I really do love Fridays. Do I go out?
Nope. Cause I much rather spend it with my family. And spend it listening to music and just thinking about things. And especially singing along to music. I love the feeling of knowing that I don't have to do anything for the next two days.
I put on Pandora, set it to my 90s music playlist, then it's like a rush of nostalgia to me. The beginning, the start of, my childhood and past blast through my speakers. With each new song from these times, the memories come along with them. Then there are the songs that have to do with no past, no present- just memories that they have attached with each of them. P!nk's "Raise Your Glass" with the memory of jamming out with Mike at the Harvest Ball after a breakup a few years back. K, bye.
lol
sore toe
I can feel my toe throbbing and I have no idea why it's swollen.
And my mouth is sour, but I don't feel like getting up for a drink. Ugh.
Sometimes though, with reading all this lovey dovey Twilight- I miss those moments. That rush when he showed up at the door unannounced, that feel of being protected by someone other than some family member and especially the feeling of belonging to someone. Having someone care about you in a way other than like a friend, sister, ect.
They say live life to its fullest, but why can't that include a meaningful relationship too?
Being with someone doesn't mean giving up on the fun things in life. Like I've always said it's good to find a balance between those two things.
I really hate sounding like SUCH a broken record, but for me I really do love thinking about my future and who I'll end up with sealed in the temple. I admit it; I'm obsessed with anything that has to do with love. The wooing, the conquest, the occasional failure, and even the heartbreak. Because from each new relationship, no matter how it is, always ends up teaching me something about relationships in general and how I could improve myself and need to do differently the next time around. From all these relationships I've been in, from dating one of my brother's friends to a brazilian dude to dating someone from the other side of the country; I see myself way more experienced than when I first started dating.
I'm not going to succumb to the whole societal "be single and have fun!" idea. I mean, ok that's cool and I'm up for it, but while I'm "having fun", I also want to try to pick apart the different qualities of the different guys I'm with and jumble them together to someday find the guy who has every single quality, both big and small. From kind and hilariously funny to dedication and passion.
Basically, I just described what dating is.
Hahahahahaha
But really, my toe is like really throbbing. It's so annoying. Now how am I supposed to zumba tomorrow with a silly swollen toe most likely caused by zumba itself? Endure of course!
So glad it's Thursday tomorrow. Then Friday. Then one step closer to that smile. Like seriously, this guy's smile is like whoa. And he's so nice. And an awesome translation buddy.
Seriously, missionaries are awesome.
And my mouth is sour, but I don't feel like getting up for a drink. Ugh.
Sometimes though, with reading all this lovey dovey Twilight- I miss those moments. That rush when he showed up at the door unannounced, that feel of being protected by someone other than some family member and especially the feeling of belonging to someone. Having someone care about you in a way other than like a friend, sister, ect.
They say live life to its fullest, but why can't that include a meaningful relationship too?
Being with someone doesn't mean giving up on the fun things in life. Like I've always said it's good to find a balance between those two things.
I really hate sounding like SUCH a broken record, but for me I really do love thinking about my future and who I'll end up with sealed in the temple. I admit it; I'm obsessed with anything that has to do with love. The wooing, the conquest, the occasional failure, and even the heartbreak. Because from each new relationship, no matter how it is, always ends up teaching me something about relationships in general and how I could improve myself and need to do differently the next time around. From all these relationships I've been in, from dating one of my brother's friends to a brazilian dude to dating someone from the other side of the country; I see myself way more experienced than when I first started dating.
I'm not going to succumb to the whole societal "be single and have fun!" idea. I mean, ok that's cool and I'm up for it, but while I'm "having fun", I also want to try to pick apart the different qualities of the different guys I'm with and jumble them together to someday find the guy who has every single quality, both big and small. From kind and hilariously funny to dedication and passion.
Basically, I just described what dating is.
Hahahahahaha
But really, my toe is like really throbbing. It's so annoying. Now how am I supposed to zumba tomorrow with a silly swollen toe most likely caused by zumba itself? Endure of course!
So glad it's Thursday tomorrow. Then Friday. Then one step closer to that smile. Like seriously, this guy's smile is like whoa. And he's so nice. And an awesome translation buddy.
Seriously, missionaries are awesome.
I love the Lord
I finally decided to take a break from the spanish gospel doctrine class and decided to go to my YSA sunday school class. Only 3 people, me included. And the other 2 were girls too. So lame.
But the lesson was amazing. Especially the song he played for us.
"I Love the Lord" by the BYU Men's Choir
I really try so hard to be a better daughter to the Lord. I really want this because it could be the greatest accomplishment of my life for me.
But the lesson was amazing. Especially the song he played for us.
"I Love the Lord" by the BYU Men's Choir
I love the Lord, in Him my soul delights.
