1. handsome murderers...I really wouldn't mind being murdered by an unbelievably handsome murderer. It gives me a rush of adrenaline thinking about it. Maybe not murdered, perhaps abducted. I really wouldn't care what he did with me.
Haha, I'm obsessed.
Note: Currently watching a movie with the most unbelievably handsome murderer named Richard.
Rsyjtgsatkcddxhyswfj, WHY IS HE SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD LOOKING!?
OH MY GOOOOOOOSH.
Aww, he just died.
What a waste of a handsome face.
I gotta chill.
This obsession with murderous men is kinda creeping me out.
But seriously, I can't wait to be in my twenties and go out with men.
Not teenagers, but men.
More mature. more experience,
They are more into commitment- depending on the guy. Most teenage guys just want a good time, just the concept of having a girlfriend and feeling wanted. They want to be, what's the word? Free.
I'm not young anymore.
Only 19, but I feel older than my age.
I want to finish college, graduate, be successful. Sounds great right?
But what always plays in my mind is being part of the Mormon stereotype.
Get married in my early twenties and start a family.
But I want my degree too.
But just because I might get married in college; especially the college known for its marriages doesn't mean I won't.
Also, not everyone gets married while in college.
My YW leader; she attended BYUI too back when it was Ricks College, got married way after college.
I'm just crazy I guess.
Typical Mormon girl.
Oh well, gotta live with it.
Oh,
2. Guys with mustaches. Totally depends though.
On guys,
ehhhhh.
BUT ON ATTRACTIVE MEN
:)
Haha, so weird.
The night is deadly
It really is.
Here I am, trying to watch a bit of Grease before dozing off, but no.
Everything rushes back.
Everything. From the beginning to the end.
Dear heart,
Just stop.
You're driving me crazy.
Dear brain,
Stop bringing these memories back.
They hurt to remember.
No matter how many times I tell myself to get over this, at the randomest moments it'll all come to mind. With whatever I do- always in the back of my mind.
Here I am, trying to watch a bit of Grease before dozing off, but no.
Everything rushes back.
Everything. From the beginning to the end.
Dear heart,
Just stop.
You're driving me crazy.
Dear brain,
Stop bringing these memories back.
They hurt to remember.
No matter how many times I tell myself to get over this, at the randomest moments it'll all come to mind. With whatever I do- always in the back of my mind.
What a distraction
Church was pretty awesome. Actually, more than awesome- GREAT, SPECTACULAR, MAGNIFICANT.
Not only did my moms friend (who's investigating the church) come to church again, but I translated again for the Spanish speaking brothers and sisters. Why would doing something so simple bring me such joy? Cause it's service. It helps bring your spirits up.
It's also amazing how little actions such as a smile, a word, or even a quick glance can make you feel alive and make you forget yourself.
Gotta love them missionaries, but off limits.
I can still talk to them, right?
Hahaha.
Not only did my moms friend (who's investigating the church) come to church again, but I translated again for the Spanish speaking brothers and sisters. Why would doing something so simple bring me such joy? Cause it's service. It helps bring your spirits up.
It's also amazing how little actions such as a smile, a word, or even a quick glance can make you feel alive and make you forget yourself.
Gotta love them missionaries, but off limits.
I can still talk to them, right?
Hahaha.
It's like 1 in the morning and I'm not tired at all, but I gotta be well rested tomorrow....later today. Church :)
Ya know that anticipation when you're looking forward to seeing someone?
Yeah.
I'm always looking forward every Sunday to see the missionaries.
They just radiate this spirit and glow that makes you feel very happy.
And talking to them is like heavenly.
Goodnight.
Good morning?
Ya know that anticipation when you're looking forward to seeing someone?
Yeah.
I'm always looking forward every Sunday to see the missionaries.
They just radiate this spirit and glow that makes you feel very happy.
And talking to them is like heavenly.
Goodnight.
Good morning?
I'm glad Elvis Crespo decided to cut his hair. Now he looks less creepy!
THEN.
NOW.
So much better right?
A nice voice like that shouldn't go with creepy long hair. Long hair on guys is so unattractive. Actually, I guess it depends on the guy too. Wait, no. JUST KIDDING. Long hair on a guy =NO.
The type of music he sings is merengue. Catchy, yes?
I now understand why parties growing up were so crazy.
I remember going to parties with my parents. I'd put a dress on, shiny shoes, and on rare occasions my mom would let me put on lipstick. These outings started since I was like 6. We would go to parties that a family member would throw and we would all go. Most of these were thrown in the city. By all I mean EVERYONE. Aunts, uncles, cousins, even family members I didn't even know existed. And this music would go on and everyone would go crazy. Me and my brother would just sit there, watching everyone get crazy and wild. Pretty sure the alcohol played an effect on these crazy hooligans too.
I remember this one time I was sitting there, being really bore and all of a sudden this guy goes up to me and asks me to dance. I freeze. First of all, I had no idea whatsoever how to dance like they did. It was like everyone went to some dance classes in preparation for the party. And second, he was like WHOA. Tall, muscly, attractive, pony tail hanging on the back of his head... I was in shock. Me? Why me?
I saw the girls he danced with- tight dresses, puffy hair, high heels. I saw the way they danced. All sensual and crazy. The way he looked at them, with so much concern that they don't fall and are enjoying themselves, he was just wow. And to be honest, it looked kinda fun. But me? In some tacky silver heels and some kiddy dress? PLUS, I was only like 10 or 12, I don't really remember. I still remember the way he leaned over, his hand extended- as if saying "may I have this dance?" I was speechless.
Then my dad saw this and said no, I can't dance with him and for the rest of the night I just sat there. Being bored. The only guy I danced with that night was my dad. So lame.
Then my family tore part and these outings were gone. If they were still going on, I'd be having spare feet every weekend and a hot, hispanic, dance partner.
HAHA.
Fast forward to my graduation party.
So my aunt decides to throw me a graduation/going away to college party and I'm like "Haha, just another excuse to get drunk." And I hate attention put on just me. I hate being put in the spotlight, but graciously I accept this and go. And take my best friend with me to make things bearable.
I end up getting forced to dance with ALL the guys that came that night. It would have been great and all, but these were like old guys. Friends of my aunt, my uncle, my mom's cousin, and who knows who else and what relation they had. BUT there was this one guy. In an older guy kinda way, he wasn't so bad. Funny, sweet, cute. He was in like his late twenties I think or early thirties. We danced and it was over and I went back to my little space where Tiffany was sitting. Then I ask my mom who this handsome stranger was. Turns out he's not only married and with kids, but he's also my cousin.
Then my song comes on and everyone gets crazy. The one by pitbull, "bon bon".
I grab Tiffany, my little sister, and my cousin and away we went.
Getting the courage to go out there in front of everyone was scary. All these what ifs and images of me tripping on my feet played in my head, but all was well and that's that.
I wish I had taken those opportunities and all these family parties I've been to since I was little to just let loose without a care in the world. New mission: Take opportunities when they come. Do what makes me happy no matter how stupid I may look.
NOW, I am so pumped for next month.
My aunt (I have like 6) and her boyfriend invited my mom to a party in the city. And my mom wants me to go. Of course I'm going. Putting my new dance moves to the test. I might meet a nice, handsome, hispanic, tall dancer. Haha, doubt it since this is going to be like another family party and the same thing that happened at my graduation party could repeat itself. But you never know right?
Yes sireeeee.
NOW.
So much better right?
A nice voice like that shouldn't go with creepy long hair. Long hair on guys is so unattractive. Actually, I guess it depends on the guy too. Wait, no. JUST KIDDING. Long hair on a guy =NO.
The type of music he sings is merengue. Catchy, yes?
I now understand why parties growing up were so crazy.
I remember going to parties with my parents. I'd put a dress on, shiny shoes, and on rare occasions my mom would let me put on lipstick. These outings started since I was like 6. We would go to parties that a family member would throw and we would all go. Most of these were thrown in the city. By all I mean EVERYONE. Aunts, uncles, cousins, even family members I didn't even know existed. And this music would go on and everyone would go crazy. Me and my brother would just sit there, watching everyone get crazy and wild. Pretty sure the alcohol played an effect on these crazy hooligans too.
I remember this one time I was sitting there, being really bore and all of a sudden this guy goes up to me and asks me to dance. I freeze. First of all, I had no idea whatsoever how to dance like they did. It was like everyone went to some dance classes in preparation for the party. And second, he was like WHOA. Tall, muscly, attractive, pony tail hanging on the back of his head... I was in shock. Me? Why me?
I saw the girls he danced with- tight dresses, puffy hair, high heels. I saw the way they danced. All sensual and crazy. The way he looked at them, with so much concern that they don't fall and are enjoying themselves, he was just wow. And to be honest, it looked kinda fun. But me? In some tacky silver heels and some kiddy dress? PLUS, I was only like 10 or 12, I don't really remember. I still remember the way he leaned over, his hand extended- as if saying "may I have this dance?" I was speechless.
Then my dad saw this and said no, I can't dance with him and for the rest of the night I just sat there. Being bored. The only guy I danced with that night was my dad. So lame.
Then my family tore part and these outings were gone. If they were still going on, I'd be having spare feet every weekend and a hot, hispanic, dance partner.
