Pathetic

I feel so pathetic right now with feeling dependant on some guy and the little attention he's given me. What do I expect out of this guy I barely know? Go away feelings. I'm only like this because he's the first guy that has shown interest in me in a long time. But nothing would come of it anyway so why do I or should I care? We barely even know each other and even though he has shown rhat interest, nothing has come of it. And those times I try to just shake him out of my life- he randomly decides to say hey. Then I'm back to that place where I hope something happens and end up disappointed in myself for thinking a guy like him would actually be interested in me, HA.

I hate this. Feeling like a leper when it comes to guys. What do I do wrong? It's so hard not caring about this kind of stuff when everyone is off getting married. Like tomorrow for example, one of my friends is getting engaged. It's really annoying being part of a culture that hounds its young people to get married because it makes dating hard. Then all everyone is with this marriage mindset and so picky that they never give a chance. Then again I am like this too sometimes- with being picky. For example, I have this really good guy friend and be's so sweet and nice and funny. He's liked me at one point and I don't know if he still does. Even on his mission he writes me to check up on me and ask how things are. He'd be perfect- only thing is I don't see him in that way at all. I'm not attracted to him. And then I think, "are you being picky?" No, I'm not. I've tried giving us a chance, but I can't see him in any other way than just a friend. 

And then the guys I am attracted to are jerks, overthink the situation and take it way too seriously, or just want what I can't give them. 

That's ok though, I have my cats ;)

In other news I'm going to get a massage tomorrow so hopefully that gets rid of these negative feelings. Shooo go away!

eL oH eL

Love the new blog title? Cause I do!

Hehe.

Anyway, something crazy happened yesterday. OK not so crazy, but just unexpected. Remember the jerk that stood me up? Well, he got a hold of me yesterday really randomly and I called him out on what happened that day. According to him he was just really nervous and ended up having some work to do that night. I don't know if this is true or not, but whatever. We joked around a bit and I went to bed. Then he texted me good morning. Haha, I love good morning texts. But I'm still pissed off at him even though he keeps hinting that he wants to hang out. Whatever though cause I don't want to overthink this or give it expectations just because he is paying attention to me. We'll see where this goes to and I'll be sure to give the details. Honestly though, I kinda want something to happen. But then I don't. Cause even though I don't know him that well yet I can easily guess we have very different views on things and want different things. And I've been taught not to settle and to go after the things (or in this case the man) that can give me all I want and need. But said man is nowhere to be seen so I'm here thinking "just have fun with it and see where it goes if it goes anywhere".  Cause thinking about it dating non members was so much more fun than dating mormon guys. Whatever though, no thinking about this! Get out get out thoughts! No expectations remember!?

Anywho, I got a haircut yesterday. Nothing dramatic. Just added layers. And my eyebrows! It was a good day! Now I'm off to cuddle in my couch and read this book I bought at Target today.

Currently seriously crushing on these guys. Holy tacos I want one! They are amazing singers omggggg!!

Cringe worthy

Endorphins make you happy and being happy is something that can be hard to do sometimes. Singing whatever favorite song makes my mood so much better so I sing all the time. It helps. I don't know if I really have a good voice as I've been told, but regardless the music will live on!

So I was thinking, why not write about stupid stuff I've done throughout the years? That would give me such a laugh as well as those that read these ramblings of mines. I think back to these experiences and sometimes cringe with embarrassment for my past self. Anyway, let's get this ball rolling shall we?

Now these are in no particular order kay?

1. Anonymous letters- Starting in 4th grade (or was it 3rd?) I had a huge crush on this guy named Anton. He was a new student who had just come from Russia and he was in my ESL class. We became friends and it was great. We'd joke around all the time, it was great. Then one day I overheard him telling this girl that he had a crush on this girl named Jessica. There were two Jessicas in the class, but I assumed it was me. Then because of this piece of information I started to feeling all kinds of nervous around him. Then we just started to stop talking to each other and it just got weird. I couldn't take it anymore so I wrote him a secret letter where I wrote how much I liked him and how great I thought he was. Eventually I think I revealed myself (seriously cringing so hard right now omg) to him and then we exchanged numbers. I remember awkwardly calling him and we talked. Then he moved away and I never heard from him again until a few years later when I added him on facebook. This letter thing happened again in 7th or 8th grade when I liked this guy named Tim and wrote him a poem. Then I had my brother put it in his mailbox. This is so embarrassing thinking about and recalling. I was going to do the same for this guy I later on who I liked. His name was Brian and he was so cute haha, but I decided nah better not. Good decision past self, good job.

