Today has been a blur it feels like, it has come and gone too fast. The weekend has come and gone too fast basically.
I finally got a calling today! And guess what it is...family history indexer! Like seriously, the Lord knows me so well. He knows that's it's my goal this semester to become more involved in family history. He knows that I desire to become closer with my kindred dead. He knows that I want this. He just knows me so well it's amazing.
So yesterday was the general relief society conference. I totally forgot since I spent all of yesterday working on my American Epidemic class and the readings. We're starting with basic inorganic chem. I remember it being so nice for me back in high school, but apparently I forgot everything I spent hours trying to memorize. While reading, I'm like, "what the heck have I gotten myself into?" because everything that I was reading and trying to understand was turning into mush in my head. But I got it, I devised a little study guide for each chapter, hehehehe. You shall be defeated wretched chemistry!
Anyway, conference. It was great! There was this speaker especially that just touched my heart so much that the tears trickled down like raindrops. She talked about how the Lord will listen to you no matter the issue. He loves you and finds you so precious. He has felt every pain for you and He's willing to help lift you up if you seek him out. When you pray, spill out your heart to Him. Spill out your every desire, your every pain, your every burden, your every feeling. He knows what you're going through so seek Him out when you feel like you can't take it anymore, when you feel so weak that the only thing you can do is fall to your knees and speak to Him. If you really think about it, the Lord is like my own personal shrink. Although He's not physically there, you can feel Him there next to you, lifting you up as you pour out your heart to Him. Prayer is wonderful, it really is. Every time I feel like praying isn't going to do anything, I think back to that one time where he told me to pray for help. Although we're practically strangers know it seems, that phrase, as insignificant and simple as it was at the moment really opened my eyes from that moment on. Yeah, why hadn't I thought of it before? Prayer, simple. From then on, I turn to prayer for my troubles and for my feelings of inadequacy. I guess there's a reason for everything right? Maybe people just come into your life to teach you and give you something to learn from and nothing more. That's life it seems. You may not like it and want them to stay, but if they did their job, what more can you do?
Oh maaan, fast Sundays make me so extremely hungry. Like all day, even after I eat after fasting.
Might as well go eat dinner. Then Liz so graciously is making me cookies. I sure do crave chocolate so it works out. Ahhhh, I sure do appreciate her and what she does for me.
I just don't know anymore, I really don't. I am trying so unbelievably hard to get rid of these depression attacks, but I'm slowly falling into them again. I don't understand, why am I so like this? I hate it. I'm so afraid to let loose and to open up like I know I'm capable of. I've been hurt by everyone that I just don't wanna try anymore. If someone comes into my life, I won't make the effort to try to get them to stay because if they really cared like they said they would, then they would stay. I just don't trust anyone anymore. One by one everyone is disappointing me and giving me a reason not to trust them. And I can't anymore, I just can't pretend like I don't notice and let it go. I know it's selfish, but I'm only caring about myself, about me and getting myself better after the biggest blow I've ever received. It still affects me sometimes. I'll be here, content, then my dad would creep into my mind and I'll just break down because what he did, that's the hardest I've ever gone through; feeling unwanted by my own dad. Because of him my whole perceptive on building and maintaining relationships has changed. It just comes to show that humans tend to abandon what they get bored of, even people-- and they just leave them there wondering why, what did I do?
That's why I am going to be alone forever. And I'm ok with that in a way because then I won't get hurt.
But then again, loneliness kills.
That's why I am going to be alone forever. And I'm ok with that in a way because then I won't get hurt.
But then again, loneliness kills.
Cuando cuente tres otra vez, vuelve a salir
Can I just say that I seriously love life right now? Yeah sure the whole guy thing was a total fail cause ultimately he just ignores me now and to be honest, I really don't care anymore. I'm not going to care anymore because all in all, I'm not going to go chasing after him or whatever to pay me attention. I mean, if he wants to then it's his choice. If he all of a sudden and for an unknown reason hates me, then kudos to you because that's your problem, not mine. And I'm just fed up, I got fed up waiting on him to iniciate all those plans we had and made for this semester. Well, now that that's over and done with, I feel pretty good and ultimately waaaaay more happier than before. Worrying and overthinking about guys is old. For now, I am strictly going to just focus on improving myself, more specifically being less of a proud person because that's what I've noticed in myself. Plus, also what I've been learning in marriage prep-- it's mindblowing. Like the whole concept on not focusing solely on the list of qualities you want in a spouse, but also making sure that you yourself have those qualities. When both of you have those qualities it makes for a happy relationship. That's what I'm going to be working on when I say improving myself. And frankly, being single and not focused on having feelings for a guy is so much easier for my mind and my own sanity.
Anyways, moving on. For my family history class, I am seriously so excited! Family history wise my mom has been in a limbo, but now, knowing that I can access information from all those ecuadorian churches that my ancestors have been baptized in, it's going to be easier. And I seriously have the greatest feeling that I am on the right path. I makes me feel so happy because my blessing talks about my involvement with family history and ultimately the relationships I'll build with those ancestors I do work for. I'm so looking forward for those moments where I find names and ultimately do work for my great great grandma whose name I'm going to be on the look out for.
My classes are great, they really are. Not too hard and not too easy either. I love them all.
This semester's going to be great, I can feel it. Buuuuuut spring semester, that's a whole other semester full of anticipated events. Like living with my friend Steph and enjoying a semester together with my brother before he goes on his mission.
Whoa there, slow down life.