HAHA.
Fast forward to my graduation party.
So my aunt decides to throw me a graduation/going away to college party and I'm like "Haha, just another excuse to get drunk." And I hate attention put on just me. I hate being put in the spotlight, but graciously I accept this and go. And take my best friend with me to make things bearable.
I end up getting forced to dance with ALL the guys that came that night. It would have been great and all, but these were like old guys. Friends of my aunt, my uncle, my mom's cousin, and who knows who else and what relation they had. BUT there was this one guy. In an older guy kinda way, he wasn't so bad. Funny, sweet, cute. He was in like his late twenties I think or early thirties. We danced and it was over and I went back to my little space where Tiffany was sitting. Then I ask my mom who this handsome stranger was. Turns out he's not only married and with kids, but he's also my cousin.
Then my song comes on and everyone gets crazy. The one by pitbull, "bon bon".
I grab Tiffany, my little sister, and my cousin and away we went.
Getting the courage to go out there in front of everyone was scary. All these what ifs and images of me tripping on my feet played in my head, but all was well and that's that.
I wish I had taken those opportunities and all these family parties I've been to since I was little to just let loose without a care in the world. New mission: Take opportunities when they come. Do what makes me happy no matter how stupid I may look.
NOW, I am so pumped for next month.
My aunt (I have like 6) and her boyfriend invited my mom to a party in the city. And my mom wants me to go. Of course I'm going. Putting my new dance moves to the test. I might meet a nice, handsome, hispanic, tall dancer. Haha, doubt it since this is going to be like another family party and the same thing that happened at my graduation party could repeat itself. But you never know right?
Yes sireeeee.
Mueve la cadera
Dude, this is amazing. I have never ever felt such a rush while doing this. And no, it's not drugs.
It started with zumba, which by the way is so fun and whoa. It makes you forget things and loose yourself. I always saw the commercials and stuff and saw how the people danced, and I'm like "no way I'm doing that". But I did and I can do it. Now I'm obsessed with not only the infectiousness of it, but also latin music in general. Unlike the other type, like luis fonsi and all those romantic ballad singers, it's traditional. Like merengue and salsa. Flamenco is hard to do though, to much seriousness.
Here's one VERY amazing beat. Oh my gosh, where do I start.
Oh, and this one!
It started with zumba, which by the way is so fun and whoa. It makes you forget things and loose yourself. I always saw the commercials and stuff and saw how the people danced, and I'm like "no way I'm doing that". But I did and I can do it. Now I'm obsessed with not only the infectiousness of it, but also latin music in general. Unlike the other type, like luis fonsi and all those romantic ballad singers, it's traditional. Like merengue and salsa. Flamenco is hard to do though, to much seriousness.
Here's one VERY amazing beat. Oh my gosh, where do I start.
Oh, and this one!
I was like whoa, I can actually move like that.
I'm definitely going to Latin Night spring semester.
This is too much fun.
Seriously, what's cool is that this breakup is not really affecting me.
I'm actually happy about it. Now I can spend more time on myself and discovering new things that interest me without feeling like I had a weight on my shoulders when it comes to maintaining a relationship. I'm staying single for a while. Forget guys for now.
Ah geeze, I need to go dry my hair. I leave at 12:00 and I have 20 minutes to eat lunch, get ready, and go to work in this rain. Oh boy.
Last minute rambles
The worst thing for me is being alone and in the quiet and laying in the dark. Because I think too much and it hurts my head. And I come close to letting it all out, but I can't. Thanks a lot. Now I feel like what anon said; a selfish self centered person.
Like the worst person ever. But then there's that voice of reason telling me otherwise.
I am the way I am. A single post I ramble on about an ex and how I saw it shouldn't determine who I am or not. I can figure things out like that on my own, thanks.
I honestly don't care who reads this. It's my fricking blog and I can write whatever the heck I want so anon, don't you dare say anything about me sounding selfish.
I won't admit it, but I know perfectly well who that is. The evidence is there. Pretty easy to figure it out.
First off, there was no honesty. So basically everything leading up to what happened was a lie? Every word. That's what hurts the most. Oh, and being led on and made a fool by pouring my heart out and having it twisted into a mess of unidentifiable pieces.
I might have been careless, I know and I recognized that. But I explained. I guess that wasn't enough.
But you broke your promise.
By not telling me how you were feeling and telling me what bugged you about me, you were not honest. You bottled up emotion and this is the end result.
I'm leaving you behind. I'll take the memories with me- cause that's how I want to remember you by.
I wish everything for you. I just couldn't imagine you'd hurt me by your silence.
Seriously, don't bottle things up. Don't be afraid to say what's on your mind or to be different. Or sound weird. Or strange. After all, life is much more interesting that way.
Dang it.
Ughhhh, can I just be an amoeba and not have to worry about things like this?
I've made it a tradition to get a new look with every breakup I go through.
Unlike last time, I'm not going to be as dramatic. It's my official way of getting over someone.
Can I be three again?
I see the kids I work with everyday and sit as they nap, and just think about how innocent they are. They have no idea how messed up life can get. Each and everyone of them will cry over someone, will fall in love, will hate life one minute and love it the next. But for now they don't have to worry about things like that.
That's why I want to be three; to be able not to care.
Because frankly, I mess up everything and I just don't want to care anymore. I'm tired of being the nice one.
But like my mom says, "como mujer, tienes que valorarte."
And I will by not caring about guys. Every single guy; no matter what stage in life they are, need to man up.
And I need to grow up.
This isn't high school anymore.
For now, just worry about yourself and not about pleasing others.
Peace out girl scout.
Like the worst person ever. But then there's that voice of reason telling me otherwise.
I am the way I am. A single post I ramble on about an ex and how I saw it shouldn't determine who I am or not. I can figure things out like that on my own, thanks.
I honestly don't care who reads this. It's my fricking blog and I can write whatever the heck I want so anon, don't you dare say anything about me sounding selfish.
I won't admit it, but I know perfectly well who that is. The evidence is there. Pretty easy to figure it out.
First off, there was no honesty. So basically everything leading up to what happened was a lie? Every word. That's what hurts the most. Oh, and being led on and made a fool by pouring my heart out and having it twisted into a mess of unidentifiable pieces.
I might have been careless, I know and I recognized that. But I explained. I guess that wasn't enough.
But you broke your promise.
By not telling me how you were feeling and telling me what bugged you about me, you were not honest. You bottled up emotion and this is the end result.
I'm leaving you behind. I'll take the memories with me- cause that's how I want to remember you by.
I wish everything for you. I just couldn't imagine you'd hurt me by your silence.
Seriously, don't bottle things up. Don't be afraid to say what's on your mind or to be different. Or sound weird. Or strange. After all, life is much more interesting that way.
Dang it.
Ughhhh, can I just be an amoeba and not have to worry about things like this?
I've made it a tradition to get a new look with every breakup I go through.
Unlike last time, I'm not going to be as dramatic. It's my official way of getting over someone.
Can I be three again?
I see the kids I work with everyday and sit as they nap, and just think about how innocent they are. They have no idea how messed up life can get. Each and everyone of them will cry over someone, will fall in love, will hate life one minute and love it the next. But for now they don't have to worry about things like that.
That's why I want to be three; to be able not to care.
Because frankly, I mess up everything and I just don't want to care anymore. I'm tired of being the nice one.
But like my mom says, "como mujer, tienes que valorarte."
And I will by not caring about guys. Every single guy; no matter what stage in life they are, need to man up.
And I need to grow up.
This isn't high school anymore.
For now, just worry about yourself and not about pleasing others.
Peace out girl scout.
lets get rich and give everyone nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Last night was intense and whoever posted that comment was right, I did sound selfish and self centered.
But whoever posted it, wow.
It's true though, I only looked at it through my eyes and didn't consider the other side. I was just angry. Like my metaphorical way of crying.
It's for the best though. We're both going separate ways right now and have things to do. It was getting too complicated. Like they say, everything happens for a reason. I'm a strong person, if I got over my past relationships, I can get over this one. I just gotta stop making making such a big deal. When you really love someone, you want what's best for them, even if it means not being with you.
Gotta learn to take my own advice and learn from the lessons that life brings.
-let go, it's for the best
-don't take people for granted
-think of others not just yourself
-get over it because it happened for a reason
-don't be so dramatic
-don't test a guy because it will end up messy
-life goes on
-don't feel like you have to rush into things, there's time
-don't make commitments unless you are 100% sure
-don't hold grudges
-and above all, learn from your mistakes and work to fix them so it doesn't happen again
It's funny how a night's sleep can change our whole outlook on things.
First things first though, I gotta work on myself first. And like Cainan says, stop having such high expectations when it comes to guys. And I'm sorry for being so overdramatic and making you feel like crap last semester. And for everything else. Hopefully everything goes well for you. Really. This relationship taught me so much and the way it ended was for the best, I know. Sometimes people are better off as friends. And like you said, we're both young. We shouldn't limit ourselves to one person now. Totally understandable. Life goes on, but I just wish he was honest with me about his feelings. Oh well. Can't do anything about it, move on.
Anyway.
