"I look adorable but I have no where to go"

Do you ever have those days where you just decoded to do your makeup and get dressed even though you have no where to go? Cause that's literally me right now. I could have gone to the gym, but since I'm facetiming with my darling sister, I decoded against it only because when I FT with my sis we do it not for just a short time, but basically all day. It's an all day thing. I'll probably do some Pilates later tonight, at like 10 or something so I can go to sleep feeling sore which by the way is the best feeling ever. So here I am sitting here looking cute with really long eyelashes and white shimmer on my eyelids with absolutely no where to go, lol. Oh well. I feel fab so whatever.

It's the second to last Friday before the invasion of the incoming freshmen here in Rexburg. It's been so nice just being here not having to see a swarm of annoying people everywhere I go. When there's a pack of Mormons there's bound to be some major judging going on, everyone knows that. I love what this church stands for and it's doctrines and teachings and whatnot, it's just the people that I can't stand sometimes. I know not everyone's like this with their "holier than you" attitude, but here in Idaho, that's like 95% of the population. I'm not judging, I'm just saying it how it is. People here say that they're not judgmental and whatever, but please. Yes you are. Even I am and I admit to it. But when someone goes around being this example goody two shoes Mormon and then another day turns around and is somebody completely different, then yeah basically I can't stand two faced people. Just pick one way to be and leave it at that. Stop trying to keep up appearances. I'm not particularly saying all this for a reason, I just felt inspired I guess to write about something related to my soon to be return to torture and sleep deprivation days. It's my senior year in college guys, a senior! Where did the time go? It seems like only yesterday I was crying in my dorm room putting away my socks as I thought about how I missed my mom on that first day of college. I'm so excited to graduate. I still have like 2 semesters after this one, but only because I have somethings to take care of before I leave here. And also because I'm taking my time; I don't want to load up on classes just so I finish and graduate by next July. Anyway, graduation. So excited! I already decided on what I'm doing. Like pretty much 50% of people after graduation (maybe) I'm still going to be at my mom's. Why pay for an apartment just to be alone? I don't like being alone, let alone living alone. It's going to be so fun. I'm going to apply to be a teacher at the Headstart a few towns away, go to concerts with my sis, cook amazing food, and just have fun. I might even go on a trip to Europe, who knows. All in all, I'm not ready to be an adult. At all.

Yay!

Why I can't get married

I've seriously thought about it-- this time in my life is supposed to be where I'm wild and free and whatnot with doing all these different things that make me happier than any guy could to be honest. I want to live these years (or 20s as some call it) to the fullest doing all these things I love. Concerts, laughing, being silly, obsessing over band members, etc.  I'm not ready to be serious and for full adult responsibilities.

It's crazy though how much you can love a band/artist and even crazier how much you can grow to love
everything about someone that doesn't even know that they mean the world to you. Cause that's how much I love 5SOS. They say that you are attracted to band members that reflect you and Michael Clifford does that. I love them all, believe me. Equal love for everyone of you boys. But Michael is my main bae. He's so chill and down to earth and would just rather spend all day in bed indoors doing nothing, but somehow making the most of it and finding a way to have fun. Ha, I don't even know what that even means what I just wrote. And his voice and his sense of humor, and his smile, and the way he looks when he plays. He's happy and shows it to the world even if he may be hurting inside. He finds humor in every situation and I seriously love that about him. I'd love to be friends with him and just spend the day together. We'd eat pizza, watch pokemon (the originals of course none of this new age crap), and listen to music. All while in our PJs. Anyway, as the title states, I can't get married. And exactly for this reason. I'm too attached to band members and bands and music. It's all I ever think about and care about. I guess you can say I'm immature, especially for my age, but whatever, ya know? Do what makes you happy. Who cares what anyone might say. My goal has shifted from getting married like everyone else around me to just graduating college, working, and spending most of my free days going to concerts and meeting my favorite people in the whole world. Not just this band, but every band and artist that I have grown to love. They've been there for me in a way that no one else can ever be. They bring me the greatest happiness, especially during those times where it seemed impossible simply by just playing their music and being themselves. All my favorite bands mean so much to me and I wish I can meet all my favs one by one and tell them how they have helped me find happiness even during the darkest of times.

It's just so amazing to me how you can have your dreams come true. Take One Direction for example- they went on the Xfactor never in a million years thinking that they would be put in such a successful band. Now look where they are now- it's so inspiring. And 5SOS oh my goodness. They started off just playing in their garage and posting covers on Youtube, then what do you know, Louis saw them and before you knew it, this band from Australia was opening up for one of the biggest boy bands in the world. I'm not saying that Louis was the reason they're famous now or even that it's due to 1D that 5SOS are big now. It was all them. They worked so unbelievably hard to play the best they could EVERY TIME and to give it their all in reaching the point at where they are now. And they won a VMA last week. Do you realize how proud I am of these boys? I feel like a mother who just sent her child off to school for the first time. We sent our boys of to the world and they're making it. They made it. They're living their dream. Your life can change by just one small action. Bands and artists like this make me remember that dreams can really become a reality if you give it 100%. Bands like these are my inspiration to keep on dreaming and hoping for the things that I want out of life.

And so there you have it peeps-- I can't get married (at least now) because I'm just too attached to bands and band members. I wouldn't be able to juggle married life and band life, but eventually I know there will come a day where I'll have to get it together, but I hope not because these bands that I've loved throughout the years are my everything and they truly saved me. That's cliche, but it's true. They give me so much happiness. It even scares me sometimes how much I love all these bands and artists.

