It's frustrating not knowing what a guy thinks.
And even more frustrating that I'm acting like this; falling for someone
a.) so quickly
b.) without having met them face to face
makes me feel a bit pathetic really.
But everything has a reason right?
I mean, I did ask for someone like him.
But I don't know, I really don't. It would be easier if I just knew what he thought, but that really can't be done right now. I want to know and I'd like to think that maybe, just maybe he feels a tiny bit of feeling towards me, but then there's that little voice in my head that's like "he's probably just being nice and you're being dramatic and misinterpreting everything like you usually do". Haha, this is really annoying sometimes; the whole "I like him, does he like me too" stage. It makes me feel like a total elementary schooler.
I have this "gift" (if you'd like to call it that) about being able to perceive things about a person. It's hard to explain. To me, they just give a vibe of total peace and I can "see" how special they really are. That's the vibe I'm getting from him. I can just sense how much of an amazing guy he is.
I just know, have that impression, that he is going to play a very important role in my life.
I don't know, I wish I knew, I wish I knew if I should just forget about these feelings that are pretty much eating me on the inside or just see where this goes.
My mom says, "para haciendote illusiones porque no mas vas a salir lastimada." Should I just forget about it? ugh, if only someone could give me a quick and easy answer to this dilemma.
But the thing also is that, I trust him so easily. It just comes naturally. And I can't say that about everyone.
I found myself telling him about my parents' divorce. I usually don't open up to people that quickly or easily. And talking to him late at night gives me a sense of total calm and happiness; something I haven't had in a while. I never even notice how late it is until he points it out.
I told one of my best friends about him and she was like, "he totally digs you".
But on the other hand my other friend is all "if he only texts you and doesn't call at least, he's just looking to pass the time with you. Texting really isn't a form of letting someone know you're interested. If a guy really is interested in you, he would like hearing the sound of your voice." And she's right. But then on the other hand, I really don't mind if texting is all we do as long as I know that I'm on his mind when he does send me that one text out of the blue.
Ehh, for now I'm just going to let whatever happen happen
On that note, I shall go fold some laundry and watch Mulan.
Sometimes when it comes to movies, it's like a food craving.
I just crave certain movies sometimes and right now, I crave Mulan.
Then later that party with Katie. Till 11. Will I survive?
Haha, I sure hope so. Right now I'm really not into the party mood, but I gotta let loose once in a while and tonight, that is exactly what I'm going to do.
Blasting heavy rock music has to be one of my favorite things to do when I'm anfry
good thing I have my room to myself all weekend.
Even better when you know all the words.
What dating a drummer does to you; your secret love for heavy rock music.
Love this song.
The video is super creepy though.
I seriously creep myself out sometimes.
What dating a drummer does to you; your secret love for heavy rock music.
The video is super creepy though.
I really enjoy the smell of clorox
First off, I'm pissed. I bought a dozen eggs last week and didn't even touch them until this morning and what do I find, 4 eggs missing. The nerve. Oh well, I honestly don't really care. I have more serious matters to be pissed about.
My mom called me this morning. She just came back from signing the papers; 2-3 months for it to be final.
It's going to be like a breath of fresh air without him around. No more dirty looks, no more seeing the way he treats my mom, and especially no more hearing him bash on the church. Every insult was like a punch in the gut.
Well that's that. I can't do anything about it now. Maybe someday he will see the error of his ways and realize that HE, not us, were the cause of all this mess. But like I said yesterday, I really don't know exactly how to feel. The mood definitely changes and today, I feel like I don't care. I don't care what he does now. I don't care where he's going to go. I really don't care. One day though, karma is going to chase him and destroy him. I don't wish bad to him, he's my dad after all. But I guess you can say that I'm over him. I really had enough, like my mom, that he'll change. Hearing all these horrible things he's saying and doing is the last thing I can take.
I torture myself thinking about him though and thinking about the "why" in all of this.
Of course I know the reason, HER. That lady he met.
I feel sorry for her though because once he gets tired of her, like he did with my mom, he's going to do the same thing he did to us.
Sometimes I just wish that an angel would appear to him, like to Laman and Lemuel, and shake some sense into him. Does he not realize how many commandments he's broken; most especially the adultery one.
What's left of my family, we're ready to move past this. Past all those years of pain. We're ready to start over. And fresh beginnings are my favorite. I already have a gut feeling it's going to be a great new beginning.
