2014 is almost here...
Another year is over and I feel like crap. What's new? Hahaha, only because I'm sick right now. But really though, another year of nothingness. Hmmm, what happened this past year? My brother left on a mission, I fractured my foot, I went to school, got good grades...etc etc. Before I start to wallow in the lack of excitement in this past year, let's take a deep breath and appreciate all the great stuff that happened to me and to be more grateful for what did happen and what I did learn no matter how small and to not sulk away because of what didn't get accomplished this past year.
- I met some great people this past year and made and strengthened some friendships
- Saw my favorite band in concert and had the best day of my life with one of my best friends
- Met one of the most inspirational and motivating guy that I've ever met in my life
- Realized that I'm super awesome and that just because I'm single as a pringle doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. I finally came to terms with my singleness
- I came out of my shell...sorta. I did so much better this year. I feel like I gained so much more confidence and learned to find happiness in the small things
- Moved on
- Realized what I want to do with my life...again....sorta. Want to be a child life specialist, there's that. Still scared out out my mind to be an adult, a full on independent adult. One step at a time right?
That's what come to mind at the moment, but it's something!
Now for our favorite things--- resolutions! Woooooo!
- Eat cleaner and train harder
- Put myself at a better spiritual level
- Learn to drive (sad, isn't it?)
- Improve my cooking skills
- Read all standard works
- Grow out hair really long
- Stop being so lazy in general
- Write on blog more
- Improve money management!(seriously though!)
Here's to a better year! Here's to more drama, more tears, and more happiness. So as clique as it sounds, here's to a new me. Yay!
#newyearnewyou
Ouch
First off, I can't space my paragraphs here-- don't know why but it's seriously annoying having what I write be sprunched up in one giant paragraph, arg.
Anyway, it's Monday. Ew. I kinda like Monday's though because I don't go to class till 4:30 so it's nice. Same with Wednesdays and Fridays. Today I have to go and take my special education exam. I'm going to go directly after class though and stay at the testing center taking my sweet time and I'll be able to miss FHE. Bwahaha! Idk, I can't bring myself to be excited for FHE, like ever. Fir me at least, I see it as a waste of time honestly. I could be getting so much tome done during that time, seriously! I do feel like a total sinner for not going though.....but while I'm here I have to be super focused on my studies so really, I choose homework over that. I hope Heavenly Father understands :)
For the past week, I've had the most annoying pain in my foot. It's a tiny stress fracture really. It seriously hurts to walk like a normal person so I've been wobbling like a pirate with a wooden leg so far. It's weird. And frustrating. Especially with people giving you weird and pity looks as you walk by. And I want to go over to Scott's place sometime, but while my dumb foot decodes to be stupid--- I can't really walk too far. Like Tuesdays and Thursdays are killer-- I have to walk really far to get to my class. Other days I just have to walk across the street to get to my education class. I hope that it goes away soon before my trip next week to Minnesota.
Anyway, I'm hungry and have a test to study for. I might just stay and study and go take the test after class tomorrow. We'll see.
No, no,no
It's literally been FOREVER since I've written here. I'm sorry!
I'm at school right now. It's my 5th semester right now. It's November. I go home next month. Yay!
Seriously, I'm so fed up with everything right now. I'm tired of doing homework literally all the freaking time. It seems I never have time to do anything except that. And I'm tired of feelings. And feeling like a loser. And being single in a land surrounded by mushy couples. It literally makes you feel horrible about yourself and makes you feel like there's something wrong with you because you don't have anyone yet. Everywhere there are people getting into relationships and getting married-- then there's me over here overworking her brain and being a loser. It seriously is bad for my health being all around these couples-- it only makes me feel like some sort of fail. Anyway, moving on. Who honestly has time to wallow around and feel sorry for oneself because of lack of love? I know that the Lord has someone amazing out there for me---- he's just bettering himself for me before I meet him. Or maybe I already met him? Who knows and right now, I don't really care. Feelings of that sort are confusing and time consuming and arg. I can wait. Really. As much as I want that in my life right now, I know that in the Lord's will that may not be what He wants for me right now. All I can do is just accept it and patiently wait.
Here's a topic though that I've been thinking a lot about lately--- being friends with guys. I've found that I can't be friends with guys. Why? Because I end up having feelings for them or vice versa. Like with what happened with Mike. It doesn't work because A.) either they don't like you back that way or B.) you don't like them back that way. I've thought a lot about this. Am I missing out on not giving that individual a chance if they have feelings for me? You do marry your best friend after all. And a great relationship comes when both are friends to start off with. I'm kinda starting to go through this dilemma of potentially developing feelings for a friend. I don't want to that's the thing. Agh, I hate this. Typical.