Gee, thanks..I got it now
The Lord works in mysterious ways sometimes. He knows EXACTLY what's good for you and so He deprives you and makes sure you avoid what you THINK is good for you. That's how I see things, when things don't work out the way I want them to I just think that way; that He doesn't want me to take that path because it could mess up what He has planned. It's hard though, accepting that realization, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Put your big boy pants on and walk with your head held high, ready for whatever comes next.
Finally!
Fridays are dedicated to my chicas and we go out. Saturdays are spent trying to catch up with homework. That's what I've been doing all day, homework, but I finished right on time! Put away my laundry, made a yummy dinner, took a shower, and now in my jammies and blasting 80s music for everyone to hear, hahahahaha! Although Liz is away in Utah this weekend and I haven't gone out and seen the sun today, I'm content with right now. I love moments where it's just me and my music being blasted, seriously one of my favorite moments. I don't need to have my hair done or dressed, I can be all lazy and not have a care in the world like I do now.
For my american epidemic class we have to have goals each week and by the end of it we grade ourselves on how we did on accomplishing those goals. Tomorrow I accomplish my biggest goal that I set for myself this week which is to go to ward choir. And lucky me, we sing tomorrow too. Although I missed the first meeting last week because I had other plans, I can still come and practice since we're singing in sacrament meeting tomorrow. I'm seriously so excited! I love singing and thanks to my mom's encouragement and constant, "you have a great voice you should join ward choir!", I'm finally going to do it. It may not seem like such a big deal for anyone, but it defiantly is for me because of my feelings towards exhibiting myself. But hey, if you can sing and love it- share it with the world!
So all day as I've mentioned, I've been on my own. One of my roommates was away at the Tempke to Temple, my other roommate is home for the weekend, and Liz is in Utah so I've basically had this apartment all to myself today. Let me tell you, I loved it. It really felt like this was MY place, MY home.But then I made dinner, sat down, and wondered. Will this be me 5 years from now? In her own place, content with the world, no worry whatsoever clouding my mind, no noisy siblings, no constant nagging from your mom, no roommates? It seriously was great. That's the thing about me, I love spending time alone, with my music and thoughts to accompany me. Especially after a week full of school, it's great to just relax and be lazy, in sweats, at least 1 time a week.
Speaking of my science class, it's pretty crazy. Crazy in a good way of course. Every class makes me feel so happy and excited to learn because I love the subject. I love learning about fitness and health. But I especially love the videos she shows us about these individuals who despite limitations that their body is supposed to give them, surpass all the odds and show the world that anything is possible if you really set your mind to it and dedicate yourself to achieve what you desire. It's really so inspiring, especially to me and my own body limitations. Despite those though, I don't let them get to me and my love of fitness. I can lift weights, I can dance, hold a plank, do jump squats--anything I set my mind to. I push my body to do these things even though in the back of my mind the voice is going, "hahahaha, you're gonna fail."
Talking my mom, going to my classes, and just re-evaluating my priorities has truly made me happier than I have been in a while. The spirit here is truly amazing. I feel it at the moments where I really need it. With the year sort of coming to a close, I've really gone through a huge and dramatic year, haven't I? But despite everything and the disappointments-- I'm truly grateful for them. They have made me realize SO MUCH about myself and my capabilities of enduring pain, sadness, and abandonment. They have opened my eyes and have allowed me to see how strong of an individual I really am. When you feel sad or just fed up, count your blessings. Believe me, it helps. I seriously love the Gospel. It really makes me happy. Without it, to be honest, I'd probably be dead right now. So basically, joining the church has saved me.
Have I mentioned how I absolutely love this album!? I'm seriously in love. And singing along to this is like the biggest happy pill ever. Like right now, as I type this, I'm singing away to this song and I seriously feel so immensely whole and happy and just, AH! I love the way music can make me feel.
Music is amazing.
For my american epidemic class we have to have goals each week and by the end of it we grade ourselves on how we did on accomplishing those goals. Tomorrow I accomplish my biggest goal that I set for myself this week which is to go to ward choir. And lucky me, we sing tomorrow too. Although I missed the first meeting last week because I had other plans, I can still come and practice since we're singing in sacrament meeting tomorrow. I'm seriously so excited! I love singing and thanks to my mom's encouragement and constant, "you have a great voice you should join ward choir!", I'm finally going to do it. It may not seem like such a big deal for anyone, but it defiantly is for me because of my feelings towards exhibiting myself. But hey, if you can sing and love it- share it with the world!
So all day as I've mentioned, I've been on my own. One of my roommates was away at the Tempke to Temple, my other roommate is home for the weekend, and Liz is in Utah so I've basically had this apartment all to myself today. Let me tell you, I loved it. It really felt like this was MY place, MY home.But then I made dinner, sat down, and wondered. Will this be me 5 years from now? In her own place, content with the world, no worry whatsoever clouding my mind, no noisy siblings, no constant nagging from your mom, no roommates? It seriously was great. That's the thing about me, I love spending time alone, with my music and thoughts to accompany me. Especially after a week full of school, it's great to just relax and be lazy, in sweats, at least 1 time a week.
Speaking of my science class, it's pretty crazy. Crazy in a good way of course. Every class makes me feel so happy and excited to learn because I love the subject. I love learning about fitness and health. But I especially love the videos she shows us about these individuals who despite limitations that their body is supposed to give them, surpass all the odds and show the world that anything is possible if you really set your mind to it and dedicate yourself to achieve what you desire. It's really so inspiring, especially to me and my own body limitations. Despite those though, I don't let them get to me and my love of fitness. I can lift weights, I can dance, hold a plank, do jump squats--anything I set my mind to. I push my body to do these things even though in the back of my mind the voice is going, "hahahaha, you're gonna fail."