I took up dancing. It's so much fun. I never really knew my body could move like it does when I dance. I always saw myself as some form of dysfunctional person because of what I have, but I guess not. When I dance, like when I sing, clears my head and only focuses my mind on that one thing- the steps, the music, the lyrics, the sound. This zumba thing is crazy. Like seriously. Crazy, but so much fun.
Best song there is. Dancing to this is like being in a trance. Like seriously.
This new semester will consist of partying and enjoying myself. And school of course.
This breakup is good then.
I need time for myself and not feeling like I have to please others.
But whoever posted it, wow.
It's true though, I only looked at it through my eyes and didn't consider the other side. I was just angry. Like my metaphorical way of crying.
It's for the best though. We're both going separate ways right now and have things to do. It was getting too complicated. Like they say, everything happens for a reason. I'm a strong person, if I got over my past relationships, I can get over this one. I just gotta stop making making such a big deal. When you really love someone, you want what's best for them, even if it means not being with you.
Gotta learn to take my own advice and learn from the lessons that life brings.
-let go, it's for the best
-don't take people for granted
-think of others not just yourself
-get over it because it happened for a reason
-don't be so dramatic
-don't test a guy because it will end up messy
-life goes on
-don't feel like you have to rush into things, there's time
-don't make commitments unless you are 100% sure
-don't hold grudges
-and above all, learn from your mistakes and work to fix them so it doesn't happen again
It's funny how a night's sleep can change our whole outlook on things.
First things first though, I gotta work on myself first. And like Cainan says, stop having such high expectations when it comes to guys. And I'm sorry for being so overdramatic and making you feel like crap last semester. And for everything else. Hopefully everything goes well for you. Really. This relationship taught me so much and the way it ended was for the best, I know. Sometimes people are better off as friends. And like you said, we're both young. We shouldn't limit ourselves to one person now. Totally understandable. Life goes on, but I just wish he was honest with me about his feelings. Oh well. Can't do anything about it, move on.
Anyway.
I took up dancing. It's so much fun. I never really knew my body could move like it does when I dance. I always saw myself as some form of dysfunctional person because of what I have, but I guess not. When I dance, like when I sing, clears my head and only focuses my mind on that one thing- the steps, the music, the lyrics, the sound. This zumba thing is crazy. Like seriously. Crazy, but so much fun.
Best song there is. Dancing to this is like being in a trance. Like seriously.
This new semester will consist of partying and enjoying myself. And school of course.
This breakup is good then.
I need time for myself and not feeling like I have to please others.
I guess it's time to get crazy. hahahahahahahahahahaha
Just not too crazy ;)
i hate getting the peanut shells on my keyboard because they get impossible to get out
It's freaky how right mothers are about things.It's like they're witches are something because let me tell you, my mom has been right about everything. From school to friends and even boyfriends.
Speaking of which -
I need to write things down in order to get my thoughts in order. Cause what just happened like an hour ago was like getting hit by a bus while crossing a street, but yet having a gut feeling you were going to get hit but you choose to ignore it because you're so sure things like this don't happen to you.
But it did.
For once, a guy broke up with me.
It feels weird though. I don't know how to react. Should I start crying, should I be upset and angry?
I'm fine though. Still in a sorta state of shock, but overall I guess I'm fine. But knowing me... oh boy.
Sitting on my bed, in my pjs, itunes on, and munching on peanuts. While answering "Are you ok?", "What happened?", "Why are you single?" texts. Seriously, I'm fine. Although, it's nice that I have friends who care about me. Like the saying says "guys come and go, but true friends remain."
I've been through so many hard things in my life, a break up is nothing compared to those.
If a guy can't see through an obstacle like long distance, then to me it means that he didn't feel the same as I felt for him, not on the same page. If you can't see through something like long distance, to me that means that you can't really deal with hard things, you just give up. I don't need a guy like that. I need a guy who is willing to stick around when things get hard. Yet another thing to add onto my list of qualities I want in a guy.
On the other hand, it's my doing too.
I didn't take my own advice and took him for granted fall semester. Thing is, I like to test people. I wanted to see if despite how I acted, if he'd stick around. He did, for a while then poof- gone.
You learn from your mistakes and even your relationships.
Next time, I gotta learn that testing guys is not very smart. Or perhaps, maybe, find a guy that can pass my tests with flying colors. And of course, don't take him for granted. Remember that Jess, for next time :)
What bums me out though is that I saw him as the perfect guy for me. But if it didn't work out, the Lord has something better planned. That's actually very exciting. Being friends is fine, it's just going to take time to process. I need to get over it because no matter how many times I say I'm fine, I'm not over it. I've never loved someone like I loved him. Hopefully it's fast and painless. Maybe I kinda scared him off with the amount of commitment I was willing to put in. I was dead serious too.
" Don't be so quick to give your heart away because someone will take it and throw it away."
But oh well, if he feels like that I can't stop him. There's a reason for everything. There's someone better out there for me, that's kinda hard to accept, but I'll get to accept that eventually.
I need to focus on getting my spirituality on track, school, and basically working to improve myself in every way. Not only to feel better about life in general, but to perfect myself for the Lord and for that someone out there some where who can love me despite everything.
I still want to be friends and stuff, it's just gonna take time.
There's one very important aspect that he taught me and that I'll always be grateful for. His example to prepare himself for his mission motivated me to improve myself.
Basically the song of my life. Describes it perfectly. Singing it gives me such a musical high :)
"The spaces between your fingers were created so someone else’s could fill them. After a break-up we realize that that persons didn't fit the way it was supposed too."
lol, so dramatic.
But I'm serious.
I'm letting everything go and I'll work at trying to forget. Lesson learned; don't fall in love with someone who leaves when things get hard.
And that's that.
The end of this love story.
Speaking of which -
I need to write things down in order to get my thoughts in order. Cause what just happened like an hour ago was like getting hit by a bus while crossing a street, but yet having a gut feeling you were going to get hit but you choose to ignore it because you're so sure things like this don't happen to you.
But it did.
For once, a guy broke up with me.
It feels weird though. I don't know how to react. Should I start crying, should I be upset and angry?
I'm fine though. Still in a sorta state of shock, but overall I guess I'm fine. But knowing me... oh boy.
Sitting on my bed, in my pjs, itunes on, and munching on peanuts. While answering "Are you ok?", "What happened?", "Why are you single?" texts. Seriously, I'm fine. Although, it's nice that I have friends who care about me. Like the saying says "guys come and go, but true friends remain."
I've been through so many hard things in my life, a break up is nothing compared to those.
If a guy can't see through an obstacle like long distance, then to me it means that he didn't feel the same as I felt for him, not on the same page. If you can't see through something like long distance, to me that means that you can't really deal with hard things, you just give up. I don't need a guy like that. I need a guy who is willing to stick around when things get hard. Yet another thing to add onto my list of qualities I want in a guy.
On the other hand, it's my doing too.
I didn't take my own advice and took him for granted fall semester. Thing is, I like to test people. I wanted to see if despite how I acted, if he'd stick around. He did, for a while then poof- gone.
You learn from your mistakes and even your relationships.
Next time, I gotta learn that testing guys is not very smart. Or perhaps, maybe, find a guy that can pass my tests with flying colors. And of course, don't take him for granted. Remember that Jess, for next time :)
What bums me out though is that I saw him as the perfect guy for me. But if it didn't work out, the Lord has something better planned. That's actually very exciting. Being friends is fine, it's just going to take time to process. I need to get over it because no matter how many times I say I'm fine, I'm not over it. I've never loved someone like I loved him. Hopefully it's fast and painless. Maybe I kinda scared him off with the amount of commitment I was willing to put in. I was dead serious too.
" Don't be so quick to give your heart away because someone will take it and throw it away."
But oh well, if he feels like that I can't stop him. There's a reason for everything. There's someone better out there for me, that's kinda hard to accept, but I'll get to accept that eventually.
I need to focus on getting my spirituality on track, school, and basically working to improve myself in every way. Not only to feel better about life in general, but to perfect myself for the Lord and for that someone out there some where who can love me despite everything.
I still want to be friends and stuff, it's just gonna take time.
There's one very important aspect that he taught me and that I'll always be grateful for. His example to prepare himself for his mission motivated me to improve myself.
Basically the song of my life. Describes it perfectly. Singing it gives me such a musical high :)
"The spaces between your fingers were created so someone else’s could fill them. After a break-up we realize that that persons didn't fit the way it was supposed too."
lol, so dramatic.
But I'm serious.
I'm letting everything go and I'll work at trying to forget. Lesson learned; don't fall in love with someone who leaves when things get hard.
And that's that.
The end of this love story.
Who would have thought
Work was really exhausting today. Try getting hyperactive 3 year olds to take a nap, now that requires patience. And lots of it too.
On other news, my brother just went to the hospital. We suspect food poisoning. I really just think it's the stomach virus, but no one listens to me. Not until I'm a doctor of some sort. haha
I hope he's ok. He's been throwing up all afternoon non stop. He looks so miserable too. Well that's life for you buddy.
I am the greatest over reactor ever. I need to fix that. I always think the worst and don't expect myself to be happy because I always think something will go wrong with whatever I'm doing. I always think of the worst and don't see that what I'm imagining in my overactive brain won't happen. But I also have to accept that they might too.
