Lately it has been really hard. Especially with my sister leaving for college as well as my own insecurities about my relationship. There have been a lot of changes coming and sometimes it feels like they are a racer coming towards me and I'm crossing the street without looking then BAM! All the changes start hitting me all at once. It's a weird feeling all right, but somehow it also feels like I am about to uncover something magical within myself. I feel it so close. I've also taken this time to get to know myself better and start better dealing with all the emotions that seem to affect me so much and at a much higher intensity than most. There's a term for that and it too and it's called being an empath. It sometimes feels like it's something that makes me weak, so I must learn to control it. It's sounds like a superhero hahaha. Also, I feel like I lost myself a little bit with being in a relationship and I hate that. I promised myself that I would never let that happen again with any guy. That saying really is true, that one that only you can provide yourself happiness. You can never be truly happy unless you can be happy by yourself and have that ability to create that happiness. No one or anything can provide you with that happiness. It's been a tough lesson throughout the years, but I'm grateful for it. I see how the littlest things brings me happiness and it makes me feel so appreciate for the things around me. I'm proud of myself that I can create that happiness on my own. I'm slowly learning that no man can do that for me. They can only add on to that happiness in my life.
And lately, my own boyfriend hasn't really been doing that. And it's sad. He's become distant and I'm trying really hard to not overthink it and to be patient with him. I feel like telling him about how all this is making me feel is like complaining or something. It'll be like telling him how to treat me and I will not do that under any circumstances. I am not a relationship teacher and I should not be telling you how to treat a woman. Honestly, I'm tired of thinking about this and whether or not he really is becoming distant with me. All the things that I wish he would do should come because he wants to do them, not because I'm telling him. I'm not your mother. I'm just choosing to let this play out on its own. If he wants to talk to me and make that effort, then fine. I feel like all my efforts are a waste because they go unnoticed and are often dismissed. I seriously don't have time to be worry about this. I really do love him, but I sometimes wonder if all that affection and attentiveness in the beginning was all an act and now he's showing his true colors. But no man is perfect. But also I can't settle. I hate that I have this fear to speak up. That I have to follow these rules to spare feelings and to not "drive" him away. It's so dumb. Whatever, come what may. I'm only going to be about positive thoughts, faith, and only giving my attention and prioritization to the things that matter. I'm not about to be chasing anyone for attention because I can do that myself. I just hope that I'm wrong and that things change.
Because I don't want to be another woman who wastes her life waiting for a man to change and treat me right.
I'm only going to be focusing on my own happiness and bettering myself in every way. Not for anyone, but for myself.
You are the sun honey, not him
Hey hey hey. The year is 2019 and soooooo much has happened. It's not like I'm going to fill this with everything that has happened since the last time I wrote on here. I'll just write down a summary. K cool.
* Lead teacher at a Head Start (going on my 2nd year!)
* Doing my Masters degree in Early Childhood Education Studies and am set to graduate in December 2020.
* Stacking up that debt! (hilarious but it's a reality)
* I'm in a long distance relationship with the sweetest and most kindest man to ever walk this earth. Like literally, the man never gets mad. And he's so positive and seriously has inspired me to be the best person literally since the first day I met him.
* On a never-ending journey to love myself the most that I can. Up until the point where the love just overflows.
* My sister leaves to BYU literally 9 days from now which is so unreal.
Anywho, just a small summary of the major things that have happened in my life so far since the last time I posted something on here. It's not like anyone reads this anyway except future Jessica. So to you future Jess, hello! Hope everything has worked out for you! Please try to not procrastinate writing on here. It's seriously so therapeutic being able to express everything on here. Like unloading all the troubles and little things of your life.
So, I've been needing to write this post so hopefully, it sticks in my mind and all this overthinking about my relationship and myself and my life and the future is FINALLY PUT TO REST!
In the middle of July, I finally got to meet my long-distance boyfriend, Jeff, for the first time. It was so unreal but seriously the best experience. To be with someone who just felt so right and who made me feel safe and at home and just unafraid to be myself and to accept myself the way that I am. To appreciate and love all the things about me. I really love him and hope that our relationship progresses up to the point that I can't imagine myself with anyone else and where I am 100% sure of his love for me. But we're only 6 months in which honestly and realistically is not enough time to truly decide if we are truly meant for each other, but we want to try and fight to be together the best we can. To also be realistic and give it all up to God. Because ultimately God knows what's best for us. He has a better and far more perfect plan than we have for ourselves. The best we can do is try and have faith in the Lord, in His plan for us, and in His perfect timing.
