Who would have thought

Work was really exhausting today. Try getting hyperactive 3 year olds to take a nap, now that requires patience. And lots of it too.

On other news, my brother just went to the hospital. We suspect food poisoning. I really just think it's the stomach virus, but no one listens to me. Not until I'm a doctor of some sort. haha
I hope he's ok. He's been throwing up all afternoon non stop. He looks so miserable too. Well that's life for you buddy.

I am the greatest over reactor ever. I need to fix that. I always think the worst and don't expect myself to be happy because I always think something will go wrong with whatever I'm doing. I always think of the worst and don't see that what I'm imagining in my overactive brain won't happen. But I also have to accept that they might too.

I really don't know what's the matter with me lately. Am I just stressed out? What is it? Because lately I've been the most impatient, quick to get angry type of person and I'm usually not like that.
I guess it's just that I'm trying to not miss Cainan too much and show it to everyone. I am a strong individual and I do pretty good in hiding my emotions from others. But this is hard, trying to keep a long distance relationship. I can't know what he's doing because of our schedules and that makes it hard to talk to each other. I can't see into his eyes like I did and see if he was being honest with me. All in all, I just miss him way too much and for the first time I'm seeing how hard relationships are to maintain. I just don't want our busy list of things to do slowly bring us apart and then I lose him. I just feel like it's my fault and I need to do something, but I don't know what. I don't know how this works. In my 19 years of existence, he's the only guy I've met who I'm in love with.
I have the biggest trouble in the world telling others how I feel. I guess it's just trust issues that have carried over to me after so many years ago when I grew up not trusting anybody because I always came out getting hurt. I wish I could trust all these amazing people in my life, but somehow I can't. I trust my mom and even my dad, my brother and my sister. From a young age, I have grown to learn not to trust anybody too much because no matter what someone means to you, somehow you will end up getting hurt. I think that's what I'm trying to prevent by not showing emotion and communicating my feelings to others. It just comes to show you how much your experiences as a young child will have on your adult life and the way you see things.The problem is I can never bring myself to share what I'm feeling with him. I try, but I also try not to give too much emotion away just in case. I love my friends, but I never know when they'll turn back on me. I love Cainan, so much, but how can I really know to completely trust him with all these emotions I have for him? I just don't want to make myself too vulnerable and get hurt in the end.
I'm sorry I can't tell you these things Cainan, it's just hard for me to.
Not just to you, but to everyone.
I'm sorry you have to deal with such an emotional wreck as me. And thank you for doing so. That's why I have grown to love you so much. You're one of the few people in my life that are capable of doing such a thing.

That's also why I love writing so much. I can write anything down and not get a response. I trust my writing to not hurt me.

I've gone through so much in my life.
Abuse, disability, sickness, heartache, a torn family, betrayal- at this point the only person I trust more than anything is the Lord. He will always be there to listen, He knows what's in my heart, how I feel. He will never hurt me. The Gospel is my life. It has been there to keep me strong and to help me through all these trials. I mess up so much, but He will always love me no matter what and that is the greatest love there is. My Savior is my rock. I fail though at showing my gratitude for all He does for me, but that's going to change.


I need a stronger relationship with you Lord and I'm sorry for not being the person you want me to be. I'm trying, but it's really hard. You put so many trials in my life. I know they're nothing compared to what other people go through that's more serious than my troubles. I know you will never put anything in my life that I won't be able to handle. I know everything I'm going through will make me into the strongest women that I hope to be someday. I love you so much, above anything and everyone. You are the greatest friend I will ever have. I hate feeling like I've disappointed you. I promise with all the love of my heart and every ounce of trust I have for you that I will better myself. I will show you greater gratitude. Graditude for everything that you've done for me. Please help me through these trials. Help me understand they're for my own good and spiritual growth. Help me keep the Spirit. Help me understand. Help me be strong in times of weakness.

Without Him and His Gospel I'd be dead. All the tribulation I've done through would have eventually killed me. That's why I'm so thankful everyday, although I may not say it, I always carry that gratefulness in my heart.


The Gospel saved my life.

Living the childhood I did really screwed up my life in every single way possible.
Emotionally, mentally, and even physically.
But the Gospel saved me from myself. It saved me from letting all my trials get the best of me.
Although I feel at times that they are getting the best of me, it is my promise to let the Lord be the most important person in my lie. I will work so hard to do so.

No other church, no other religion preaches the unlimited love the Lord has for us.
He loves each if us so much and He wants the best for us. He will perfect us in whatever way to allow us to go live with Him again.

I never really planned this, but this is my testimony. I testify that the Lord loves us. I testify that He puts these trials in our lives to make us stronger individuals. I truly believe with all my heart that the true Gospel of Jesus Christ is here on the Earth because of the blessings it has had in my life. Love the Lord, be grateful for everything He does for you. Do everything you can to perfect yourself.
I say these things with absolutely no doubt in my heart, in the name of our Savior; Jesus Christ

Amen.