Talking my mom, going to my classes, and just re-evaluating my priorities has truly made me happier than I have been in a while. The spirit here is truly amazing. I feel it at the moments where I really need it. With the year sort of coming to a close, I've really gone through a huge and dramatic year, haven't I? But despite everything and the disappointments-- I'm truly grateful for them. They have made me realize SO MUCH about myself and my capabilities of enduring pain, sadness, and abandonment. They have opened my eyes and have allowed me to see how strong of an individual I really am. When you feel sad or just fed up, count your blessings. Believe me, it helps. I seriously love the Gospel. It really makes me happy. Without it, to be honest, I'd probably be dead right now. So basically, joining the church has saved me.
Music is amazing.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do with everyone
Especially with that one guy. I spent so much time sharing practically everything about myself, obsessing over how gorgeous his smile is, sharing my day to day happenings with him because he asked me and showed general interest in what I was doing, but then bam, it disappeared. Plans were made and whatnot, but nothing. And I can't help but feel used. Which is silly. But why put so much interest in me at first and go from talking like everyday to nothing? At first I was like "what if he thinks I'm annoying and has actually been talking to me this whole time because he feels sorry for me?". And now I'm just like, whaaaaat? I really don't know.
Why is it hard to communicate how we really feel to others? It just makes me mad. Mad at others because we have been programmed to be fearful of judgement of our own feelings and mad even at myself because I have the hardest time sharing how I feel. I keep my feelings locked up deep inside of me and only bring them out when I'm by myself, like now. I even have a hard time sharing my feelings with my mom. I don't know, I guess it's just that I'm scared that no one understands how I feel. I feel as if no one knows or even has even the slightest clue of what I feel and go through. I fear judgement. With each disappointment in my life, even the smallest one, I just lose trust in others. I lose trust in sharing with others my feelings. Every time I do end up opening up, I get nothing in return and I just end up with empty hands. It was foolish of me to get my hopes of though. I set myself up for it, all by myself. Oh well, you know what they say; if someone is supposed to stay in your life, they will be in it no matter what. You don't have to work for it or impress them. They just will be and both of you will be drawn together like two forces. I guess I just opened up too much and ended up boring him or something until he got fed up with me. Everyone told me so too, don't expect anything in return. Don't get your hopes up. But being the rebellious person I am (wink wink), I ignore everyone's advice and went off on my own. And look to where that got me. But it's super confusing when one person tells you, "don't force anything with a guy because he'll think you're needy or whatever" and another tells you, "show interest, don't let him do all the work". Which side do you take? Can I just quit having feelings for guys for now. It seriously is the most time consuming thing ever. And why do I over-analyze everything? Gaaaah, it's totally my fault. I did this. I set myself up for feeling this way about someone who doesn't see you in that way at all.
I need to distract myself. I need to figure out what I'm doing with myself.
I need to stop setting myself up for times like these where I feel confused. I'm so serious though, I have never felt so confused in my life than I am now trying to figure this out, but you know what? If all this is supposed to be figured out, it will get figured out on its own. My poor brain has had enough trying to piece things together, seriously.
Ow, my calves hurt
I never really realized how far away I really live until my calves started to burn. From my classes, it turns out it's like a 20-25 minute walk. But oh well, I like the walking. Especially if I have great music to listen to on the way. Where I'm living now, it's nice. The only but is what everything will be like when it starts to get snowy and windy and slippery and super cold. We'll see what it's like. If I get fed up with the distance it is from my classes (mostly the clark) then I might move closer, to like the other side of campus again. I visited Snowview yesterday to have lunch with a friend and it's so nice. The location, the look of it. We'll see though.
It's week two and I still don't know how I feel being back. At times I feel lost and homeless despite me having a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, and a great and spectacular roommate. I feel like I'm some kind of vagabond; moving from place to place and never having a set place to be at. It's also weird getting back into the "school mood" mindset. It's just a matter of time I guess.
My classes are great for the most part, can't complain. Most of them are easy, just busy work for the most part. Like in my child development class we have to do service at the daycare for a total of 4 hours and to top that write a paper of it. Plus a bunch of other things. My science class, wow. I love it for the most part. It might change though when we get to the science parts, but overall I love how it's a focus on health. From that one assignment we did I got to really evaluate myself and accept the fact that despite me working out everyday and eating right, I really need to get my emotional health in check. So this semester, in order to improve that area of my health I am going to be doing something scary, join ward choir. I love singing, but I'm ify about how others will react to my voice. My family says I have a good voice and my one of my exes too, but that's different compared to a complete bunch of strangers. The perk though is I hear that our ward choir is filled with guys. Gotta suck it up and do what I'm afraid of. Gotta get up and show everyone what I can do while at the same time doing something that brings me happiness and joy. I got a lipid test to do today. Been fasting for 12 hours and ehh, I can go forever without eating. I'm just kinda paranoid it might come out wrong or whatever.
Time for science I guess.
It's so weird that it's in the music building.
It's week two and I still don't know how I feel being back. At times I feel lost and homeless despite me having a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, and a great and spectacular roommate. I feel like I'm some kind of vagabond; moving from place to place and never having a set place to be at. It's also weird getting back into the "school mood" mindset. It's just a matter of time I guess.