Let's unload my troubles, shall we? So, ever since returning back from vacation, I've seriously been the most depressed I've ever been in my life. It was crazy. I literally had no motivation to do anything. I started sleeping in until like 1pm, didn't go to the gym, barely had any motivation to do any homework. I woke up sad and wanting to cry for like an entire week. What the hell was wrong with me? It was Jeff. Being unhappy with this situation that I had put myself in. A love affair that was separated by almost 5,000 miles. I sure know how to pick them, don't I? Now that I had met him and been with him, I was devastated that I didn't have that anymore. Who knows when I would have that again? My trust in him was wavering. What if he realized that this was too hard and that he couldn't do it anymore? What if he meets someone better than me? All these what-ifs and scenarios played in my head. Not getting a response from him would be torture. Was he ignoring me? Was I annoying? I think the thing that spiraled me into this crazy phase was the fact that he changed since the begging of our relationship. He wasn't like before. But I've come to understand something. After we physically met, it became very real. We were real people. No longer just someone that was on the other side of the screen. I really felt that shift in our relationship after I got back. Everything just got so real and perhaps that is why I got the way I did. That fear started to set in and I began to self-sabotage myself. I started to worry about things that I didn't have to worry about. I was driving myself crazy with thinking about the future too much. What if I didn't end up with Jeff? What if he decides to go back to his country? All these what-ifs that are so far into the future and that no one except God knows if they'll happen. I guess the feeling of not being in control scared the crap out of me. I guess I'm like that now. That's a weakness I have. When I'm not in control of something and don't know how it'll end up, I get crazy and literally all my doubts settle into my head. What I've learned from this experience or journey per se so far is that this is definitely testing my patience. I am so impatient, especially with getting married and having a family. With all my pondering and intense praying and pleadings, I've come to realize that this is truly a test of my patience. I have this guy who I'm excited to see where I'll end up with him. He has all the qualities that I want in a husband. His example to me is so great. It's remarkable to me just how much of a change he has made in y life and in me. It's no lie that he plays a huge factor in my reawakened desire to be closer to the Lord and to better myself not just for me or even him, but the Lord as well. This relationship is difficult for sure, but I'm excited for the woman that will come out of this journey. We have no idea where the Lord will lead us, We have to be prepared for whatever happens. We've talked about it. He has helped my stubborn mind understand this harsh reality. I don't like thinking about it, but it's reality. All we can do is have faith that the Lord will lead us both to where we are supposed to be. All we can do is live each day in the moment and take it day by day.
Another thing about control, I feel like I am trying to control this relationship. I am comparing it to other relationships that I see. If he's not doing this and this because so and so say that he should be, I begin to overthink my relationship. I overlook all the things that he does. Just the fact that he chooses to do this with me should be enough. The fact that he is pushing me to be my best self. How he supports and motivates me in all that I do. He's not perfect and neither am I. Like any relationship, we have things to work on. I'm truly grateful that he is trying hard to make me happy the best he can. We both haven't done this before and we're both learning as we go along. I have realized just how much trust this relationship takes. The trust is so much more than just trusting that he won't cheat on me. It's trusting that what he feels for me is true. Trust that all the promises and reassurances he has given me are true and that he truly means them. I've never reached this level of trust with anyone I've ever dated before. It can be frustrating sometimes when he's not affectionate as I would want him to be or if he doesn't give me the attention that I want. That's where the control side of me tries to take over. I can't tell him how to treat me. I can't be asking him for affection. It has to be him. I don't have control over that. I only have control over my own actions. After talking to my mom, I think that he's just very cautious still about opening up and doesn't fully trust me yet, especially with how his relationships have ended in the past. I can understand how it must have left him emotionally. I'm not 100% at fully trusting him either, but I'm trying by being as open and transparent with him as I can. I know that it's going to take him a while to be emotionally open with him, but I have noticed his efforts. He's trying. I feel that I have to be patient with him in this. All I can do is help him feel safe and secure with me. To know that I would never do anything to hurt him. I truly want to give it my all in this relationship. All I can do is believe him and trust his words that his heart is in this as much as mine is.