Oh, and before I forget and if you didn't already know I bought concert tickets to go see 5SOS with my sister next year. As of today, 368 days to go! Currently planning my outfit and devising ways to meet them in person, especial my sunshine Michael.

Long awaited post

I've been thinking about writing this particular post for a while now and have been putting it off for the past few days. It's not that I've been busy cause I haven't. I'm far from busy right now-- all that takes up my days are eating, sleeping, reading, and working. But somehow I found the motivation to sit down and type this particular post.

It seems that most of everything I write about is relationships and love. Tis true, I cannot lie. Despite me having like zero involvement in this department, I love writing about it, but honestly lately I've come to seriously develop an overall stance of where I stand in this matter. Drum roll-- I just can't seem seem to believe that the particular love that I talk about and hope for exists. At least for me. I don't know why I've taken this thinking lately with being hopeless and with lack of faith. I just don't believe in it anymore. From my own eyes I've seen relationships crumble and break apart. I've seen people fall in and out of love. And of course I've experienced what it is like being a guy deflector because it seems I just drive guys away when I get close. Or just drive them away with my awkwardness. I've seriously thought back to my own claims that I've been in love before, but came up with the realization that I tried really hard to, but didn't and just experienced lust and personal gain rather than this love I sought after. I don't even know what the hell this love thing is. What I ask myself is what happened that I developed this totally "un me" attitude. I don't know. I guess I'm just tired of hoping for this thing and doing everything I can to deserve it, but not getting anywhere with it. I guess you can say that my faith overall is also in peril. I just don't feel the same way that I did going to church and frankly just caring. If I'm doing all these things that I'm supposed to be doing then where is my happiness? I know that a guy can't define your happiness and all that stuff, but let's just say that at this point in my life I'm just tired of even caring anymore. It's scary being in this position where my lack of faith is taking over how I act and think about things. It's even scarier that it too is affecting even my mom. She just has no motivation anymore. She's pessimistic about everything and it makes it difficult even holding a conversation with her. Her attitude brings me down. It seems that life isn't giving her a break, even after all these years she just can't seem to be happy. I'm not blaming God because I know these things happen for our own good, but I just can't help being frustrated with Him. Everything that my family has been through he could at least give us a break. There really is so much that she could take.

I'm just fed up with everything. I feel like my life is going nowhere really. I mean yes I know where I'm going career wise and all that stuff, but is there all there is in my future? Just working? Where is the adventure, the romance, the blessings that I have so foolishly been hoping for forever? I feel like I'm just wasting my life away waiting for nothing. Hmm, I don't known. I'm just gping to live my life and really care about anything anymore.

Rant over.

The bae

This one's for you Steph-- a post dedicated to just you. Isn't that grand? Isn't this picture so cute, awwwe. To be honest, I feel so lazy right now. Like a lot. I could really use a nap right now, but because I love you so much I'll endure all the laziness and lack of motivation to write and write about how wonderful you are and how you're my main bae.

This is my adorable yet obnoxious little sister Stephanie. She's 13 years old, which by the way is so weird to think about now that I'm writing that down. Where did the time go? I remember her when she was the size of a watermelon and slobbered all over the place. Geez, you slobbered a lot. It was cute, yet gross. But mostly cute because it gave off a shiny glow to your face. I remember seeing you grow up and just thinking about how fast you've grown up and I didn't even notice. I thought about the day that you would finally be walking and then all of a sudden you were! Then I thought about when you would be talking, going to school, etc and then that happened. Now you're a teenager and I feel old. You have your own life and your own friends and as you get older it seems that you don't need me anymore like you used to and it makes me sad. You're more preoccupied with the number of followers you have then anything else. You have your own dilemmas to deal with. You have crushes and obsess over boys like I used to at your age and still do if you want to get technical. Before long you'll be in high school and going off to prom and having a boyfriend and going to college and I'll be here feeling like an old fart sitting in my house full of cats.

Anyway, my wonderful adorable little sister is the best. She is so funny and my best friend. I can never stay mad at her for long because then one of us says something stupid and then we end up laughing like goons. She knows everything (almost) about me and I (mostly) tell her everything. We have the greatest and weird inside jokes. Like the Moo cow song. Ahahahahaha, omg. I honestly wish that she was my twin instead so that she could be here in college with me. That would be seriously amazing. We'd have the best time watching endless amounts of netflixs and eating our feelings. I do that with my roommates, but it's not the same as doing it with your number one muchacha.

OMG, I just thought about that time that you were like a couple months old and I fed you some expired milk. Mommy found out and she started freaking out and saying how if you didn't poop it out you'd die. We freaked out forever until you finally pooped. I don't know why I find that hilarious.

But yeah, you're awesome. And I'm thankful for having you as my sister. I could have had any other sister, but Heavenly Father gave me you instead. Ericka could have been my sister instead, omg imagine! ahahahaha

El pasado

I seriously miss Cainan....like a lot. It's gotten to the point where I sleep with the blanket he gave back to me after we broke up every night. And I pretend it's him. Cause hugging him and being in his arms was my favorite thing in the world.

But it's not healthy living in the past, ya know? But what if sometimes it is?

The Return

I'm baaaaaaack! I couldn't stay away. I've kept this blog for like 3 years now and I can't just forget about it- ya know? It has so much history and emotion and memories. I've missed writing on here and sharing with whoever about my life. Even if no one reads what I write- I still enjoy it. No...I love it. Just sitting on the couch, music playing, and my keyboard in front of me. Now, that's the life. That's my definition of bliss.

