It seems that every semester brings a life lesson. This semester it was that-- that people come into your life and some just don't stick around even though you so desperately want them to. Everything works under the Lord's doing and I have come to accept that. Although people are coming and going in my life right now I just can't let that stop me from being happy with my life. I can't torment myself over thinking that I did something wrong and that it's all my fault that some things just don't work out with others.
School has just been a blur. Getting my assignments done and whatnot-- and I don't even see and realize that I go home soon. I've been so preoccupied with all the drama that this semester has brought that everyday just feels like a total blur-- it goes by so fast too. But that's what I like because at this point I just want to go home. I'm just so fed up with everyone here, especially those that have made me feel like the bad guy and like I don't deserve the truth. It's just so exhausting. No matter how hard I try not to think about it, it just all comes flooding back.
At this point I'm so focused on school and my classes and my overall love of running that slowly these factors are helping me not think about those that I want so much, but can't have. Because apparently, life is just not cooperating with me and what I want. The Lord though, He knows. So by these experiences that have occurred this semester so far, they're just ways of His will getting me closer to where He wants me to be. The Lord knows me better than I know myself so He knows what's good for me and what isn't. And that also applies to people. If He knows that I'm just not supposed to have them in my life, He will make it hard for them to be and me on the other hand will try to fight it, but He always wins. "No Jess, I know what's good for you and ____ is simply just not supposed to be in your life."And I've noticed that He's put me in situations to make me see why they're not supposed to be. And I've finally come to accept it and move on. No longer resisting with truth that I've known to be right all along in my heart.
There is still SO much that I want to share, but I guess that's just gotta have to wait.
I am seriously sore and in need of a good back rub. Hopefully sleeping makes it better. Hopefully.
Be careful with what you say
I've been meaning to post this up for a while, but for a while I just shrugged it off. But I need to so that one day I can look back at this and ponder my behavior. Was it really right? Did I do wrong in keeping my mouth shut?
The funny thing about meeting people that you get to know over social media and through texting or whatever is that you gain this perception of them in your mind. In a way-- a perfect idea of them. You've only been exposed to what they chose to show to you. The problem with this is that later on when you DO end up learning about them in a different light like in the way they associate with others-- that perfect perception that you've developed of them dies. You see the way they they act around others and you dn't see what you saw--what they chose to show you and then you get upset because basically, this person lied. Not lied as in your typical lie, but lie as in being dishonest in who they were. For instance, I saw this person from what little I knew as a kind hearted person who generally showed total concern for others. I only perceived this from the way that this person communicated with me.
That's the problem with me. Why can't I meet people the way normal people do and not like this? In a way that blocks me from seeing both sides of them, not giving them the power to chose what to show me.
And I may be right. But the way that I saw this person present themselves was what I have grown to dislike. This person's behavior overall was the exact same behavior as the one person in my life who has disappointed me the most.
So why waste my time, any of my time?
I already wasted a majority of it thinking and overthinking and making myself miserable.
But you know what?
The way that this person behaved from what I saw was the exact same behavior that led my mom to marry a man that let the way of the world influence the way that he acted. He had a sensitive side yes, but he let his friends and the world influence how he acted when deep inside he knew that what he was behaving like and talking like was wrong.
But whatever, I'm not here to judge. And I probably am giving of the impression of me being a judgmental person. But I'm not.
I feel it's a mask. A mask that most people put on to show the world so that the world accepts them.
In the situation I was in, I chose not to put on that mask. I knew that the way everyone was acting like was not me. Crudeness isn't my style at all so I did what I do best-- I kept my mouth shut. Was it right of me though?
