Being away from you these past few days felt like forever.
I've missed holding you close, I've missed your kisses, and the way you hold my hand.
I've missed the way you say I love you and the way you make me feel like the luckiest girl to have someone so amazing as you.
There's no definition of a perfect guy.
But you come close.
You'll make mistakes, you'll make me mad, you'll make me not want to talk to you
But that's what a relationship is about- its ups and downs and the trust these ups and downs builds.
I love you so much it scares me sometimes.
I want to cry when I think about how much I love you.
Every love song brings you to mind.
You keep me up at night, like right now at 10:11pm, because I can't stop thinking about how much I love you.
This is the most amazing, beautiful, and purest feeling.
Loving someone and knowing they love you back.
I love you Cainan.
You're the answer to every hope I've had since forever ago.
it's hard.
It's hard to forgive someone.
I've been doing it all my life to people that went on and did the same thing to me again even after I forgave them and I don't want to keep on doing that and getting hurt time after time because of people that aren't honest with me.
I want to believe them, I want everything to be okay again, but I can't, I just can't no matter how hard I try to tell myself that they mean it and that they won't do it again.
My ability to believe others has been tarnished by my previous experiences.
If it happened once, who says it isn't going to happen again?
How do I know that everything that has been said hasn't been a lie too?
I never knew that honesty would be such a big deal to me lately.
I do it too; lie. So then why am I making this such a big deal?
Because I promised myself that I would be honest from now on and now, someone was dishonest with me after I've been trying so hard to be better.
Because it was done by someone that I really care about and someone that I thought was perfect, but I guess not.
Why is this so hard?
No one is perfect and I have to understand that.
But he was my definition of perfect and he ruined my perspective because of that one little thing.
I want to believe you, but I can't.
I need a break to think.
Good thing Thanksgiving break is on Tuesday.
Can I just go home now?
I need my mom.
She knows everything.
She'll know what to do.
25 days need to pass by fast.
I've had it with being independent and being on my own.
I'm still not ready for being on my own. I kinda am, but I don't feel it.
I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
I've been doing it all my life to people that went on and did the same thing to me again even after I forgave them and I don't want to keep on doing that and getting hurt time after time because of people that aren't honest with me.
I want to believe them, I want everything to be okay again, but I can't, I just can't no matter how hard I try to tell myself that they mean it and that they won't do it again.
My ability to believe others has been tarnished by my previous experiences.
If it happened once, who says it isn't going to happen again?
How do I know that everything that has been said hasn't been a lie too?
I never knew that honesty would be such a big deal to me lately.
I do it too; lie. So then why am I making this such a big deal?
Because I promised myself that I would be honest from now on and now, someone was dishonest with me after I've been trying so hard to be better.
Because it was done by someone that I really care about and someone that I thought was perfect, but I guess not.
Why is this so hard?
No one is perfect and I have to understand that.
But he was my definition of perfect and he ruined my perspective because of that one little thing.
I want to believe you, but I can't.
I need a break to think.
Good thing Thanksgiving break is on Tuesday.
Can I just go home now?
I need my mom.
She knows everything.
She'll know what to do.
25 days need to pass by fast.
I've had it with being independent and being on my own.
I'm still not ready for being on my own. I kinda am, but I don't feel it.
I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
Broccoli Soup
Annka made broccoli soup last night and we had left overs, sooooo I had some for lunch. It was super mucho yummy. hahaha
I'm glad to say that after a good cry about who knows what, I'm better now. I don't feel so depressed anymore. I shouldn't beat myself over things that I did that I may at times regret, but I made those decisions and there's a reason for having made them. I gotta move on and stop being selfish. It's not always about me. I gotta work on me before I can focus on someone else.
* * *
I got a 98 on my Other paper today. I love that. I thought my paper was crappy at first because I couldn't figure out how to write it, in what format, but eventually I did and then there's the end result-- an A+.
I wrote about my dad and his addiction to alcohol and how he uses it to escape the reality that he lives. It really made me feel sympathy for him.
I wish he would change.
I really love music. I love it.
I lip-sync to it at the gym, on my way to class, while I do my homework. I think about it in the shower, while I eat-- it's love. I love that it puts me in a good mood, that listening to a favorite song brings up my spirit.
So I began making plans for winter. Most of my finals for this semester are before the 16th of December, which is good. Now I gotta figure out when I can book my flight, meaning for when. Hopefully I can hitch a ride with Alida's family. ALSO, I have to look into storage. How in the world am I going to do that? Seriously, this would be so much easier if I had a car. I', ready to get this semester over with. College you've been fun, but I need my New York.