WOW, there really are so many things I'm learning from all of this. I'm thinking about it now and wow. So grateful.
Another thing that I'm learning and choosing to live by is the fact that I can't let this relationship consume me. As Christina tells Meredith in Grey's Anatomy, he's not the sun. You are. That quote has truly hit home. I can't make Jeff the center of my life. I can't prioritize this relationship so much that I lose myself in the process. I need to be able to be my own person and so should he. I need to be able to provide my own happiness. No one or nothing can instill the happiness that I need to instill in myself. I need to continue loving myself first before anyone else. It's not selfish. When I love myself, I can love better. I need to be able to assure myself and make myself happy. I can validate myself and don't need it constantly from my partner to feel that they love me. I feel like I am so close to truly understanding this and living it. So close. Another thing that I noticed is that I need to stop looking to outside sources to tell me what a good relationship is. Like the quote goes, be in the world, but not of the world. And I think that applies to relationships as well. Especially relationships that are aspiring to be eternal.
Life is hard, it really is. But I've learned just how much you need to rely on the Lord to help you through. That week, I felt truly lost. I felt so worried and just felt doubtful of my faith in my relationship. Thinking about this now, it's like Satan has been trying so hard to attack me. It's like He's trying to keep me from something great. I'm not going to let him win though.
I will put all my trust in the Lord. I will give him all my worries and he'll take care of the rest. All I need is to trust Him with all that I have that He will provide me with the desires of my heart. He knows what I want most of all in this world and I'm confident that He will take that into account.
* Lead teacher at a Head Start (going on my 2nd year!)
* Doing my Masters degree in Early Childhood Education Studies and am set to graduate in December 2020.
* Stacking up that debt! (hilarious but it's a reality)
* I'm in a long distance relationship with the sweetest and most kindest man to ever walk this earth. Like literally, the man never gets mad. And he's so positive and seriously has inspired me to be the best person literally since the first day I met him.
* On a never-ending journey to love myself the most that I can. Up until the point where the love just overflows.
* My sister leaves to BYU literally 9 days from now which is so unreal.
Anywho, just a small summary of the major things that have happened in my life so far since the last time I posted something on here. It's not like anyone reads this anyway except future Jessica. So to you future Jess, hello! Hope everything has worked out for you! Please try to not procrastinate writing on here. It's seriously so therapeutic being able to express everything on here. Like unloading all the troubles and little things of your life.
So, I've been needing to write this post so hopefully, it sticks in my mind and all this overthinking about my relationship and myself and my life and the future is FINALLY PUT TO REST!
In the middle of July, I finally got to meet my long-distance boyfriend, Jeff, for the first time. It was so unreal but seriously the best experience. To be with someone who just felt so right and who made me feel safe and at home and just unafraid to be myself and to accept myself the way that I am. To appreciate and love all the things about me. I really love him and hope that our relationship progresses up to the point that I can't imagine myself with anyone else and where I am 100% sure of his love for me. But we're only 6 months in which honestly and realistically is not enough time to truly decide if we are truly meant for each other, but we want to try and fight to be together the best we can. To also be realistic and give it all up to God. Because ultimately God knows what's best for us. He has a better and far more perfect plan than we have for ourselves. The best we can do is try and have faith in the Lord, in His plan for us, and in His perfect timing.