Seriously though, at the moment I have feelings for like everyone right now. I wish I could turn that part of my brain off, really. I think that the reason that I may still be single is that I don't trust people, especially guys. I don't trust that there will ever be anyone who goes out of his way to talk to me and get to know me without me doing it. I know that the interaction goes both ways, but for me at least I just can't seem to do it. Whether it me with a guy I like or just a friend--- I don't like appearing like I'm being annoying by seeking them out. In other words, I don't want to seem like I'm pursuing them at all. So it's frustrating when a guy stops giving in the effort to get to talk to me because he somehow expects that I'll start seeking him out. No way, I don't do that. Never will. If you want something from me, you have to work hard for it. Whether it be friendship wise or not. When I see your effort then I might go out of my way to do the same for you if I develop a trust for you. Anyway, back to the guy thing. When a guy expresses interest, I guess he eventually expects for me to seek him out too and when I don't they think that I don't care about them anymore or whatever and then stop talking to me then poof, they disappear and the potential of anything ever happening is gone and I'm left going all WHAT THE HECK?
What's the point, really? Will there EVER be a guy out there that has the kind of patience with me to break out of my protective shell? Why even try, really. I know I say this over and over again to myself, but seriously I'm so done with this whole love thing. I don't even care anymore. I'm through developing foolish fantasies in my head and developing false hopes that never end up working out. I try, I really do. It's just that no guy that I've met yet can be patient with the way that I open up to them and trust them enough. I give so much to others. I'm a listening ear, I give advice, I try to comfort-- but what do I end up getting in return? I know that I shouldn't expect anything out of the service I give to others, but there's so much I can take. And so much waiting for something great. It's really frustrating sometimes. I just want to run around and scream-- how much more patient can I be? How much more patient does the Lord want me to be? I literally think that I'm going insane with all this waiting for the blessings that the Lord has promised me. I know that I'm not the best in scripture reading, prayer, etc., but I try to be the best person I can be. I try to be kind and loving to others. How much more do I have to wait to be blessed with these things my heart so ever desires? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do? How can I develop that motivation to improve on the aspects of me that need work?
Looks like I have some work to do!
I really love how blogging can get me to realize the obvious, haha
An Indescribable Love
Lately I've been thinking about how much I love music. Besides the Gospel, it is the second source of my happiness. No other feeling can top the feelings I get from music. I mean it when I say if music were a guy, I would marry it. I seriously don't even know who to describe what I feel about all the bands and artists that through their vocal chords have brought me the greatest happiness imaginable.
I love the Gospel and I love God. I'm so thankful for every miracle and sign of love and support He brings into my family's life as well as my own. I am so ungrateful sometimes with complaining about being single and little annoyances that I forget to thank Him for what I have. Fir my family, my health, the people that care about me, and my music. When no one was there music and the Lord have been there for me. That's why I look to music that inspires and that has meaning. I love music that makes me the happiest and that brings me the greatest joy. Music that inspires me to be a better me and that gives me courage.
Now to address something that I've had bottled up for sometime that I feel is so important that I address and let out before I forget all about it.
Same Love.
Gay marriage and the issue of gay rights is a hot topic if the world and a topic that many do not want to talk about. Before this past semester, this topic made me so uneasy to talk about because I didn't know what to tell others when they asked me about my opinion. In church we are taught that the family is the greatest gift that we can be give and that only through marriage between a man and a woman can true and complete happiness be achieved and I agree with that 100%. I support gay rights and I love gay individuals. They are God's children and I don't see them in a bad light. It's just their actions that I don't support, especially gay marriage. Marriage is so sacred and for that reason I don't support gay marriage. In one if my classes last semester we learned from a talk an authority gave that these feelings of same sex attraction are a trail hat many people came to Earth to go through as part of their journey of the mortal experience. The part of the song that says "Ï can't change even if I tried, even if I wanted to" makes me want to cry and it touches me so much. Yes you can change if you have the Lord by your side. Through the Lord anything is possible, anything. I know with all every part of me that the Lord loves us so much and that He has our well-being in mind when he faces us with hardships in our lives. He loves you so much, even when you refuse His love. Even if you turn your back on Him....He will be there to welcome you when you're ready to have Him in your life again.
It's never too late. Never ever let yourself believe that you're not worth it. The Lord loves you and only wants His children to follow the plan that will get them to live with Him again. God;s laws are the truth and His truth is unchangeable and eternal.
Peace.
I love the Gospel and I love God. I'm so thankful for every miracle and sign of love and support He brings into my family's life as well as my own. I am so ungrateful sometimes with complaining about being single and little annoyances that I forget to thank Him for what I have. Fir my family, my health, the people that care about me, and my music. When no one was there music and the Lord have been there for me. That's why I look to music that inspires and that has meaning. I love music that makes me the happiest and that brings me the greatest joy. Music that inspires me to be a better me and that gives me courage.
Now to address something that I've had bottled up for sometime that I feel is so important that I address and let out before I forget all about it.