My legs are sore, especially the back of my knees. Ow. Walking around campus, it's like walking up a hill. This college is on a slope, seriously. My calves are a witness.
I need to get out of my dorm. Seriously.
This mellow vibe that wanders the air is getting to me.
hellogoodbye
I like listening to music while I do my homework I have my pandora station set to boys like girls radio. All these songs are bringing back so many memories; especially the time that I was 13. At 13 I was obsessed with poppy punky music which is what I'm listening to now. At 13 I was excited to start high school, I was excited to have a boyfriend, I was excited about being a teenager. I thought being a teenager would be so much fun, but it is not fun at all. I don't know who I am. At this point I should have an idea, which I do, but then what?
ugh.
I should probably stop procrastinating and do my homework so I actually wake up tomorrow and go to my 7:45 class which I skipped Monday because I was too tired to wake up.
I should stop listening to depressing music. I really should. It has made this week horrible. All I want to do is find a corner and sit there. Just sit there and cry until I know what to do. I wish this feeling would go away. It seems that doubt loves planting itself in my mind at all the wrong moments. It doesn't let me get over things without doubting if I made the right choice.
Agency really is a gift. The power to choose for yourself. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier to deal with if we didn't have to make so many choices on our own, at least the important decisions that could make or break you.
I wish my patriarchal blessing revealed to me what I should do, what steps and decisions I should take to achieve the life I am promised. I'm not good at making decisions, Heavenly Father knows that. Make it a little easier? "Cherish all the moments...those that bring happiness and those that bring sorrow."
At least that's what I remember from my blessing. Not word for word, but the concept is still there.
That's what I need to do.
To cherish everything, even my decisions and the outcomes they produce on not only my life, but my emotional state as well.
I love how I come to realizations about myself by blogging and getting my thoughts and feelings out there. It helps with lifting up my mood. It feels like I just released some unknown force that was causing me to feel this way. With my music (even though it can get depressing) and my keyboard, I'm good.
I'm okay.
for now.
ugh.
I should probably stop procrastinating and do my homework so I actually wake up tomorrow and go to my 7:45 class which I skipped Monday because I was too tired to wake up.
I should stop listening to depressing music. I really should. It has made this week horrible. All I want to do is find a corner and sit there. Just sit there and cry until I know what to do. I wish this feeling would go away. It seems that doubt loves planting itself in my mind at all the wrong moments. It doesn't let me get over things without doubting if I made the right choice.
Agency really is a gift. The power to choose for yourself. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier to deal with if we didn't have to make so many choices on our own, at least the important decisions that could make or break you.
I wish my patriarchal blessing revealed to me what I should do, what steps and decisions I should take to achieve the life I am promised. I'm not good at making decisions, Heavenly Father knows that. Make it a little easier? "Cherish all the moments...those that bring happiness and those that bring sorrow."
At least that's what I remember from my blessing. Not word for word, but the concept is still there.
That's what I need to do.
To cherish everything, even my decisions and the outcomes they produce on not only my life, but my emotional state as well.
I love how I come to realizations about myself by blogging and getting my thoughts and feelings out there. It helps with lifting up my mood. It feels like I just released some unknown force that was causing me to feel this way. With my music (even though it can get depressing) and my keyboard, I'm good.
I'm okay.
for now.
No motivation
I have no motivation to do anything besides just sit here and listen to my depressing spanish music.
But I have to go to the gym later or else my goal to run this month of November will go down the drain.
I need that release of stress. I really do. What's stressing me out? Money, going home and how I'm getting there, packing all my things at the end of the semester, potentially having someone mad at me, going through airport security, getting my grades up to a high 3ish GPA for scholarship consideration, the list goes on.
I really need this semester to be over.
Like now.
I want it to be December already so I could start counting the days down to my sister's baptism. After years of fighting, she is finally getting what she has dreamed about. For a while it seemed that she would never get her baptism because my dad wouldn't let her get baptized and to get baptized, she needed parental approval from BOTH parents. So happy.
I just want to be back home. In my bed. Away from independence. I've had enough.
I need my family.
But I have to go to the gym later or else my goal to run this month of November will go down the drain.
I need that release of stress. I really do. What's stressing me out? Money, going home and how I'm getting there, packing all my things at the end of the semester, potentially having someone mad at me, going through airport security, getting my grades up to a high 3ish GPA for scholarship consideration, the list goes on.
I really need this semester to be over.
Like now.
