I've been meaning to post this up for a while, but for a while I just shrugged it off. But I need to so that one day I can look back at this and ponder my behavior. Was it really right? Did I do wrong in keeping my mouth shut?
The funny thing about meeting people that you get to know over social media and through texting or whatever is that you gain this perception of them in your mind. In a way-- a perfect idea of them. You've only been exposed to what they chose to show to you. The problem with this is that later on when you DO end up learning about them in a different light like in the way they associate with others-- that perfect perception that you've developed of them dies. You see the way they they act around others and you dn't see what you saw--what they chose to show you and then you get upset because basically, this person lied. Not lied as in your typical lie, but lie as in being dishonest in who they were. For instance, I saw this person from what little I knew as a kind hearted person who generally showed total concern for others. I only perceived this from the way that this person communicated with me.
That's the problem with me. Why can't I meet people the way normal people do and not like this? In a way that blocks me from seeing both sides of them, not giving them the power to chose what to show me.
And I may be right. But the way that I saw this person present themselves was what I have grown to dislike. This person's behavior overall was the exact same behavior as the one person in my life who has disappointed me the most.
So why waste my time, any of my time?
I already wasted a majority of it thinking and overthinking and making myself miserable.
But you know what?
The way that this person behaved from what I saw was the exact same behavior that led my mom to marry a man that let the way of the world influence the way that he acted. He had a sensitive side yes, but he let his friends and the world influence how he acted when deep inside he knew that what he was behaving like and talking like was wrong.
But whatever, I'm not here to judge. And I probably am giving of the impression of me being a judgmental person. But I'm not.
I feel it's a mask. A mask that most people put on to show the world so that the world accepts them.
In the situation I was in, I chose not to put on that mask. I knew that the way everyone was acting like was not me. Crudeness isn't my style at all so I did what I do best-- I kept my mouth shut. Was it right of me though?
Then the thought crept into my mind. I was probably sending off the message of me being anti social or shy or whatever. But you know what? I'm not either of those. Since I was little I've been social and outgoing. Little by little as I grew up and faced downsides of life-- my guard slowly went up and I've found that I'm only myself around people that bring out the best in me by their words, their actions. And what I witnessed that weekend was not that so I kept quiet. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm not going to engage in behavior that I know isn't pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. Being there and hearing what was being said made me feel so uncomfortable and so vulnerable--vulnerable in the way that I no longer felt the Spirit with me. I knew at that moment, when my heart sank, that I had to get out. Why did I waste so much time thinking that the situation would change when it didn't
I don't want to sound like I think I'm better than others, no. I've simply grown to realize on my own through my experiences that we don't realize that the way and manner that we speak can be offending, crude, and even unrighteous. The way that we speak with others and communicate to me is a window not only into getting to know their personality-- but for me it tells me, it makes me feel their spirituality. I don't even know if that makes sense. I've developed this tendency since I finally decided to rid myself of all the things that I knew were ultimately were going to destroy my spirit, where I am very sensitive to the Spirit. I get the biggest feelings when I know I'm in the wrong place, with the wrong people, with the wrong environment. The Spirit gets offended and doesn't want to stay with me and keep me safe. I don't really know how to describe it--that was my attempt. I've grown to feel the effect that certain people have on this sensitivity of my mine. And that weekend, I knew. This person was not who I thought they were solely based on the effect that this person's presence and speak had on my spirit. My spirit ran away from me because the environment that was created wasn't fit for it to dwell.
Even I do this sometimes. I engage in talk that I know is not right. But what I've grown to see is that we do this so that we don't appear to be weak to others. So that we fit in with the way that everyone else is behaving like. Lesson learned though, speak up and defend your right to be in an environment that fosters peace and the constant company of the Spirit. And that's what I'm working hard on. On cleaning my language up. My behavior.
I thought that coming here, the Lord's school, would protect me from this.
But even here, it's hard to find people that bring out the best in me.
What I've perceived and what I feel like is that most people here are two faced--spiritually.
They do what's right and follow what they know is true which is great, but act a different way around others in a manner that they know that they shouldn't.
Not everything is perfect though--and there will always be good and not so good everywhere you go.
But what do I know, these are just ramblings.
And I totally seem to be stuck up and self centered and prideful-- but I know I'm not so the opinion of others doesn't matter to me. Because I know who I am and who I'm not.
I'm grateful for this experience though because it has changed the way that I see myself. It has opened my eyes to the effect that language has on one.
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