Shut Up

I've been trying to get past this problem I'm having, I've had it for too long. There would be times where I would be sorry and promise not only myself, but also God that I wouldn't do it again, but little by little the temptation comes again and I'm back to where I started. I feel so worthless sometimes, trying to promise the Lord that I will be better next time, but the littlest thing happens and BOOM, promise broken. I told myself that coming here to BYU-I would change everything. It did, but then it slowly started creeping back into my life. I wish it'd go away.

Then there's Satan always putting thoughts into my head. "How could you?" "You messed up again!" "You've asked him for forgiveness too many times, there's no hope for you." That is what I always hear. That is what I have been struggling with most of my adolescence. I remember something my YW leader once told my class one Sunday. In the repentance process, the hardest part is forgiving yourself and not letting Satan make you believe that you are not worth forgiving. That is my problem; forgiving myself. Thing is that I have been over the repentance process over and over and over again for this and I'm afraid that somehow I used up my "forgiveness cards" with God. Now that I think back, in my patriarchal blessing it does say that I will review the Atonement many times and that I should closely study it. Coincidence? No. I have been dealing with the Atonement for quite sometime and trying to figure it out further than what I already know about it. I want to be able to solve this on my own because I can't bear the thought of disappointment. If I overcome this on my own, I will be able to overcome anything Satan throws at me, including words of discouragement and feelings of worthlessness.

So Satan, shut up. 
This was the last straw.
I am going to fight against you and your temptations.
Leave me alone and for once let me be happy and carefree.
Stop influencing me to disappoint.

One thing that I remember is that Satan can't make us do any anything. We have agency. I know that, but he gets in the way of my healing process by putting all these thoughts in my head. I know that my Father loves me. He has an infinite love for all of us and he is willing to lend out His hand to us when we fall.

So basically, this is a fight against first, myself and not letting these thoughts get to me as well as overcoming temptation.
And second, a fight against Satan to not let his words of discouragement keep me for completing the last step of the repentance process, forgiving myself.

Once I overcome this, I know what I have been looking for will appear before me and I will the happy teenager I once was. Happy? Maybe not, there are so many things in my life that present themselves to bring my unhappiness, but I could try.