My classes are great for the most part, can't complain. Most of them are easy, just busy work for the most part. Like in my child development class we have to do service at the daycare for a total of 4 hours and to top that write a paper of it. Plus a bunch of other things. My science class, wow. I love it for the most part. It might change though when we get to the science parts, but overall I love how it's a focus on health. From that one assignment we did I got to really evaluate myself and accept the fact that despite me working out everyday and eating right, I really need to get my emotional health in check. So this semester, in order to improve that area of my health I am going to be doing something scary, join ward choir. I love singing, but I'm ify about how others will react to my voice. My family says I have a good voice and my one of my exes too, but that's different compared to a complete bunch of strangers. The perk though is I hear that our ward choir is filled with guys. Gotta suck it up and do what I'm afraid of. Gotta get up and show everyone what I can do while at the same time doing something that brings me happiness and joy. I got a lipid test to do today. Been fasting for 12 hours and ehh, I can go forever without eating. I'm just kinda paranoid it might come out wrong or whatever.
Time for science I guess.
It's so weird that it's in the music building.
Sharing is caring
So I just finished my intro to family history homework and I love it. The spirit was so strong while I wrote, amazing experience.
We had to write out our testimonies or our view on life and it was so wonderful and spiritual and ahhh, I love it.
So I thought I'd share. I want to share with whoever reads this the true and amazingness of the Gospel and how it can help you even at your most weakest points. I am on such a spiritual high right now. I love it!
We had to write out our testimonies or our view on life and it was so wonderful and spiritual and ahhh, I love it.
So I thought I'd share. I want to share with whoever reads this the true and amazingness of the Gospel and how it can help you even at your most weakest points. I am on such a spiritual high right now. I love it!
My family, all generations since the beginning of time have been born and raised in Ecuador where the main religion that everyone practices is Catholicism. The funny thing was that a majority of those that claimed to be Catholic didn't even attend. Growing up and attending those few times to services from what I remember was strange. Church was supposed to feel spiritual, right? I only felt nothing. It was like attending any social gathering, there was nothing special about it. Then my parents decided it would be better for us, my brother and me, if they went to the United States and tried to build up a better life for us. So they went and started to work. My dad in landscaping and my mom started a small cleaning business of her own cleaning other people's houses. My brother and I were left in the care of my dad's parents while they were away. That is where I remember some of the hardest years being at. My brother and I suffered a lot with them. Finally we were brought to the US to live with our parents and I truly thought life would changed and it did solely through my mom's decision to open the door to some tall strangers that were getting soaked in the rain. I've been a member of the church for about 9 years now. At first when I was baptized at age 10, I didn't know what I was getting into. I felt like I was just being dragged along by my mom's own decision to join the church. For years I tried really hard to gain a testimony of my own and it wasn't much time until I experienced the hardest trial of my life that to this day seems like the hardest burden to bear sometimes. I don't exactly remember at what point it happened. All I remember was waking up one day and not being able to move my arm like the other one. As time progressed I got weaker and weaker on the left side of my body. My left hand was always tense and tight. It wouldn't stretch out like the other hand. My left foot got weak as well. I started limping and unable at times to walk without tripping over my own feet. My mom noticed and took me to the doctor. That is where everything changed, where my testimony, the testimony I was looking for, appeared. That point of my life was where I suffered with the constant question of "Why me?" We went from doctor to doctor finding an explanation for this strange occurrence that sprang up out of the blue. We traveled all over New York trying to find the right answer. I had CT scans and MRI scans of my brain performed and we took them to neurologists to hear what they saw in the scans and their opinions, but most doctors said the same, that what I was experiencing was from a possible tumor in my brain. In the scans they saw a strange colored area and that's what they thought, that it was a tumor. I remember sitting outside the office door listening to the doctor speak with my parents and hearing the doctor say that I could remain paralyzed for the rest of my life in the event that they took out the tumor. I was scared, so scared. All my hopes and dreams for the future seemed to fly out the window as I heard those words. We went to another doctor for a last opinion and found out there was no tumor at all, but rather a blood vessel rupture from an injury I received when I was little that caught up with me years later. I think about it and think to myself, something must have happened to me when I was living with my grandparents. They were really abusive after all so something they did to me could have triggered that rupture, which I'm sure about. Immediately after finding out the correct diagnosis I was sent everywhere. Physical therapy, occupational therapy, surgeons to see if they could do anything to possibly correct my hand weakness. I went from doctor to doctor and I felt exhausted and fed up. I just wanted to be like everyone else, being able to be normal for once. I saw myself different from others and felt like some sort of mutant. I felt distant from everyone and drew myself away from everyone for this reason. I went through school constantly feeling like this. I went from being a loud, super outgoing, talkative person to someone who was very cautious and unable to trust anyone. Did they know what was going on with me? Did they know? Do they think I'm a freak? Fear of rejection because of my problem turned me anti-social and shy. I had to wear a foot brace on my leg to help me set my heel straight when I walked, and I still do to this day. I felt like an outcast everyday and wished this wasn't happening to me. What did I do to receive this? It wasn't until I was in my mid teen years that I slowly began to understand that the Lord didn't just give me this trail to make my life hard, but to chasten me. In my blessing it says that I was one of His most valiant soldiers. At church I've always heard the saying that the Lord gives the hardest battles to His strongest soldiers. That was how I chose to see this trial I was going through. If the Lord gave me this, I'm able and strong enough to get through it. Going through this for almost all my life has truly been a blessing in disguise. I find myself being able to see the true spirit of others when I associate with them. I don't see just the physical and their appearance. Through getting to know them, I see their true inner beauty and the sweetness of their spirit. I can see how special they