2. Stupid sayings- A lot of dumb things I've said always come back to haunt me, but the one that has stood out to me has been making me cringe every time for the past 4 years. Freshmen year we went to get connected and I met my friend Steph's friend Dan. I will never forget the fact that he stared at my boobs that day. ANYWAY, we were talking then I said something really stupid and embarrassing I'm crying with laughter right now as I type this. He was telling me how he had been on a mission in so and so place. Then I said the following. "You're the first RM I've ever talked to!" EVERY TIME I CRINGE BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A DUMB THING TO SAY OMG WHY. Anyway, that happened. Don't worry though, there are a ton of other dumb things I've said to guys that are cringe worthy.

3. Online boyfriends- This was when I was like 12. I think I had like 2, but the one that stands out was this guy named Tyler from Kansas. I remember we talked about crop circles one day. He was so cute, but then we just stopped talking one day. This online thing was fun for me at the time getting in chat rooms and chatting with random people. I did this all the time until one day this guy called my house and it freaked me out since I had never given my number to anyone on those sites. Speaking of talking to guys online...

4. The douchebag- So I've been trying out this online dating site for about a month now. Only a month. Once it's over I'm done. Anyway, I started talking to this guy and he was pretty cool and cute and whatnot. We exchanged numbers and we planned to meet for pizza. Originally he wanted me to go over to his place and I was like lol no. The day of the so called date came and this jerk got me all excited and ready for nothing and he stood me up. So I told him dude, if you didn't want to do this you should have just told me in the first place. The stupid part of this? Trusting people too quickly. Remember kids, trust is earned, not easily handed out. I guess my not wanting to go to his place to "hang out" was a message to him that I wasn't going to be an easy hookup which I'm guessing is what he had in mind. Anyway, I'm talking to this other dude recently from that site, but ya know no expectations had by me for this one. I'm just doomed to suck in the guy department. Like I said, moral of the story don't be so trusting of people because you'll end up feeling stupid at the end.

5. Tinder- Haha, this came close to being a super stupid thing I've done, but I guess I was saved. I've written about this so I'll spare you the story. Anyway, moral of the story is don't be thirsty for attention and rely on a hook up site for that attention.

6. Yik yak meet up- So stupid thing is that I met up and hung out with a guy from this app. It wasn't really that bad because he was a decent guy, but just the fact that I met someone from this app is stupid. I think the poor guy was expecting a ncmo, but instead he got an evening of random ramblings by me.

Anyway, my fingers are tired and I wanna go watch some netflix. Adios.

Dude, chill out I never said I wanted to marry you

There's no in between in guys is there? There's either the guy who thinks if they go out with me they'll have to marry me OR the guy who just wants to get in ny pants. Why can't I meet a normal guy for once? Haha, this dating thing is tiring a girl out! 

And then I think about the whole friendzone thing and how I do that a lot. But I can't force myself to have feelings for someone I only see as a friend no matter how great of a person they are. If there isn't attraction then it won't work out. Ya know?

All this better be worth it in the end or imma be really pissed off. For reals though- being surrounded by so many mormons makes one feel like there's something wrong with you if you aren't in a relationship. Thanks BYUI! 

In other news I'm really bored this week since it's winter break. send help.

Trust no one

I trust people to not be assholes. And i seem to do that too quickly. I'm so foolish in thinking that there are actually decent people in the world. Whatever good that they have in them overshadows and blinds me from what's really there. I see the good in people all the time and it just causes me to ultimately be disappointed by everyone.

Honestly, I'm so sick of everything and everyone. Everyone I let in ends up hurting me and giving me another reason to lose trust and faith in everything. 

lol

I'm horrible at flirting, omg! But A for effort right? 

But yeah, guys. Men. Men with scruff. Oh snap. But that one guy though, that scruff and those sparkly blue eyes. Or green. Need to take a closer look. I take this new attitude as an OK to move on with my life from you know who?  Ehh? We'll have to see, I really do give up on caring so much about someone who has obviously forgotten about me. 

OH, and it's like almost 2am. Feels nice. That means I can sleep in later, yaaaaas!