I really don't know what's the matter with me lately. Am I just stressed out? What is it? Because lately I've been the most impatient, quick to get angry type of person and I'm usually not like that.
I guess it's just that I'm trying to not miss Cainan too much and show it to everyone. I am a strong individual and I do pretty good in hiding my emotions from others. But this is hard, trying to keep a long distance relationship. I can't know what he's doing because of our schedules and that makes it hard to talk to each other. I can't see into his eyes like I did and see if he was being honest with me. All in all, I just miss him way too much and for the first time I'm seeing how hard relationships are to maintain. I just don't want our busy list of things to do slowly bring us apart and then I lose him. I just feel like it's my fault and I need to do something, but I don't know what. I don't know how this works. In my 19 years of existence, he's the only guy I've met who I'm in love with.
I have the biggest trouble in the world telling others how I feel. I guess it's just trust issues that have carried over to me after so many years ago when I grew up not trusting anybody because I always came out getting hurt. I wish I could trust all these amazing people in my life, but somehow I can't. I trust my mom and even my dad, my brother and my sister. From a young age, I have grown to learn not to trust anybody too much because no matter what someone means to you, somehow you will end up getting hurt. I think that's what I'm trying to prevent by not showing emotion and communicating my feelings to others. It just comes to show you how much your experiences as a young child will have on your adult life and the way you see things.The problem is I can never bring myself to share what I'm feeling with him. I try, but I also try not to give too much emotion away just in case. I love my friends, but I never know when they'll turn back on me. I love Cainan, so much, but how can I really know to completely trust him with all these emotions I have for him? I just don't want to make myself too vulnerable and get hurt in the end.
I'm sorry I can't tell you these things Cainan, it's just hard for me to.
Not just to you, but to everyone.
I'm sorry you have to deal with such an emotional wreck as me. And thank you for doing so. That's why I have grown to love you so much. You're one of the few people in my life that are capable of doing such a thing.
That's also why I love writing so much. I can write anything down and not get a response. I trust my writing to not hurt me.
I've gone through so much in my life.
Abuse, disability, sickness, heartache, a torn family, betrayal- at this point the only person I trust more than anything is the Lord. He will always be there to listen, He knows what's in my heart, how I feel. He will never hurt me. The Gospel is my life. It has been there to keep me strong and to help me through all these trials. I mess up so much, but He will always love me no matter what and that is the greatest love there is. My Savior is my rock. I fail though at showing my gratitude for all He does for me, but that's going to change.
I need a stronger relationship with you Lord and I'm sorry for not being the person you want me to be. I'm trying, but it's really hard. You put so many trials in my life. I know they're nothing compared to what other people go through that's more serious than my troubles. I know you will never put anything in my life that I won't be able to handle. I know everything I'm going through will make me into the strongest women that I hope to be someday. I love you so much, above anything and everyone. You are the greatest friend I will ever have. I hate feeling like I've disappointed you. I promise with all the love of my heart and every ounce of trust I have for you that I will better myself. I will show you greater gratitude. Graditude for everything that you've done for me. Please help me through these trials. Help me understand they're for my own good and spiritual growth. Help me keep the Spirit. Help me understand. Help me be strong in times of weakness.
Without Him and His Gospel I'd be dead. All the tribulation I've done through would have eventually killed me. That's why I'm so thankful everyday, although I may not say it, I always carry that gratefulness in my heart.
The Gospel saved my life.
Living the childhood I did really screwed up my life in every single way possible.
Emotionally, mentally, and even physically.
But the Gospel saved me from myself. It saved me from letting all my trials get the best of me.
Although I feel at times that they are getting the best of me, it is my promise to let the Lord be the most important person in my lie. I will work so hard to do so.
No other church, no other religion preaches the unlimited love the Lord has for us.
He loves each if us so much and He wants the best for us. He will perfect us in whatever way to allow us to go live with Him again.
I never really planned this, but this is my testimony. I testify that the Lord loves us. I testify that He puts these trials in our lives to make us stronger individuals. I truly believe with all my heart that the true Gospel of Jesus Christ is here on the Earth because of the blessings it has had in my life. Love the Lord, be grateful for everything He does for you. Do everything you can to perfect yourself.
I say these things with absolutely no doubt in my heart, in the name of our Savior; Jesus Christ
Amen.
On other news, my brother just went to the hospital. We suspect food poisoning. I really just think it's the stomach virus, but no one listens to me. Not until I'm a doctor of some sort. haha
I hope he's ok. He's been throwing up all afternoon non stop. He looks so miserable too. Well that's life for you buddy.
I am the greatest over reactor ever. I need to fix that. I always think the worst and don't expect myself to be happy because I always think something will go wrong with whatever I'm doing. I always think of the worst and don't see that what I'm imagining in my overactive brain won't happen. But I also have to accept that they might too.
I really don't know what's the matter with me lately. Am I just stressed out? What is it? Because lately I've been the most impatient, quick to get angry type of person and I'm usually not like that.
I guess it's just that I'm trying to not miss Cainan too much and show it to everyone. I am a strong individual and I do pretty good in hiding my emotions from others. But this is hard, trying to keep a long distance relationship. I can't know what he's doing because of our schedules and that makes it hard to talk to each other. I can't see into his eyes like I did and see if he was being honest with me. All in all, I just miss him way too much and for the first time I'm seeing how hard relationships are to maintain. I just don't want our busy list of things to do slowly bring us apart and then I lose him. I just feel like it's my fault and I need to do something, but I don't know what. I don't know how this works. In my 19 years of existence, he's the only guy I've met who I'm in love with.
I have the biggest trouble in the world telling others how I feel. I guess it's just trust issues that have carried over to me after so many years ago when I grew up not trusting anybody because I always came out getting hurt. I wish I could trust all these amazing people in my life, but somehow I can't. I trust my mom and even my dad, my brother and my sister. From a young age, I have grown to learn not to trust anybody too much because no matter what someone means to you, somehow you will end up getting hurt. I think that's what I'm trying to prevent by not showing emotion and communicating my feelings to others. It just comes to show you how much your experiences as a young child will have on your adult life and the way you see things.The problem is I can never bring myself to share what I'm feeling with him. I try, but I also try not to give too much emotion away just in case. I love my friends, but I never know when they'll turn back on me. I love Cainan, so much, but how can I really know to completely trust him with all these emotions I have for him? I just don't want to make myself too vulnerable and get hurt in the end.
I'm sorry I can't tell you these things Cainan, it's just hard for me to.
Not just to you, but to everyone.
I'm sorry you have to deal with such an emotional wreck as me. And thank you for doing so. That's why I have grown to love you so much. You're one of the few people in my life that are capable of doing such a thing.
That's also why I love writing so much. I can write anything down and not get a response. I trust my writing to not hurt me.
I've gone through so much in my life.
Abuse, disability, sickness, heartache, a torn family, betrayal- at this point the only person I trust more than anything is the Lord. He will always be there to listen, He knows what's in my heart, how I feel. He will never hurt me. The Gospel is my life. It has been there to keep me strong and to help me through all these trials. I mess up so much, but He will always love me no matter what and that is the greatest love there is. My Savior is my rock. I fail though at showing my gratitude for all He does for me, but that's going to change.
I need a stronger relationship with you Lord and I'm sorry for not being the person you want me to be. I'm trying, but it's really hard. You put so many trials in my life. I know they're nothing compared to what other people go through that's more serious than my troubles. I know you will never put anything in my life that I won't be able to handle. I know everything I'm going through will make me into the strongest women that I hope to be someday. I love you so much, above anything and everyone. You are the greatest friend I will ever have. I hate feeling like I've disappointed you. I promise with all the love of my heart and every ounce of trust I have for you that I will better myself. I will show you greater gratitude. Graditude for everything that you've done for me. Please help me through these trials. Help me understand they're for my own good and spiritual growth. Help me keep the Spirit. Help me understand. Help me be strong in times of weakness.
Without Him and His Gospel I'd be dead. All the tribulation I've done through would have eventually killed me. That's why I'm so thankful everyday, although I may not say it, I always carry that gratefulness in my heart.
The Gospel saved my life.
Living the childhood I did really screwed up my life in every single way possible.
Emotionally, mentally, and even physically.
But the Gospel saved me from myself. It saved me from letting all my trials get the best of me.
Although I feel at times that they are getting the best of me, it is my promise to let the Lord be the most important person in my lie. I will work so hard to do so.
No other church, no other religion preaches the unlimited love the Lord has for us.
He loves each if us so much and He wants the best for us. He will perfect us in whatever way to allow us to go live with Him again.
I never really planned this, but this is my testimony. I testify that the Lord loves us. I testify that He puts these trials in our lives to make us stronger individuals. I truly believe with all my heart that the true Gospel of Jesus Christ is here on the Earth because of the blessings it has had in my life. Love the Lord, be grateful for everything He does for you. Do everything you can to perfect yourself.
I say these things with absolutely no doubt in my heart, in the name of our Savior; Jesus Christ
Amen.
Daughters in My Kingdom
This is a book from relief society and I am going to read it if it's the last thing I do.