Let's unload my troubles, shall we? So, ever since returning back from vacation, I've seriously been the most depressed I've ever been in my life. It was crazy. I literally had no motivation to do anything. I started sleeping in until like 1pm, didn't go to the gym, barely had any motivation to do any homework. I woke up sad and wanting to cry for like an entire week. What the hell was wrong with me? It was Jeff. Being unhappy with this situation that I had put myself in. A love affair that was separated by almost 5,000 miles. I sure know how to pick them, don't I? Now that I had met him and been with him, I was devastated that I didn't have that anymore. Who knows when I would have that again? My trust in him was wavering. What if he realized that this was too hard and that he couldn't do it anymore? What if he meets someone better than me? All these what-ifs and scenarios played in my head. Not getting a response from him would be torture. Was he ignoring me? Was I annoying? I think the thing that spiraled me into this crazy phase was the fact that he changed since the begging of our relationship. He wasn't like before. But I've come to understand something. After we physically met, it became very real. We were real people. No longer just someone that was on the other side of the screen. I really felt that shift in our relationship after I got back. Everything just got so real and perhaps that is why I got the way I did. That fear started to set in and I began to self-sabotage myself. I started to worry about things that I didn't have to worry about. I was driving myself crazy with thinking about the future too much. What if I didn't end up with Jeff? What if he decides to go back to his country? All these what-ifs that are so far into the future and that no one except God knows if they'll happen. I guess the feeling of not being in control scared the crap out of me. I guess I'm like that now. That's a weakness I have. When I'm not in control of something and don't know how it'll end up, I get crazy and literally all my doubts settle into my head. What I've learned from this experience or journey per se so far is that this is definitely testing my patience. I am so impatient, especially with getting married and having a family. With all my pondering and intense praying and pleadings, I've come to realize that this is truly a test of my patience. I have this guy who I'm excited to see where I'll end up with him. He has all the qualities that I want in a husband. His example to me is so great. It's remarkable to me just how much of a change he has made in y life and in me. It's no lie that he plays a huge factor in my reawakened desire to be closer to the Lord and to better myself not just for me or even him, but the Lord as well. This relationship is difficult for sure, but I'm excited for the woman that will come out of this journey. We have no idea where the Lord will lead us, We have to be prepared for whatever happens. We've talked about it. He has helped my stubborn mind understand this harsh reality. I don't like thinking about it, but it's reality. All we can do is have faith that the Lord will lead us both to where we are supposed to be. All we can do is live each day in the moment and take it day by day.
Another thing about control, I feel like I am trying to control this relationship. I am comparing it to other relationships that I see. If he's not doing this and this because so and so say that he should be, I begin to overthink my relationship. I overlook all the things that he does. Just the fact that he chooses to do this with me should be enough. The fact that he is pushing me to be my best self. How he supports and motivates me in all that I do. He's not perfect and neither am I. Like any relationship, we have things to work on. I'm truly grateful that he is trying hard to make me happy the best he can. We both haven't done this before and we're both learning as we go along. I have realized just how much trust this relationship takes. The trust is so much more than just trusting that he won't cheat on me. It's trusting that what he feels for me is true. Trust that all the promises and reassurances he has given me are true and that he truly means them. I've never reached this level of trust with anyone I've ever dated before. It can be frustrating sometimes when he's not affectionate as I would want him to be or if he doesn't give me the attention that I want. That's where the control side of me tries to take over. I can't tell him how to treat me. I can't be asking him for affection. It has to be him. I don't have control over that. I only have control over my own actions. After talking to my mom, I think that he's just very cautious still about opening up and doesn't fully trust me yet, especially with how his relationships have ended in the past. I can understand how it must have left him emotionally. I'm not 100% at fully trusting him either, but I'm trying by being as open and transparent with him as I can. I know that it's going to take him a while to be emotionally open with him, but I have noticed his efforts. He's trying. I feel that I have to be patient with him in this. All I can do is help him feel safe and secure with me. To know that I would never do anything to hurt him. I truly want to give it my all in this relationship. All I can do is believe him and trust his words that his heart is in this as much as mine is.
WOW, there really are so many things I'm learning from all of this. I'm thinking about it now and wow. So grateful.
Another thing that I'm learning and choosing to live by is the fact that I can't let this relationship consume me. As Christina tells Meredith in Grey's Anatomy, he's not the sun. You are. That quote has truly hit home. I can't make Jeff the center of my life. I can't prioritize this relationship so much that I lose myself in the process. I need to be able to be my own person and so should he. I need to be able to provide my own happiness. No one or nothing can instill the happiness that I need to instill in myself. I need to continue loving myself first before anyone else. It's not selfish. When I love myself, I can love better. I need to be able to assure myself and make myself happy. I can validate myself and don't need it constantly from my partner to feel that they love me. I feel like I am so close to truly understanding this and living it. So close. Another thing that I noticed is that I need to stop looking to outside sources to tell me what a good relationship is. Like the quote goes, be in the world, but not of the world. And I think that applies to relationships as well. Especially relationships that are aspiring to be eternal.
Life is hard, it really is. But I've learned just how much you need to rely on the Lord to help you through. That week, I felt truly lost. I felt so worried and just felt doubtful of my faith in my relationship. Thinking about this now, it's like Satan has been trying so hard to attack me. It's like He's trying to keep me from something great. I'm not going to let him win though.