I want it to be December already so I could start counting the days down to my sister's baptism. After years of fighting, she is finally getting what she has dreamed about. For a while it seemed that she would never get her baptism because my dad wouldn't let her get baptized and to get baptized, she needed parental approval from BOTH parents. So happy.
I just want to be back home. In my bed. Away from independence. I've had enough.
I need my family.
Shut Up
I've been trying to get past this problem I'm having, I've had it for too long. There would be times where I would be sorry and promise not only myself, but also God that I wouldn't do it again, but little by little the temptation comes again and I'm back to where I started. I feel so worthless sometimes, trying to promise the Lord that I will be better next time, but the littlest thing happens and BOOM, promise broken. I told myself that coming here to BYU-I would change everything. It did, but then it slowly started creeping back into my life. I wish it'd go away.
Then there's Satan always putting thoughts into my head. "How could you?" "You messed up again!" "You've asked him for forgiveness too many times, there's no hope for you." That is what I always hear. That is what I have been struggling with most of my adolescence. I remember something my YW leader once told my class one Sunday. In the repentance process, the hardest part is forgiving yourself and not letting Satan make you believe that you are not worth forgiving. That is my problem; forgiving myself. Thing is that I have been over the repentance process over and over and over again for this and I'm afraid that somehow I used up my "forgiveness cards" with God. Now that I think back, in my patriarchal blessing it does say that I will review the Atonement many times and that I should closely study it. Coincidence? No. I have been dealing with the Atonement for quite sometime and trying to figure it out further than what I already know about it. I want to be able to solve this on my own because I can't bear the thought of disappointment. If I overcome this on my own, I will be able to overcome anything Satan throws at me, including words of discouragement and feelings of worthlessness.
So Satan, shut up.
This was the last straw.
I am going to fight against you and your temptations.
Leave me alone and for once let me be happy and carefree.
Stop influencing me to disappoint.
One thing that I remember is that Satan can't make us do any anything. We have agency. I know that, but he gets in the way of my healing process by putting all these thoughts in my head. I know that my Father loves me. He has an infinite love for all of us and he is willing to lend out His hand to us when we fall.
So basically, this is a fight against first, myself and not letting these thoughts get to me as well as overcoming temptation.
And second, a fight against Satan to not let his words of discouragement keep me for completing the last step of the repentance process, forgiving myself.
Once I overcome this, I know what I have been looking for will appear before me and I will the happy teenager I once was. Happy? Maybe not, there are so many things in my life that present themselves to bring my unhappiness, but I could try.
Then there's Satan always putting thoughts into my head. "How could you?" "You messed up again!" "You've asked him for forgiveness too many times, there's no hope for you." That is what I always hear. That is what I have been struggling with most of my adolescence. I remember something my YW leader once told my class one Sunday. In the repentance process, the hardest part is forgiving yourself and not letting Satan make you believe that you are not worth forgiving. That is my problem; forgiving myself. Thing is that I have been over the repentance process over and over and over again for this and I'm afraid that somehow I used up my "forgiveness cards" with God. Now that I think back, in my patriarchal blessing it does say that I will review the Atonement many times and that I should closely study it. Coincidence? No. I have been dealing with the Atonement for quite sometime and trying to figure it out further than what I already know about it. I want to be able to solve this on my own because I can't bear the thought of disappointment. If I overcome this on my own, I will be able to overcome anything Satan throws at me, including words of discouragement and feelings of worthlessness.
So Satan, shut up.
This was the last straw.
I am going to fight against you and your temptations.
Leave me alone and for once let me be happy and carefree.
Stop influencing me to disappoint.
One thing that I remember is that Satan can't make us do any anything. We have agency. I know that, but he gets in the way of my healing process by putting all these thoughts in my head. I know that my Father loves me. He has an infinite love for all of us and he is willing to lend out His hand to us when we fall.
So basically, this is a fight against first, myself and not letting these thoughts get to me as well as overcoming temptation.
And second, a fight against Satan to not let his words of discouragement keep me for completing the last step of the repentance process, forgiving myself.
Once I overcome this, I know what I have been looking for will appear before me and I will the happy teenager I once was. Happy? Maybe not, there are so many things in my life that present themselves to bring my unhappiness, but I could try.
Luis Fonsi
I am seriously in love with spanish music.
It has got to be the most romantic music out there.
Every song I listen to relates to my life, whatever may be going on in it.
Every song goes with an emotion I have at the moment.
Like right now.
I'm homesick.
I just want to go home.
College is fun and all and I'm really grateful for everyone in my life, but I just need a hug from my mom.
I need to see my kids.
My 4 legged kids.