I need to get my spiritual life back on track,
I can feel my spirit's hunger for the greater spirit, for the greater testimony, for the greater sense of peace.
I read this one part where it said that the Lord wants us, His daughters, to perfect ourselves. Not necessarily perfect, but the best we can be.
I feel as if I've put my spirituality on hold for a while, not living up to where I want to be spiritually.
Regaining that piece will give me the strength and courage to do many things.
I have faith, I know the church is true with all my heart- I just need to give myself a break from everything to in a way "rediscover" my spiritual self. Doing that will allow me the opportunity to better understand what I need in my life.
I've noticed this need lately. I've been in a way depressed I guess. I hate feeling like this, I really do. What's worse is not knowing why.
That's why I need the Gospel's influence and spirit more than ever. In the past, I've put the Lord at the end of my set of priorities and that's what's caused me to feel distant from Him.
This break from school will give me a chance to regain that lost spirituality. This will allow me to come back to school with a greater openness to the Spirit.
On the other hand and other news, Mike and his sister invited me out on Saturday.
It really warms my heart that I have people such as them in my life.
They both care so much about not only me, but others as well. Mike especially. He's been such a blessing in my life, such a great friend since forever ago.
Sometimes I wonder why life is so hard on me. Immigration issues, health problems, family issues, the list really never ends. I really wonder how much more of this I can take.
But as my mom and my blessing says- appreciate life as it comes. All the good moments. All the bad.
I need to get my spiritual life back on track,
I can feel my spirit's hunger for the greater spirit, for the greater testimony, for the greater sense of peace.
I read this one part where it said that the Lord wants us, His daughters, to perfect ourselves. Not necessarily perfect, but the best we can be.
I feel as if I've put my spirituality on hold for a while, not living up to where I want to be spiritually.
Regaining that piece will give me the strength and courage to do many things.
I have faith, I know the church is true with all my heart- I just need to give myself a break from everything to in a way "rediscover" my spiritual self. Doing that will allow me the opportunity to better understand what I need in my life.
I've noticed this need lately. I've been in a way depressed I guess. I hate feeling like this, I really do. What's worse is not knowing why.
That's why I need the Gospel's influence and spirit more than ever. In the past, I've put the Lord at the end of my set of priorities and that's what's caused me to feel distant from Him.
This break from school will give me a chance to regain that lost spirituality. This will allow me to come back to school with a greater openness to the Spirit.
On the other hand and other news, Mike and his sister invited me out on Saturday.
It really warms my heart that I have people such as them in my life.
They both care so much about not only me, but others as well. Mike especially. He's been such a blessing in my life, such a great friend since forever ago.
Sometimes I wonder why life is so hard on me. Immigration issues, health problems, family issues, the list really never ends. I really wonder how much more of this I can take.
But as my mom and my blessing says- appreciate life as it comes. All the good moments. All the bad.
Beware of missing chances; otherwise it may be altogether too late some day
Messy hair, neon fingernails from saturday night, wool sweatshirt, dirty jeans... that's what today will be. Oh, and of course netflix and its unlimited amount of corny movies. And also of course this blog and my music library.
The thing about me that I've grown to accept over the years is that there are moments where I would rather spend time by myself locked up in my room typing away with my favorite music playing. It seems lonely, but no it isn't. I love as the words I type turn into a sentence then into a story. The sound of the keys is relaxing and rhythmic as I type in tune to Micheal Buble's voice- which is the song currently playing. I love company and spending time with others, but I need these times to gather my thoughts, to rethink current things, to ask myself if I am choosing the things that should be making me happy. I listen to the lyrics of these many songs that bring me happiness and bliss, can I say they are true to me? Can I apply them to my choices and my decisions?
It's a bit silly, but that's how I see it. Music can help with helping you decide things that are on your mind. It could help you rethink things. Rethink things that you thought were good for you.
For me, music is always there. Always a click away, a movement away. Just push play, just put on my headphones. There isn't anything complicated about being reunited with your favorite songs. They're always there when everyone else is away. Music is like a friend. It will change into different forms, it will always change- like a person. The only difference between music and people is that despite all the changes it goes through or is going through, it is always there, ready and armed to heal and wounded heart. I really believe that music artists are inspired to write what they write. What they are inspired to write can either be good or bad. We won't be able to know if its a good or bad message until we listen to it, take the time to analyze it, and most importantly assess the feeling it gives you. Like for me for example, I look for music that can relate to my current emotion. When I listen to a sad song, it feels like someone else is there going through it with me. When I'm mad, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, excited, disappointed, when I'm missing someone or something, when I'm determined, unsure, confused.
That is why it is important to choose the right music- because it will have an impact on the way you look at life.
I watched a movie on Anne Frank last night. It was sad seeing her family and their friends living in fear on a daily basis. I saw as she grew up, as she fell in love for the first time, shared her first kiss, defended herself from cruel lips, and as she poured out her soul to her diary. I remember her saying how she wants to be the type of women that leaves an impact on the world- not like every other women who gets married, has kids, then gets pushed aside. She said how even after she dies, she wants her writing to live on forever; and it did.
It was sad thinking about how this girl, with so much life ahead of her and so many adventures ahead, wasn't ever going to have them. But what I was glad about was that she died with the opportunity of having loved someone. Cause it's better to have died loving then to have never loved at all.
I also thought about how she said that writing was her escape from the world. Writing is an escape into my mind- a place where I'm the only one there, a place where I can think. The difference though is that she write her thoughts with the objective of them never being read. I write my thoughts without the care that someone is reading. When I write here I hope to influence whoever reads it. Whether it's one person or a dozen. I hope that whoever reads what I write can get something out of it.
I've considered a career in writing, cause all in all I love it. But I also love writing for me. Just me and nobody else. I write without really caring whether my words make sense, if my grammar is right- it doesn't matter to me just as long as I get my thoughts out. Perhaps someday I'll write a book and use this blog as my cornerstone and incorporate my stories, my experiences.
Life is something very confusing. You never know if what you have in your life is supposed to be there. You never know if you're doing things right. You never know if you should let things go. You don't know if you deserve better than what you may have settled for.You just never know and you have to go through life hoping with a faithful heart that everything will fall into place. You go through life with faith that the Lord will place the right people, situations, events, jobs, experiences into your life.
It's hard though because sometimes you feel like you're doing this all alone.
But the Lord is there to listen and offer you that encouragement. Because after all, you chose to endure in this mission. Sometimes though, you ask yourself, "what the heck was I thinking?"
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
The thing about me that I've grown to accept over the years is that there are moments where I would rather spend time by myself locked up in my room typing away with my favorite music playing. It seems lonely, but no it isn't. I love as the words I type turn into a sentence then into a story. The sound of the keys is relaxing and rhythmic as I type in tune to Micheal Buble's voice- which is the song currently playing. I love company and spending time with others, but I need these times to gather my thoughts, to rethink current things, to ask myself if I am choosing the things that should be making me happy. I listen to the lyrics of these many songs that bring me happiness and bliss, can I say they are true to me? Can I apply them to my choices and my decisions?
It's a bit silly, but that's how I see it. Music can help with helping you decide things that are on your mind. It could help you rethink things. Rethink things that you thought were good for you.
For me, music is always there. Always a click away, a movement away. Just push play, just put on my headphones. There isn't anything complicated about being reunited with your favorite songs. They're always there when everyone else is away. Music is like a friend. It will change into different forms, it will always change- like a person. The only difference between music and people is that despite all the changes it goes through or is going through, it is always there, ready and armed to heal and wounded heart. I really believe that music artists are inspired to write what they write. What they are inspired to write can either be good or bad. We won't be able to know if its a good or bad message until we listen to it, take the time to analyze it, and most importantly assess the feeling it gives you. Like for me for example, I look for music that can relate to my current emotion. When I listen to a sad song, it feels like someone else is there going through it with me. When I'm mad, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, excited, disappointed, when I'm missing someone or something, when I'm determined, unsure, confused.
That is why it is important to choose the right music- because it will have an impact on the way you look at life.
I watched a movie on Anne Frank last night. It was sad seeing her family and their friends living in fear on a daily basis. I saw as she grew up, as she fell in love for the first time, shared her first kiss, defended herself from cruel lips, and as she poured out her soul to her diary. I remember her saying how she wants to be the type of women that leaves an impact on the world- not like every other women who gets married, has kids, then gets pushed aside. She said how even after she dies, she wants her writing to live on forever; and it did.
It was sad thinking about how this girl, with so much life ahead of her and so many adventures ahead, wasn't ever going to have them. But what I was glad about was that she died with the opportunity of having loved someone. Cause it's better to have died loving then to have never loved at all.
I also thought about how she said that writing was her escape from the world. Writing is an escape into my mind- a place where I'm the only one there, a place where I can think. The difference though is that she write her thoughts with the objective of them never being read. I write my thoughts without the care that someone is reading. When I write here I hope to influence whoever reads it. Whether it's one person or a dozen. I hope that whoever reads what I write can get something out of it.
I've considered a career in writing, cause all in all I love it. But I also love writing for me. Just me and nobody else. I write without really caring whether my words make sense, if my grammar is right- it doesn't matter to me just as long as I get my thoughts out. Perhaps someday I'll write a book and use this blog as my cornerstone and incorporate my stories, my experiences.
