I actually don't really know what to write about- I'm suffering from writer's block. Life is pretty great. I mean I'm accomplishing my goals in the career and academic sense, still as single as a pringle, but whatever I honestly don't even care anymore. The way that my love life is looking, I'm content with being single forever with my house full of cats. Ugh, such a disappointment. You know what though, I'm done with my expectations. Who cares if I date a non member. All my successful relationships were with non members anyway. No longer will I discriminate based on religion dating wise because to be honest, some non member guys are 100 times better than a member guy. Exhibit A: just take a look at a majority of the guys up at school- judgmental horny guys. This expands my dating options by a ton hahahaha.Ohhhh, I know what I'll write about! This is taken from an almost experience that happened last semester. I looked into the whole Tinder thing to see what all the fuss was about and I started communicating with this guy. He was pretty fine too, scruff and perfect 10 smile. Anyway, during that time I was going through a "screw this I'll do whatever I want" stage and came so close to what I believed to be an ncmo with this guy, but he had other things on his mind too so I chickened out. Then I really found out what Tinder was used for which was casual sex basically. Haha, I was so close to doing something I would regret later on. Anyway, at least I have an interesting story to tell out of it, but he was really gorgeous though omg.
Anyway my point is and I'm going to let it all out- is waiting and being good really worth it? Cause I feel like I lead a bland life. Yes I'm getting stuff done, but there is no fun. Sometimes I feel as if I'm waiting around for something that will never come, that I'm wasting these years of my life being the goody goody that everyone expects me to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm being held back out of my fear for God and my want to never disappoint him again. But sometimes it feels like I've been forgotten or something. I know that I should be grateful for what I have and that he does play a part in my life by giving me small miracles and a helping hand, but it's not enough. I feel like I'm not living life to the fullest. People have been so disappointing and fake for a while now and all of this has really put a dent on my own faith. I don't know what to believe anymore, but deep in my heart I know what I've known all my life is true and no matter how disappointed and unfaithful I may be that the church and all its teachings are true. It's not what the church teaches that makes me this way in going through a rough patch of faith, but a majority of it is the actual people. BYUI for example, that place has really ruined it for me. So many fake people. So. many. I'm glad I'm taking spring off and doing it at home instead. But getting back to the level of spiritual that I was once at is so hard and I want to get there again. Baby steps.
Enough of that. You know what was really disappointing? The 3rd hobbit movie. That was really disappointing to me. I thought it was going to be super bad ass, but I guess not. I feel like the movie was rushed and everything happened way too fast. Oh well.
I feel weird not going back to Rexburg till September. I feel like I'll miss out on something there. I won't. I don't have a job or anything to hold me there. My life is here in NY. Seriously can't wait to be 100% out of that school. On another note, I decided what I'm gonna do. Graduate, take a year off working and getting health stuff figured out (like a tendon transfer/transplant) hopefully, and just enjoying myself. Then get my masters online. Hopefully it all works out!
Gonna go get some food, I'm starving.
No comments:
Post a Comment