Snow, thank you

There's a blizzard headed this way so no work! Ayeeeee

Do you ever just love someone but yet at the same time hate them?! Aggghh 

Why is this happening, why now? There's definately a reason for all of this right? Ha ha, very funny universe, but you can stop now. But ya know, like I've said before I'm ready for what's headed my way. Seriously though, I've cried buckets of tears over this guy. And he's really the only guy I've ever cried over. Love me again cause I'm still crazy about youuuuuu, agh. I don't know anymore cause I keep feeling and thinking different things. Yes, no, get over him, fight, etc etc. If Heavenly Father was here right now I'd be pissed. I am pissed. He tells me one thing then tells me another and leaves me to figure it out. That's unfortunately how life works. It's true what they say, you can't control who you fall in love with. But why now? There's probably no chance at all and I'll just live my days filled with regret.

Maybe my patience is being tested and everything that my gut tells me will eventually fall into place. Or maybe I'm just crazy. 

"People often forget how much they love a person — or fail to realize how much they love them — until life forces them to remember." 

and then I found another one.

"When you love someone, you can’t stop loving that person because it would require you to stop loving a part of you yourself."

oh my goodness please send help my heart aches.

Should I or nah?

You know when you get gut feelings to do stuff and despite your questioning and doubt you do it anyway? You do it despite the fact of it going against what you usually do and think. 

Gahhhh, my gut better be right or imma be super upset.

Almost there

These sisters are sorta kinda getting along now. 

Being a cat mom is hard work.

Woohooo

Music is great guys. If it took human form and was a man I would marry it so fast. 

Funny thing- whenever I work out my eyes get really red and it makes me look high. My mom came back from zumba tonight and I had just finished my workout which by the way was amazing. Anyway she comes in and she's like why do you look high? ahahaha

Anyway, today was great. I'm really apprciative of the day off today, totally needed it. Now back to my kiddos tomorrow! 

Nice little reminder, am I right? :)

Something else

One Direction is amazing and I love them so so mich and just because they're attractive, but also those voices! And singing along to them is so relaxing and makes me feel like everything's right with the world. 

Anyway, I was thinking about how I'm so worried and preoccupied about my future and what it may or may not bring. I can't really control what occurs. Yes there is agency and I decide what my future holds, but to an extent because the Lord has better plans for me than I have for myself. And I should remember that when what I think I deserve sometimes isn't what the Lord wants for me. 

On that note, I bid thee farewell. Farewell to a constant worry about the future. Goodbye to living in the past and trying to keep holding onto things that aren't there anymore. 

And here's to moving on. Whatever id in store, bring it on.

Life's great!

We had a snow day today haha. Hence no church because it was so icy out. We watched netflix all day, it was greaT. Carried the new kitty Callie, gave some love to my other baby Michela, ate some ramen, joked aroind and laighed with my madre- today was awesomesauce. Although it felt weird because we hadn't gone to church so there was that. 

Now I'm just chilling here songing along to some music with the little sos. 

I've got all I need and I'm so grateful and happy. Plus there's no internship tomorrow ;) 

Happy Sunday, here's a picture of my newest baby. Everyone's getting engaged and married and I get a cat instead- #futurecatladyofamerica

Don't you just love those moments where everything just doesn't seem so bad? It's all about the way you look at it and the mindset you develop. Be positive and the happiness will follow! 

Who's that?

My dad pretty much doesn't like me anymore cause I put on my big girl pants and told him how it was. He's been trying forever to get me and my sister to go hang out with him and his lady friend. No thanks though. No matter how hard I try I can't accept her or whatever you call it. If their relationship came to pass under different circumstances then yeah sure, but not in this picture. Anyway, enough. All in all I told him that I can't accept his relationship because I can't forgive what he did. And I told him that. And he was like "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not going to apologize for my partner now. If you ever want to talk to me you can call me or whatever, but I'm done trying to get you to accept my life now."

So yeah, that happened. Look, I don't write these things to have people pity me or whatever. I write it for me because through writing these things it's like sorting out my feelings and thoughts and in a way dumping all these worries and thoughts so they don't hurt so much. So yeah. I honestly don't care who reads what I write or what they think because this is for me. So that in the future I can look back at all of this and realize that despite all these things both good and bad- I've been blessed with experience. I'll look back one day and realize that everything was worth it and that everything I have gone through has led me to the life that the Lord has intended for me all this time. One day I'll be grateful for everything I've gone through and am going through because it is turning me into the type of person the Lord wants me to be.