This summer, or at least what remains of it is being spent in good ol' Rexburg, Idaho with two of my roommates, Steph and Gaby. I'm working too. Early morning custodial from 4-7am 5 days a week. It's annoying getting up that early, but as soon as my shift ends I go home and sleep the rest of the day or at least I try to, but for some messed up reason my body likes waking me up two hours later when I intent to sleep for basically all day if I could-- or at least for a while than just 2 hours. Besides work, I've been reading, sleeping, and working out. It's great not having to worry about assignments that are due or grades or going to class. I can do whatever I want and it's great.

So I finished reading this one book yesterday. It's a YA book. It was cute, sickly adorable, but I enjoyed it. It was about this 13 year old girl and in it, she started dating this guy she met at McDonald's because she caught him sketching her and so she started sketching him and then they decided to introduce each other AND IT WAS SO CUTE! I'm 21 reading a book directed towards preteens, but whatever. Reading it and reading about her excitement of this new experience in her life reminded me of my own experiences, especially my first boyfriend. How cute. I remember how awkward our first date was and I remember the butterflies that I felt every time I thought about him and saw him. Our first kiss was interesting because my brother ended up throwing a phone book at us and I ended up with a bleeding lip. Fun stuff. I had no idea what I was doing and neither did he. It was sweet though. Holding his hand, lingering hugs, sweet kisses-- it was nice. We broke up like 3 times throughout our relationship, hahaha. I remember freaking out about what I would wear, whether I looked OK, whether my breath smelled, what we would do, etc. It was nice thinking about that time of my life as I read this girl's experiences and her thoughts. It also made me think about how far I've come in terms of my own views and values about relationships and how they're still continually growing and changing, single or not. Every relationship I've been in, even though they're not a lot, have taught me so much. Since my first relationship to my last one, I've learned something that has allowed me to finally be happy and content with myself and my life. Putting all those experiences together has allowed me to reach the conclusion that you can be happy on your own. That you make your own happiness. You're the one in charge. I'm not bashing on relationships or anything because they're great and amazing, but you don't need to be in a relationship to feel beautiful, worthy, or happy.You can be these things while being single too. A guy isn't necessary. A nice man is a nice addition to one's life whenever that time comes and a nice addition to your cake of life.

At this point of my life while everyone's getting married and starting their families and whatnot, I'm still single. Even though at first I was annoying about it by complaining and bashing on relationships
because I was not in one myself, I have learned to be so happy and just amazing about myself and my life. I can make my own happiness, I can take charge of my own life, I can feel worthy and beautiful all on my own.

The first person that you should learn to love should always be yourself and I feel like I've reached that point, finally. I accept and love all my imperfections. I do what I can to achieve what I want and to reach my goals for myself and be happy--not letting my circumstances affect my outlook on life and inhibit me from living my life. I'm reaping the blessings of obedience and hard work. All it took was patience and endurance through all that pain and suffering. I'm reaching my dreams. I finally figured out what I really want to do with my life. I love my friends and I love my family. And frankly, that's all I need right now. I feel as if a lot of people are rushing into marriage and relationships these days that they don't give themselves a chance to really and truly discover who they are and to really discover and experience new things. I have friends that are married and in relationships and with babies. That's great and I'm happy for them, but if I were in their shoes, I'd seriously struggle. I know I'm not ready for all that yet because I'm still working on myself and I'm enjoying just being on my own and discovering who I am, what I want, and what I find most important in life. When that time comes, great. But right now I'm totally content with my life and so happy. Happier than I've ever been really. Everything is falling into place and eventually that next part of my life will come too, but I'm good without it right now. Before I was dumb in making it something that I always worried and thought about. I made it my priority when I should have made me my priority. I should have been focusing more on my own growth and happiness instead of being marriage and relationship hungry.

Anyway, that's that. This is what listening to romantic soft relaxing music does to me. It makes me ponder and reflect on everything, especially the whole relationships issue. If you're single, enjoy life. If you're not, enjoy your life too. Everything comes at it's own time. Some later than others, but regardless, do everything to be happy. You're the only one, not a guy or anything or anyone else, that can give you the type of happiness that only you can provide for yourself. <3

A new leaf can be hard to turn

This whole blogging promoting and makeover is making me so excited because I can't wait to see where it will all head and where it will take me. I've been looking at different sources as to see exactly how I can start making money off of what I write. This blog that I currently have is great, it's wonderful, and it's full of a ton of stories, lessons learned, and most of all memories that I will never forget.  Then there's the big but-- if I really really want to become serious about this, I need to let this blog go and start a new. I will never delete this blog. I will always go back to it whenever I want to remember certain things and swim in memory lane. I tried to figure out if I can still run a successful blog that people will read even if I decided to do it from this blog here; it's already full of so many things. I've been reading through it for the last few days and reviewing it. The content is great and all and it's all good and whatnot, but it's too personal. It's like an online diary- and that was the original intent of it to begin with in the first place when I decided to make it. I think that perhaps the reason that it's hard of letting go of this blog is because of the high number of viewers and the number of posts that I have collected in these 3 years. Frankly, that's not even a real reason if you think about it. If this gained all of that I'm sure that my other blog will do the same.