Life is something very confusing. You never know if what you have in your life is supposed to be there. You never know if you're doing things right. You never know if you should let things go. You don't know if you deserve better than what you may have settled for.You just never know and you have to go through life hoping with a faithful heart that everything will fall into place. You go through life with faith that the Lord will place the right people, situations, events, jobs, experiences into your life.
It's hard though because sometimes you feel like you're doing this all alone.
But the Lord is there to listen and offer you that encouragement. Because after all, you chose to endure in this mission. Sometimes though, you ask yourself, "what the heck was I thinking?"
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Senior year I took a philosophy class and we studied Emerson. He has a way with making simple sentences mean so much. This particular poem is about gratitude. About not taking things for granted because after all, you never know if your lack of thankfulness for them will cause you to lose those things in your life that you have fought to keep.
For things such as food or shelter- you always expect those things to be there.
But you never know when they won't be there.
There might be a storm, a bad harvest.
You can also apply this to interactions with others.
If someone is in your life, like your mother, a sister, a brother, a friend, or a lover
you never really think about when they won't be there.
You take those people in your life for granted because you expect them to be there despite the things you do.
But you gotta work to maintain those relationships. Don't take them for granted because you never know when you'll lose them.
It's hard to sometimes- to fight. Because you sometimes don't know if its even worth fighting.
But sometimes you're even afraid.
Because what if there's something better out there for you and you don't know it?
I'm only 19 so why do I think like a 65 year old?
Why do I feel like I have to experience everything right now?
Because we're in the latter- days and He is coming.
I just want the opportunity to experience everything before then.
I know I'll have the chance to, but sometimes I feel like it's a rush against time.
Like I won't have the chance to do what I want.
I just wish it was easier choosing those things that are meant to be in your life.
I don't want to feel like I've wasted precious time on things that don't matter.
On people that take you for granted and then you think "I didn't deserve that, I don't deserve that, I deserve better".
I start work Wednesday. Finally, something I love doing and something to get my mind off my problems for a a good 8-10 hours.
Thou hast given so much to me,
Give one thing more, - a grateful heart;
Not thankful when it pleaseth me,
As if Thy blessings had spare days,
But such a heart whose pulse may be Thy praise.
~George Herbert
It's hard to sometimes- to fight. Because you sometimes don't know if its even worth fighting.
But sometimes you're even afraid.
Because what if there's something better out there for you and you don't know it?
I'm only 19 so why do I think like a 65 year old?
Why do I feel like I have to experience everything right now?
Because we're in the latter- days and He is coming.
I just want the opportunity to experience everything before then.
I know I'll have the chance to, but sometimes I feel like it's a rush against time.
Like I won't have the chance to do what I want.
I just wish it was easier choosing those things that are meant to be in your life.
I don't want to feel like I've wasted precious time on things that don't matter.
On people that take you for granted and then you think "I didn't deserve that, I don't deserve that, I deserve better".
I start work Wednesday. Finally, something I love doing and something to get my mind off my problems for a a good 8-10 hours.
Thou hast given so much to me,
Give one thing more, - a grateful heart;
Not thankful when it pleaseth me,
As if Thy blessings had spare days,
But such a heart whose pulse may be Thy praise.
~George Herbert
It's Saturday, a day closer to the end of the weekend
So I'm casually cruising through facebook and go to this group I joined over the summer where a ton of mormon youth assemble and share different things. And I found the most beautiful piece of writing there.
Dear Daughter,
I remember well the day you left my side, wandered through the veil and ventured forth to fulfill you earthly mission. I had a tear in my eye as I clothed your spirit in a cloak of love and sent you off to school. Be assured that my thoughts are with you now, as always.
I love you with all of my heart. I know your life, the good, the bad, your grief, your disappointments, your unrewarded efforts, your frustrations. But always remember--all that I have is yours if you will only come home again.
Daughter, realize that in you I have placed a bit of heaven. No one was exempt. I love all of my children. You have some blessed gift, some talent, some little part of me in you. Search for it, develop it, use it, and most importantly, share it with others. If you really love me, then help others find themselves and lead them to me. Show your love by serving others.
Repent of your failings and humble yourself. Make yourself ever teachable and continually strive to improve. I gave you weaknesses to help you be humble. Don't condemn me for that. I did it because I love you. Be full of hope. Don't let discouragement engulf you. I'll come if you need me.
Daughter, cease your idle contentions. Be a peacemaker, for it breaks my heart to see so many of my children fighting. If they could only see what I have hoped, planned and desired for them. My heart breaks as I watch them. But you, faithful daughter, are my hope. It is through you that my work must proceed. You haven't much time and there is so much work to be done. I beg you to get started. Accomplish the mission I gave to you before you left me. I'll help you. I'll never be too busy or too far away to come to you. I'm nearer to you always than you might suspect. I have so much I would like to tell you, but I can't here.
Come to me often in prayer. I love to talk to you, my beloved daughter. Be diligent in my work and my kingdom shall be yours. I'd love to take you in my arms, but I too, must wait patiently: that time will come. Till then I leave you my peace, my blessing, my love, and never forget I am nearby whenever you need me.
I love you and miss you so very much and, oh, how I am looking forward to your return to me.
All my love,
Your Heavenly Father
Dear Daughter,
I remember well the day you left my side, wandered through the veil and ventured forth to fulfill you earthly mission. I had a tear in my eye as I clothed your spirit in a cloak of love and sent you off to school. Be assured that my thoughts are with you now, as always.
I love you with all of my heart. I know your life, the good, the bad, your grief, your disappointments, your unrewarded efforts, your frustrations. But always remember--all that I have is yours if you will only come home again.
Daughter, realize that in you I have placed a bit of heaven. No one was exempt. I love all of my children. You have some blessed gift, some talent, some little part of me in you. Search for it, develop it, use it, and most importantly, share it with others. If you really love me, then help others find themselves and lead them to me. Show your love by serving others.
Repent of your failings and humble yourself. Make yourself ever teachable and continually strive to improve. I gave you weaknesses to help you be humble. Don't condemn me for that. I did it because I love you. Be full of hope. Don't let discouragement engulf you. I'll come if you need me.
Daughter, cease your idle contentions. Be a peacemaker, for it breaks my heart to see so many of my children fighting. If they could only see what I have hoped, planned and desired for them. My heart breaks as I watch them. But you, faithful daughter, are my hope. It is through you that my work must proceed. You haven't much time and there is so much work to be done. I beg you to get started. Accomplish the mission I gave to you before you left me. I'll help you. I'll never be too busy or too far away to come to you. I'm nearer to you always than you might suspect. I have so much I would like to tell you, but I can't here.
Come to me often in prayer. I love to talk to you, my beloved daughter. Be diligent in my work and my kingdom shall be yours. I'd love to take you in my arms, but I too, must wait patiently: that time will come. Till then I leave you my peace, my blessing, my love, and never forget I am nearby whenever you need me.
I love you and miss you so very much and, oh, how I am looking forward to your return to me.
All my love,
Your Heavenly Father
Reading this was amazing. It really is inspiring to me. It inspires me to be strong and to seek that amount of perfection I am striving to achieve. I will never be perfect, but like I said yesterday, I can perfect myself enough to go live with Him again.
Tomorrow is Sunday.
Another opportunity to learn something new.
Me, I'm going to attempt to receive my lessons in Spanish so that I am better able to communicate with my spanish speaking peers as well as to better able share my thoughts on the Gospel when I am lucky enough to be faced in such a situation.
Also during this break I want to be able to start reading the Book of Mormon, but in Spanish.
I don't know why honestly, I just feel I should.
To be honest, I've never really read the Book of Mormon cover to cover.
I've attempted to many times, but I just never seem to finish.
I loose my place, get frustrated, and then it's gone.
But not anymore because I'm going to push myself to read it.
With alll these changes I am planning on making, I know that it won't happen fast or in a record amount of time. It could take a whole year or five, but what I do hope to get out of this "spiritual journey" I am putting myself on is the opportunity to shape myself into the kind of person the Lord always intended me to be and wants me to be like.
Service
I always kinda thought that I wasn't really a doer of granting service. I always thought that it involved doing something big like helping at a soap kitchen or organizing a blood drive- things like that. Until recently, I realized that service can be anything that allows the love of Christ to shine through.
I tutored Sebastian for a whole summer and I have known his family for eight years. Sebastian has a severe case of ADHD. He is very impulsive and he says whatever's on his mind. These qualities to some can become very annoying and quickly, others will start to dislike being around him. When I tutored him, I had enough of him. I wanted to leave my job because it was getting unbearable for me. He was so nosy sometimes and frankly, he slowly became in a way "obsessed" with me. Time passed and he didn't need me anymore. Then a couple years back we got in contact again. Well, he contacted me first and I was like, "ugh, not again". But since I can't find it in me to be mean and reject others, I talked to him. It was a "what would Jesus do?" kind of situation. I mean, I just couldn't tell him to leave me alone, I'm not like that.
Then as I let him into my life and offered him my friendship, I slowly came to the realization and understanding that I was basically his only friend.
He always told me how he feels like no one likes him or accepts him the way he is. He feels that he has no friends he can trust except for me.