Gay marriage and the issue of gay rights is a hot topic if the world and a topic that many do not want to talk about. Before this past semester, this topic made me so uneasy to talk about because I didn't know what to tell others when they asked me about my opinion. In church we are taught that the family is the greatest gift that we can be give and that only through marriage between a man and a woman can true and complete happiness be achieved and I agree with that 100%. I support gay rights and I love gay individuals. They are God's children and I don't see them in a bad light. It's just their actions that I don't support, especially gay marriage. Marriage is so sacred and for that reason I don't support gay marriage. In one if my classes last semester we learned from a talk an authority gave that these feelings of same sex attraction are a trail hat many people came to Earth to go through as part of their journey of the mortal experience. The part of the song that says "Ï can't change even if I tried, even if I wanted to" makes me want to cry and it touches me so much. Yes you can change if you have the Lord by your side. Through the Lord anything is possible, anything. I know with all every part of me that the Lord loves us so much and that He has our well-being in mind when he faces us with hardships in our lives. He loves you so much, even when you refuse His love. Even if you turn your back on Him....He will be there to welcome you when you're ready to have Him in your life again.
It's never too late. Never ever let yourself believe that you're not worth it. The Lord loves you and only wants His children to follow the plan that will get them to live with Him again. God;s laws are the truth and His truth is unchangeable and eternal.
Peace.
My babies!
Haha, not literally.
The Backstreet Boys came out with a new album last week for their 20th anniversary as a band and ahhhh, I love them! Therefore I refer to them as my babies because they are my first loves in terns of music. They were the first music that I listened to when I came here to the US.
Awwwe, they're amazing-- they've grown up sooo much since the first time they came together as a group. Now they're all married (except for Nick, he's engaged) and have have their own little family of their own and AWWW it's just so cute to realize this and think about how my other babies (one direction) are growing up too and soon they too will be all married and have kids of their own.
Anyway, let;s get this show on the road. It has been a while since my last post hasn't it? Well, school and all the stress that comes with it is over for the next 6 weeks or so then fall semester in September, ew. With this free time, I'm not doing anything. I'm going to sit back and enjoy being the lazy person that has been suppressed for an entire semester. The semester was busy. 7 classes and 17 credits! But I got straight As so it all paid off in the end. If I keep it up I can get close to a 4.0 overall GPA. I hope so, it would help so much for financial aid.
Let's address something that has been on my mind for what seems like ever and I didn't get the chance to address here.
So, a while back I really started to think a lot about Cainan. He was and is constantly on my mind. And it didn't help either that he never wrote me back since I sent him a letter in April.
So I'm thinking about him and our relationship and all that fun stuff-- then it really hit me how a horrible girlfriend I was to him. He was totally right in breaking up with me and that makes e wish that we had given each other a chance first to become friends rather than together. How I wish that I could redo that part of my life, I really do. Now that I've analyzed it-- I regret it cause I didn't appreciate what positives he did in my life and focused more on just having someone to make out with-- like I use him or something and he didn't deserve it. Like I said, I wish I could do it over. Some part of me though tells me that I will be able to do it over again, but who knows. He said that he broke up with me because he was going on a mission. He beer really had no other reason to besides what I just discussed. But it bothers me though because he could have come to me and talked about it. Uhhhh, I don't know. I'm just going to leave it at that and maybe when he gets back we'll see where we both are.
It seems that whenever I think I'm ready for giving dating a try-- I'm reminded that I'm not by the things that I learn each semester. and realizing all the things that I've done wrong n the past and need to work on before it happens. I guess there's still a ton I need to learn because as of now, I'm as single as a pringle and to be honest it bothers me. I know that it shouldn't and half of the time it doesn't natter to me until it just randomly hits me how great it would be to have someone live you and you love them back in that sense. And then there's my friends who are heading towards the road if where I want to be and where as a younger me, hoped I would be at by this age. I guess it's not my time yet and I just have to deal with it and stop focusing so much on it because have my whole life ahead. Plus, just because everyone is there at that point in their lives doesn't mean I'm required to or that there's something wrong with me because I'm not.
OK, the end. No more talking about this topic for the time being.
Anywaaaaay, what should I talk about then? How about the fact that I don't want to do fall semester? Like, it starts next month and I just got here-- it's not fair. I love being home and being lazy all day. I need to recover from spring semester because it was so busy and hard that my brain needs all the rest it could get. AH. Plus, sometimes I can't deal with Rexburg. It can be so annoying sometimes. There are hypocrites everywhere and it gets hard telling who's real and who's not and it becomes hard trusting others. I hope this makes sense. So what else have I been up to? Reading mostly. Currently I'm reading this book about hese two kids with cancer that are starting to fall in love with each other...it's adorable. Makes me think about how there is love for everyone no matter the circumstance.
Excuse me, I'm getting emotional right now.
Adrian's favorite sing is Ride by Lana del Ray and it's so beautiful and amazing that it makes me miss him so much.
The Backstreet Boys came out with a new album last week for their 20th anniversary as a band and ahhhh, I love them! Therefore I refer to them as my babies because they are my first loves in terns of music. They were the first music that I listened to when I came here to the US.
Anyway, let;s get this show on the road. It has been a while since my last post hasn't it? Well, school and all the stress that comes with it is over for the next 6 weeks or so then fall semester in September, ew. With this free time, I'm not doing anything. I'm going to sit back and enjoy being the lazy person that has been suppressed for an entire semester. The semester was busy. 7 classes and 17 credits! But I got straight As so it all paid off in the end. If I keep it up I can get close to a 4.0 overall GPA. I hope so, it would help so much for financial aid.
