I just don't know anymore, I really don't. I am trying so unbelievably hard to get rid of these depression attacks, but I'm slowly falling into them again. I don't understand, why am I so like this? I hate it. I'm so afraid to let loose and to open up like I know I'm capable of. I've been hurt by everyone that I just don't wanna try anymore. If someone comes into my life, I won't make the effort to try to get them to stay because if they really cared like they said they would, then they would stay. I just don't trust anyone anymore. One by one everyone is disappointing me and giving me a reason not to trust them. And I can't anymore, I just can't pretend like I don't notice and let it go. I know it's selfish, but I'm only caring about myself, about me and getting myself better after the biggest blow I've ever received. It still affects me sometimes. I'll be here, content, then my dad would creep into my mind and I'll just break down because what he did, that's the hardest I've ever gone through; feeling unwanted by my own dad. Because of him my whole perceptive on building and maintaining relationships has changed. It just comes to show that humans tend to abandon what they get bored of, even people-- and they just leave them there wondering why, what did I do?

That's why I am going to be alone forever. And I'm ok with that in a way because then I won't get hurt.
But then again, loneliness kills.