Starting with that someone that I seriously believe the Lord placed in my life at the exact moment I needed him.
My mom called me this morning. She just came back from signing the papers; 2-3 months for it to be final.
It's going to be like a breath of fresh air without him around. No more dirty looks, no more seeing the way he treats my mom, and especially no more hearing him bash on the church. Every insult was like a punch in the gut.
Well that's that. I can't do anything about it now. Maybe someday he will see the error of his ways and realize that HE, not us, were the cause of all this mess. But like I said yesterday, I really don't know exactly how to feel. The mood definitely changes and today, I feel like I don't care. I don't care what he does now. I don't care where he's going to go. I really don't care. One day though, karma is going to chase him and destroy him. I don't wish bad to him, he's my dad after all. But I guess you can say that I'm over him. I really had enough, like my mom, that he'll change. Hearing all these horrible things he's saying and doing is the last thing I can take.
I torture myself thinking about him though and thinking about the "why" in all of this.
Of course I know the reason, HER. That lady he met.
I feel sorry for her though because once he gets tired of her, like he did with my mom, he's going to do the same thing he did to us.
Sometimes I just wish that an angel would appear to him, like to Laman and Lemuel, and shake some sense into him. Does he not realize how many commandments he's broken; most especially the adultery one.
What's left of my family, we're ready to move past this. Past all those years of pain. We're ready to start over. And fresh beginnings are my favorite. I already have a gut feeling it's going to be a great new beginning.
Starting with that someone that I seriously believe the Lord placed in my life at the exact moment I needed him.
Everybody wants somebody
My mom's signing the divorce papers tomorrow.
It really is over.
I don't know how to feel about this.
Should I cry, be happy, angry?
All three.
I remember that one time, when I was dating Frank, he came over and encountered my dad as both of us were walking away, hand in hand. My dad practically chased him away into the woods. It was so embarrassing.
That's something I know I won't miss; I can finally have guys call me without having to worry about him overhearing. And of course, I will definitely not miss his hangovers, his weird drunk personality, or his foul mouth.
But he's still my dad after all and no matter how many times he has hurt me, I still love him.
See, that's the thing.
That's what I need.
A guy that can be there for me like my dad hasn't been for my mom.
You know that quote, "love her mother" or whatever it is? Well, I've never really seen that happening. But I know what it looks like. I've seen it in the way the men in my homeward look at their wives, with that intense love for them, like they're the only ones that can light up their eyes that way.
I want that. So much.
On brighter news, I bought Patrick Stump's Soul Punk album today.
It's amazing. SO amazing.
Everybody wants somebody.
Ha, tell me about it. Can totally relate.
I remember that one time, when I was dating Frank, he came over and encountered my dad as both of us were walking away, hand in hand. My dad practically chased him away into the woods. It was so embarrassing.
That's something I know I won't miss; I can finally have guys call me without having to worry about him overhearing. And of course, I will definitely not miss his hangovers, his weird drunk personality, or his foul mouth.
But he's still my dad after all and no matter how many times he has hurt me, I still love him.
See, that's the thing.
That's what I need.
A guy that can be there for me like my dad hasn't been for my mom.
You know that quote, "love her mother" or whatever it is? Well, I've never really seen that happening. But I know what it looks like. I've seen it in the way the men in my homeward look at their wives, with that intense love for them, like they're the only ones that can light up their eyes that way.
I want that. So much.
On brighter news, I bought Patrick Stump's Soul Punk album today.
It's amazing. SO amazing.
Ha, tell me about it. Can totally relate.
I always end up hanging up on my mom
...it's hilarious actually.
oooops.
It's always nice talking to he though, she always has the right things to say.
oooops.
It's always nice talking to he though, she always has the right things to say.
The worst kind of feeling
Is when you begin to question people's actions. Is it real? Or is it just being nice?
Are you destined for this? Or are you just making up all these stories in your mind?
Are you allowed to love again? Or is it too early?
Are you breaking a bond that was created? Or healing broken wounds?
Are you really falling for him?
Are you ready to open your heart?
Remember though that you've always been quick at this.
Your heart falls easily for those that make you feel like you are the reason for their smile.
Your life is messed up. Nothing really goes right really. Your home is broken, your heart, your life.
All you want is someone to come along and help you fix what's broken or at least help you see past them and just be happy with the embrace of their arms.
And make you forget.