Then the thought crept into my mind. I was probably sending off the message of me being anti social or shy or whatever. But you know what? I'm not either of those. Since I was little I've been social and outgoing. Little by little as I grew up and faced downsides of life-- my guard slowly went up and I've found that I'm only myself around people that bring out the best in me by their words, their actions. And what I witnessed that weekend was not that so I kept quiet. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm not going to engage in behavior that I know isn't pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. Being there and hearing what was being said made me feel so uncomfortable and so vulnerable--vulnerable in the way that I no longer felt the Spirit with me. I knew at that moment, when my heart sank, that I had to get out. Why did I waste so much time thinking that the situation would change when it didn't
I don't want to sound like I think I'm better than others, no. I've simply grown to realize on my own through my experiences that we don't realize that the way and manner that we speak can be offending, crude, and even unrighteous. The way that we speak with others and communicate to me is a window not only into getting to know their personality-- but for me it tells me, it makes me feel their spirituality. I don't even know if that makes sense. I've developed this tendency since I finally decided to rid myself of all the things that I knew were ultimately were going to destroy my spirit, where I am very sensitive to the Spirit. I get the biggest feelings when I know I'm in the wrong place, with the wrong people, with the wrong environment. The Spirit gets offended and doesn't want to stay with me and keep me safe. I don't really know how to describe it--that was my attempt. I've grown to feel the effect that certain people have on this sensitivity of my mine. And that weekend, I knew. This person was not who I thought they were solely based on the effect that this person's presence and speak had on my spirit. My spirit ran away from me because the environment that was created wasn't fit for it to dwell.
Even I do this sometimes. I engage in talk that I know is not right. But what I've grown to see is that we do this so that we don't appear to be weak to others. So that we fit in with the way that everyone else is behaving like. Lesson learned though, speak up and defend your right to be in an environment that fosters peace and the constant company of the Spirit. And that's what I'm working hard on. On cleaning my language up. My behavior.
I thought that coming here, the Lord's school, would protect me from this.
But even here, it's hard to find people that bring out the best in me.
What I've perceived and what I feel like is that most people here are two faced--spiritually.
They do what's right and follow what they know is true which is great, but act a different way around others in a manner that they know that they shouldn't.
Not everything is perfect though--and there will always be good and not so good everywhere you go.
But what do I know, these are just ramblings.
And I totally seem to be stuck up and self centered and prideful-- but I know I'm not so the opinion of others doesn't matter to me. Because I know who I am and who I'm not.
I'm grateful for this experience though because it has changed the way that I see myself. It has opened my eyes to the effect that language has on one.
The funny thing about meeting people that you get to know over social media and through texting or whatever is that you gain this perception of them in your mind. In a way-- a perfect idea of them. You've only been exposed to what they chose to show to you. The problem with this is that later on when you DO end up learning about them in a different light like in the way they associate with others-- that perfect perception that you've developed of them dies. You see the way they they act around others and you dn't see what you saw--what they chose to show you and then you get upset because basically, this person lied. Not lied as in your typical lie, but lie as in being dishonest in who they were. For instance, I saw this person from what little I knew as a kind hearted person who generally showed total concern for others. I only perceived this from the way that this person communicated with me.
That's the problem with me. Why can't I meet people the way normal people do and not like this? In a way that blocks me from seeing both sides of them, not giving them the power to chose what to show me.
And I may be right. But the way that I saw this person present themselves was what I have grown to dislike. This person's behavior overall was the exact same behavior as the one person in my life who has disappointed me the most.
So why waste my time, any of my time?
I already wasted a majority of it thinking and overthinking and making myself miserable.
But you know what?
The way that this person behaved from what I saw was the exact same behavior that led my mom to marry a man that let the way of the world influence the way that he acted. He had a sensitive side yes, but he let his friends and the world influence how he acted when deep inside he knew that what he was behaving like and talking like was wrong.
But whatever, I'm not here to judge. And I probably am giving of the impression of me being a judgmental person. But I'm not.
I feel it's a mask. A mask that most people put on to show the world so that the world accepts them.
In the situation I was in, I chose not to put on that mask. I knew that the way everyone was acting like was not me. Crudeness isn't my style at all so I did what I do best-- I kept my mouth shut. Was it right of me though?