I will put all my trust in the Lord. I will give him all my worries and he'll take care of the rest. All I need is to trust Him with all that I have that He will provide me with the desires of my heart. He knows what I want most of all in this world and I'm confident that He will take that into account.
Pathetic
I feel so pathetic right now with feeling dependant on some guy and the little attention he's given me. What do I expect out of this guy I barely know? Go away feelings. I'm only like this because he's the first guy that has shown interest in me in a long time. But nothing would come of it anyway so why do I or should I care? We barely even know each other and even though he has shown rhat interest, nothing has come of it. And those times I try to just shake him out of my life- he randomly decides to say hey. Then I'm back to that place where I hope something happens and end up disappointed in myself for thinking a guy like him would actually be interested in me, HA.
I hate this. Feeling like a leper when it comes to guys. What do I do wrong? It's so hard not caring about this kind of stuff when everyone is off getting married. Like tomorrow for example, one of my friends is getting engaged. It's really annoying being part of a culture that hounds its young people to get married because it makes dating hard. Then all everyone is with this marriage mindset and so picky that they never give a chance. Then again I am like this too sometimes- with being picky. For example, I have this really good guy friend and be's so sweet and nice and funny. He's liked me at one point and I don't know if he still does. Even on his mission he writes me to check up on me and ask how things are. He'd be perfect- only thing is I don't see him in that way at all. I'm not attracted to him. And then I think, "are you being picky?" No, I'm not. I've tried giving us a chance, but I can't see him in any other way than just a friend.
And then the guys I am attracted to are jerks, overthink the situation and take it way too seriously, or just want what I can't give them.
That's ok though, I have my cats ;)
In other news I'm going to get a massage tomorrow so hopefully that gets rid of these negative feelings. Shooo go away!
eL oH eL
Love the new blog title? Cause I do!
Hehe.
Anyway, something crazy happened yesterday. OK not so crazy, but just unexpected. Remember the jerk that stood me up? Well, he got a hold of me yesterday really randomly and I called him out on what happened that day. According to him he was just really nervous and ended up having some work to do that night. I don't know if this is true or not, but whatever. We joked around a bit and I went to bed. Then he texted me good morning. Haha, I love good morning texts. But I'm still pissed off at him even though he keeps hinting that he wants to hang out. Whatever though cause I don't want to overthink this or give it expectations just because he is paying attention to me. We'll see where this goes to and I'll be sure to give the details. Honestly though, I kinda want something to happen. But then I don't. Cause even though I don't know him that well yet I can easily guess we have very different views on things and want different things. And I've been taught not to settle and to go after the things (or in this case the man) that can give me all I want and need. But said man is nowhere to be seen so I'm here thinking "just have fun with it and see where it goes if it goes anywhere". Cause thinking about it dating non members was so much more fun than dating mormon guys. Whatever though, no thinking about this! Get out get out thoughts! No expectations remember!?
Anywho, I got a haircut yesterday. Nothing dramatic. Just added layers. And my eyebrows! It was a good day! Now I'm off to cuddle in my couch and read this book I bought at Target today.
Currently seriously crushing on these guys. Holy tacos I want one! They are amazing singers omggggg!!
Hehe.
Anyway, something crazy happened yesterday. OK not so crazy, but just unexpected. Remember the jerk that stood me up? Well, he got a hold of me yesterday really randomly and I called him out on what happened that day. According to him he was just really nervous and ended up having some work to do that night. I don't know if this is true or not, but whatever. We joked around a bit and I went to bed. Then he texted me good morning. Haha, I love good morning texts. But I'm still pissed off at him even though he keeps hinting that he wants to hang out. Whatever though cause I don't want to overthink this or give it expectations just because he is paying attention to me. We'll see where this goes to and I'll be sure to give the details. Honestly though, I kinda want something to happen. But then I don't. Cause even though I don't know him that well yet I can easily guess we have very different views on things and want different things. And I've been taught not to settle and to go after the things (or in this case the man) that can give me all I want and need. But said man is nowhere to be seen so I'm here thinking "just have fun with it and see where it goes if it goes anywhere". Cause thinking about it dating non members was so much more fun than dating mormon guys. Whatever though, no thinking about this! Get out get out thoughts! No expectations remember!?
Currently seriously crushing on these guys. Holy tacos I want one! They are amazing singers omggggg!!
