These past few days have involved a lot of pondering. I've been trying to figure out if the decision I was making about letting my heart open up again was the right one. In my past relationships, I've been hurt and stepped on all over the place and what I still blame myself for is letting them and not doing anything about it. I've was never myself when I was with them and I let them change me. With this guy, who by the way is totally amazing, I can actually be myself and I don't have to change myself to be with him. I caught him looking at me yesterday as we watched a movie and just that small moment made me realize that I should give this a chance. There was just something about the way he looked at me that in a way enlightened me and gave me that confirmation.
I believe that the Lord places certain people in our paths to help us through hard times, to keep us from swimming in our own sorrow. That's how I feel right now. Ever since I've met this guy, I haven't been depressing myself over the situation back at home. Every day I wake up with the thought, "Will I see him today?", and that instantly puts me in a brighter mood and I don't have to wake up thinking if my dad was drunk last night and caused a scene. With him in my life now, I hope that I can finally have that piece of happiness I've been missing; that feeling of caring for someone and having them care for you back.
My dad is pissed at me for not calling him. I texted him last week telling him that I loved him and that he should feel free to call me anytime. He responded that he missed me too, too much and that he needs me. He wrote that I should never forget that he loves me and that he will always be my dad. Sometimes, I just want to cry. Why is my dad the way he is? Why does he cause me so much pain? One day he can be sweet and pretty chill, but other times he is crazy, dangerous, and scary. I remember that one time that he threw something at me. I was making breakfast with Adrian and he just woke up drunk. He decided to "watch" us. He brought a chair and sat himself in front of the kitchen. We started to joke around, Adrian and I, and he thought we were making fun of him. We had our french toast and hot cocoa all set and all of a sudden, he picked one of my hand weights and threw it. It hit my plate and my cup. The hot, piercing , hot cocoa hit my legs. The pain wasn't that bad, but I cried. Not only because he threw it at me, but because I had enough. I had enough of living a life in fear. I had enough of enduring his words, his cruelty, his humiliation. I had enough of him telling me that I was not going anywhere in life, that he didn't expect anything good from me. Well, I proved him wrong. I'm in college and I plan to do something he denied- graduating and becoming someone in life. Despite his way of being, I still love my dad. It's not my job to judge his actions, that's the Lord's job. .
“Cherish all the experiences in life-those that bring sadness and sorrow and discouragement as well as those that bring joy and happiness. It will be through your personal relationship with the Savior that you will be supported and sustained during your times of greatest need.” (from patriarchal blessing)
This was my answer, the answer to why I had gone through the humiliation, the hurt, and the disappointment. Getting my patriarchal blessing changed my life. It shaped me into who I am today. Even though I got it at only sixteen and not a lot of time has passed from the time I got it to now at eighteen, I feel completely different. I am cautious when I am faced with making a choice because I want the promises that are promised to me in my blessing. I am not perfect; I have made mistakes, I have messed up, and I have gotten on the path again. Getting my blessing has allowed me to see a whole new side to the significance of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Knowing that if I'm obedient to his commandments makes me want to not disappoint him and endure all the trials he puts in front of my path. Because of the words said in my blessing, I now understand the reasons why, I have had my question answered to why I have suffered so much. All these trials that He has put in my path have not only made me stronger, but they have also humbled me. I have realized that with every trial comes a blessing, usually a blessing I failed to recognize at the time. These blessings are either small ones like getting a good grade on a test for example or something big, like having the opportunity to attend BYU-Idaho or I don't know, maybe meeting a totally amazing guy who you know will make a difference in your life. Thanks to my blessing, I now am certain that Heavenly Father loves me. I used to always doubt that He did because he put all these trials in my life from an early age, but now I know He did it to chasten me, to test my patience, and to test my faith. “Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith. Nevertheless—whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day."
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