Just a phone call away

The thing with calling people is that I don't want to seem like a bother to them.
I don't want to not get answered when I call because then I get impatient.
I need to fix that because I'm not willing to let something as silly as a phone call still freak me out. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll hear.
On the brightside:
1. I send Cainan's package today. I hope he likes it :)
All my heart and soul went into what I sent him.
2. I have an interview for a job I applied for on Wednesday.
3. I have a new babysitting job.

Although, I feel pretty messed up in my head lately. All these different thoughts, scenarios, what ifs.
And they're not good either. Although some are though.

ANYWAY, I helped my mom out today with folding some sheets and we had a pretty nice talk about stuff and the topic of marriage came up when we started talking about Adrian's mission and what he plans to do once he comes back from it. These plans include get married like a year after; at like 23, then he wants 7 kids. It's pretty weird imagining him as a dad though because I've always seem him as the one needing a parent, not being one. Gotta get used to it though when that time does come. Then we started talking about how you know you found your eternal companion cause I mean, who hasn't thought about that? How do you know? According to my knowledgeable mother, a guy with the priesthood just knows when he's met his eternal companion. That's why most missionaries in a relationship get immediately married when they return, because they are sure that they've met their other half. Maybe that's why people at school get engaged quickly. As everyone who knows me probably knows, I'm crazy about getting married. Not like "oh my gosh I need to get married fast" crazy though. I want my career and stuff, and like my mom said, if I do end up getting married while in school, both my spouse and I need to endure school and get established before starting a family. She's right. I just want someone to call my own though. Without that they'll walk out at any time.

Another thing we talked about was a broken heart and her experiences with that as well as mine. My mom; she's said that she's had many and they're terrible to go through. Me, well not yet. I've always broken them before having my own broken. I'm afraid though because it's bound to happen eventually, not only in a romantic relationship, but any type of relationship. Although, it's the romantic one I'm dreading. I've never had someone do that, I've always been the heart breaker. But now that I think about it, I've only broken like maybe 3 at most and karma gets you sooner or later. That's something, the concept of giving all your heart to someone. Once they have it, they can expand it and cause it to flip and toss with joy or crumple it up like a loose leaf paper and then before you know it, they throw it in a wastebasket. So many people give me advice- "don't love too much or you'll get hurt" or "give all the love you can and see where it will get you". It's really confusing though because which do you do? Which one do you choose?

"All guys are jerks". That's what my mom and most members of the female species say. No matter how much you think they're perfect, they'll end up doing something to really disappoint you. I'm not saying that happened to me, but there's always that though in the back of my mind that says it will happen. Stupid brain, putting all these thoughts in my head and causing me to feel like ick.

This is hard though. I tell Cainan our long distance relationship is good on my side because it gives me the chance to think about where my feelings with him really stand. And they're perfectly great at the moment, it's just that fear. That fear that this time apart will make him feel differently about me. Like I read in a quote somewhere, if the love really is strong enough, distance doesn't matter.

Distance means so little when someone means so much."

I really regret not really giving him as much of my time when we were together at school. I never meant to put him at the end of my priority list. I wish I could change that. The thing is talking about these things- even writing about them- makes me cry. I need to control those tear ducts of mine, like really. But I mean, I guess it's a good thing because it shows me how much I have grown to really truly care about someone that isn't family. It really scares me though. Because at the same time as I want to cry from that fear, it makes me also want to happy cry about that fear too. Because I have had the opportunity to experience it. And then there's that fear of losing what you have. Love is scary, it really is.

Well, I'm off to bed. I have work tomorrow.
And by "going to bed" I mean lying awake all night long and falling asleep at like 4 in the morning.
Story of my life.