So, here's the plan. Once my money from a refund that I'm receiving from Amazon comes in, I'll use that money towards buying my own domain name. I'll have my own website and I'll start from there. That way it will be able to reach a higher audience and eventually it might even help me in getting noticed by others and then hopefully start making money from it. This whole blogging thing has started off just being a hobby, an interest-- but over the years I have discovered the beauty of it. I love rereading my own thoughts and I love the concept that what I write can influence and touch others. Career wise it can turn into something depending on the success of this new project I'm setting out to do, but I also plan of doing something with my degree once I'm finished with school. I still plan on working with children as a main career, but I also want to do this. I don't care if it becomes successful or not as long as I reach as many people as possible. As long as I go to sleep every night knowing that there are people out there that are reading what I have to say and actually care enough to read it in the first place- that really means a lot. I feel pretty strong about this new project that I want to do. I haven't prayed about it yet and I know that eventually I should. What better source of advice than God, right? I know though that despite me not doing that yet, that I need to pursue this. If it wasn't something I wasn't meant to do I wouldn't be this excited about it and so sure of it.

It's not the end though- at least not yet! Until I set everything up I'll keep this blog up, but once I set my new one up and it's all set and ready to go, this blog will be going on private and no longer public. I will never delete this blog, ever. I don't know who even reads this blog, but whoever you are thanks for tuning in to my rantings.

Ideas!

Please, I'm trying to start something great and that I really love doing. Suggestions as to what you would like to read about or discussed here, let me know! Let's all be friends! Any advice anyone needs, counsel, literally ANYTHING, let me know! I was also thinking of doing an advice column sort of thing. It can be anonymous or not. I'll answer to the best of my ability. I want to serve others and help in anyway. If you have anything, anything at all--- email me at jvasquez14@gmail.com. (best way to contact me)

I'm here to help and serve you!

New things are on their way!

I've been looking into the whole making money off blogging topic and apparently you can! I've had this blog for like 3 years now so I might as well get something from it all, right? Wouldn't it be cool if I had more traffic coming in-- meaning all kinds of users that read what I have to say? Maybe I'll start writing about different new things now. I'll still write every day stuff-- but maybe I'll write about more various things like different issues, recipes I try, etc.

This could really be the start of something new! *cue high school musical song*

Anyway, let's start off with something so awesome and magical that I can honestly say it has changed my life and has improved it by 1000 times more!

Blogilates!

I've always been a fan of exercise and trying new things. I especially love my cardio most of all. Going through all sorts of exercises through the years-- I never really saw the results I wanted. What makes everything a million times harder is the fact that I have such a weird body. Due to my physical condition most of my strength and muscle comes from my right side. So when I train my body becomes disproportionate. Anyway, moving on.  Blogilates is amazing! Cassey Ho, the instructor is a certified Pilates instructor and she has this site (above) where she teaching Pilates. Not just Pilates, but all sorts of exercises like HIIT, stretching, dance, etc. I decoded in January that I needed to tone up my body. With her workout calendars and tips-- I have made such a big change. I feel more energized, more confident, and might I add a really great looking butt ;) Her exercises have helped me be more equal on both sides in terms of muscle tome. The process is a slow one, but it's all about determination and talking it one step at a time!

Exercise and training hard has been something that has made me believe that I am capable of doing anything that I set my mind to. Even though at times I feel like dying and giving up, I don't. Cassey's constant words of encouragement are encouraging and help me go that extra mile. There's a saying that she says in her workouts-- train insane or remain the same. It's a wonderful motto to live by if you think of it. Not only can it apply to working out, but life too. Give it your all. Give all your effort into whatever you're doing or your circumstances will remain the same. You are capable of changing your future and to shape it anyway that you want. So yeah, go check her website out! There's her monthly workout calendars, meal plans (I'm starting one once I get back to school!), a store you can get cute and comfy workout gear, and other awesome stuff!
No matter who you are or what your circumstances are I honestly think that you should incorporate fitness and nutrition into your life. Not only does it put you in great shape and increases your health, but it also improves your emotional health! I don't care if you're the most overweight person ever-- get your butt off that couch and start bettering your life! Eating clean (at least trying to) and working out is seriously an important key to overall happiness.
And that's what it has helped me do, be happy with not only myself, but my overall life. It has helped me see things in a different light and to change unhealthy habits. I know I'm never going to look like a model or whatever. Cassey has taught me to accept myself and love myself the way that I am- disability and all. It started off being about improving my appearance, but then it turned into improving my soul as well. I'm so thankful for what Cassey does and I hope that she gets more recognition for what she does and reaches everything that she has set out to do with her website.

Wherever You Are

I'm a horrible liar. I haven't posted anything in what seems like forever. Now, I can begin by apologizing and saying I'll do a better job next time, but that's a lie because I'm lazy. So there are going to be those rare moments where I will be bored enough to actually open up my laptop, open up blogger, and write something.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the past and it has made me want to slap myself because of how stupid I was during that one specific time of my life that makes me want to be able to redo it all over and not lose what might have been my only chance of getting what I most longed for-- even if it wasn't at al that perfect and exactly what I wanted it to be. It was close, very close and I took the liberty of personally destroying it by acting high and mighty and as if I was too good and perfect, which I wasn't and which I'm still not.  I wish I could travel back in tome to that moment and talk to myself-- tell myself how much I'm going to regret it later on in life. I really wish that I can do it all over again-- the right way. So that through that second chance we could do and say the correct things and not waste time by staying silent and playing games.