Then the thought crept into my mind. I was probably sending off the message of me being anti social or shy or whatever. But you know what? I'm not either of those. Since I was little I've been social and outgoing. Little by little as I grew up and faced downsides of life-- my guard slowly went up and I've found that I'm only myself around people that bring out the best in me by their words, their actions. And what I witnessed that weekend was not that so I kept quiet. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm not going to engage in behavior that I know isn't pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. Being there and hearing what was being said made me feel so uncomfortable and so vulnerable--vulnerable in the way that I no longer felt the Spirit with me. I knew at that moment, when my heart sank, that I had to get out. Why did I waste so much time thinking that the situation would change when it didn't
I don't want to sound like I think I'm better than others, no. I've simply grown to realize on my own through my experiences that we don't realize that the way and manner that we speak can be offending, crude, and even unrighteous. The way that we speak with others and communicate to me is a window not only into getting to know their personality-- but for me it tells me, it makes me feel their spirituality. I don't even know if that makes sense. I've developed this tendency since I finally decided to rid myself of all the things that I knew were ultimately were going to destroy my spirit, where I am very sensitive to the Spirit. I get the biggest feelings when I know I'm in the wrong place, with the wrong people, with the wrong environment. The Spirit gets offended and doesn't want to stay with me and keep me safe. I don't really know how to describe it--that was my attempt. I've grown to feel the effect that certain people have on this sensitivity of my mine. And that weekend, I knew. This person was not who I thought they were solely based on the effect that this person's presence and speak had on my spirit. My spirit ran away from me because the environment that was created wasn't fit for it to dwell.
Even I do this sometimes. I engage in talk that I know is not right. But what I've grown to see is that we do this so that we don't appear to be weak to others. So that we fit in with the way that everyone else is behaving like. Lesson learned though, speak up and defend your right to be in an environment that fosters peace and the constant company of the Spirit. And that's what I'm working hard on. On cleaning my language up. My behavior.
I thought that coming here, the Lord's school, would protect me from this.
But even here, it's hard to find people that bring out the best in me.
What I've perceived and what I feel like is that most people here are two faced--spiritually.
They do what's right and follow what they know is true which is great, but act a different way around others in a manner that they know that they shouldn't.
Not everything is perfect though--and there will always be good and not so good everywhere you go.
But what do I know, these are just ramblings.
And I totally seem to be stuck up and self centered and prideful-- but I know I'm not so the opinion of others doesn't matter to me. Because I know who I am and who I'm not.
I'm grateful for this experience though because it has changed the way that I see myself. It has opened my eyes to the effect that language has on one.
Endorphin Highs
SO great, like seriously.
If I could, without overexertion, I'd run all day.
Every step is like I'm stepping over all the issues that unfortunately, life brings.
And with every mile run, the higher the high I feel; like I can do anything and have the greatest strength ever.
And with my totally amazing running playlist, even better.
That was the last time I cry over a guy, a friend, even my own frustrations with myself.
The LAST time.
Cause I'm not going to let depression control my life and most importantly, I'm not going to let others bring me to that state. And I accept the fact that not everyone is going to like be. Well, forget them. Cause I don't care about those that don't. Gotta be grateful for those that do and that despite all the mistakes I make and the foolish things I say sometimes and the way that I am overall--- they still love me.
And that is all I need to be happy.
Forget trying to force someone into my life or to waste my time just merely hoping that they come into my life and stay.
If I could, without overexertion, I'd run all day.
Every step is like I'm stepping over all the issues that unfortunately, life brings.
And with every mile run, the higher the high I feel; like I can do anything and have the greatest strength ever.
And with my totally amazing running playlist, even better.
That was the last time I cry over a guy, a friend, even my own frustrations with myself.
The LAST time.
Cause I'm not going to let depression control my life and most importantly, I'm not going to let others bring me to that state. And I accept the fact that not everyone is going to like be. Well, forget them. Cause I don't care about those that don't. Gotta be grateful for those that do and that despite all the mistakes I make and the foolish things I say sometimes and the way that I am overall--- they still love me.
And that is all I need to be happy.
Forget trying to force someone into my life or to waste my time just merely hoping that they come into my life and stay.
You're strong
"You're strong"
That's what I heard in my mind as I sat in class fighting against the bombardment of tears I could feel swelling within. My friend had walked in before class and with her, there's been issues between all three of us. Some misunderstanding or whatever it is-- thing is apparently she's mad at not only my other friend, but me as well. After I talked to her Sunday telling her how I felt, letting her know why I was the way I was that afternoon, she's angry at me? She walked into class, I said hey and asked her if she was upset with me.
"Don't talk to me, leave me alone."