are to the Lord, I can feel it. Through getting over my own physical limitations and accepting myself the way I am, I have come to better appreciate inner beauty and to judge others on their character rather than by what they look like. Family life was hard too. My dad hated that we went to Church. He wanted us to remain Catholic with him. It angered him that we couldn't go out on Sundays with him, that my mom changed her attitude about his problems with tobacco and alcohol, and that we believed things that he saw as outrageous. We tried to get him to understand what being Mormon was about, but he refused to accept what the missionaries taught him. His heart grew cold and bitter and he went off on his own doing whatever he wanted. He got drunk on weekends, got mad at everything, and came up with the cruelest things to say to my mom, blaming her and saying that her new church was destroying the family. Everything bad that happened around the house, he seemed to put blame on the church. I felt alone. My parents were constantly fighting and I hated it. I wanted that family that I always saw at church; happy and loving. I wanted my dad to have the priesthood and able to give me blessings. I wanted to see my dad dressed in a suit blessing the sacrament or standing up and giving a talk. I wanted to hear his testimony of the church, but most of all I wanted to be able to go to the temple with my family and be sealed together for all eternity. I always had a hopeful heart that my dad would change and accept the truthfulness of the Gospel, but he never did. As time passed on and my dad went farther and farther away from us, the family I had was breaking apart. Then my dad just left. He found someone else and decided to what seemed to me discard of us like we were yesterday's news. I felt completely unwanted and unloved by the man that was supposed to be one of my best friends. The man that I would look to when looking for my own husband one day, but that man didn't exist. I had my mom of course, she had enough love for me and my siblings that my dad was never able to provide, but that wasn't the same as a father's love. Sometimes trials are given to us that we feel we can't handle, but we must remember that the Lord knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows we can do it. I have learned that I shouldn't let my condition keep me from enjoying life. If I'm judged by others because of me being the way I am, then they aren't supposed to be part of my life if they can't accept me the way I am and love me for me. Working out became my proof that I can do things like others despite my condition. I taught myself to run despite my leg weakness, how to dance and move around, and to lift weights; not heavy ones, but enough to makes my arms stronger. Working out has given me the opportunity to strengthen those weak areas as well as give me that confidence I had lost, but most importantly, the Lord has given me the most strength, strength that not even the most intense workout can give you. He has been there for me always and I've sometimes never realized it. He has been there for me to reassure me that everything is going to be alright. He has blessed me with amazing friends and the most amazing mother. She is the greatest example in my life and my best friend. All her sacrifices for me and my siblings are very inspiring and also give me the strength I need during hard times. Every experience in my life, both good and bad has made me into the strong woman I am today. I may have my moments of weakness, but I bring myself up again. Despite not having the family I always dreamed of now with my siblings and mom, I know in my heart that I will get that someday. I look forward to the day when I meet my eternal companion accepts me the way I am and loves me for me. I look forward to the day when I get married, sealed to each other and our future children. I can't wait to become a mother and raise my kids in the home I never had; in a home centered on the teachings of Christ, but most of all I can't wait till the day I get to see my Heavenly Father face to face and being able to thank him for everything he has ever done for me and for giving me these experiences that have made my testimony grow. I can't wait till the day when he embraces me and tells me that I did it, that I passed the test by enduring till the end. "Well done thy good and faithful servant. Enter ye into My rest"
All you need is love
SO TRUE! Because really, that's all you need.
I've been feelings so much better and happier lately. I love my classes this semester; especially my intro to family history class. It looks like loads of fun and I really feel like my life will change somewhat from all the things I learn there. So many plans already for that class too. I'm already planning out what I'm doing my projects on and it really excites me. In my blessing it talks about my involvement with family history and the special relationship I will build with those I do work for. I think this is it; with me taking this class.
But seriously, I love my classes.
Tonight I made my mom's potato apple salad and combined it with my spicy creole pasta; AND HOLY CRAP I CAN COOK YUMMY THINGS. I was so unbelievably proud of myself I gave myself a pat on the back. I can't wait to experiment with more dishes and share my creations with others. Like, I gave Liz some spicy creole pasta for dinner since she got home late from one of her classes and she really liked it. If I can keep creating yummy food, I think cooking is going to turn into one of my favorite things to do. It just makes my day seeing someone else smile after tasting my food. It makes me feel so useful and happy.
The first time I made something and was comfortable enough to share it was when I was back home. I made a quick chicken broth with veggies and oregano and a bit of black pepper. My mom enjoyed it and surprisingly so did Adrian. My mom was like, "the reason this tastes so good is because you put so much love in making it." And that's true. Even if I make a dish for myself, I give it my all; my "love" per say.
At this point, I am going to focus so much on bringing myself to the point where I was before, where I was so happy with life. I feel like I will finally get there this semester. I will dive into my classes which are full of my favorite topics; children, marriage, family, fitness, and preparing to raise a family. Doing things I love will definitely get me there. That's what I love about school. You will truly enjoy it when you are learning about things that you really love.
At this point in the whole guy department, I'm not really going to give it much thought. I will not be chasing after anyone this semester. If by any chance I do happen to interest someone, then we'll see. I totally realize now how much of my time I've spent preoccupied with thoughts about dating, relationships, and all that jazz. I love romance, don't get me wrong, but for once I just want my next relationship whenever in the near future that may be, to happen on it's own without me having to put so much effort in getting a guy to be interested. If you guys are destined to be together, it will happen without you having to throw yourself out there. Because that's the way I am and of course anyone can disagree and say "but the girl shouldn't let the guy do all the work". Like I've mentioned somewhere before, I'm a traditional person when it comes to romance; my guy will have to work for it. Whoever that guy may be, who knows.