But what I always ask myself is, "am I being obedient enough to be blessed with the type of love my heart craves?"
It's not that I don't believe everything's he's told me. I love everything he's said. The sweetest words I've been told.
It's just that I don't want to set my heart up for failure again.
I don't want to waste my time if it's not meant to be.
I don't want to get all my hopes up and then in the end have my heart shattered like in previous times.
The thing is I think it's too late.
He has already made his way into my heart.
I never thought about it until know, but he is pretty much absolutely perfect, for me at least.
He inspires me to be a better me.
Just so many feelings.
It can be easy telling that he feels the same, but then other times I question it.
I really don't know.
This is why I wanted to avoid this.
But he just showed up, I didn't have anything to do with it.
Are you destined for this? Or are you just making up all these stories in your mind?
Are you allowed to love again? Or is it too early?
Are you breaking a bond that was created? Or healing broken wounds?
Are you really falling for him?
Are you ready to open your heart?
Remember though that you've always been quick at this.
Your heart falls easily for those that make you feel like you are the reason for their smile.
Your life is messed up. Nothing really goes right really. Your home is broken, your heart, your life.
All you want is someone to come along and help you fix what's broken or at least help you see past them and just be happy with the embrace of their arms.
And make you forget.
But what I always ask myself is, "am I being obedient enough to be blessed with the type of love my heart craves?"
It's not that I don't believe everything's he's told me. I love everything he's said. The sweetest words I've been told.
It's just that I don't want to set my heart up for failure again.
I don't want to waste my time if it's not meant to be.
I don't want to get all my hopes up and then in the end have my heart shattered like in previous times.
The thing is I think it's too late.
He has already made his way into my heart.
I never thought about it until know, but he is pretty much absolutely perfect, for me at least.
He inspires me to be a better me.
Just so many feelings.
It can be easy telling that he feels the same, but then other times I question it.
I really don't know.
This is why I wanted to avoid this.
But he just showed up, I didn't have anything to do with it.
A little piece of knowledge
Someone told me this recently; fall for people that fit your own mentality and are as passionate as you are when it comes to relationships.
Makes so much sense.
In the past I've only been with people that could offer me what I wanted; the happiness and feeling of belonging to someone. I made excuses for the qualities they lacked that I look for in a guy. Of course, each past relationship was wonderful and I learned from them, but they weren't what I have always wanted. And I'm getting the biggest feeling that with this guy, everything might be totally and completely different in the event that we end up together. Everyday though, the bigger the spot for him in my heart grows. So we'll see.
For what I do know, he's like my equal mentality wise. We both want the exact same things. I can just tell we do by what he says to me and his amount of sweetness towards me. Everything he says brings the biggest smile to my face. I might be cooking or working on homework, I might get one of his texts, and I'll just smile the dorkiest smile. Seriously, he really is quite something. Just thinking about the fall, when we meet up and all, that brings the biggest butterfly stampede to my stomach. Did I mention he has the most attractive smile I've ever seen? Can't wait to see that smile(:
So yeah, fall for people that are like you. Finally understand that because I'm totally and completely going through that.
On that note, I leave you with the most powerful piece of music that brings tears to my eyes.
Makes so much sense.
In the past I've only been with people that could offer me what I wanted; the happiness and feeling of belonging to someone. I made excuses for the qualities they lacked that I look for in a guy. Of course, each past relationship was wonderful and I learned from them, but they weren't what I have always wanted. And I'm getting the biggest feeling that with this guy, everything might be totally and completely different in the event that we end up together. Everyday though, the bigger the spot for him in my heart grows. So we'll see.
For what I do know, he's like my equal mentality wise. We both want the exact same things. I can just tell we do by what he says to me and his amount of sweetness towards me. Everything he says brings the biggest smile to my face. I might be cooking or working on homework, I might get one of his texts, and I'll just smile the dorkiest smile. Seriously, he really is quite something. Just thinking about the fall, when we meet up and all, that brings the biggest butterfly stampede to my stomach. Did I mention he has the most attractive smile I've ever seen? Can't wait to see that smile(:
So yeah, fall for people that are like you. Finally understand that because I'm totally and completely going through that.
On that note, I leave you with the most powerful piece of music that brings tears to my eyes.
:)
I seriously love it when guys ask questions about your day, what you're up to...ect.
It shows they really care.
love it.
SO excited for what fall semester's gonna bring for me.