For the time being though, all of this is great and all, but I don't feel complete- like I'm not achieving a level of happiness that I want to be at. Ya know? I need to get back at that level of spirituality I once was at, I seriously miss it. But the thing though is how can I have hope and faith when I've literally been torn away from at least a teeny bit of happiness. But you know what, I should at least be grateful for what I do have and for what I have been blessed with no matter how small it may seem at the time.

Like my internship for instance, it's definately a blessing. I love it. I love feeling like I'm an influence on these children I teach. I literally forget everything- all my worries and troubles literally fly away from my mind. It's nice spending these 6 hours every day being away from my thoughts and being more concerned with the well being and growth of these children and forgetting about myself. Loving these children and  feeling this concern for their well being and growth reminds me of that type of love the Lord has for us. He wants us to succeed and he wants us be happy and become the best versions of ourselves. This love for children and ability to understand them at the level that I do makes me wonder- is this love I feel for God's little children the love that the Lord feels for us?

I may sound ungrateful at times and sound like I complain, but I'm so grateful for everything because it was all been worth it and even though hard times may be ahead for me and things may not turn out like I want them to- I know in my heart that the Lord will help me through it all. I'm sorry that I've forgotten about the Lord lately, I'm sorry that I've been an ungrateful person and so preoccupied with myself. I'm sorry for forgetting all that I've been blessed with. I'm sorry for being so impatient with your timing. 

The church is true and no matter how the world may say otherwise with all this science and new ways of thought- my knowledge about the church and especially about the reality of His love will never be changed. No matter how I may fight it sometimes and may want to give up- that knowledge that the Lord loves us and that He is here with us always and is mindful of us will never change in my heart. My testimony of this gospel is forever engraven in my heart.

<3

No naptime in college

So here I am at my internship cause there's free time since it's nap gime. When I told this one little girl there's no nap time at college she was like "that's so unfair!" Same, I feel the sane way dude. Anywho, they're all adorable little humans. They all remind me of my little sister when she was in Head Start. With their little leggings and cute backpacks, aw. Yo, my kids are going to be so cute. I was one cute child when I was their age. Can't wait to buy little cute outfits and little shoes and dress them all cute. 

The cool thing about my internship site is I get to eat with them since it's a family style setting and as teachers we lead by example. So free food! And apparently I get a ride home too since one child lives in my apartment complex. Life is great. 

All that's left is that last missing piece  which is what I've been so preoccupied with for the last year and a half. But you know what- I've prepared myself for the worst. If I don't get this second chance with this amazing person I was so dumb to screw it up with the first time, I'll be fine with it. If it wasn't meant to work out then oh well. But my gut tells me it somehow will, but then again my gut has misled me too many times so who knows? Plus I feel like I don't deserve him. He's seriously too good and he deserves the best. These past two years I've changed a lot and I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone as spritual as he is. To be honest though, everything really went downhill since he was out of my life. My gut and every fiber of my being says that everything will work out and I get hopeful and happy and whatnot then I'm reminded of stupid things and I lose hope.

I hate myself right now, I really do in terms of this dilemma. Because if it turns out the complete opposite I know I'll live through it, but I'll literally die inside. It'll be like every emotion that I have will be stripped and I'll turn into an emotionless robot. I hate this whole unknown future thing, I wanna know what's going to happen! 

Will I turn into a cat lady or will I end up happy and with the one guy who was it this whole time and I was too dumb to realize it at the moment? Like what if this is all in my head? 

I'm actually going towards the cat lady bit since I'm getting another cat. My sister and I chose either Lana or Callipoe for her. We'll see. (I was aiming towards calling her Beyonce, but my idea was turned down, haha)  

This is my next adoptive daughter guys. I see her Saturday!!

Lord give me patience!

People I went to high school with are getting married and it's super weird because I grew up with them and watched them do stupid stuff and then all of a sudden this happens. Stop, you're still a child. 

I really don't get why people are getting married everywhere all of a sudden- is the universe just trying to piss me off or something? Ahahaha yeah so funny you sure got me. Fine, everyone just get married, I'll just get another cat see if I care! Which by the way is a huge possibility anyway since this guy who's moving away is giving us a cat if we want her. Hopefully it works out :)

Anywho, I should be sleeping because my first day at my internship is tomorrow. How do I feel you may ask? Nervous. Excited. But mostly just nervous. Ahdhjgdhjncxbh! 