I took so much for granted, so much. I was more preoccupied with holding a perfect image and not about sustaining what I had and working together to let the relationship grow. What happened in the end was fair because it was well deserved. I would have done the same thing if that were me. This situation is really driving me crazy, it really is. I've been thinking too much about the future and if I will have that chance to redo it all over again. Put into work all that I've learned in those years of absence. All that I've been thinking about was also all those things that I took for granted. It was perfect and I'd do anything to have it again. What if my hunch is wrong and a year from now nothing happens and I've been hoping all these years for something that wasn't meant to be? Out of everything wrong that I've done in my life, this is in the top 3. I try to work out the details of  everything in my mind, but it just can't work. The circumstances that are in the future are both different. If something is to work out then I know it will. After all, love conquers all. I should have said something, I should have tried to fix it-- but I was weak. I try so hard letting others be happy that I put my happiness aside to let them have their way. That's what happened there. I had more than one chance after that to fix it, but I didn't. My weakness was what engulfed me and did not allow me to have the guts to fix it.

I don't get it though/ Why now? For a long time I did not give it much thought at all, but now it has hit me like a piano that falls from the tallest apartment onto an innocent unaware victim. Thinking about it has started to bring great sadness and an ache of loosing something that I have wanted and was granted the privilege to have, but let go. I don't have high hopes that it will workout, but if it does that's it. If I have it again and don't mess it up-- my aching questions and constant what ifs will be answered and solved and I can move on if it fails. I just need to know what could have been if I was more attentive to it and took better care. All that I ask is for that one chance to fix it. Just one.

I'm really eager for the future. Until that moment, I'm just going to build up that strength for that moment.

Writing is such a therapy, seriously. Organizes everything that is swimming around in my head.

Getting your hopes up

I've sucked at writing on here and for that I'm sorry. Now sit down and enjoy this next installment.

I've been in this dilemma lately. It happened again and I started to really, REALLY like this guy. My mom loves him already, my sister loves him, even my dog loves him. So in other words, he has their stamp of approval. Here's the story. When I first met him, I didn't like him. He reminded me of my aunt's drunk boyfriend. Towards the end of fall semester 13', I started to reconsider him. He really is such a great person. He has the kindest . So cheesy. heart ever and you can really feel his love for others. He's hilarious and funny and so nice, awwwe. I literally think I fell in love with him or as I once said to my sister, his "soul". Seriously though, I can't even handle how much I like him. And there have been instances where it seemed like he did too by his body language. I don't know, when it comes to little flirty gestures or whatever you call it, I tend to over-think the situation. and then I grow too attached to that person and end up getting disappointed when things don't turn out like I would want them to, BUT this time I will not just simply sit back and wait for things to happen. Why did it have to take me forever to figure this out--- that if I want something or in this case, someone, I need to work for it and to really prove it that I want it.  It's crazy to think about though case in my patriarchal blessing it says that I need to seek out this guy that I supposed to end up with so by this desire that I have to really make this guy fall in love with me-- things might end up "coming to pass".

This is totally weird though because I'm not that type of person to seek out someone, most especially a guy.
So that's what has been happening lately. I don't know if it will go anywhere, but there's nothing to lose if I try right?

Once we exchange numbers, let the games begin :P

On another note, I changed my mind of what I want to do after I graduate. My originally planned to get certified as a child life specialist, but it's a lot of work. Not that I'm lazy and can't do all the work it takes to complete it--- its just not something that I can see myself enjoying for years and years to come. I thought about it hard and thought back to my experiences with volunteering and working at the day care and I came to the conclusion that I love to teach kids, especially at this early age where learning is so crucial for them and sets the foundation for everything else they learn later on. I remember being the assistant, the volunteer, etc and wishing that I was the teacher that was leading. I want to be able to manage ,y own little classroom and teach these little kids stuff. Hopefully this time next year I don't have a different idea of what I want to do with my degree.

OH, and this song!
Thanks to my sister-- I'm obsessed with this :)

2014 is almost here...

Another year is over and I feel like crap. What's new? Hahaha, only because I'm sick right now. But really though, another year of nothingness. Hmmm, what happened this past year? My brother left on a mission, I fractured my foot, I went to school, got good grades...etc etc. Before I start to wallow in the lack of excitement in this past year, let's take a deep breath and appreciate all the great stuff that happened to me and to be more grateful for what did happen and what I did learn no matter how small and to not sulk away because of what didn't get accomplished this past year. - I met some great people this past year and made and strengthened some friendships - Saw my favorite band in concert and had the best day of my life with one of my best friends - Met one of the most inspirational and motivating guy that I've ever met in my life - Realized that I'm super awesome and that just because I'm single as a pringle doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. I finally came to terms with my singleness - I came out of my shell...sorta. I did so much better this year. I feel like I gained so much more confidence and learned to find happiness in the small things - Moved on - Realized what I want to do with my life...again....sorta. Want to be a child life specialist, there's that. Still scared out out my mind to be an adult, a full on independent adult. One step at a time right? That's what come to mind at the moment, but it's something! Now for our favorite things--- resolutions! Woooooo! - Eat cleaner and train harder - Put myself at a better spiritual level - Learn to drive (sad, isn't it?) - Improve my cooking skills - Read all standard works - Grow out hair really long - Stop being so lazy in general - Write on blog more - Improve money management!(seriously though!) Here's to a better year! Here's to more drama, more tears, and more happiness. So as clique as it sounds, here's to a new me. Yay! #newyearnewyou