Those words stabbed me so deep within that I felt so vulnerable and weak and rejected right there. I fought so hard against the tears that had started to swell up. I was in class so I had to especially not cause a scene, but I couldn't. Little by little everything was fogging up and I could feel the tears falling from my eyes. The constant thought, "Everyone you care about doesn't want you" came to mind. I thought back to all the friends I've loved and lost, my family members who reject me just for believing what I know in my heart to be true, my own dad who left me and everyone else behind, and now this-- someone who I love dearly, who I feel inspired by, who I feel so blessed to have met turns around and says these words to me. They may seem like nothing, this may seem like nothing. Just some stupid argument, but for me, it's so much more. It just shows me that people leave. People that you care about won't stick around forever or sometimes may not even want to. But right then and there as all this negativity was running through my head, that weak, faint, voice overpowered the negative. "You're strong." I repeated it enough times that I began to believe it; that I was strong enough to fight these tears and the need to feel hopeless and depressed with what was happening in my life. How everything was spiraling out of control. How everyone I grew to care about decided that I wasn't worth keeping and tossed me aside when I didn't do anything to them for them to be that way towards me. But you know what?
Why put in the effort to keep people in your life if they're not willing to stay on their own?
Cause by now, I've seriously had it. I've had it with trying to make people stay.
And I've especially had it with feeling like everything is my fault.
Men are stupid. The end.
Forever alone and I honestly don't care in the slightest. Every single one is the same.
Every single one. Seriously gotta stop believing every single freaking word that they think up and say to you because it's all a stupid lie and they just say what you want to hear and make false promises and get your hopes up and whatever. Then they leave when they find something better.
I seriously hate that so much. My dad left my mom because of that and I'm not going to let that happen to me and end up falling for a guy that is all words and no action.
Now I'm just being dramatic, but I have the total right to. I'm seriously getting so fed up with the male species I think I'll go back to Ecuador and become a freaking nun at my family's church. Or I'll just shave my hair off and pretend to be a guy so I can be a a monk in Tibet.
That thread of hope or whatever that was there just snapped. I'm just sitting here on the treadmill for like the past hour after my run and I just snapped. My head snapped. I'm seriously beyond...I don't even know. I just know that the thread that was there, hanging on false hope just ripped to a million little pieces. Out of the blue. My mind finally decided to click two and two together and it may be that I'm finally at the end of all this and my poor mind can finally breathe again.
Excuse me while I drink my troubles away while listening to sentimental spanish music.
And by drink I mean chug a huge bottle of water until I feel like puking.
Every single one. Seriously gotta stop believing every single freaking word that they think up and say to you because it's all a stupid lie and they just say what you want to hear and make false promises and get your hopes up and whatever. Then they leave when they find something better.
I seriously hate that so much. My dad left my mom because of that and I'm not going to let that happen to me and end up falling for a guy that is all words and no action.
Now I'm just being dramatic, but I have the total right to. I'm seriously getting so fed up with the male species I think I'll go back to Ecuador and become a freaking nun at my family's church. Or I'll just shave my hair off and pretend to be a guy so I can be a a monk in Tibet.
That thread of hope or whatever that was there just snapped. I'm just sitting here on the treadmill for like the past hour after my run and I just snapped. My head snapped. I'm seriously beyond...I don't even know. I just know that the thread that was there, hanging on false hope just ripped to a million little pieces. Out of the blue. My mind finally decided to click two and two together and it may be that I'm finally at the end of all this and my poor mind can finally breathe again.
Excuse me while I drink my troubles away while listening to sentimental spanish music.
And by drink I mean chug a huge bottle of water until I feel like puking.
I'm married to the music
This song just melts my heart and makes me wanna cry with happiness because it's just so beautiful and I absolutely love it.
And this one too! Especially when the chorus comes on, like wow.
I seriously love music-- so much. There's music for everything. For every mood, music to describe your situations, to describe you life. And music for me is the most powerful because it affects my mood. These songs above for example, like wow. I discovered them today and it's amazing what an amazing and powerful effect they play out on me. And singing to these songs is just so empowering because to me it feels that by singing these is like talking to the people that I so dearly want to be able to communicate these words with.
I've grown to really love and appreciate spanish music; the oldies as well as the modern stuff. The spanish language overall is just so beautiful- especially when in music.
My mom introduced this song to me one night. We sat on my bed and just listened to music from her time, music that apparently to her had sentimental ties to them. Like this one. I fell in love with it at that moment and set out to memorize the lyrics. So beautiful.