Then yesterday he called me and we talked. He told me how these kids at school hacked his email account and put some disturbing images there. Like honestly, how can people be so mean? Don't their brains kill them knowing that they are doing something harmful to an innocent kid that hasn't done NOTHING to them. This is why suicide happens- stupid, inconsiderate, heartless kids don't care about others. They think that doing these things will give them a raise, make them feel better about themselves.
I'm "crashing" a youth dance tomorrow so I invited Sebastian. I want to show him that not everyone is like the kids he's accustomed to associating with. So I asked his mom for permission and I swear- it looked like she was going to cry. She was so happy that I was so nice to him and cared about him. She told me how she appreciates everything I do for Sebastian. She told me how Sebastian looks up to me and admires me. He's inspired by my life- how despite so many hardships I've gone through, I can still succeed and go on and live a happy, fulfilling life. At that moment I felt the Spirit. That burning in my heart. I felt the Lord's love for Sebastian and His love for me. I felt like I was really making a difference in someone's life, someone who needs someone to help them get through hardships.
That's also another reason why I am so keen with the idea of working with children as my career. Because I love the Spirit that they bring into my life. I love feeling the amount of love that the Lord has for them. It's beautiful.
"You are truly a young women who knows no guile. You have a love for the children of men that knows no bounds and because of your sensitivity to children, you will be a great influence in the lives of many of our Heavenly Father's children here upon the Earth....You have the ability to set those around you at ease, especially young people. They will share the issues of life with you that they are struggling with....(and my favorite part) You will lift up the hands that hang down and be a blessing in the lives of those who are in need of love and friendship."
It really amazes me how as time passes, all these things associated with my patriarchal blessing are coming to pass.
I also have noticed how this section of my blessing I shared is so true. I am so blessed to me in this church, I really am. As more and more things are coming to pass with my effort to be a righteous women, the greater my understanding of the Gospel increases. And my testimony :)
This year, I will improve myself spiritually. I need to prepare myself with the proper "tools" to endure the many trials that will present themselves in my life as well as the many blessings that will present themselves. I want to be able to better appreciate them as they come along.
It really amazes me how much the Savior loves us. He is willing to forgive things that we do wrong. HE is willing to be our friend when no one else will. I really don't know where my life would be without this Gospel.
I make mistakes, I disappoint Him too, but with each passing day I try hard to perfect myself so that one day, I am perfect enough to live with Him once more. And that is the greatest joy that one could have.
And all this inspiration comes from solely one very important person. A person who too is trying to better himself and prepare for one of the most honorable things a man can do in his lifetime; serving the Lord and I really couldn't be happier for you Cainan.
I tutored Sebastian for a whole summer and I have known his family for eight years. Sebastian has a severe case of ADHD. He is very impulsive and he says whatever's on his mind. These qualities to some can become very annoying and quickly, others will start to dislike being around him. When I tutored him, I had enough of him. I wanted to leave my job because it was getting unbearable for me. He was so nosy sometimes and frankly, he slowly became in a way "obsessed" with me. Time passed and he didn't need me anymore. Then a couple years back we got in contact again. Well, he contacted me first and I was like, "ugh, not again". But since I can't find it in me to be mean and reject others, I talked to him. It was a "what would Jesus do?" kind of situation. I mean, I just couldn't tell him to leave me alone, I'm not like that.
Then as I let him into my life and offered him my friendship, I slowly came to the realization and understanding that I was basically his only friend.
He always told me how he feels like no one likes him or accepts him the way he is. He feels that he has no friends he can trust except for me.
Then yesterday he called me and we talked. He told me how these kids at school hacked his email account and put some disturbing images there. Like honestly, how can people be so mean? Don't their brains kill them knowing that they are doing something harmful to an innocent kid that hasn't done NOTHING to them. This is why suicide happens- stupid, inconsiderate, heartless kids don't care about others. They think that doing these things will give them a raise, make them feel better about themselves.
I'm "crashing" a youth dance tomorrow so I invited Sebastian. I want to show him that not everyone is like the kids he's accustomed to associating with. So I asked his mom for permission and I swear- it looked like she was going to cry. She was so happy that I was so nice to him and cared about him. She told me how she appreciates everything I do for Sebastian. She told me how Sebastian looks up to me and admires me. He's inspired by my life- how despite so many hardships I've gone through, I can still succeed and go on and live a happy, fulfilling life. At that moment I felt the Spirit. That burning in my heart. I felt the Lord's love for Sebastian and His love for me. I felt like I was really making a difference in someone's life, someone who needs someone to help them get through hardships.
That's also another reason why I am so keen with the idea of working with children as my career. Because I love the Spirit that they bring into my life. I love feeling the amount of love that the Lord has for them. It's beautiful.
"You are truly a young women who knows no guile. You have a love for the children of men that knows no bounds and because of your sensitivity to children, you will be a great influence in the lives of many of our Heavenly Father's children here upon the Earth....You have the ability to set those around you at ease, especially young people. They will share the issues of life with you that they are struggling with....(and my favorite part) You will lift up the hands that hang down and be a blessing in the lives of those who are in need of love and friendship."
It really amazes me how as time passes, all these things associated with my patriarchal blessing are coming to pass.
I also have noticed how this section of my blessing I shared is so true. I am so blessed to me in this church, I really am. As more and more things are coming to pass with my effort to be a righteous women, the greater my understanding of the Gospel increases. And my testimony :)
This year, I will improve myself spiritually. I need to prepare myself with the proper "tools" to endure the many trials that will present themselves in my life as well as the many blessings that will present themselves. I want to be able to better appreciate them as they come along.
It really amazes me how much the Savior loves us. He is willing to forgive things that we do wrong. HE is willing to be our friend when no one else will. I really don't know where my life would be without this Gospel.
I make mistakes, I disappoint Him too, but with each passing day I try hard to perfect myself so that one day, I am perfect enough to live with Him once more. And that is the greatest joy that one could have.
And all this inspiration comes from solely one very important person. A person who too is trying to better himself and prepare for one of the most honorable things a man can do in his lifetime; serving the Lord and I really couldn't be happier for you Cainan.
Ick.
I feel like something is going to come out of my stomach.
My body wants to throw up, but it can't and that causes for pain.
It is sometimes so unbearable it brings me to tears.
There are rare occasions where my head throbs.
My mom says its the flu.
Great.
This is like the third time me getting sick since I got back home.
It's like my body is fighting something, but just can't beat it.
Maybe that's why I've been more emotional than usual.
Can it just go away?
My body wants to throw up, but it can't and that causes for pain.
It is sometimes so unbearable it brings me to tears.
There are rare occasions where my head throbs.
My mom says its the flu.
Great.
This is like the third time me getting sick since I got back home.
It's like my body is fighting something, but just can't beat it.
Maybe that's why I've been more emotional than usual.
Can it just go away?
Sappyness
Ugh, I feel nauseous, ever since I woke up.
Anyway, I just want to get down what happened last night. Since we recently got netflix, I get to watch movies anywhere and that includes the comfort of my bed. I've been pretty emotional lately and a chick flick was the perfect type of movie to watch. So I picked this movie called "Listen to Your Heart". The most romantic movie I've seen. To sum it all up, there's this guy who loves music. He wants to create something that can be around forever and be remembered. Then, one day he meets Ariana - whose family is having lunch at the restaurant he works at. He thinks she is absolutely stunning and he slips her his number as she leaves. Two weeks pass and he starts to wonder why she hasn't called. Then one day, she shows up at the restaurant. He asks hers why she hasn't called and then he finds out she is deaf. They go out and communicate throughout sign language. So cute right? Her mom on the other hand doesn't approve and overprotects her. Throughout their entire romance, their love for each other is tested. Then one day, Danny finds out he has cancer. Guess who cried her eyes out? Then it really hit me.
As I was watching how both dealt with his condition and finally how Ariana had to endure living without him after his death, I thought about my life without Cainan. Watching this movie made me further realize that I really don't want to lose him. My chest literally hurt and ached when I thought about it.
There goes another wave of nausea.
Anyway, I just want to get down what happened last night. Since we recently got netflix, I get to watch movies anywhere and that includes the comfort of my bed. I've been pretty emotional lately and a chick flick was the perfect type of movie to watch. So I picked this movie called "Listen to Your Heart". The most romantic movie I've seen. To sum it all up, there's this guy who loves music. He wants to create something that can be around forever and be remembered. Then, one day he meets Ariana - whose family is having lunch at the restaurant he works at. He thinks she is absolutely stunning and he slips her his number as she leaves. Two weeks pass and he starts to wonder why she hasn't called. Then one day, she shows up at the restaurant. He asks hers why she hasn't called and then he finds out she is deaf. They go out and communicate throughout sign language. So cute right? Her mom on the other hand doesn't approve and overprotects her. Throughout their entire romance, their love for each other is tested. Then one day, Danny finds out he has cancer. Guess who cried her eyes out? Then it really hit me.
As I was watching how both dealt with his condition and finally how Ariana had to endure living without him after his death, I thought about my life without Cainan. Watching this movie made me further realize that I really don't want to lose him. My chest literally hurt and ached when I thought about it.
There goes another wave of nausea.