Upon His word, I ponder day and night.
He’s heard my cry, brought visions to my sleep,
And kept me safe o’er deserts and the deep.
He’s filled my heart with His consuming love,
And borne me high on wings of His great dove.
Upon His word, I ponder day and night.
He’s heard my cry, brought visions to my sleep,
And kept me safe o’er deserts and the deep.
He’s filled my heart with His consuming love,
And borne me high on wings of His great dove.
Yet oft I groan, “O wretched man am I”
My flesh is weak and I’m encompassed by
A world of sin, which holds me in it’s thrall,
If I give in and to temptations fall.
Then strength grows slack, I waste in sorrow’s vale;
My peace destroyed, my enemies prevail.
My flesh is weak and I’m encompassed by
A world of sin, which holds me in it’s thrall,
If I give in and to temptations fall.
Then strength grows slack, I waste in sorrow’s vale;
My peace destroyed, my enemies prevail.
Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin.
Rejoice, my heart! And let me praise again,
The Lord my God, who is my rock and stay
To keep me strict upon His straight, plain way.
Oh let me shake at the first sight of sin
And thus escape my foes without and in.
Rejoice, my heart! And let me praise again,
The Lord my God, who is my rock and stay
To keep me strict upon His straight, plain way.
Oh let me shake at the first sight of sin
And thus escape my foes without and in.
We talked about this part in 2nd Nephi where Nephi calls himself a "wretched man".
Now, why would he call himself that if he was the closest to perfect example of steadfastness and faith?
He noted that despite his dedication to being faithful; he still had weak moments that he had to work EXTREMELY hard to overcome.
That got me thinking, especially now where I'm falling into old habits that I've been working years to overcome. I'm trying to be "good" again and to keep promises that I've made with the Lord numerous times, but being the weakling I am; I have broken them again and again. The thing is, I feel like I am abusing the power of the atonement. I feel sometimes like I have used my chances for forgiveness up. Could that be just me overthinking again? I know the Lord loves us, I KNOW he is ALWAYS willing to welcome us hard headed stubborn children into His arms. I really wish I had the strength to overcome my weak human moments like Nephi. Although it doesn't say in the scriptures; I know for a fact that Nephi faced temptation both in his every day life as well as in his own thoughts. I need his strength. I really do. I feel trapped sometimes though. My thoughts are what trap me in the first place and that's my fault because I feel I somehow allow these thoughts into my mind most of the time. The other half of the time I wash them out with my dedication to keep myself good and Christ like for my future family and especially the Lord.
I think that sometimes I want to see how far I can go before I completely cross the line and the thing is that I cross the line with just the thought of wanting to see how far I can go without crossing the line. Like I said, thoughts are what bring me to do these things. Today; I somehow went from being perfectly fine to crossing the line. Like I said, it all starts with thoughts. And those thoughts come from the things you expose yourself to. I really need to work harder. Really hard to control my thoughts. With controlling what comes into my mind I control my actions.
I really try so hard to be a better daughter to the Lord. I really want this because it could be the greatest accomplishment of my life for me.
Can you run out of tears?
Cause if you add mine up, I think I'm out.
Or should be out.
If the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, why do I feel like I'm gonna crumple at any moment?
Everything I do isn't good enough and everything that brings me at least a bit of happiness never lasts.
And right now, despite everyone that cares about me and everyone I love
I feel so alone.
And sometimes I just wanna disappear because everything is never right.
I can never have that bit of happiness in my life.
Not even a bit.
I know it's not true and there are things in my life that do bring me happiness, but those things aren't what I want. Some rarely are.
I sound so emo right now.
Whatever.
Cause if you add mine up, I think I'm out.
Or should be out.
If the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, why do I feel like I'm gonna crumple at any moment?
Everything I do isn't good enough and everything that brings me at least a bit of happiness never lasts.
And right now, despite everyone that cares about me and everyone I love
I feel so alone.
And sometimes I just wanna disappear because everything is never right.
I can never have that bit of happiness in my life.
Not even a bit.
I know it's not true and there are things in my life that do bring me happiness, but those things aren't what I want. Some rarely are.
I sound so emo right now.
Whatever.
Dude
...no.
Brain, this is not cool so stop. No boys... so get this one out of your mind.
But, I always wondered...what if.
Anyway, there's no harm in flirting as long as no further feelings develop right? I really am trying so hard to give myself a break from relationships and liking someone, but nooooo. The inner hopeless romantic in me is like running wild.
Chill out Jess. Seriously.
I guess I'm taking this whole "search for your companion" phrase from my blessing too literally.
But I can't not think about it.
I'm seriously going to go crazy.
uuggggggh.
Ehh, whatever.
I'm just not going to care about not caring about relationships.
I'll think about it, just not put it into action. THERE.
