The Magic Flute

As of right now at this exact moment, I'm listening to this classical piece called The Magic Flute by the  London Philharmonic Orchestra and David Parry. Classical music isn't really my first choice of music, but it's alright. Very relaxing too.
I need to listen to like 99 tracks of classical music my humanities teacher assigned us and I think we need to become familiar with like 32 of these songs and we're going to be quizzed on it too.  Oh boy.


As an update, I'm in the second week of spring semester. It's not too bad so far, but a lot of busy work! I barely have time to just sit or watch a movie (minus this- writing a post. I only had one class today). Classes are good, like I said very busy too. I dropped my 3 hour marriage class because I need to focus on my math class. The first day of working on math I already became hopelessly confused. So a majority of my time needs to be spent with math. I'll take the regular not three hours marriage class fall semester. :)
My classes are crazy! So much work due! I finish one thing then there's another one that pops up...it never ends! 
Talking about classes, my math class is pretty interesting. I actually get it for once. But if I prepare myself before class by reviewing the day's work and of course, practicing A LOT!


In terms of dorm (or apartment life?)  it's mehhh. I don't love it and I don't hate it either. My roommates are super nice and all, but they're just not the type of people that I usually associate myself with. They're crazy and loud and well, I'm really not. I can be crazy and loud at times, but not ALL the time. I'm a serious person that takes things very seriously. And at times I relax a bit and let the crazy and loudness out. And to be honest, I was brought up to be a proper, polite, quiet person.I really can't change that no matter how hard I try or whatever effort I put in to change. Like I told Liz yesterday, CUCUMBER. but a cucumber that can be very annoying at times that it really gets on your nerves. But its a nice bunch of cucumbers.


So the other day was a bit interesting for me. So I walk out of my book of mormon class with my headphones blasting and I'm all into my music and all then bam! I trip over a step I didn't see. I tried to get up, as if nothing happened, but my backpack was heavy so every time I tried to get up I just fell back down again. This girl stopped and asked me if I was OK. Yeah, I was. THEN, this really awesomely looking guy named Allen reaches out his hand for me. I grab it. It was so smooth! Then we started to laugh it off and we talked and laughed some more...it was nice. I hope to see him again (:


My classes are crazy! So much work due! I finish one thing then there's another one that pops up...it never ends!
My head hurts.


I really hate it when people ask me I have a boyfriend yet or if I like someone. It makes me listen to romantic spanish ballads and think about him. I really try to avoid it, but like a random itch, it creeps to my mind and doesn't leave. I'm on break in that department. But here in Rexburg, there's really no escaping the lovey doveyness. My roommate with her boyfriend, the married couples in my classes, the couples on the street, walking, holding hands...it just makes me sad because I blew it when I had that. Although, I'm not entirely sure if what feeling I had was love or not. Was it just love for being with someone or IN love with him? Actually both. But alas, the time will come.


HERE'S THE DEAL. Now that I've cleaned myself up spiritually, I really am ready. I'm ready to fall heads over heels in love with someone. I know, I know, typical mormon. And I feel like I always end up writing about this topic, which I do. Let's do some analysis of my life to come into some conclusions.


I grew up with absolutely no father figure. I have a dad, but he's just there. We never have heart to heart convos, nothing. I have no model for myself of what guy I should be falling for. Both of my parents are married, but their marriage is in crumbles. There's always screaming, crying, cruelty, tears-- not my idea of a happy family to grow up in. I was always taught to not talk back, to be respectful--a factor that I believe adds on to my somewhat conservative personality. Anyway, I just want an escape. I want a family that I would have loved to grownup in. I want that kind of love that I see at church, in my ward. I want that bit of happiness that doesn't only last a few months, but that happiness that lasts for all eternity. That happiness that only that person brings into your life. That person only you have eyes for and no one else matters. That person that you want to help you be a better version of yourself. That person you would do anything for and expect nothing in return That person who cares more about your happiness than their own. 
It is the biggest dream I have, really. 
*here come the tears*
Oh boy, some people's voices can really trigger your tear ducts to prepare to let loose. 


I think about it sometimes. Who would want me though? I'm the weirdest person ever. I have stuff that's wrong with me. I have emotional baggage. Is there really someone out there that is preparing to marry me like it says in my blessing? I really do wonder. 


So I went latin dancing last week and that was...interesting. It was like a youth dance all over again. Choosing someone to dance with or waiting till someone asks you. And when nobody does you ask yourself, "is there something wrong with me?" Well, obviously for me there is. I have a lame hand and foot-a product from a bad fall when I was younger and all the physical abuse I received as a child in the head that screwed up my brain. I can't do most things people can, like skip, or catch a ball with both hands, or something simple like getting dressed in the morning and wondering if you're ever going to stop wearing the foot cast you have to help you walk. I'm pretty sure there aren't a lot of people out there with my unique story. But every time I feel useless and abnormal about what I go through, I think about the why. Why the Lord gave me this. It says (somewhere, I don't really remember) that the Lord gives His strongest soldiers the hardest battles.  My mom told me that the bishop told her many years ago that the Lord gives these types of conditions to those that fought with Him in battle so that they remain humble spirits. Am I really that special? Sometimes it's hard to accept that because then I feel like I'm thinking I'm all that, but I'm not. 
Is there really someone that can take me and accept all of me? Someone that understands what I've been through? Someone that can help me heal? Someone that can help me forget and make me feel like there's nothing wrong with me?


QUESTIONS.
QUESTIONS.
Questions.


That I patiently have to wait to be answered.
But when? Come on, when?