I'm not a big of mariachi music because it gets annoying sometimes, but he's one of my favorites.
Don't tell me this sing isn't the most truthful song ever? Romance these days has downgraded, like seriously. I'd die if I ever met a guy like this. These types of guys-- the ones that are all about the old fashioned conquering-winning over a girl's heart are my favorite. I definitely want to marry a guy like that-- all traditional and not fazed by the new concepts about love and relationships that the future has developed compared to old times. To me it seems that some guys these days are afraid to appear as the romantic sentimental types. Seriously, love that in a guy. Like, really.
Seriously, sometimes I think that technology has ruined the beauty of love. Love letters, now there's an idea.
Absolutely love this!
I hope they call me on a mission, when I have grown a foot or two...
So much thinking done today and so much left to think about still.
I read through my blessing and it's there. Reading those words just overcame me with this warm chill all over that was mind blowing and would have brought me to my knees if I hadn't been sitting. Like wow.
Of course, I haven't completely made up my mind yet, but it's pretty close. I seriously don't want this desire to be a phase or whatever. I don't wanna go if everyone else is going, like, no peer pressure. Ya know?
When I weigh the pros and cons there are definitely more pros than cons. There's nothing stopping me from going anyway. No guy, no health issues, no obstacles. I'm completely free to choose. I might not be going now like it seems all these girls I know who rushed to see their bishops and whatnot. I can definitely see myself serving a full time mission and my heart tells me to just do it. What will I lose if I go? Nothing
Rather than the announcement inspiring me to rush to get my papers done, my dilemma has been answered. . I've always had the thought of going on a mission in the back of my mind. The consideration was there, weak, but there. Today also answered my prayers. I've asked for something to do with my life, for something that would make me forget all I've been through, for something that would improve me as a person and boom, this happened. Going on a mission, simple.
I honestly have so much to offer others, so much inspiration and a willingness to help and lift.
"Forget yourself and get to work." These words were spoken by Gordon B. Hinckley's father in a letter to him when he felt beaten and discouraged on his mission and wanted to quit. Those words stick to me and have been in my mind all day. What better way to grow closer to the Lord than serving His children and bringing them unto Him.
Going on a mission will also prepare me to be a mother and a wife someday. It will prepare me in a greater way than I would never really know. What better way to do something great for my future family than serving a mission. It's a blessing for them. Giving them a mother who loves them so much that even before they even exist she wants to make herself into the greatest example in their lives that they will ever have. I want to be able to offer my children the opportunity to learn from my life and going on a mission fulfills just that. Imagine, two parents who have served a full time mission. What a great and blessed home that will be.
I'm tired of thinking about myself. I'm tire of worrying abut myself. I feel selfish. I want to be able to say that I did something great with my life. I want to be able to change lives more than everything. It gives me the greatest feeling knowing that my example has changed a life. Maybe that's what my blessing means when it says I would have a great effect on the lives of God's children. Not necessarily young children only, but everyone else too-- young and old.
I'm seriously excited what effect me going on a mission will have on me.
I see all these RMs and how they are. They're always so happy, helpful, and have an overall general concern for the well-being of others and I want that too. I don't have to wait. I always thought that turning 21 or being close to that age would help me in making up my mind to go, but now that I could start the process anytime I wish, it just answers that question.
There's this scripture I read today in Alma that talks about how when we are looking for answer, we have to observe how this possible decision plays in our hearts. If the Lord wants you to go through with it, He wil cause you to keep the thought in your mind, He won't make you forget it. He'll cause this burning in your heart. But if He has other plans, He'll cause you to forget and no such feeling will be there.
I felt that today, that rush of warmth and and chill. Not your typical chill, but a warm one that shook me. Kinda in a way when Alma was struck down by the Lord. But of course, I haven't been preaching blasphemy to be struck down like he was, but a good strike.
A strike that shook me and is telling me to go, to forget myself and "get to work."
Like when one of the speakers today said, when we got baptized, we joined God's army. And what better way to serve the Master than to fight against evil and bring the world His truth.
I'm excited to hear what the prophet has in store for us tomorrow morning.
He's just full of surprises this weekend, isn't he?
I read through my blessing and it's there. Reading those words just overcame me with this warm chill all over that was mind blowing and would have brought me to my knees if I hadn't been sitting. Like wow.