Communication is always the key to anything and I've slowly been learning that. That's one huge lesson my past relationship with my ex taught me; that you're not going to go anywhere if you don't share with the other person how you feel, what your concerns are, what you want. No one's a mind reader and can assume that the other person knows what you want. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. I just wish though that some people were more like this with me and let me know what they want. It feels like some, sometimes my own friends, assume that I know what they want when I don't. If by some rare miracle I might know, I might be waiting for that person to say something first to see if they can. If you're strong and confident enough to be totally honest and upfront with me, I will truly admire you. Sometimes, you can't win them all right?
I feel really blessed today. I spent much needed time with Luna today and boy, I love that girl. I feel her love for me every time. Not just from her, but also from people I am really close with. Knowing that they love me, imperfections and all, really makes me grateful and blessed by the Lord that I have amazing people in my life.
Noooow, time for bed. Early gym sesh AND a timed run in science class. I got this though; I ran 2 miles with no breaks today. That's something I'm really proud of. I interval trained myself to get totally used to running and it's been a success. When I began running again last semester I did that, interval trained and ran 5 minutes, walked 5, and so on. It took me a long time, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. The more I run, the farther I'll be able to go if I'm faithful to my running. It's not how fast you run or how well you can keep up with others, but how you feel. I go slow when I run, so what. I still get a great run in, the pace shouldn't matter.
Lately I've really enjoyed Matchbox Twenty and their new stuff.
So good.
I've been feelings so much better and happier lately. I love my classes this semester; especially my intro to family history class. It looks like loads of fun and I really feel like my life will change somewhat from all the things I learn there. So many plans already for that class too. I'm already planning out what I'm doing my projects on and it really excites me. In my blessing it talks about my involvement with family history and the special relationship I will build with those I do work for. I think this is it; with me taking this class.
But seriously, I love my classes.
Tonight I made my mom's potato apple salad and combined it with my spicy creole pasta; AND HOLY CRAP I CAN COOK YUMMY THINGS. I was so unbelievably proud of myself I gave myself a pat on the back. I can't wait to experiment with more dishes and share my creations with others. Like, I gave Liz some spicy creole pasta for dinner since she got home late from one of her classes and she really liked it. If I can keep creating yummy food, I think cooking is going to turn into one of my favorite things to do. It just makes my day seeing someone else smile after tasting my food. It makes me feel so useful and happy.
The first time I made something and was comfortable enough to share it was when I was back home. I made a quick chicken broth with veggies and oregano and a bit of black pepper. My mom enjoyed it and surprisingly so did Adrian. My mom was like, "the reason this tastes so good is because you put so much love in making it." And that's true. Even if I make a dish for myself, I give it my all; my "love" per say.
At this point, I am going to focus so much on bringing myself to the point where I was before, where I was so happy with life. I feel like I will finally get there this semester. I will dive into my classes which are full of my favorite topics; children, marriage, family, fitness, and preparing to raise a family. Doing things I love will definitely get me there. That's what I love about school. You will truly enjoy it when you are learning about things that you really love.
At this point in the whole guy department, I'm not really going to give it much thought. I will not be chasing after anyone this semester. If by any chance I do happen to interest someone, then we'll see. I totally realize now how much of my time I've spent preoccupied with thoughts about dating, relationships, and all that jazz. I love romance, don't get me wrong, but for once I just want my next relationship whenever in the near future that may be, to happen on it's own without me having to put so much effort in getting a guy to be interested. If you guys are destined to be together, it will happen without you having to throw yourself out there. Because that's the way I am and of course anyone can disagree and say "but the girl shouldn't let the guy do all the work". Like I've mentioned somewhere before, I'm a traditional person when it comes to romance; my guy will have to work for it. Whoever that guy may be, who knows.
Communication is always the key to anything and I've slowly been learning that. That's one huge lesson my past relationship with my ex taught me; that you're not going to go anywhere if you don't share with the other person how you feel, what your concerns are, what you want. No one's a mind reader and can assume that the other person knows what you want. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. I just wish though that some people were more like this with me and let me know what they want. It feels like some, sometimes my own friends, assume that I know what they want when I don't. If by some rare miracle I might know, I might be waiting for that person to say something first to see if they can. If you're strong and confident enough to be totally honest and upfront with me, I will truly admire you. Sometimes, you can't win them all right?
I feel really blessed today. I spent much needed time with Luna today and boy, I love that girl. I feel her love for me every time. Not just from her, but also from people I am really close with. Knowing that they love me, imperfections and all, really makes me grateful and blessed by the Lord that I have amazing people in my life.
Noooow, time for bed. Early gym sesh AND a timed run in science class. I got this though; I ran 2 miles with no breaks today. That's something I'm really proud of. I interval trained myself to get totally used to running and it's been a success. When I began running again last semester I did that, interval trained and ran 5 minutes, walked 5, and so on. It took me a long time, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. The more I run, the farther I'll be able to go if I'm faithful to my running. It's not how fast you run or how well you can keep up with others, but how you feel. I go slow when I run, so what. I still get a great run in, the pace shouldn't matter.
So good.
Everyone's entitled to one, right?
And by "one" I mean those moments where you feel like utter crap and want to cry and don't feel good enough and have no idea where you're going or doing with your life. But this time it just randomly came up and appeared; no invitation.
After a long teary conversation with my mom, I have nothing to be sad about. I have no reason to feel this way. At all.
The past is in the past. I can't change it. It has made me stronger and into who I am. I wouldn't change it because everything that I've been through; every disappointment and every betrayal has brought me to this moment. To right now.
I'm supposed to be here, right now. There's a reason.
But sometimes though, I have my moment of weakness. Like now.