Now back to listening to Elvis Crespo.
Good Night and buenas noches!
Brain, this is not cool so stop. No boys... so get this one out of your mind.
But, I always wondered...what if.
Anyway, there's no harm in flirting as long as no further feelings develop right? I really am trying so hard to give myself a break from relationships and liking someone, but nooooo. The inner hopeless romantic in me is like running wild.
Chill out Jess. Seriously.
I guess I'm taking this whole "search for your companion" phrase from my blessing too literally.
But I can't not think about it.
I'm seriously going to go crazy.
uuggggggh.
Ehh, whatever.
I'm just not going to care about not caring about relationships.
I'll think about it, just not put it into action. THERE.
Now back to listening to Elvis Crespo.
Good Night and buenas noches!
Shoot.
I had a photo shoot with my cat the other day before going off to work and the following are the end products.
Not bad.
 |
 |
| Definitely my favorite! |
And of course my little cotton ball Josie.Life's too short
...to hold grudges about things you don't have control over and things that happen for your own good. Grudges are what start wars. And deaths. And antisocial behavior.
Let's just all hold hands and be friends ok?
And worry about being happy.
And not about silly things like boys...for now.
Sometimes I wanna sing out loud.
And I do.
Because I don't care.
Like I said, life's too short to be stupid about silly things like drama, being an angry ex, and hating on people who you care about-even though sometimes you doubt it.
But come on, beeeeee happy!
Let's just all hold hands and be friends ok?
And worry about being happy.
And not about silly things like boys...for now.
Sometimes I wanna sing out loud.
And I do.
Because I don't care.
Like I said, life's too short to be stupid about silly things like drama, being an angry ex, and hating on people who you care about-even though sometimes you doubt it.
But come on, beeeeee happy!
vampires
Whenever my mom is mad, she always gets mad at me for not putting dishes away and washing them. I really hate that. And then she starts complaining how I never do anything around the house and am lazy. First of all, I work all week. The weekends are the only times I have off. I have the right to be lazy at least once a week and not get accused for doing something I usually always do, but not doing for once. I'm not the freaking maid ya know. Just because I'm the oldest doesn't mean that I should be the one to wash dishes and clean. This is house is overflowing with sexism. AND WHY IN THE WORLD IS THE HEATER TURNED ALL THE WAY UP, I'M DYING OVER HERE. We're not in the Arctic, geez.
I've been nice to Sebastian and stuff. I invited him to the last dance ok. But don't expect me to be the miracle worker and fix his social life. I introduced him to my friends, I'm nice to him but stop expecting me to do everything for him. He has to start fending on his own or he'll never learn. That's how I learned and I'm fine. I made it on my own practically my whole life.
I really want to go back to Rexburg. I really don't like it here. It was nice at first and I have my moments where I'm happy I'm home, but a majority of the time it's always a pain in my head whenever I'm here. I'm accused for this, I'm blamed for that, I get screamed at, blahhhh blahhhh argghghghghghggggh!
DUDE, I just got the most intense inbox in the history of all inboxes. I'm LOLing so hard right now cause I would never in a million years expect that. Especially not them. Two people that have changed my life. Like whoa. But of course, it all depends on her definition of it though. But seriously?
On a brighter note, I decided to start reading the Twilight series again. It's actually not that bad. I don't see why people make such a big deal. It's just a love story. A love story I want. Of course, I'm never going to find a romantic vampire in my life, but someone like that. With that great amount of passion for someone and that desire to keep them safe and happy and just the thought of losing them pains them. Ahh, I could only wait patiently.
On an even brighter BRIGHTER note, I currently have $738 saved up for college next semester. And I still have more paychecks to be deposited in my account.
I've been nice to Sebastian and stuff. I invited him to the last dance ok. But don't expect me to be the miracle worker and fix his social life. I introduced him to my friends, I'm nice to him but stop expecting me to do everything for him. He has to start fending on his own or he'll never learn. That's how I learned and I'm fine. I made it on my own practically my whole life.
I really want to go back to Rexburg. I really don't like it here. It was nice at first and I have my moments where I'm happy I'm home, but a majority of the time it's always a pain in my head whenever I'm here. I'm accused for this, I'm blamed for that, I get screamed at, blahhhh blahhhh argghghghghghggggh!
DUDE, I just got the most intense inbox in the history of all inboxes. I'm LOLing so hard right now cause I would never in a million years expect that. Especially not them. Two people that have changed my life. Like whoa. But of course, it all depends on her definition of it though. But seriously?
On a brighter note, I decided to start reading the Twilight series again. It's actually not that bad. I don't see why people make such a big deal. It's just a love story. A love story I want. Of course, I'm never going to find a romantic vampire in my life, but someone like that. With that great amount of passion for someone and that desire to keep them safe and happy and just the thought of losing them pains them. Ahh, I could only wait patiently.