Let's address something that has been on my mind for what seems like ever and I didn't get the chance to address here.
So, a while back I really started to think a lot about Cainan. He was and is constantly on my mind. And it didn't help either that he never wrote me back since I sent him a letter in April.
So I'm thinking about him and our relationship and all that fun stuff-- then it really hit me how a horrible girlfriend I was to him. He was totally right in breaking up with me and that makes e wish that we had given each other a chance first to become friends rather than together. How I wish that I could redo that part of my life, I really do. Now that I've analyzed it-- I regret it cause I didn't appreciate what positives he did in my life and focused more on just having someone to make out with-- like I use him or something and he didn't deserve it. Like I said, I wish I could do it over. Some part of me though tells me that I will be able to do it over again, but who knows. He said that he broke up with me because he was going on a mission. He beer really had no other reason to besides what I just discussed. But it bothers me though because he could have come to me and talked about it. Uhhhh, I don't know. I'm just going to leave it at that and maybe when he gets back we'll see where we both are.
It seems that whenever I think I'm ready for giving dating a try-- I'm reminded that I'm not by the things that I learn each semester. and realizing all the things that I've done wrong n the past and need to work on before it happens. I guess there's still a ton I need to learn because as of now, I'm as single as a pringle and to be honest it bothers me. I know that it shouldn't and half of the time it doesn't natter to me until it just randomly hits me how great it would be to have someone live you and you love them back in that sense. And then there's my friends who are heading towards the road if where I want to be and where as a younger me, hoped I would be at by this age. I guess it's not my time yet and I just have to deal with it and stop focusing so much on it because have my whole life ahead. Plus, just because everyone is there at that point in their lives doesn't mean I'm required to or that there's something wrong with me because I'm not.
OK, the end. No more talking about this topic for the time being.
Anywaaaaay, what should I talk about then? How about the fact that I don't want to do fall semester? Like, it starts next month and I just got here-- it's not fair. I love being home and being lazy all day. I need to recover from spring semester because it was so busy and hard that my brain needs all the rest it could get. AH. Plus, sometimes I can't deal with Rexburg. It can be so annoying sometimes. There are hypocrites everywhere and it gets hard telling who's real and who's not and it becomes hard trusting others. I hope this makes sense. So what else have I been up to? Reading mostly. Currently I'm reading this book about hese two kids with cancer that are starting to fall in love with each other...it's adorable. Makes me think about how there is love for everyone no matter the circumstance.
Excuse me, I'm getting emotional right now.
Adrian's favorite sing is Ride by Lana del Ray and it's so beautiful and amazing that it makes me miss him so much.
Sometimes what you're searching for is in front of your own nose
...seriously.
But more on that later :)
But more on that later :)
The Lord is testing me
...really.
What I'm going through right now tests my willingness to be patient and trusting that the Lord will in due time grant me with what my heart yearns to have so bad; a family.
Like, I feel so empty knowing that I don't have another person to complete me, a guy. That sounds dumb, but it's true. We are all to some extent born with this desire. After all man completes woman and woman completes man so that feeling to be with a partner is natural-- at least in my eyes. And for me, this feeling is kicking me full blast and to be honest, it's making me feel like a failure in some sense because I don't go out of my way to form or at least really try to start a romantic relationship because of my fear of betrayal and rejection. At this point I have just left it up to the Lord to decide who He wants me to be with and when. I have total faith that He'll do this for me. All I need is the patience and the Spirit to tell me what the Lord wants me to know.
K, goodnight.
What I'm going through right now tests my willingness to be patient and trusting that the Lord will in due time grant me with what my heart yearns to have so bad; a family.
Like, I feel so empty knowing that I don't have another person to complete me, a guy. That sounds dumb, but it's true. We are all to some extent born with this desire. After all man completes woman and woman completes man so that feeling to be with a partner is natural-- at least in my eyes. And for me, this feeling is kicking me full blast and to be honest, it's making me feel like a failure in some sense because I don't go out of my way to form or at least really try to start a romantic relationship because of my fear of betrayal and rejection. At this point I have just left it up to the Lord to decide who He wants me to be with and when. I have total faith that He'll do this for me. All I need is the patience and the Spirit to tell me what the Lord wants me to know.
K, goodnight.
Seek him out at the appropriate time
School's great, it really is. I love my classes and my roommates. I love my ward, my friends-- everything.
Now let's get down to business shall we?
Last week was fast and testimony meeting and the whole week leading up to it I've had the strongest and most beautiful experiences. All of a sudden out of the blue it just hit me; it hit me that I need to share with everyone about me, the whole me. To share what has made me into who I am today and what I have denied to include in my testimony of the Gospel all this time. I've a;ways been afraid to share this with others because I felt that opening up like that made me more vulnerable than I already am. But the Lord, through the Spirit, reassured me of His biggest promise; that nothing bad would happen. That no one will judge me because after all-- I should be more afraid of His judgement than man's. It took all the strength I had to make it up to that podium that fast Sunday. But I did and I have never felt so free as I do now; as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now don't think it was something bad, like a horrible hidden past, no. I shared my testimony about faith. About how after so many years living with a physical limitation has tested my own faith and my love for the Lord. How the Gospel has been my rock upon which I built my life on. How it has helped me in the most difficult times of my life. How I rejoice over His promise to all of us that upon resurrection, we will be restored-- our bodies free of all illness and blemish.