Ouch

First off, I can't space my paragraphs here-- don't know why but it's seriously annoying having what I write be sprunched up in one giant paragraph, arg. Anyway, it's Monday. Ew. I kinda like Monday's though because I don't go to class till 4:30 so it's nice. Same with Wednesdays and Fridays. Today I have to go and take my special education exam. I'm going to go directly after class though and stay at the testing center taking my sweet time and I'll be able to miss FHE. Bwahaha! Idk, I can't bring myself to be excited for FHE, like ever. Fir me at least, I see it as a waste of time honestly. I could be getting so much tome done during that time, seriously! I do feel like a total sinner for not going though.....but while I'm here I have to be super focused on my studies so really, I choose homework over that. I hope Heavenly Father understands :) For the past week, I've had the most annoying pain in my foot. It's a tiny stress fracture really. It seriously hurts to walk like a normal person so I've been wobbling like a pirate with a wooden leg so far. It's weird. And frustrating. Especially with people giving you weird and pity looks as you walk by. And I want to go over to Scott's place sometime, but while my dumb foot decodes to be stupid--- I can't really walk too far. Like Tuesdays and Thursdays are killer-- I have to walk really far to get to my class. Other days I just have to walk across the street to get to my education class. I hope that it goes away soon before my trip next week to Minnesota. Anyway, I'm hungry and have a test to study for. I might just stay and study and go take the test after class tomorrow. We'll see.

No, no,no

It's literally been FOREVER since I've written here. I'm sorry! I'm at school right now. It's my 5th semester right now. It's November. I go home next month. Yay! Seriously, I'm so fed up with everything right now. I'm tired of doing homework literally all the freaking time. It seems I never have time to do anything except that. And I'm tired of feelings. And feeling like a loser. And being single in a land surrounded by mushy couples. It literally makes you feel horrible about yourself and makes you feel like there's something wrong with you because you don't have anyone yet. Everywhere there are people getting into relationships and getting married-- then there's me over here overworking her brain and being a loser. It seriously is bad for my health being all around these couples-- it only makes me feel like some sort of fail. Anyway, moving on. Who honestly has time to wallow around and feel sorry for oneself because of lack of love? I know that the Lord has someone amazing out there for me---- he's just bettering himself for me before I meet him. Or maybe I already met him? Who knows and right now, I don't really care. Feelings of that sort are confusing and time consuming and arg. I can wait. Really. As much as I want that in my life right now, I know that in the Lord's will that may not be what He wants for me right now. All I can do is just accept it and patiently wait. Here's a topic though that I've been thinking a lot about lately--- being friends with guys. I've found that I can't be friends with guys. Why? Because I end up having feelings for them or vice versa. Like with what happened with Mike. It doesn't work because A.) either they don't like you back that way or B.) you don't like them back that way. I've thought a lot about this. Am I missing out on not giving that individual a chance if they have feelings for me? You do marry your best friend after all. And a great relationship comes when both are friends to start off with. I'm kinda starting to go through this dilemma of potentially developing feelings for a friend. I don't want to that's the thing. Agh, I hate this. Typical. Seriously though, at the moment I have feelings for like everyone right now. I wish I could turn that part of my brain off, really. I think that the reason that I may still be single is that I don't trust people, especially guys. I don't trust that there will ever be anyone who goes out of his way to talk to me and get to know me without me doing it. I know that the interaction goes both ways, but for me at least I just can't seem to do it. Whether it me with a guy I like or just a friend--- I don't like appearing like I'm being annoying by seeking them out. In other words, I don't want to seem like I'm pursuing them at all. So it's frustrating when a guy stops giving in the effort to get to talk to me because he somehow expects that I'll start seeking him out. No way, I don't do that. Never will. If you want something from me, you have to work hard for it. Whether it be friendship wise or not. When I see your effort then I might go out of my way to do the same for you if I develop a trust for you. Anyway, back to the guy thing. When a guy expresses interest, I guess he eventually expects for me to seek him out too and when I don't they think that I don't care about them anymore or whatever and then stop talking to me then poof, they disappear and the potential of anything ever happening is gone and I'm left going all WHAT THE HECK? What's the point, really? Will there EVER be a guy out there that has the kind of patience with me to break out of my protective shell? Why even try, really. I know I say this over and over again to myself, but seriously I'm so done with this whole love thing. I don't even care anymore. I'm through developing foolish fantasies in my head and developing false hopes that never end up working out. I try, I really do. It's just that no guy that I've met yet can be patient with the way that I open up to them and trust them enough. I give so much to others. I'm a listening ear, I give advice, I try to comfort-- but what do I end up getting in return? I know that I shouldn't expect anything out of the service I give to others, but there's so much I can take. And so much waiting for something great. It's really frustrating sometimes. I just want to run around and scream-- how much more patient can I be? How much more patient does the Lord want me to be? I literally think that I'm going insane with all this waiting for the blessings that the Lord has promised me. I know that I'm not the best in scripture reading, prayer, etc., but I try to be the best person I can be. I try to be kind and loving to others. How much more do I have to wait to be blessed with these things my heart so ever desires? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do? How can I develop that motivation to improve on the aspects of me that need work? Looks like I have some work to do! I really love how blogging can get me to realize the obvious, haha

An Indescribable Love

Lately I've been thinking about how much I love music. Besides the Gospel, it is the second source of my happiness. No other feeling can top the feelings I get from music. I mean it when I say if music were a guy, I would marry it. I seriously don't even know who to describe what I feel about all the bands and artists that through their vocal chords have brought me the greatest happiness imaginable.