See you in my dreams!

At the end of the day everything just ends with him in mind. Thus causing me to dream about him and cry of happiness in my sleep because he appears in my dreams. This is serioudly getting weird.

But seriously though

I can't stop thinking about what I had. He's seriously all I think about every second of every single day. It would be great if the universe was on my side for once and let me have another chance to be with him again. There must be a reason for all this non stop thinking of him for a reason, right? But seriously though I can't see myself with anyone but him. Maybe I'm crazy and am attached to the past or there's something there. I don't know. 

I wish I could know if I should move on because I've been like this for a while now. Aaagh, porque! Just let me knowww!

Ok. I lied

The start of 2015 is here and we're already at the 5th day of it. How is it going you may ask? Grand actually, thanks for asking. I'm all set and ready to go for my internship a week from today. I have all paperwork in and reference letters checked and the course added- life is great cause I actually feel like I'm going somewhere and getting something accomplished. My brother gets back from his mission in March, my best friend Mike gets back in April, I'm tackling 12 online credits spring semester, possible one direction concert in August followed by the 5sos concert in September, and finally graduating college in December, yaaaas.

I actually don't really know what to write about- I'm suffering from writer's block. Life is pretty great. I mean I'm accomplishing my goals in the career and academic sense, still as single as a pringle, but whatever I honestly don't even care anymore. The way that my love life is looking, I'm content with being single forever with my house full of cats. Ugh, such a disappointment. You know what though, I'm done with my expectations. Who cares if I date a non member. All my successful relationships were with non members anyway. No longer will I discriminate based on religion dating wise because to be honest, some non member guys are 100 times better than a member guy. Exhibit A: just take a look at a majority of the guys up at school- judgmental horny guys. This expands my dating options by a ton hahahaha.

Ohhhh, I know what I'll write about! This is taken from an almost experience that happened last semester. I looked into the whole Tinder thing to see what all the fuss was about and I started communicating with this guy. He was pretty fine too, scruff and perfect 10 smile. Anyway, during that time I was going through a "screw this I'll do whatever I want" stage and came so close to what I believed to be an ncmo with this guy, but he had other things on his mind too so I chickened out. Then I really found out what Tinder was used for which was casual sex basically. Haha, I was so close to doing something I would regret later on. Anyway, at least I have an interesting story to tell out of it, but he was really gorgeous though omg.

Anyway my point is and I'm going to let it all out- is waiting and being good really worth it? Cause I feel like I lead a bland life. Yes I'm getting stuff done, but there is no fun. Sometimes I feel as if I'm waiting around for something that will never come, that I'm wasting these years of my life being the goody goody that everyone expects me to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm being held back out of my fear for God and my want to never disappoint him again. But sometimes it feels like I've been forgotten or something. I know that I should be grateful for what I have and that he does play a part in my life by giving me small miracles and a helping hand, but it's not enough. I feel like I'm not living life to the fullest. People have been so disappointing and fake for a while now and all of this has really put a dent on my own faith. I don't know what to believe anymore, but deep in my heart I know what I've known all my life is true and no matter how disappointed and unfaithful I may be that the church and all its teachings are true. It's not what the church teaches that makes me this way in going through a rough patch of faith, but a majority of it is the actual people. BYUI for example, that place has really ruined it for me. So many fake people. So. many. I'm glad I'm taking spring off and doing it at home instead. But getting back to the level of spiritual that I was once at is so hard and I want to get there again. Baby steps.

Enough of that. You know what was really disappointing? The 3rd hobbit movie. That was really disappointing to me. I thought it was going to be super bad ass, but I guess not. I feel like the movie was rushed and everything happened way too fast. Oh well.

I feel weird not going back to Rexburg till September. I feel like I'll miss out on something there. I won't. I don't have a job or anything to hold me there. My life is here in NY. Seriously can't wait to be 100% out of that school. On another note, I decided what I'm gonna do. Graduate, take a year off working and getting health stuff figured out (like a tendon transfer/transplant) hopefully, and just enjoying myself. Then get my masters online. Hopefully it all works out!

Gonna go get some food, I'm starving.

Ayeeee it's 2015

I promise i'll post something deep and awesome later-- it's 3am and i need sleep.

Happy new year to the kids out there, stay in school!

My cat is perfection <3