You have to understand that this was such a HUGE step for me in every single way. The only people that know about this condition I have are my close friends and family-- so it took so much courage telling this to strangers, people I barely know. But you know what? I feel like the Lord is really pleased with this step I took, that through it I know a blessing will come of it. That this decision has allowed me to really progress in my life. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel closer to achieving something-- but what is it?
All these classes that I'm in have such a huge emphasis on marriage and family-- that it has caused me to seriously start thinking about when my time to meet my eternal companion will come. I'm so frustrated though, seriously. I'm doing everything I need in order to achieve this blessing that the Lord has promised me, so why is it taking what seems like forever? I know I'm only 20, but I just feel so strong about this, about my desire to get married. You know that scripture that says man can't be without women and vice versa? I literally feel like that; that I need a man, my companion to be me, to be the full me. Does that even make sense? I don't know, but it's the truth. I finally feel like I'm in a good place in my life right now, so I feel like it's that time that I get back on the boat that is love. I miss it, I really do. I miss being held, I miss the feeling of being loved by someone other than a friend or family. The kind of love that the Lord has made man and woman for.
I was reading my patriarchal blessing last night, especially the portion that talks about my eternal companion. It specifically said that I need to seek this guy out at the appropriate time, but how can I if have no idea of what I'm looking for or what I'm doing? I'm so bad at talking to guys that I have no idea how to even seek whoever this guy may be. I really hope that he knows how much I need him right now, how much I already love him, how much I plead for his safety and well being; that he remains true to his priesthood and his faith. That he keep himself worthy to take me to the temple when the time comes.
I know I must sound crazy, but I'm not. An eternal family is something that I've always wanted all my life. It is the biggest thing that I desire out of everything else and I pray each day that somehow I get closer to achieving this goal. From scripture study I have learned the importance of patience. And this patience is what I need more of in this situation. I need the faith that the Lord will lead me and whoever my eternal companion may be towards finding each other to be sealed for time and all eternity. All I need is patience that the Lord will bless me with this promise, that He will at His own time, not mine.
All I have is faith and that faith is what will keep me going everyday.
Hello
I feel like such a slacker for not updating this blog as much as I used to, but I've just been too lazy to be honest. Here are some highlights though:
1. My brother left on his mission on the 27th. He finished his stay at the MTC and he's going to be sent out on the field tomorrow!
2. New Fall Out Boy album is so good omg I love these guys more than sleep and food.
See, you didn't really miss much.
OH YEAH, I go back to school next week OMG FINALLY! I love being home, don't get me wrong, but there's nothing to do here at all. All this time all I've done is worked my butt of at the gym and watched wedding and baby shows on TLC and let's not forget Twitter and my account dedicated to a boy band, hahaha. But seriously though, I love Twitter. It's so full of drama-- it's so entertaining being in the midst of it all.
Back on topic, school. I registered for 18 credits and I pretty much think I'm doomed-- I seriously hope not. My friend took 19 last year and she made it, but that's because she's focused and stuff, but me? AHAHAHAHAHA, that's funny. But I'm going to try my hardest to be super focused though, pinky swear!
I'm excited for my classes though, should be fun to be learning again after being brain dead for 3 months. I'm taking 2 online classes too so I have to be super focused with keeping up with those 2 classes AND my on campus classes. Aside from school though, I'm soooooo excited to be sharing an apartment with my friend Stephanie and her friend Gabby. The rooming list was sent last week and so far it's just the 3 of us which is great news for me because for some reason, I'm not really good with getting along and living with strangers so I'm stoked for this semester's living arrangement.
1. My brother left on his mission on the 27th. He finished his stay at the MTC and he's going to be sent out on the field tomorrow!
2. New Fall Out Boy album is so good omg I love these guys more than sleep and food.
See, you didn't really miss much.
OH YEAH, I go back to school next week OMG FINALLY! I love being home, don't get me wrong, but there's nothing to do here at all. All this time all I've done is worked my butt of at the gym and watched wedding and baby shows on TLC and let's not forget Twitter and my account dedicated to a boy band, hahaha. But seriously though, I love Twitter. It's so full of drama-- it's so entertaining being in the midst of it all.
Back on topic, school. I registered for 18 credits and I pretty much think I'm doomed-- I seriously hope not. My friend took 19 last year and she made it, but that's because she's focused and stuff, but me? AHAHAHAHAHA, that's funny. But I'm going to try my hardest to be super focused though, pinky swear!