Where I feel like I can't trust anyone. Where I feel taken advantage of. Where I feel used. Where I feel cheated. Where I feel like I'm getting nothing in return. Where I ask myself, "when is it my turn to be happy too?" Like everyone else. Because that's how I feel; like I'm missing something. I just can't put my finger on it.
To be totally honest, I'm not happy. I may show it on the outside, but really, I have so many things in my life that have affected me so much that they're crushing me. Every worry, every concern, everything; it's always on my mind. No matter how much I try to really smile and be happy with life, those things creep up on me. It's their goal to make me miserable. BUT like I've mentioned before, I'm going to fight this. I'm going to win. And I will be happy again. Like I used to.
Just trying to take each day one step at a time until I get to that point.
I hope my gut feeling is right and something wonderful comes out of this semester.
After a long teary conversation with my mom, I have nothing to be sad about. I have no reason to feel this way. At all.
The past is in the past. I can't change it. It has made me stronger and into who I am. I wouldn't change it because everything that I've been through; every disappointment and every betrayal has brought me to this moment. To right now.
I'm supposed to be here, right now. There's a reason.
But sometimes though, I have my moment of weakness. Like now.
Where I feel like I can't trust anyone. Where I feel taken advantage of. Where I feel used. Where I feel cheated. Where I feel like I'm getting nothing in return. Where I ask myself, "when is it my turn to be happy too?" Like everyone else. Because that's how I feel; like I'm missing something. I just can't put my finger on it.
To be totally honest, I'm not happy. I may show it on the outside, but really, I have so many things in my life that have affected me so much that they're crushing me. Every worry, every concern, everything; it's always on my mind. No matter how much I try to really smile and be happy with life, those things creep up on me. It's their goal to make me miserable. BUT like I've mentioned before, I'm going to fight this. I'm going to win. And I will be happy again. Like I used to.
Just trying to take each day one step at a time until I get to that point.
I hope my gut feeling is right and something wonderful comes out of this semester.
Aw man, I'm here
After like 21653274 hours in the car- we made it to Rexburg!
After another 317352 hours, I finished unpacking everything. My zebra print sheets fit, I organized my clothes, and I created a little nightstand using my plastic bins. Only downside was that one of my drawers decided to be retarded and broke off.
Now I'm all done and it's 2 in the morning; I should go to bed. But I don't want tooooo!
We went to Luna's tonight. Bless her little heart--she made us pizza and kool-aid.
And she lent me her book about not falling in love with jerks. Cause I need it, hahaha. I mean, I'm tired of getting my heart broken. I'm taking this reading seriously. With the dating scene, it's serious this time. I'm putting my game face on. But then again another part of me wants to forget dating this semester. Guys are distracting. Depending on the guy, he can infiltrate your mind. He's always crossing it. And you forget yourself and get lost in the emotion. On one side, I love that feeling of getting flustered by a guy and another side, it's ehhhh. Ehhh as in, in the event something happens, will you be able not to screw up this time? The thing with this one though is that I really have no reason to feel the way I feel about him. We haven't hung out or really talked much to justify it. It kinda just decided to plant itself there leaving me to wonder if it's worth it. I really don't want to waste time feeling a way for someone that might not even feel the same. And I mean, why would he. He barely knows me and vice versa. Ok, maybe not barely, but you get the point. I'm just going to try not to think about it and really enjoy this semester.
Whatever happens, it will happen, and I will put my brave face on and deal with it. If something is supposed to happen, it will happen. It will just unexpectantly come. Sooooo, enough with overthinking.
On a brighter note, (re)exploring Rexburg later today.
Annnnnd, I'm going to bed.
Goodnight.
After another 317352 hours, I finished unpacking everything. My zebra print sheets fit, I organized my clothes, and I created a little nightstand using my plastic bins. Only downside was that one of my drawers decided to be retarded and broke off.
Now I'm all done and it's 2 in the morning; I should go to bed. But I don't want tooooo!
We went to Luna's tonight. Bless her little heart--she made us pizza and kool-aid.
And she lent me her book about not falling in love with jerks. Cause I need it, hahaha. I mean, I'm tired of getting my heart broken. I'm taking this reading seriously. With the dating scene, it's serious this time. I'm putting my game face on. But then again another part of me wants to forget dating this semester. Guys are distracting. Depending on the guy, he can infiltrate your mind. He's always crossing it. And you forget yourself and get lost in the emotion. On one side, I love that feeling of getting flustered by a guy and another side, it's ehhhh. Ehhh as in, in the event something happens, will you be able not to screw up this time? The thing with this one though is that I really have no reason to feel the way I feel about him. We haven't hung out or really talked much to justify it. It kinda just decided to plant itself there leaving me to wonder if it's worth it. I really don't want to waste time feeling a way for someone that might not even feel the same. And I mean, why would he. He barely knows me and vice versa. Ok, maybe not barely, but you get the point. I'm just going to try not to think about it and really enjoy this semester.
Whatever happens, it will happen, and I will put my brave face on and deal with it. If something is supposed to happen, it will happen. It will just unexpectantly come. Sooooo, enough with overthinking.
On a brighter note, (re)exploring Rexburg later today.
Annnnnd, I'm going to bed.
Goodnight.
50 Shades of Me
There's nothing else to do so might as well.