These walls
Dude, I love this song so much lately. It's so much fun singing along to this, it makes my voice feel amazing and nice. And it gives me confidence to do things. Like my interview today at the child care/school place. Which as a matter of fact went absolutely amazing. So I arrive there and I go through the front door, but wait! I can't because it's locked. Some security thingy most childcare places have. So I press the buzzer to let me in and let me tell you, I pressed that button two times and nothing. I felt like a creep though. Just standing there trying to get the door open, hahaha. Then the lady I was seeing came and opened the door. Then it was smooth sailing from that moment on. FAST FORWARD. So I enter the class and there's these adorable 3 year olds staring at me. I almost melted from the amount of cuteness in the room! I read to them, I played on the floor with them, I took them to go "potty" as we call it and made sure they washed their hands. I zipped up their coats, helped them put on their gloves and hats. And what's awesome is that I get paid to practically train to be a mother and spend time doing what I love, spending time with children and teaching them new things that can have a lasting impact in their lives. Want to know the best part? they call me Miss. Jessica. I thought I was going to die from all that cuteness, seriously. Now all I really need to "seal the deal" is my references and a last interview then it's money making time. This is awesome :) Thing is, I wish everything was going smoothly as my job search. If things are supposed to run smoothly, they will. I can't force it.
-end-
-end-
Just a phone call away
The thing with calling people is that I don't want to seem like a bother to them.
I don't want to not get answered when I call because then I get impatient.
I need to fix that because I'm not willing to let something as silly as a phone call still freak me out. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll hear.
On the brightside:
1. I send Cainan's package today. I hope he likes it :)
All my heart and soul went into what I sent him.
2. I have an interview for a job I applied for on Wednesday.
3. I have a new babysitting job.
Although, I feel pretty messed up in my head lately. All these different thoughts, scenarios, what ifs.
And they're not good either. Although some are though.
ANYWAY, I helped my mom out today with folding some sheets and we had a pretty nice talk about stuff and the topic of marriage came up when we started talking about Adrian's mission and what he plans to do once he comes back from it. These plans include get married like a year after; at like 23, then he wants 7 kids. It's pretty weird imagining him as a dad though because I've always seem him as the one needing a parent, not being one. Gotta get used to it though when that time does come. Then we started talking about how you know you found your eternal companion cause I mean, who hasn't thought about that? How do you know? According to my knowledgeable mother, a guy with the priesthood just knows when he's met his eternal companion. That's why most missionaries in a relationship get immediately married when they return, because they are sure that they've met their other half. Maybe that's why people at school get engaged quickly. As everyone who knows me probably knows, I'm crazy about getting married. Not like "oh my gosh I need to get married fast" crazy though. I want my career and stuff, and like my mom said, if I do end up getting married while in school, both my spouse and I need to endure school and get established before starting a family. She's right. I just want someone to call my own though. Without that they'll walk out at any time.
Another thing we talked about was a broken heart and her experiences with that as well as mine. My mom; she's said that she's had many and they're terrible to go through. Me, well not yet. I've always broken them before having my own broken. I'm afraid though because it's bound to happen eventually, not only in a romantic relationship, but any type of relationship. Although, it's the romantic one I'm dreading. I've never had someone do that, I've always been the heart breaker. But now that I think about it, I've only broken like maybe 3 at most and karma gets you sooner or later. That's something, the concept of giving all your heart to someone. Once they have it, they can expand it and cause it to flip and toss with joy or crumple it up like a loose leaf paper and then before you know it, they throw it in a wastebasket. So many people give me advice- "don't love too much or you'll get hurt" or "give all the love you can and see where it will get you". It's really confusing though because which do you do? Which one do you choose?
"All guys are jerks". That's what my mom and most members of the female species say. No matter how much you think they're perfect, they'll end up doing something to really disappoint you. I'm not saying that happened to me, but there's always that though in the back of my mind that says it will happen. Stupid brain, putting all these thoughts in my head and causing me to feel like ick.
This is hard though. I tell Cainan our long distance relationship is good on my side because it gives me the chance to think about where my feelings with him really stand. And they're perfectly great at the moment, it's just that fear. That fear that this time apart will make him feel differently about me. Like I read in a quote somewhere, if the love really is strong enough, distance doesn't matter.
Well, I'm off to bed. I have work tomorrow.
And by "going to bed" I mean lying awake all night long and falling asleep at like 4 in the morning.
Story of my life.
I don't want to not get answered when I call because then I get impatient.
I need to fix that because I'm not willing to let something as silly as a phone call still freak me out. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll hear.
On the brightside:
1. I send Cainan's package today. I hope he likes it :)
All my heart and soul went into what I sent him.
2. I have an interview for a job I applied for on Wednesday.
3. I have a new babysitting job.
Although, I feel pretty messed up in my head lately. All these different thoughts, scenarios, what ifs.
And they're not good either. Although some are though.
ANYWAY, I helped my mom out today with folding some sheets and we had a pretty nice talk about stuff and the topic of marriage came up when we started talking about Adrian's mission and what he plans to do once he comes back from it. These plans include get married like a year after; at like 23, then he wants 7 kids. It's pretty weird imagining him as a dad though because I've always seem him as the one needing a parent, not being one. Gotta get used to it though when that time does come. Then we started talking about how you know you found your eternal companion cause I mean, who hasn't thought about that? How do you know? According to my knowledgeable mother, a guy with the priesthood just knows when he's met his eternal companion. That's why most missionaries in a relationship get immediately married when they return, because they are sure that they've met their other half. Maybe that's why people at school get engaged quickly. As everyone who knows me probably knows, I'm crazy about getting married. Not like "oh my gosh I need to get married fast" crazy though. I want my career and stuff, and like my mom said, if I do end up getting married while in school, both my spouse and I need to endure school and get established before starting a family. She's right. I just want someone to call my own though. Without that they'll walk out at any time.
Another thing we talked about was a broken heart and her experiences with that as well as mine. My mom; she's said that she's had many and they're terrible to go through. Me, well not yet. I've always broken them before having my own broken. I'm afraid though because it's bound to happen eventually, not only in a romantic relationship, but any type of relationship. Although, it's the romantic one I'm dreading. I've never had someone do that, I've always been the heart breaker. But now that I think about it, I've only broken like maybe 3 at most and karma gets you sooner or later. That's something, the concept of giving all your heart to someone. Once they have it, they can expand it and cause it to flip and toss with joy or crumple it up like a loose leaf paper and then before you know it, they throw it in a wastebasket. So many people give me advice- "don't love too much or you'll get hurt" or "give all the love you can and see where it will get you". It's really confusing though because which do you do? Which one do you choose?
"All guys are jerks". That's what my mom and most members of the female species say. No matter how much you think they're perfect, they'll end up doing something to really disappoint you. I'm not saying that happened to me, but there's always that though in the back of my mind that says it will happen. Stupid brain, putting all these thoughts in my head and causing me to feel like ick.
This is hard though. I tell Cainan our long distance relationship is good on my side because it gives me the chance to think about where my feelings with him really stand. And they're perfectly great at the moment, it's just that fear. That fear that this time apart will make him feel differently about me. Like I read in a quote somewhere, if the love really is strong enough, distance doesn't matter.
I really regret not really giving him as much of my time when we were together at school. I never meant to put him at the end of my priority list. I wish I could change that. The thing is talking about these things- even writing about them- makes me cry. I need to control those tear ducts of mine, like really. But I mean, I guess it's a good thing because it shows me how much I have grown to really truly care about someone that isn't family. It really scares me though. Because at the same time as I want to cry from that fear, it makes me also want to happy cry about that fear too. Because I have had the opportunity to experience it. And then there's that fear of losing what you have. Love is scary, it really is.
Distance means so little when someone means so much."
Well, I'm off to bed. I have work tomorrow.
And by "going to bed" I mean lying awake all night long and falling asleep at like 4 in the morning.
Story of my life.
Not much, just coughing up a lung
It's truly a mystery to me how I haven't gotten sick while I was at school in freezing weather and now, here I am- in weather that isn't even that cold. I have these sneezes that are so violent and full of force that they sound like coughs- which they are sometimes. Combine a sneeze and cough and you get WWIII. Aside from that I get the random throbbing headaches, the clogged up and sore throat.
Aside from that, I'm pretty content with life.
Great friends, overall good health, I attend an awesome university, I have great friends, a great boyfriend, healthy pets... the only two things I need at the moment is to get over this sickness and the teacher's assistant job I applied for.
I really hope with all my heart I get it. I will do whatever is necessary; hand in my criminal records (clean slate!), recommendations, my left toe, whatever.
One thing I thought about the other day- I need to spend a day just writing here. I want to start writing more detailed entries now that I have the time.
Aside from that, I'm pretty content with life.
Great friends, overall good health, I attend an awesome university, I have great friends, a great boyfriend, healthy pets... the only two things I need at the moment is to get over this sickness and the teacher's assistant job I applied for.
I really hope with all my heart I get it. I will do whatever is necessary; hand in my criminal records (clean slate!), recommendations, my left toe, whatever.
One thing I thought about the other day- I need to spend a day just writing here. I want to start writing more detailed entries now that I have the time.
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