And my brah, Adrian.
And sister.
And mommy.
And even my dad.
I seriously am in love with him.
Luis Fonsi is mah man.
hahahahahaha, yesterday I was joking to one of my friends that I needed to marry someone with an amazing voice like Luis Fonsi.
Basically a hispanic guy?
haha, kinda funny considering I really am not up for the idea of marrying or even dating in my race, but we'll see.
But I feel horrible. I feel like such a heartbreaker.
That's all I've done since I turned 16.
But I know we will find that happiness that all of us search for.
That one person that causes that burst in our hearts, that causes us to forget to breathe, that brings butterflies every time the thought of them pops up in your mind.
It's just a matter of "testing" out with different people and seeing if they cause these feelings on you.
Eventually everything will fall into place and we must be patient, the Lord knows when you are to find your significant other.
We just need to cam down, there is so much life ahead of us for love.
Just cherish what we have.
The time will come.
It has got to be the most romantic music out there.
Every song I listen to relates to my life, whatever may be going on in it.
Every song goes with an emotion I have at the moment.
Like right now.
I'm homesick.
I just want to go home.
College is fun and all and I'm really grateful for everyone in my life, but I just need a hug from my mom.
I need to see my kids.
My 4 legged kids.
And my brah, Adrian.
And sister.
And mommy.
And even my dad.
I seriously am in love with him.
Luis Fonsi is mah man.
hahahahahaha, yesterday I was joking to one of my friends that I needed to marry someone with an amazing voice like Luis Fonsi.
Basically a hispanic guy?
haha, kinda funny considering I really am not up for the idea of marrying or even dating in my race, but we'll see.
But I feel horrible. I feel like such a heartbreaker.
That's all I've done since I turned 16.
But I know we will find that happiness that all of us search for.
That one person that causes that burst in our hearts, that causes us to forget to breathe, that brings butterflies every time the thought of them pops up in your mind.
It's just a matter of "testing" out with different people and seeing if they cause these feelings on you.
Eventually everything will fall into place and we must be patient, the Lord knows when you are to find your significant other.
We just need to cam down, there is so much life ahead of us for love.
Just cherish what we have.
The time will come.
It's ok
This week has been crazy. Full of the usual workloads of homework, drama, and lots and lots of thinking.
To put it out there, after loads and loads of beating myself about it, and stressing, and most importantly praying-- I broke it off with Cainan.
NOW, don't think I'm super depressed about it or anything. In the end, we decided to stay friends and we're cool about it it and I'm happy about that. I need more guy friends in my life.
It's kinda funny/weird that my best friends (who are guys) are my exes.
But whatever, friends are friends right?
And friends are cool.
I'm a freshmen, I want to enjoy dating around and living the single life.
I need to "find" myself and figure out what I want in a guy.
I'm an emotional wreck, I need to figure out what to do with myself so I stop acting on impulse and then realizing that it was the wrong thing to do, to move so fast.
I have hope and faith that I will figure this out. That I will know what I want to do with my life and who I want to be in it with me.
My patriarchal blessing promises me what I want.
A family. And that's what I'm trying to figure out. How am I going to achieve this goal and what steps to I need to take?
To put it out there, after loads and loads of beating myself about it, and stressing, and most importantly praying-- I broke it off with Cainan.
NOW, don't think I'm super depressed about it or anything. In the end, we decided to stay friends and we're cool about it it and I'm happy about that. I need more guy friends in my life.
It's kinda funny/weird that my best friends (who are guys) are my exes.
But whatever, friends are friends right?
And friends are cool.
I'm a freshmen, I want to enjoy dating around and living the single life.
I need to "find" myself and figure out what I want in a guy.
I'm an emotional wreck, I need to figure out what to do with myself so I stop acting on impulse and then realizing that it was the wrong thing to do, to move so fast.
I have hope and faith that I will figure this out. That I will know what I want to do with my life and who I want to be in it with me.
My patriarchal blessing promises me what I want.
A family. And that's what I'm trying to figure out. How am I going to achieve this goal and what steps to I need to take?
The Notebook
"Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?"
I don't know.
I really don't, but I hope I do...soon.
or eventually.
Who would have thought that watching this movie would make me reflect so much?
But it's true.
I have to do what I want.
It's my life and my happiness is in my hands.
What do I want?
Sometimes trusting in God is hard. His answer to your prayers might not be the one you are ready to do because it could potentially end up hurting those you love, but you gotta do what the Lord says. He knows you better than you know yourself, He knows what’s good for you even though you might think that He could be wrong, but He’s not. He’s always right.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)