Of course, I haven't completely made up my mind yet, but it's pretty close. I seriously don't want this desire to be a phase or whatever. I don't wanna go if everyone else is going, like, no peer pressure. Ya know?
When I weigh the pros and cons there are definitely more pros than cons. There's nothing stopping me from going anyway. No guy, no health issues, no obstacles. I'm completely free to choose. I might not be going now like it seems all these girls I know who rushed to see their bishops and whatnot. I can definitely see myself serving a full time mission and my heart tells me to just do it. What will I lose if I go? Nothing
Rather than the announcement inspiring me to rush to get my papers done, my dilemma has been answered. . I've always had the thought of going on a mission in the back of my mind. The consideration was there, weak, but there. Today also answered my prayers. I've asked for something to do with my life, for something that would make me forget all I've been through, for something that would improve me as a person and boom, this happened. Going on a mission, simple.
I honestly have so much to offer others, so much inspiration and a willingness to help and lift.
"Forget yourself and get to work." These words were spoken by Gordon B. Hinckley's father in a letter to him when he felt beaten and discouraged on his mission and wanted to quit. Those words stick to me and have been in my mind all day. What better way to grow closer to the Lord than serving His children and bringing them unto Him.
Going on a mission will also prepare me to be a mother and a wife someday. It will prepare me in a greater way than I would never really know. What better way to do something great for my future family than serving a mission. It's a blessing for them. Giving them a mother who loves them so much that even before they even exist she wants to make herself into the greatest example in their lives that they will ever have. I want to be able to offer my children the opportunity to learn from my life and going on a mission fulfills just that. Imagine, two parents who have served a full time mission. What a great and blessed home that will be.
I'm tired of thinking about myself. I'm tire of worrying abut myself. I feel selfish. I want to be able to say that I did something great with my life. I want to be able to change lives more than everything. It gives me the greatest feeling knowing that my example has changed a life. Maybe that's what my blessing means when it says I would have a great effect on the lives of God's children. Not necessarily young children only, but everyone else too-- young and old.
I'm seriously excited what effect me going on a mission will have on me.
I see all these RMs and how they are. They're always so happy, helpful, and have an overall general concern for the well-being of others and I want that too. I don't have to wait. I always thought that turning 21 or being close to that age would help me in making up my mind to go, but now that I could start the process anytime I wish, it just answers that question.
There's this scripture I read today in Alma that talks about how when we are looking for answer, we have to observe how this possible decision plays in our hearts. If the Lord wants you to go through with it, He wil cause you to keep the thought in your mind, He won't make you forget it. He'll cause this burning in your heart. But if He has other plans, He'll cause you to forget and no such feeling will be there.
I felt that today, that rush of warmth and and chill. Not your typical chill, but a warm one that shook me. Kinda in a way when Alma was struck down by the Lord. But of course, I haven't been preaching blasphemy to be struck down like he was, but a good strike.
A strike that shook me and is telling me to go, to forget myself and "get to work."
Like when one of the speakers today said, when we got baptized, we joined God's army. And what better way to serve the Master than to fight against evil and bring the world His truth.
I'm excited to hear what the prophet has in store for us tomorrow morning.
He's just full of surprises this weekend, isn't he?
General Conference 2012
This time last year I was in Utah with Liz and Cainan getting ready to see general conference together. That was a great time as I remember it. I got to know Cainan so much better and to at that time as we soent that weekend together I really got to slowly fall in love with him, but that was a year ago. This is now. Although it's nice reminiscing on those times, remembering how he was the greatest reason that I was so immensely happy with life at the time. Now a year later, it's sad thinking about how fast time passes you. How a time where you love everything about life quickly can turn into the greatest emotional roller-coaster of your life in one single moment. When I went with Liz and Allie to watch him open his mission call just a couple weeks ago, I couldn't help but feel immensely overjoyed and excited and just so happy and proud. He's finally going to be doing what he has wanted for so long, to serve the Lord and to become greater in terms with himself and the Lord.
