hellogoodbye

I like listening to music while I do my homework I have my pandora station set to boys like girls radio. All these songs are bringing back so many memories; especially the time that I was 13. At 13 I was obsessed with poppy punky music which is what I'm listening to now. At 13 I was excited to start high school, I was excited to have a boyfriend, I was excited about being a teenager. I thought being a teenager would be so much fun, but it is not fun at all. I don't know who I am. At this point I should have an idea, which I do, but then what?

ugh.

I should probably stop procrastinating and do my homework so I actually wake up tomorrow and go to my 7:45 class which I skipped Monday because I was too tired to wake up.

I should stop listening to depressing music. I really should. It has made this week horrible. All I want to do is find a corner and sit there. Just sit there and cry until I know what to do. I wish this feeling would go away. It seems that doubt loves planting itself in my mind at all the wrong moments. It doesn't let me get over things without doubting if I made the right choice. 


Agency really is a gift. The power to choose for yourself. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier to deal with if we didn't have to make so many choices on our own, at least the important decisions that could make or break you.

I wish my patriarchal blessing revealed to me what I should do, what steps and decisions I should take to achieve the life I am promised. I'm not good at making decisions, Heavenly Father knows that. Make it a little easier? "Cherish all the moments...those that bring happiness and those that bring sorrow."
At least that's what I remember from my blessing. Not word for word, but the concept is still there.
That's what I need to do.
To cherish everything, even my decisions and the outcomes they produce on not only my life, but my emotional state as well.

I love how I come to realizations about myself by blogging and getting my thoughts and feelings out there. It helps with lifting up my mood. It feels like I just released some unknown force that was causing me to feel this way. With my music (even though it can get depressing) and my keyboard, I'm good.


I'm okay.


for now.