Cringe worthy
So I was thinking, why not write about stupid stuff I've done throughout the years? That would give me such a laugh as well as those that read these ramblings of mines. I think back to these experiences and sometimes cringe with embarrassment for my past self. Anyway, let's get this ball rolling shall we?
Now these are in no particular order kay?
1. Anonymous letters- Starting in 4th grade (or was it 3rd?) I had a huge crush on this guy named Anton. He was a new student who had just come from Russia and he was in my ESL class. We became friends and it was great. We'd joke around all the time, it was great. Then one day I overheard him telling this girl that he had a crush on this girl named Jessica. There were two Jessicas in the class, but I assumed it was me. Then because of this piece of information I started to feeling all kinds of nervous around him. Then we just started to stop talking to each other and it just got weird. I couldn't take it anymore so I wrote him a secret letter where I wrote how much I liked him and how great I thought he was. Eventually I think I revealed myself (seriously cringing so hard right now omg) to him and then we exchanged numbers. I remember awkwardly calling him and we talked. Then he moved away and I never heard from him again until a few years later when I added him on facebook. This letter thing happened again in 7th or 8th grade when I liked this guy named Tim and wrote him a poem. Then I had my brother put it in his mailbox. This is so embarrassing thinking about and recalling. I was going to do the same for this guy I later on who I liked. His name was Brian and he was so cute haha, but I decided nah better not. Good decision past self, good job.
3. Online boyfriends- This was when I was like 12. I think I had like 2, but the one that stands out was this guy named Tyler from Kansas. I remember we talked about crop circles one day. He was so cute, but then we just stopped talking one day. This online thing was fun for me at the time getting in chat rooms and chatting with random people. I did this all the time until one day this guy called my house and it freaked me out since I had never given my number to anyone on those sites. Speaking of talking to guys online...
4. The douchebag- So I've been trying out this online dating site for about a month now. Only a month. Once it's over I'm done. Anyway, I started talking to this guy and he was pretty cool and cute and whatnot. We exchanged numbers and we planned to meet for pizza. Originally he wanted me to go over to his place and I was like lol no. The day of the so called date came and this jerk got me all excited and ready for nothing and he stood me up. So I told him dude, if you didn't want to do this you should have just told me in the first place. The stupid part of this? Trusting people too quickly. Remember kids, trust is earned, not easily handed out. I guess my not wanting to go to his place to "hang out" was a message to him that I wasn't going to be an easy hookup which I'm guessing is what he had in mind. Anyway, I'm talking to this other dude recently from that site, but ya know no expectations had by me for this one. I'm just doomed to suck in the guy department. Like I said, moral of the story don't be so trusting of people because you'll end up feeling stupid at the end.
5. Tinder- Haha, this came close to being a super stupid thing I've done, but I guess I was saved. I've written about this so I'll spare you the story. Anyway, moral of the story is don't be thirsty for attention and rely on a hook up site for that attention.
6. Yik yak meet up- So stupid thing is that I met up and hung out with a guy from this app. It wasn't really that bad because he was a decent guy, but just the fact that I met someone from this app is stupid. I think the poor guy was expecting a ncmo, but instead he got an evening of random ramblings by me.
Anyway, my fingers are tired and I wanna go watch some netflix. Adios.
Dude, chill out I never said I wanted to marry you
There's no in between in guys is there? There's either the guy who thinks if they go out with me they'll have to marry me OR the guy who just wants to get in ny pants. Why can't I meet a normal guy for once? Haha, this dating thing is tiring a girl out!
And then I think about the whole friendzone thing and how I do that a lot. But I can't force myself to have feelings for someone I only see as a friend no matter how great of a person they are. If there isn't attraction then it won't work out. Ya know?
All this better be worth it in the end or imma be really pissed off. For reals though- being surrounded by so many mormons makes one feel like there's something wrong with you if you aren't in a relationship. Thanks BYUI!
In other news I'm really bored this week since it's winter break. send help.
Trust no one
I trust people to not be assholes. And i seem to do that too quickly. I'm so foolish in thinking that there are actually decent people in the world. Whatever good that they have in them overshadows and blinds me from what's really there. I see the good in people all the time and it just causes me to ultimately be disappointed by everyone.
Honestly, I'm so sick of everything and everyone. Everyone I let in ends up hurting me and giving me another reason to lose trust and faith in everything.
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