Smiling like a goon has been what I've most enjoyed doing lately.
smilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmiles
Gotta love those people that can do that to you.
It shows they really care.
love it.
SO excited for what fall semester's gonna bring for me.
Smiling like a goon has been what I've most enjoyed doing lately.
smilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmilessmiles
Gotta love those people that can do that to you.
smiles all oveeeeer
This guy.
Wow. Funny how things happen and you never expected them to happen in a million years.
Yup
...It's happening.
I'm falling for someone again.
Why must I fall for guys so quickly?
No me voy a illusionar tan rapido y salir lastimada como antez.
But I'm happy.
Even if it is for a little while...or a big while.
We'll see. :)
I'm falling for someone again.
Why must I fall for guys so quickly?
No me voy a illusionar tan rapido y salir lastimada como antez.
But I'm happy.
Even if it is for a little while...or a big while.
We'll see. :)
A word from our sponsers
Public displays of affection.
This semester has literally been full of these moments.
In the living room, outside my bedroom window, the hallways. I seriously had enough.
It is so frickin' uncomfortable being here, just casually sitting in the kitchen table doing wirk or just cruising the internet or just eating a meal because you can't help but feel extremely uncomfortable and like you're a sicko by being there while they "do their thing".
I shouldn't really be talking because I've done plenty of PDA. But when you're single, the last thing you wanna see is a couple getting all mushy in front of you.
GR,
SO, here's something I am going to seriously stick to.
I've noticed that I've friend-zoned a couple of guys. And I feel bad. Because now that I think of it, how much I hate to admit it--I have high expectations for guys. I want the ideal guy that society tells me to fall for. The tall, funny, smart, ridiculously good looking guy. And for some, yeah, they'll be with a guy like that, but not every guy is like that. A guy is like a bag of M&Ms; made of the same ingredients, but different colors. So my new goal is to stop having these expectations for guys; especially in the appearance category I then constantly worry about what others may think of him, what my fiends will think, etc. That has gotta stop. I now vow to just let things happen. If I really enjoy spending time with a guy, if he makes me laugh (not just the casual joke that brings that temporary laugh, but the guy that can naturally be really funny), if he's sweet, thoughtful, smart, encouraging, and finally, the greatest attribute that I've learned that I want in a guy--isn't afraid to hurt my feels and is sure of himself. If a guy fits into this category, and he appears to be into me, then why not? Just because he doesn't fit into that tall, dark, and handsome category that the world puts guys in and expects them to be in---doesn't mean that I though friend-zone a guy that fits into the qualities I want in a guy, but that doesn't look good in the world's eyes. As long as I see him as my tall, dark, and handsome guy, on my own terms---that's enough for me.
What's the point in dating someone that the world sees as attractive if you're going to be miserable and not able to be yourself 100% around them?
Look for a guy that brings out the best in you and that you have a ridiculously good time with. Where awkward moments of silence don't exist. Where texts can just consist of smiley faces. Where words aren't necessary to communicate all the time. Where you never run out of things to talk about. Where he makes you laugh like no one else can. Where you are able to have deep-meaningful discussions. Where both of you aren't afraid to express your feelings. Where both of you aren't afraid to hurt each other with the truth.
This is what I want and this is what I'm gonna strive to get for myself.
I finally feel like I get the whole relationship thing. :)
This semester has literally been full of these moments.
In the living room, outside my bedroom window, the hallways. I seriously had enough.
It is so frickin' uncomfortable being here, just casually sitting in the kitchen table doing wirk or just cruising the internet or just eating a meal because you can't help but feel extremely uncomfortable and like you're a sicko by being there while they "do their thing".
I shouldn't really be talking because I've done plenty of PDA. But when you're single, the last thing you wanna see is a couple getting all mushy in front of you.
GR,
SO, here's something I am going to seriously stick to.