I love the Gospel and I love God. I'm so thankful for every miracle and sign of love and support He brings into my family's life as well as my own. I am so ungrateful sometimes with complaining about being single and little annoyances that I forget to thank Him for what I have. Fir my family, my health, the people that care about me, and my music. When no one was there music and the Lord have been there for me. That's why I look to music that inspires and that has meaning. I love music that makes me the happiest and that brings me the greatest joy. Music that inspires me to be a better me and that gives me courage.

Now to address something that I've had bottled up for sometime that I feel is so important that I address and let out before I forget all about it.

Same Love.

Gay marriage and the issue of gay rights is a hot topic if the world and a topic that many do not want to talk about. Before this past semester, this topic made me so uneasy to talk about because I didn't know what to tell others when they asked me about my opinion. In church we are taught that the family is the greatest gift that we can be give and that only through marriage between a man and a woman can true and complete happiness be achieved and I agree with that 100%. I support gay rights and I love gay individuals. They are God's children and I don't see them in a bad light. It's just their actions that I don't support, especially gay marriage. Marriage is so sacred and for that reason I don't support gay marriage. In one if my classes last semester we learned from a talk an authority gave that these feelings of same sex attraction are a trail hat many people came to Earth to go through as part of their journey of the mortal experience. The part of the song that says "Ï can't change even if I tried, even if I wanted to" makes me want to cry and it touches me so much. Yes you can change if you have the Lord by your side. Through the Lord anything is possible, anything. I know with all every part of me that the Lord loves us so much and that He has our well-being in mind when he faces us with hardships in our lives. He loves you so much, even when you refuse His love. Even if you turn your back on Him....He will be there to welcome you when you're ready to have Him in your life again.

It's never too late. Never ever let yourself believe that you're not worth it. The Lord loves you and only wants His children to follow the plan that will get them to live with Him again. God;s laws are the truth and His truth is unchangeable and eternal.

Peace.

My babies!

Haha, not literally.

The Backstreet Boys came out with a new album last week for their 20th anniversary as a band and ahhhh, I love them! Therefore I refer to them as my babies because they are my first loves in terns of music. They were the first music that I listened to when I came here to the US.

Awwwe, they're amazing-- they've grown up sooo much since the first time they came together as a group. Now they're all married (except for Nick, he's engaged) and have have their own little family of their own and AWWW it's just so cute to realize this and think about how my other babies (one direction) are growing up too and soon they too will be all married and have kids of their own.

Anyway, let;s get this show on the road. It has been a while since my last post hasn't it? Well, school and all the stress that comes with it is over for the next 6 weeks or so then fall semester in September, ew.  With this free time, I'm not doing anything. I'm going to sit back and enjoy being the lazy person that has been suppressed for an entire semester. The semester was busy. 7 classes and 17 credits! But I got straight As so it all paid off in the end. If I keep it up I can get close to a 4.0 overall GPA. I hope so, it would help so much for financial aid.

Let's address something that has been on my mind for what seems like ever and I didn't get the chance to address here.
So, a while back I really started to think a lot about Cainan. He was and is constantly on my mind. And it didn't help either that he never wrote me back since I sent him a letter in April.
So I'm thinking about him and our relationship and all that fun stuff-- then it really hit me how a horrible girlfriend I was to him. He was totally right in breaking up with me and that makes e wish that we had given each other a chance first to become friends rather than together. How I wish that I could redo that part of my life, I really do. Now that I've analyzed it-- I regret it cause I didn't appreciate what positives he did in my life and focused more on just having someone to make out with-- like I use him or something and he didn't deserve it. Like I said, I wish I could do it over. Some part of me though tells me that I will be able to do it over again, but who knows. He said that he broke up with me because he was going on a mission. He beer really had no other reason to besides what I just discussed. But it bothers me though because he could have come to me and talked about it. Uhhhh, I don't know. I'm just going to leave it at that and maybe when he gets back we'll see where we both are.
It seems that whenever I think I'm ready for giving dating a try-- I'm reminded that I'm not by the things that I learn each semester. and realizing all the things that I've done wrong n the past and need to work on before it happens. I guess there's still a ton I need to learn because as of now, I'm as single as a pringle and to be honest it bothers me. I know that it shouldn't and half of the time it doesn't natter to me until it just randomly hits me how great it would be to have someone live you and you love them back in that sense. And then there's my friends who are heading towards the road if where I want to be and where as a younger me, hoped I would be at by this age. I guess it's not my time yet and I just have to deal with it and stop focusing so much on it because  have my whole life ahead. Plus, just because everyone is there at that point in their lives doesn't mean I'm required to or that there's something wrong with me because I'm not.

OK, the end. No more talking about this topic for the time being.

Anywaaaaay, what should I talk about then? How about the fact that I don't want to do fall semester? Like, it starts next month and I just got here-- it's not fair. I love being home and being lazy all day. I need to recover from spring semester because it was so busy and hard that my brain needs all the rest it could get. AH. Plus, sometimes I can't deal with Rexburg. It can be so annoying sometimes. There are hypocrites everywhere and it gets hard telling who's real and who's not and it becomes hard trusting others. I hope this makes sense. So what else have I been up to? Reading mostly. Currently I'm reading this book about hese two kids with cancer that are starting to fall in love with each other...it's adorable. Makes me think about how there is love for everyone no matter the circumstance.

Excuse me, I'm getting emotional right now.
Adrian's favorite sing is Ride by Lana del Ray and it's so beautiful and amazing that it makes me miss him so much.

Sometimes what you're searching for is in front of your own nose

...seriously.

But more on that later :)

The Lord is testing me

...really.

