just come from Russia and he was in my ESL class. We became friends and it was great. We'd joke around all the time, it was great. Then one day I overheard him telling this girl that he had a crush on this girl named Jessica. There were two Jessicas in the class, but I assumed it was me. Then because of this piece of information I started to feeling all kinds of nervous around him. Then we just started to stop talking to each other and it just got weird. I couldn't take it anymore so I wrote him a secret letter where I wrote how much I liked him and how great I thought he was. Eventually I think I revealed myself (seriously cringing so hard right now omg) to him and then we exchanged numbers. I remember awkwardly calling him and we talked. Then he moved away and I never heard from him again until a few years later when I added him on facebook. This letter thing happened again in 7th or 8th grade when I liked this guy named Tim and wrote him a poem. Then I had my brother put it in his mailbox. This is so embarrassing thinking about and recalling. I was going to do the same for this guy I later on who I liked. His name was Brian and he was so cute haha, but I decided nah better not. Good decision past self, good job.

2. Stupid sayings- A lot of dumb things I've said always come back to haunt me, but the one that has stood out to me has been making me cringe every time for the past 4 years. Freshmen year we went to get connected and I met my friend Steph's friend Dan. I will never forget the fact that he stared at my boobs that day. ANYWAY, we were talking then I said something really stupid and embarrassing I'm crying with laughter right now as I type this. He was telling me how he had been on a mission in so and so place. Then I said the following. "You're the first RM I've ever talked to!" EVERY TIME I CRINGE BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A DUMB THING TO SAY OMG WHY. Anyway, that happened. Don't worry though, there are a ton of other dumb things I've said to guys that are cringe worthy.

3. Online boyfriends- This was when I was like 12. I think I had like 2, but the one that stands out was this guy named Tyler from Kansas. I remember we talked about crop circles one day. He was so cute, but then we just stopped talking one day. This online thing was fun for me at the time getting in chat rooms and chatting with random people. I did this all the time until one day this guy called my house and it freaked me out since I had never given my number to anyone on those sites. Speaking of talking to guys online...

4. The douchebag- So I've been trying out this online dating site for about a month now. Only a month. Once it's over I'm done. Anyway, I started talking to this guy and he was pretty cool and cute and whatnot. We exchanged numbers and we planned to meet for pizza. Originally he wanted me to go over to his place and I was like lol no. The day of the so called date came and this jerk got me all excited and ready for nothing and he stood me up. So I told him dude, if you didn't want to do this you should have just told me in the first place. The stupid part of this? Trusting people too quickly. Remember kids, trust is earned, not easily handed out. I guess my not wanting to go to his place to "hang out" was a message to him that I wasn't going to be an easy hookup which I'm guessing is what he had in mind. Anyway, I'm talking to this other dude recently from that site, but ya know no expectations had by me for this one. I'm just doomed to suck in the guy department. Like I said, moral of the story don't be so trusting of people because you'll end up feeling stupid at the end.

5. Tinder- Haha, this came close to being a super stupid thing I've done, but I guess I was saved. I've written about this so I'll spare you the story. Anyway, moral of the story is don't be thirsty for attention and rely on a hook up site for that attention.

6. Yik yak meet up- So stupid thing is that I met up and hung out with a guy from this app. It wasn't really that bad because he was a decent guy, but just the fact that I met someone from this app is stupid. I think the poor guy was expecting a ncmo, but instead he got an evening of random ramblings by me.

Anyway, my fingers are tired and I wanna go watch some netflix. Adios.

Dude, chill out I never said I wanted to marry you

There's no in between in guys is there? There's either the guy who thinks if they go out with me they'll have to marry me OR the guy who just wants to get in ny pants. Why can't I meet a normal guy for once? Haha, this dating thing is tiring a girl out! 

And then I think about the whole friendzone thing and how I do that a lot. But I can't force myself to have feelings for someone I only see as a friend no matter how great of a person they are. If there isn't attraction then it won't work out. Ya know?

All this better be worth it in the end or imma be really pissed off. For reals though- being surrounded by so many mormons makes one feel like there's something wrong with you if you aren't in a relationship. Thanks BYUI! 

In other news I'm really bored this week since it's winter break. send help.

Trust no one

I trust people to not be assholes. And i seem to do that too quickly. I'm so foolish in thinking that there are actually decent people in the world. Whatever good that they have in them overshadows and blinds me from what's really there. I see the good in people all the time and it just causes me to ultimately be disappointed by everyone.

Honestly, I'm so sick of everything and everyone. Everyone I let in ends up hurting me and giving me another reason to lose trust and faith in everything.