I'm excited for my classes though, should be fun to be learning again after being brain dead for 3 months. I'm taking 2 online classes too so I have to be super focused with keeping up with those 2 classes AND my on campus classes. Aside from school though, I'm soooooo excited to be sharing an apartment with my friend Stephanie and her friend Gabby. The rooming list was sent last week and so far it's just the 3 of us which is great news for me because for some reason, I'm not really good with getting along and living with strangers so I'm stoked for this semester's living arrangement.
I can really be overdramatic
In relation to the post below-- well then.
Well played God, well played.
So after that post and venting on here, I decided to go out and sit on the porch despite it being freezing outside. So I put on my coat, grabbed my scriptures and left. At that time the only thing that could truly calm me down was the scriptures-- whatever I read was going to help me and boy did it. At first I started reading D&C, but something wasn't right. So I started with the New Testament instead and started with Matthew. I read about the birth of Christ and how King Herod was after him and how they escaped to Egypt then came back and the formation of the 12 disciples up until the Sermon on the Mount. What got me was what Jesus said about loving our enemies, blessing those that curse us, and turning the other cheek when wronged. What was I accomplishing by being angry? I don't remember exactly where I read it, but I read somewhere that being angry is like threatening to throw a rock at someone while squeezing a bunch of salt-- it only hurts you. That's something that I need to work on-- not being so quick to get angry as well as holding my tongue when I'm angry. Let me tell you, when I'm mad I say mean things and tend to hurt feelings.
And on that note I leave you with a little song.
What about me?
I feel forgotten, I really do. I know that the Lord never leaves us and is always with us-- but I feel like He's just left me here to deal on my own. I'm good, I try everyday to choose the right and to be happy, but I feel like He's abandoned me. I don't know what else to say except that I feel alone. Everyday it feels like my own family is against me. I get blamed for everything, I get made fun of for no reason sometimes, I get insulted and taken advantage of. Yet somehow I always end up forgetting what they do to me and forgiving because that's what I've been taught to do-- to forgive others. But family isn't supposed to act like that-- to treat someone unfairly and keep expecting them to always be there to forgive them. I always end up forgiving anyway-- no matter how hard I try. And then the cycle begins again. And again-- and at this point I really feel like grabbing all my things and leaving because I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm the cause for everything, like feeling like I'm a horrible person for forgetting to do the dishes for once. So much pressure is put on me to be the perfect daughter who does everything. Who keeps everything clean, who does the dishes, who doesn't fight or argue, but I'm not that person.
I'm messy, I get mad easily, I'm lazy sometimes and I am in no way perfect so why can't people accept that?
Just because I'm the oldest I'm expected to do everything and whenever I do something wrong-- the consequence is harder. My two other siblings? They do something wrong and they get a lecture and that's it. But no, not me. I get screamed at up until the point where I end up hating myself. Like I said, I just want to get all my things and leave. But I can't. It's like I have shackles strapped to my ankles and I'm a bird trying to fly away. I have no money for myself-- only money save for my school expenses so it's not like I can go out and get a place of my own. And then the even bigger issue-- I still don't know how to drive. Like, seriously WHAT THE HECK. The story to that is long and boring and I rather not get into it.
And don't even get me started on my brat of a sister. She takes advantage of me the most. She throws out the most hurtful things. Like today she told me to go fall in a ditch and I heard her talking to her friend and say she prefers my brother to me. Thanks for that.
Tell me how I'm supposed to be happy with my life if the people that are supposed to be there for me and love me laugh when I cry, make me feel like I don't matter, and treat mistakes I make as if they were horrible sins?
But you know what, someday I hope that things seriously get better for me.
Right now my own faith is being tested and I guess the only thing I can do is hold on.
Ah crap, my nail broke
I sometimes just don't understand why I must be so awkward when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. Wait, scratch that. Not sometimes, try all the time. It's like I'm missing that special part in my brain or something because I honestly can't carry out a normal conversation without being awkward. I either speak too fast, or my words gets too jumbled up, or I end up falling or doing or saying something stupid.
And that is why ladies and gentlemen I am going to be single forever.
Haha, I crack myself up.
Of course there are those exceptions as in those 4 poor guys I went out with for an extended period of time
And that is why ladies and gentlemen I am going to be single forever.
Haha, I crack myself up.
Of course there are those exceptions as in those 4 poor guys I went out with for an extended period of time
Heart Attack
IM GONNA GET CHA GET CHA GET CHA
One Direction has taken over. I'm a 20 year old totally in love with a boyband that is admired mostly by 12 year olds-- sue me.
Ed Sheeran is AMAZING, seriously. His voice is so great and angelic and I wish it was a scented candle sometimes because that's how much I love his voice AH
I don't know why I haven't had the same amount of dedication to write here as before, oh well. I'll give it a go though. To begin with-- everything is the same as it was last time with the exception that I go back to school next month. This time around I'm actually sure that I'll get that semester that I've always looked forward to have, but didn't. This time around none of the guy crap because I am so over guys right now and frankly all they give you is headaches. I'm even going to double my credits so that I'll always be busy doing something because these past semesters I've been slacking. Not in the sense that I've gotten bad grades-- my grades are great, but it's just that I've always left room in my schedule for guys and going out, but not anymore. These next three months are going to be dedicated solely to school related things and the occasional outing with my friends AND THE FALL OUT BOY CONCERT IN JUNE AH AND THEN ECUADOR IN AUGUST AND THE ONE DIRECTION 3D MOVIE HOLY CRAP SO MANY THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO
Sometimes I just sit back and realize how truly blessed I am to have the things I have. Not much, but it's enough to make me happy.