I've noticed that I've friend-zoned a couple of guys. And I feel bad. Because now that I think of it, how much I hate to admit it--I have high expectations for guys. I want the ideal guy that society tells me to fall for. The tall, funny, smart, ridiculously good looking guy. And for some, yeah, they'll be with a guy like that, but not every guy is like that. A guy is like a bag of M&Ms; made of the same ingredients, but different colors. So my new goal is to stop having these expectations for guys; especially in the appearance category I then constantly worry about what others may think of him, what my fiends will think, etc. That has gotta stop. I now vow to just let things happen. If I really enjoy spending time with a guy, if he makes me laugh (not just the casual joke that brings that temporary laugh, but the guy that can naturally be really funny), if he's sweet, thoughtful, smart, encouraging, and finally, the greatest attribute that I've learned that I want in a guy--isn't afraid to hurt my feels and is sure of himself. If a guy fits into this category, and he appears to be into me, then why not? Just because he doesn't fit into that tall, dark, and handsome category that the world puts guys in and expects them to be in---doesn't mean that I though friend-zone a guy that fits into the qualities I want in a guy, but that doesn't look good in the world's eyes. As long as I see him as my tall, dark, and handsome guy, on my own terms---that's enough for me.
What's the point in dating someone that the world sees as attractive if you're going to be miserable and not able to be yourself 100% around them?
Look for a guy that brings out the best in you and that you have a ridiculously good time with. Where awkward moments of silence don't exist. Where texts can just consist of smiley faces. Where words aren't necessary to communicate all the time. Where you never run out of things to talk about. Where he makes you laugh like no one else can. Where you are able to have deep-meaningful discussions. Where both of you aren't afraid to express your feelings. Where both of you aren't afraid to hurt each other with the truth.
This is what I want and this is what I'm gonna strive to get for myself.
I finally feel like I get the whole relationship thing. :)
:)
Can I just say that I'm a very happy camper right now?
Like, I haven't smiled this much in such a long time.
Me gusta.
Like, I haven't smiled this much in such a long time.
Me gusta.
Father's Day
It was yesterday right? Haha, just making sure, ya never know these days right? :P
So after church and as I was walking back to my apartment, I decided to call my dad and wish him a happy father's day. Also because it gave me something to do as I walked back home. Anyway, so I call him and and I'm a bit surprised at myself at first because of the tome of voice I use to talk to him; cheery and upbeat. I'm supposed to be mad at him, HELLO! It really is hard for me to be mad at people and actually stay mad at them.
I wish him a happy father's day and whatnot, small talk, I wish my uncle a happy father's day, talk to my cousin, then we said our good byes. That was it. Then I tell my mom and she got pissed off because she doesn't like my uncle.
At my graduation party last year (crazy that it was last year!) she tried to talk to him and invite him as well as maybe even talk to him about setting some sense in my dad's head about his affair. But he totally ignored her cry for help and for that my mom is very resentful towards him. Well, that's the story.
31 DAYS!
I am so excited. SO. EXCITED.
I am so over this semester.
I am so over my roommates.
I am so over my classes.
I feel like a senior with senioritis; not wanting to do any work because you know you're pretty much done anyway.
But
I am so happy about the friendships I strengthened this semester-- even if it was over the internet.
We've made so many plans for fall that it really makes me sooooooooooo pumped for fall.
But until then, I have to get through this annoying semester first.
My single adults ward throws opening socials like every month.
Do I attend?
Heck no.
I'm never gonna see these people ever again nor do I intend to either so what's the point.
And even if I went I'd b really bored or feeling like crap because everyone is all happy doorey with their friends and I'm just there--without my friends.
I'd rather be talking to my friends on skype thank you very much. Or doing homework. Or just sitting on my bed listening to music and stalking ex boyfriends.
Yup, I'm that cool on weekends, that's basically all I do besides go to church on sundays and do laundry on saturday mornings. This past saturday though I totally didn't wanna do laundry. For two reasons mostly. To sleep in till noon (man, that was pretty nice except for the fact that my day went by really fast after that) and also because I had no money in change to do laundry. So today I must while I work out.
Secret: I like pretending that I'm a zumba instructor and lock myself in my room and just dance until all my energy is dead or I'm bored and had enough. It's pretty nice, just letting loose and all.
I wish I could take a nap right now, like really. I have like an hour or so until my next class. MEHHH. But at the same time I don't want to either.
So after church and as I was walking back to my apartment, I decided to call my dad and wish him a happy father's day. Also because it gave me something to do as I walked back home. Anyway, so I call him and and I'm a bit surprised at myself at first because of the tome of voice I use to talk to him; cheery and upbeat. I'm supposed to be mad at him, HELLO! It really is hard for me to be mad at people and actually stay mad at them.
I wish him a happy father's day and whatnot, small talk, I wish my uncle a happy father's day, talk to my cousin, then we said our good byes. That was it. Then I tell my mom and she got pissed off because she doesn't like my uncle.