I just watched the first session of general conference and oh boy, my mind has been blown away. I've never felt so much during conference before, even when I was in Salt Lake even--nothing compared to what I felt this morning. I'm just so thankful for the living prophets and for their counsel. All those words of guidance and prophetic wise words-- I love it. The joy and happiness that the Gospel gives me is what helps me each day to have hope that life will grant me what I desire most in this world, it gives me the hope and determination to live each day without regret and to have faith that my trials and my sadness will one day be lifted from me.
When the prophet went up, he announced two pieces of grand revelation. First he announced the building of two new temples which is great, but then he just lit the biggest spark in my heart when he announced that the age for women to be able to serve missions is lowered from 21 to age 19. I'm 19. When he said that, I couldn't help but cry. Cry about my inner questioning about whether I want to serve a mission or not. It's not an obligation for women to serve missions since we're advised to be more in preparation for creating our families but I can't help but think about me serving a mission. I've told everyone whenever they asked me if I was ever going to serve a mission when I turned 21. I would shrug it off and say no. I was more focused on marriage and my eternal family, but now, after that, the thought of me going on a mission has taken over my mind up to the point that I'm strongly considering it. Going on a mission would help me forget myself, forget everything in my life and solely focus on bring others to Christ. At this point in life, I think that's exactly what I need in my life. I need that feeling of total concern for others and a desire to preach the word of the Lord to all those that will want to hear it. I believe that it will strengthen my testimony (of course) as well as help me heal myself emotionally. I will be able to stand firmer in my beliefs and I will be able to grow even closer to the Lord.
Of course, it's all up to the Lord and whether or not a mission is what He has in store for me.
Yeah, can I go home now? I've had enough of Rexburg, let's go back
I'm already fed up with this semester, can it be spring semester now?
SERIOUSLY, this is the most disappointing time ever-- I just wanna crawl under a rock and stay in there until everything seems like a distant memory. Until what's constantly clouding my mind no matter how hard I try to get rid it decides to let it go for real. I've tried so hard trying to get rid of everything involved with that point in time, everything, but nooooo, something always triggers everything back to mind. And then my heart hurts; like it's been stabbed repeatedly over and over and the tears of anger and frustration want to come out, but they don't. Because as I see it, it's not worth it feeling like this anymore. Better save my tears.
For the most part, I'm just extremely frustrated with myself.
It shouldn't take this much effort to forget.
It's getting ridiculous that I think so much about it, that it's even flooding my subconscious too, the one place that there are no issues. But no, I can't win. Never. OR my mind is just taking this so seriously it's trying to tell me even through my dreams that I seriously need to let this go before something drastic happens and I end up sick or whatever.
But whhhhhhhhhy, I'm so stupid.
Especially when it comes to things like this.
So unbelievably gullible and such a quick person to believe everything anyone tells me.
Yeah, that's gotta stop.
Let's take a nap, shall we? Even if it's not 9 yet. I rather be in a state of sleep than have to have my mind awake and frustrated. It's not like I have any plans later anyway--everyone is in Utah.
And I'm here--emotionally drowning with each passing day.
What an exciting life I lead, wooooooo!
SERIOUSLY, this is the most disappointing time ever-- I just wanna crawl under a rock and stay in there until everything seems like a distant memory. Until what's constantly clouding my mind no matter how hard I try to get rid it decides to let it go for real. I've tried so hard trying to get rid of everything involved with that point in time, everything, but nooooo, something always triggers everything back to mind. And then my heart hurts; like it's been stabbed repeatedly over and over and the tears of anger and frustration want to come out, but they don't. Because as I see it, it's not worth it feeling like this anymore. Better save my tears.
For the most part, I'm just extremely frustrated with myself.
It shouldn't take this much effort to forget.
It's getting ridiculous that I think so much about it, that it's even flooding my subconscious too, the one place that there are no issues. But no, I can't win. Never. OR my mind is just taking this so seriously it's trying to tell me even through my dreams that I seriously need to let this go before something drastic happens and I end up sick or whatever.
But whhhhhhhhhy, I'm so stupid.
Especially when it comes to things like this.
So unbelievably gullible and such a quick person to believe everything anyone tells me.
Yeah, that's gotta stop.
Let's take a nap, shall we? Even if it's not 9 yet. I rather be in a state of sleep than have to have my mind awake and frustrated. It's not like I have any plans later anyway--everyone is in Utah.
And I'm here--emotionally drowning with each passing day.
What an exciting life I lead, wooooooo!
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