People suck

One of the biggest things I absolutely hate is feeling like an option. It's especially worse when you're an option to your own best friend. Its seems like I'm a last resort sometimes when all else fails. People take advantage of me and how nice I am. Because they know I can't stay mad. It makes me so sad. Thank goodness for the friends I can count on, not many, but I know they'd be there for me always. Lately, I've been on another of those roller coasters that I seem to be having more frequently. I just get sad for no reason or I let the smallest thing get to me. It's horrible feeling like this. Like you don't matter, that you're only considered an option. I feel so lonely too sometimes, even in a room full of people or with my own family. I feel so hopeless sometimes that I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble, can't breathe, and I just wanna scream it out. I just get tired of everything and everyone sometimes. I get tired of being constantly disappointed. I get tired of the arguments, of the rejection. When he looks at me, it's like he sees nothing, like I'm not there. It's like a shot to the chest.

I really do miss him though. There, I said it. I miss my alcoholic abusive father. No matter what he is, I'll always love him. I've tried to hate him, to resent him--I've missed out on so many things because of him. But I can't. It's not in my nature to be mad at people and not forgive them. Of course, I forgive and don't forget. But I just want everything to be normal again, like when I was little. I miss that love he showed me, I miss him joking with me, I miss making him feel proud--it just frustrates me though, why me?

Of course there's a reason for everything, but sometimes I wonder how much of this until I can be happy again. I feel like I fake being happy sometimes so that no one knows that I'm breaking and hanging on a tiny thread of faith and hope on the inside.

You're a great listener blog. Thank you for letting me vent.
Even if you're not real, you're not like everyone. You don't leave.