Some of those are little things like listening to a new song, discovering new music, learning the lyrics to a song, getting through a hard workout, laughing until my stomach hurts, watching a great movie, reading a great book-- all those little things add up to the amount of happiness that I have found in my life. I really have no need to worry about stupid things that taint this happiness I feel in my life right now.
At the start of the new year I mad a promise to myself that I would keep calm in terms of getting feelings for a guy. And I really do intend to keep that promise...thing is I kinda fell off that bandwagon with the return of this guy, but there's nothing coming out of it so might as well forget it, keep my head up, and keep walking on before I really end up becoming an emotional mess like last semester.
One day I'm going to look back to all of this unnecessary drama I created for myself and laugh at how stupid I was.
Fall Out Boy is back and I may or may not still be freaking out
This band was the first band that I loved with every fiber of my being and I was so sad when I heard that they were taking "time off" to pursue their own solo stuff. I listened to their projects and I enjoyed every new project they were doing. I bought Pat's album as a solo artist and obsessed. I saw Pete in concert with his new band and screamed my head off. I even decided to try giving Joe's stuff a try but it was way too dark and goosebumpy to venture any further haha. As for Andy, I haven't heard of him since.
Until now.
I woke up this week on a nice fine Monday morning to news that my all time favorite band was coming together again. I almost cried. I screamed on the inside. I researched everything I could to confirm it was true. I even excitedly reported the news to random people, like the missionaries that came over that night. And then I heard this AHMAZING piece of music. ASAJDFSHGSHDAGS. It's not like their stuff from before, but artists chance and grow and so does their music. And since they're going on tour this summer and playing in SLC while I'm in the West--- what better way than to spend an evening screaming and singing along to them. Just hope to the music gods that I'll be able to get a hold of a ticket. And even if I can't make it, I can just settle for blasting their new album in my room.
I really have nothing to say. Life has been ehhh. OH, my favorite missionary got transferred back to my ward! It's kinda funny considering he's officially done with his mission next month. But as long as he's here, might as well cherish the moment. He's really such a riot. What a funny dude. On Monday I literally couldn't stop laughing. I don't even know what I was laughing over. I think he said something funny, but I don't remember. Anyway, he's my favorite. Who am I kidding, I like them all. All the missionaries that I meet are awesome and great and friendly, but there's always that one individual I really click with and can talk to and feel so 100% comfortable with. It makes me sad when they leave, but that's a mormon's life.
And OH! I started doing HIIT. This channel is literally a gift from the exercise gods. THIS shiz is cray, but addicting. Hmmmm, what else. Yeah, not much. Working out, full house reruns, green smoothie making, twitter--- my life consists of that now up until I go back to school. Can't complain, it's peaceful not being stressed over school or anything for that matter. The only stress I get in my life now is when my computer overheats in my middle of doing a workout.
So on that note, here's a bit of FOB appreciation.
And that hat on Pat, don't even get me started.
Like really, monkeys make everything better.
The song with all the feels. Panic and FOB TOGETHER?!
BEST IDEA.
EVER.
And in case you were all wondering, I had a thing for the lead singer.
Mr. Patrick Stump.
Pffft!
People really piss me off sometimes. Like a lot. I do something and it bugs them. Not anyone in general, but overall, like everyone...ya know?
Like I care.
And just thinking about how it bugs them makes me laugh out loud to myself in the middle of the night.
Listen, do whatever the heck you want. Of course, in a reasonable manner. Who cares what anyone thinks really. The only opinions that matter should be your parents', yourself, and the Lord.
It's not like I'm spending my time dealing drugs, geez.
Listen to cheesy music, laugh like a loon in public, obsess over things, fangirl a bit.
Do what makes you happy.
Like I care.
And just thinking about how it bugs them makes me laugh out loud to myself in the middle of the night.
Listen, do whatever the heck you want. Of course, in a reasonable manner. Who cares what anyone thinks really. The only opinions that matter should be your parents', yourself, and the Lord.
It's not like I'm spending my time dealing drugs, geez.
Listen to cheesy music, laugh like a loon in public, obsess over things, fangirl a bit.
Do what makes you happy.
One Direction Appreciation
I have to watch this at least once a day to go on with my life in a calm manner.
True Life.
Kay bye, I'm gonna fangirl on tumblr now.
Before I go, please.
Can I just say that AT THIS VERY MOMENT I am seriously so like, extremely happy and cheery and like WOW. And I can't seem to understand why exactly. But whatever, I'll take it.