On an even brighter BRIGHTER note, I currently have $738 saved up for college next semester. And I still have more paychecks to be deposited in my account.
a haircut means many things
For me, every time I get a haircut it feels like a fresh new start. A fresh start in what?
Ehhhhh, everything.
Like a chapter in my life is over and I'm finally 100000% ready to move on.
Ehhhhh, everything.
Like a chapter in my life is over and I'm finally 100000% ready to move on.
Here's to the future and everything that is to come; both good and bad.
Better late then never huh?
Thumbs up!
lol, please excuse retarded thumb.
lol.
Sometimes I just wanna whack him in the head
I seriously almost died of anger today. I felt like I just wanted to take my things and leave. I raised my voice, I threatened to bring him to the office, I bribed him--nothing worked! This kid called me an "underwear face" even. And a jerk. I seriously was so close to wacking him in the head, but luckily I stopped myself. That wouldn't be good at all, if I got fired for child abuse :P
Also, Ryan (that's his name) told me how he hates his mom. He told me how he wanted to hit and punch her in the face. This kid is 4 years old. Seriously, this kid is going to have problems if he doesn't clean up his act.
My patience is wearing out with this kid.
"Breathe, breathe, breathe"
If I'm going to work with kids, my patience has to be at its highest.
That's another thing; my major, my career plans.
I don't know exactly what I wanna do. I'm considering being a preschool teacher, but with my experience with this kid and the constant headaches- ehh. We'll see. Everything will fall into place.
I seriously can't wait till spring semester. It's gonna be awesome.
Same ward as fall semester since I'll be in Mountain Pines with Annka. Oh well.
New people=new RMs=happy me.
ANNNNND fall semester gets better since I'll be rooming with the best roommate in history.
My favorite New Yorker Liz :)
And I'll see my favorite people; like Luna.
Instead of worrying about stupid guys that give you endless headaches, I'm going to enjoy myself.
I'm gonna play....hmmm what's the word?
Someone worth fighting for. And it's going to be quite a challenge, mwahaha!
But that's what I want. As corny and dreamlike as it sounds; I want to be "wooed"
I want to be chased for once. Maybe by that, my future romances won't turn out like shambles.
For now, who cares about guys.
I started reading the Book of Mormon in Spanish last week. I actually understand it better than reading it in English. Weird. Here I was, trying to be as American as possible. Speaking english, reading it, listening to it...rejecting my roots and my language. Now I find myself listening to spanish music, reading spanish, even dancing it! I really love it. I even attend the spanish sunday school at church and it's actually better than the ones I've been so accustomed to attending. I'll miss that when I go back to school.
But that's life.
Gotta take it as it comes and sit back and accept it. Because there's always a reason.
Always.
Also, Ryan (that's his name) told me how he hates his mom. He told me how he wanted to hit and punch her in the face. This kid is 4 years old. Seriously, this kid is going to have problems if he doesn't clean up his act.
My patience is wearing out with this kid.
"Breathe, breathe, breathe"
If I'm going to work with kids, my patience has to be at its highest.
That's another thing; my major, my career plans.
I don't know exactly what I wanna do. I'm considering being a preschool teacher, but with my experience with this kid and the constant headaches- ehh. We'll see. Everything will fall into place.
I seriously can't wait till spring semester. It's gonna be awesome.
Same ward as fall semester since I'll be in Mountain Pines with Annka. Oh well.
New people=new RMs=happy me.
ANNNNND fall semester gets better since I'll be rooming with the best roommate in history.
My favorite New Yorker Liz :)
And I'll see my favorite people; like Luna.
Instead of worrying about stupid guys that give you endless headaches, I'm going to enjoy myself.
I'm gonna play....hmmm what's the word?
Someone worth fighting for. And it's going to be quite a challenge, mwahaha!
But that's what I want. As corny and dreamlike as it sounds; I want to be "wooed"
I want to be chased for once. Maybe by that, my future romances won't turn out like shambles.
For now, who cares about guys.
I started reading the Book of Mormon in Spanish last week. I actually understand it better than reading it in English. Weird. Here I was, trying to be as American as possible. Speaking english, reading it, listening to it...rejecting my roots and my language. Now I find myself listening to spanish music, reading spanish, even dancing it! I really love it. I even attend the spanish sunday school at church and it's actually better than the ones I've been so accustomed to attending. I'll miss that when I go back to school.
But that's life.
Gotta take it as it comes and sit back and accept it. Because there's always a reason.
Always.
menea, menea, menea
I can spend hours dancing to this. Either once the music's over or my feet are sore; whichever comes first.
New passion discovered.
Like whoa.
New passion discovered.
Like whoa.
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