What I'm going through right now tests my willingness to be patient and trusting that the Lord will in due time grant me with what my heart yearns to have so bad; a family.

Like, I feel so empty knowing that I don't have another person to complete me, a guy. That sounds dumb, but it's true. We are all to some extent born with this desire. After all man completes woman and woman completes man so that feeling to be with a partner is natural-- at least in my eyes. And for me, this feeling is kicking me full blast and to be honest, it's making me feel like a failure in some sense because I don't go out of my way to form or at least really try to start a romantic relationship because of my fear of betrayal and rejection. At this point I have just left it up to the Lord to decide who He wants me to be with and when. I have total faith that He'll do this for me. All I need is the patience and the Spirit to tell me what the Lord wants me to know.

K, goodnight.

Seek him out at the appropriate time

Ah man, it's been a while hasn't it?

School's great, it really is. I love my classes and my roommates. I love my ward, my friends-- everything.

Now let's get down to business shall we?

Last week was fast and testimony meeting and the whole week leading up to it I've had the strongest and most beautiful experiences. All of a sudden out of the blue it just hit me; it hit me that I need to share with everyone about me, the whole me. To share what has made me into who I am today and what I have denied to include in my testimony of the Gospel all this time. I've a;ways been afraid to share this with others because I felt that opening up like that made me more vulnerable than I already am. But the Lord, through the Spirit, reassured me of His biggest promise; that nothing bad would happen. That no one will judge me because after all-- I should be more afraid of His judgement than man's. It took all the strength I had to make it up to that podium that fast Sunday. But I did and I have never felt so free as I do now; as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now don't think it was something bad, like a horrible hidden past, no. I shared my testimony about faith. About how after so many years living with a physical limitation has tested my own faith and my love for the Lord. How the Gospel has been my rock upon which I built my life on. How it has helped me in the most difficult times of my life. How I rejoice over His promise to all of us that upon resurrection, we will be restored-- our bodies free of all illness and blemish.

You have to understand that this was such a HUGE step for me in every single way. The only people that know about this condition I have are my close friends and family-- so it took so much courage telling this to strangers, people I barely know. But you know what? I feel like the Lord is really pleased with this step I took, that through it I know a blessing will come of it. That this decision has allowed me to really progress in my life. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel closer to achieving something-- but what is it?

All these classes that I'm in have such a huge emphasis on marriage and family-- that it has caused me to seriously start thinking about when my time to meet my eternal companion will come. I'm so frustrated though, seriously. I'm doing everything I need in order to achieve this blessing that the Lord has promised me, so why is it taking what seems like forever? I know I'm only 20, but I just feel so strong about this, about my desire to get married. You know that scripture that says man can't be without women and vice versa? I literally feel like that; that I need a man, my companion to be me, to be the full me. Does that even make sense? I don't know, but it's the truth. I finally feel like I'm in a good place in my life right now, so I feel like it's that time that I get back on the boat that is love. I miss it, I really do. I miss being held, I miss the feeling of being loved by someone other than a friend or family. The kind of love that the Lord has made man and woman for.

I was reading my patriarchal blessing last night, especially the portion that talks about my eternal companion. It specifically said that I need to seek this guy out at the appropriate time, but how can I if  have no idea of what I'm looking for or what I'm doing? I'm so bad at talking to guys that I have no idea how to even seek whoever this guy may be. I really hope that he knows how much I need him right now, how much I already love him, how much I plead for his safety and well being; that he remains true to his priesthood and his faith. That he keep himself worthy to take me to the temple when the time comes.

I know I must sound crazy, but I'm not. An eternal family is something that I've always wanted all my life. It is the biggest thing that I desire out of everything else and I pray each day that somehow I get closer to achieving this goal. From scripture study I have learned the importance of patience. And this patience is what I need more of in this situation. I need the faith that the Lord will lead me and whoever my eternal companion may be towards finding each other to be sealed for time and all eternity. All I need is patience that the Lord will bless me with this promise, that He will at His own time, not mine.

All I have is faith and that faith is what will keep me going everyday.

Hello

I feel like such a slacker for not updating this blog as much as I used to, but I've just been too lazy to be honest. Here are some highlights though:
1. My brother left on his mission on the 27th. He finished his stay at the MTC and he's going to be sent out on the field tomorrow!
2. New Fall Out Boy album is so good omg I love these guys more than sleep and food.

See, you didn't really miss much.

OH YEAH, I go back to school next week OMG FINALLY! I love being home, don't get me wrong, but there's nothing to do here at all. All this time all I've done is worked my butt of at the gym and watched wedding and baby shows on TLC and let's not forget Twitter and my account dedicated to a boy band, hahaha. But seriously though, I love Twitter. It's so full of drama-- it's so entertaining being in the midst of it all.

Back on topic, school. I registered for 18 credits and I pretty much think I'm doomed-- I seriously hope not. My friend took 19 last year and she made it, but that's because she's focused and stuff, but me? AHAHAHAHAHA, that's funny. But I'm going to try my hardest to be super focused though, pinky swear!
I'm excited for my classes though, should be fun to be learning again after being brain dead for 3 months. I'm taking 2 online classes too so I have to be super focused with keeping up with those 2 classes AND my on campus classes. Aside from school though, I'm soooooo excited to be sharing an apartment with my friend Stephanie and her friend Gabby. The rooming list was sent last week and so far it's just the 3 of us which is great news for me because for some reason, I'm not really good with getting along and living with strangers so I'm stoked for this semester's living arrangement.