The series reminded so much of me, especially with the main character, Ted. He's so caught up in trying to end up with the perfect person and getting married. He expected that he would realize this dream in his early young adulthood, but he didn't. This show in a way made me further realize that this time in my life I shouldn't even obsess about finding the "one". I have all the time in the world so why rush it right? I seriously don't care anymore about the whole deal; dating, guys, relationships, etc because I seriously don't have the patience to keep on caring since it has never worked out for me anyway. A guy can't make my whole life worth living like I've honestly thought before. Last year I felt like having an "other" was the ultimate pill to happiness, but it's not! I make my own happiness and a guy is not the only thing that I need to feel whole. Seriously, I just want to go back in time, specifically a couple months ago when I was pretty much head over heels crazy about this guy and slap myself because it was really stupid to. It really wasn't worth it in the end aside from the huge lesson I learned from it. Kinda funny, how I learn all these lessons that are life-changing from situations that bring tears, craziness, and time consumption. Life is funny sometimes, huh? But that's the way it works and we just gotta deal.
*perfect way to end a post, haha*
One Direction
So um, I love this band. Bless their hearts for bringing amazing to America and not keeping it all in the UK.
Especially Niall, he's perfect in every single way.
It's almost 2am and here I am listening to Taylor Swift and singing like a teenager at the top of my lungs with my little sister. AT (close to) 2AM.
Love these moments.
Especially Niall, he's perfect in every single way.
It's almost 2am and here I am listening to Taylor Swift and singing like a teenager at the top of my lungs with my little sister. AT (close to) 2AM.
Love these moments.
Whoa, what are you doing there?
Have you ever had those moments where you can't fall asleep because there is someone on your mind? A person that randomly just chooses to pop into your mind that hasn't visited in like forever into your subconscious. Usually when someone pops in randomly like that it usually means that they're thinking of you too OR that you yourself need to see and ask what they're up do, how they're doing. I don't know. At this point, I'm just done with all that happened last year and I'm just over it all. But I just can't shake this feeling that something is up. Hmm, we'll see.
So I've been thinking, mostly about what I'm going to do with my future. When will I finally really and permanently move away from home and truly be on my own? Of course, first things first-- I need to get a couple things done first before that. For some reason I want to move to the city as my first "official" place. Funny, I've never really seen myself living in the city, EVER, simply because it smells, it's too loud, the people are too mean and too quick paced, but I don't know-- somehow that quick paced lifestyle is appealing. Or I could just stay here, where I am, but rent out a nice apartment on my own. Who knows, right? In the mean time I'm just focused on school and what I'm going to do with my life and where it's headed. Right now I'm in total "detox" mode-- in a way "cleaning" myself from everything that made me a sad sappy mess. Away with that! I'm totally in dominating mode. I feel that this new year will have some surprising things in store for me. Of course life isn't life without a few knocks to the ground and in the meantime I will start building an indestructible shield within myself to never ever let myself be hurt again, ever.
My dad leaving totally changed my perspective on life; that you can only really depend on yourself in the end and of course the Lord. There comes a time where you just gotta get a grip, wipe away the self pity you have, wipe away those tears, and kick those spells away. When you're sad and down, Satan just laughs. He laughs that you're that way. That's something I regret, how could I have let myself allow that? But like I said before, that's over for good. I will no longer give him a reason to be happy about my misery.
SO, guess where I'm finally going this year? To Ecuador! Really excited, really. All my family is down there. Over here it's kinda barren relative wise, but over there...so many cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Family really is great. So great. Be grateful for what you have dear reader, appreciate your family and all their little moments of quirkiness
You know who's great and amazing?
Rob Thomas.
He really is such an amazing artist, like oh my goodness.
So I've been thinking, mostly about what I'm going to do with my future. When will I finally really and permanently move away from home and truly be on my own? Of course, first things first-- I need to get a couple things done first before that. For some reason I want to move to the city as my first "official" place. Funny, I've never really seen myself living in the city, EVER, simply because it smells, it's too loud, the people are too mean and too quick paced, but I don't know-- somehow that quick paced lifestyle is appealing. Or I could just stay here, where I am, but rent out a nice apartment on my own. Who knows, right? In the mean time I'm just focused on school and what I'm going to do with my life and where it's headed. Right now I'm in total "detox" mode-- in a way "cleaning" myself from everything that made me a sad sappy mess. Away with that! I'm totally in dominating mode. I feel that this new year will have some surprising things in store for me. Of course life isn't life without a few knocks to the ground and in the meantime I will start building an indestructible shield within myself to never ever let myself be hurt again, ever.
My dad leaving totally changed my perspective on life; that you can only really depend on yourself in the end and of course the Lord. There comes a time where you just gotta get a grip, wipe away the self pity you have, wipe away those tears, and kick those spells away. When you're sad and down, Satan just laughs. He laughs that you're that way. That's something I regret, how could I have let myself allow that? But like I said before, that's over for good. I will no longer give him a reason to be happy about my misery.
SO, guess where I'm finally going this year? To Ecuador! Really excited, really. All my family is down there. Over here it's kinda barren relative wise, but over there...so many cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Family really is great. So great. Be grateful for what you have dear reader, appreciate your family and all their little moments of quirkiness
You know who's great and amazing?
Rob Thomas.
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