50 Shades of Me.
- 1. What is your best friends name? Tiffany
- 2. What color underwear/boxers wearing now? black
- 3. What are you listening to right now? Love of My Life- Queen
- 4. Whats your favorite number? 11
- 5. What was the last thing you ate? bacon
- 6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? blue
- 7. How is the weather right now? sunny
- 8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my mom
- 9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? smile
- 10. Do you have a significant other? nope
- 11. Favorite TV show? don't have one
- 12. Siblings? Adrian and Stephanie
- 13. Height? 5'3
- 14. Hair color? brown
- 15. Eye Color? brown
- 16. Do you wear contacts? no
- 17. Favorite Holiday? Christmas
- 18. Month? September
- 19. Have you ever cried for no reason? all the time
- 20. What was the last movie you watched? Footloose
- 21. Favorite Day of the Year? my birthday
- 22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? meh
- 23. Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)? ahahahahaha, noooooo
- 24. Hugs or Kisses? can I have both?
- 25. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate
- 26. Do you want your friends to respond to this? Eh...
- 27. Who is most likely to respond to a text from you? everyone
- 28. Who is least likely to respond to a text from you? people not on my contacts
- 29. What books are you reading? none
- 30. Piercings? ears
- 31. Favorite movies? The breakfast club; basically everything by john hughes
- 32. Favorite football Team? no thanks
- 33. What are you doing right now? typing this and listening to music
- 34. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn? salted
- 37. Dogs or cats? cats
- 38. Favorite flower? rose
- 39. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do? yeees
- 40. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex? yup
- 41. Have you ever loved someone? yeah
- 42. Who would you like to see right now? lot of people
- 43. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten? HAHA, no
- 44. Have you ever fired a gun? no
- 45. Do you like to travel by plane? sometimes
- 46. Right-handed or Left-handed? right
- 47. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3
- 48. Are you missing someone? yup
- 49. Do you have a tattoo? nope
- 50. Anybody that you'd go on a date with? of course :)
Life after you
Another state to cross off my list of places I've been to; California!
On the way to the airport from home, nice and chill until it was time to get out and drag all my things to the terminal. I found Liz! That was fun. It's really great being with her again, I really missed the laughs we have and how she always makes me laugh.
I seriously don't know what's going on. I already miss home and it hasn't been 24 hrs yet since I saw my mom. The thing is, I feel so sad for her. She's alone now, without me. She even told me how I bring the laughter and happiness every time I'm home. Like last night, we had a last cuddle session and ended up talking till like 4 in the morning. It was really nice, minus the part where I started crying. I really hate that. He really makes me cry. Just thinking about how he's over there doing who knows what; probably getting drunk and stuffing his face. What keeps me awake at night is the thought that I mean nothing to him at all, that he dropped me like that. How is that even possible? Doesn't he have the least bit of heart? Isn't his conscience killing him right now? How is a human being capable of such evilness, of so much lack of compassion? It really makes me so sad that the one man in my life that was always supposed to be there, isn't. He instead chose some strangers over us.
If you really think about, Satan did this. Years back Pres. Hinckley talked about how this time would be when Satan would most attack families and do whatever to tear them apart. Our family wasn't perfect or happy per say, but it was enough to keep me content. There were the occasional fights and disagreements like all families have. He even didn't make a big fuss about us being in the Church. Then that stupid lie appeared and he changed dramatically. He started to blame everything on the Church and eventually it became unbearable living with him. I saw how very slowly hate started to consume him and how in away he let himself be controlled by Satan. Then that other lady appeared and things got from bad to worse. And at the end of it all, Satan won.
Whoever reads this, whoever you may be; I cannot stress enough how you should hold and appreciate your family. You are blessed to have the family you have, putting aside all the things they do to drive you crazy. You're lucky to have them. Do everything to keep your home at peace, do everything to keep the Spirit in your home. Don't let contention in your home, don't let the adversary win.
Through my example it says that my dad will change through my example, but how?
On the way to the airport from home, nice and chill until it was time to get out and drag all my things to the terminal. I found Liz! That was fun. It's really great being with her again, I really missed the laughs we have and how she always makes me laugh.
I seriously don't know what's going on. I already miss home and it hasn't been 24 hrs yet since I saw my mom. The thing is, I feel so sad for her. She's alone now, without me. She even told me how I bring the laughter and happiness every time I'm home. Like last night, we had a last cuddle session and ended up talking till like 4 in the morning. It was really nice, minus the part where I started crying. I really hate that. He really makes me cry. Just thinking about how he's over there doing who knows what; probably getting drunk and stuffing his face. What keeps me awake at night is the thought that I mean nothing to him at all, that he dropped me like that. How is that even possible? Doesn't he have the least bit of heart? Isn't his conscience killing him right now? How is a human being capable of such evilness, of so much lack of compassion? It really makes me so sad that the one man in my life that was always supposed to be there, isn't. He instead chose some strangers over us.
If you really think about, Satan did this. Years back Pres. Hinckley talked about how this time would be when Satan would most attack families and do whatever to tear them apart. Our family wasn't perfect or happy per say, but it was enough to keep me content. There were the occasional fights and disagreements like all families have. He even didn't make a big fuss about us being in the Church. Then that stupid lie appeared and he changed dramatically. He started to blame everything on the Church and eventually it became unbearable living with him. I saw how very slowly hate started to consume him and how in away he let himself be controlled by Satan. Then that other lady appeared and things got from bad to worse. And at the end of it all, Satan won.
Whoever reads this, whoever you may be; I cannot stress enough how you should hold and appreciate your family. You are blessed to have the family you have, putting aside all the things they do to drive you crazy. You're lucky to have them. Do everything to keep your home at peace, do everything to keep the Spirit in your home. Don't let contention in your home, don't let the adversary win.
Through my example it says that my dad will change through my example, but how?
At the end of the day though, I'm a big cry baby who really misses and loves her dad and just wants that family that she's never been able to have.
But I will, when I get married. And I seriously can't wait because family is the greatest thing on Earth.
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