There come many points in your life when you accept defeat. When you gave it your all, you actually put in the effort, but things just don't go the way you wanted them to and you finally decide to let it go, to forget about it, or at least try to. Even though you don't know if you lost, you can still somehow feel you did. And with having the knack to know things by simply feeling them, I know I lost. Who knows, I might be wrong. Like my blessing points out, I always have hope in my heart. And that's true. No matter the amount of loss or lost cause- I always have that tiny light of hope in my heart that somehow, my decision to abandon the effort is wrong and that it will work out how I want it to.
This blog should become a book. Like really. I sometimes astonish myself by the things I'm actually capable of writing. All the emotion that goes into every word I write when spoken words aren't enough to express how I feel. It has been a year since I first started this blog and I'm so proud of myself. I actually stuck to writing. Every time I write, I feel like I'm letting go of the weight that I'm carrying, even if it's just a little. And right now, that's exactly how I feel. Like I'm dumping that weight that has hung over me on here by writing. Like I can finally breathe again. There will always be instances in my life where it feels like everything and everyone is against me and this blog I have, as insignificant as it is to everyone else or to whoever stumbles across it, is like a best friend that I can tell these things to without them saying anything. Just being there to carry my daily worries and fears. Kind of like Christ since He does the same, carries all our sorrows and fears. Writing and the Gospel I have come to realize offer me that opportunity to somehow give up the rocks I carry on my back. They'll hold them for me until I am strong to carry them on my own. I have my mom, my friends and all that, but they don't really offer me that sense of peace that being in the Church and writing how I feel do. That's another thing, I want to find that person that is not my parent or just a friend, but the lover. The lover that can help me carry those burdens, who can help me at least not feel the pain that those burdens bring. One day, and boy, do I look forward to that day when I meet that person. Whoever it is, wherever they are, I already love them. Love them simply for being chosen by the Lord as the indicated man to be in my life and spend forever with.
I don't know if I made sense nor do I really care. As long as it makes sense to me, I'm good.
When I write here, I don't really specifically write to anyone. I only write for myself, with me in mind. I write what's on my mind and if anybody actually reads what I write, great. If anybody can actually relate, even better because then you'll have someone that's going through life the same way you are.
You know that feeling you get after taking a deep breath?
That's how I feel right now.
From now on, I'm going to stop letting the constant depressing feelings that seek after me get inside my head. I can defeat them on my own, if I need help, well, the offer's always open for whoever wants to help.
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