At my graduation party last year (crazy that it was last year!) she tried to talk to him and invite him as well as maybe even talk to him about setting some sense in my dad's head about his affair. But he totally ignored her cry for help and for that my mom is very resentful towards him. Well, that's the story.
31 DAYS!
I am so excited. SO. EXCITED.
I am so over this semester.
I am so over my roommates.
I am so over my classes.
I feel like a senior with senioritis; not wanting to do any work because you know you're pretty much done anyway.
But
I am so happy about the friendships I strengthened this semester-- even if it was over the internet.
We've made so many plans for fall that it really makes me sooooooooooo pumped for fall.
But until then, I have to get through this annoying semester first.
My single adults ward throws opening socials like every month.
Do I attend?
Heck no.
I'm never gonna see these people ever again nor do I intend to either so what's the point.
And even if I went I'd b really bored or feeling like crap because everyone is all happy doorey with their friends and I'm just there--without my friends.
I'd rather be talking to my friends on skype thank you very much. Or doing homework. Or just sitting on my bed listening to music and stalking ex boyfriends.
Yup, I'm that cool on weekends, that's basically all I do besides go to church on sundays and do laundry on saturday mornings. This past saturday though I totally didn't wanna do laundry. For two reasons mostly. To sleep in till noon (man, that was pretty nice except for the fact that my day went by really fast after that) and also because I had no money in change to do laundry. So today I must while I work out.
Secret: I like pretending that I'm a zumba instructor and lock myself in my room and just dance until all my energy is dead or I'm bored and had enough. It's pretty nice, just letting loose and all.
I wish I could take a nap right now, like really. I have like an hour or so until my next class. MEHHH. But at the same time I don't want to either.
Like?
My mom calls me a heartbreaker all the time. Especially when I mention to her a guy I might potentially be kinda sorta crushing on. Then she's all like, "now don't go breaking their hearts!"
And I'm like, *slow head shake*
Anyway...
Here's to 4 hours of sleep!
HOORAY!
(not really)
And I'm like, *slow head shake*
Anyway...
Here's to 4 hours of sleep!
HOORAY!
(not really)
Is this real life?
No, it's not. At least amazing dreams aren't.
Last night I had the most AMAZING dream I've had in a while. It was the cutest thing ever, seriously. Throughout the dream I was seriously convinced it was real because I could feel the emotions it brought to me, especially that feeling that life good and couldn't get any better then that. Then, at 6:15am, my alarm rang and I sadly woke up. The last words I remember from the dream were. "The more time I spend with you, the more I fall in love you." It was seriously the cutest thing ever.
Seriously, my dreams are so much better then real life. I should sleep more.
Last night I had the most AMAZING dream I've had in a while. It was the cutest thing ever, seriously. Throughout the dream I was seriously convinced it was real because I could feel the emotions it brought to me, especially that feeling that life good and couldn't get any better then that. Then, at 6:15am, my alarm rang and I sadly woke up. The last words I remember from the dream were. "The more time I spend with you, the more I fall in love you." It was seriously the cutest thing ever.
Seriously, my dreams are so much better then real life. I should sleep more.
Can I skip this?
I've never been depressed before. Not as much as now. Even with throbbing headaches and random spurts of crying.
no se si algún dÃa vuelva a verte
no es fácil aceptar haber perdido.
Translated, "I don't know if one day I'll see you again. It's not easy accepting you lost."
Will I ever see my dad again? He's leaving..like, forever. He's going out of the country. Abandoning me. Us.
Did I not do enough? Did I do too little? Was converting to a religion filled with life changing
principles that improved our lives really the worst to have happened to him? It seems as the world
knows what's going on in my life and purposely making me miserable by the creation of father's day and everything
centered around it. Just watch, this sunday's topic will be about dads. Woo, a day where I lament my lack of father.
I talked with my mom about it too and she said that Heavenly Father is the only father I need. And that's true. He'll always be there for me for anything. But, how can I simply forget all those memories I've had with my dad? Piggyback rides,
laughter, jokes, him teaching me how to dance, our applebee's run when it was snowing, his endless stories about how he took
me out to places when I was a baby at the early hours of the night. The sad thing was, all these memories happened when
he was drunk. He wasn't in
the right state of mind. I've never had a happy memory with my dad when he was sober. Maybe I have,
who knows. But none that stand out. Never a heart to heart. He doesn't know my hopes, my dreams. He doesn't know
what I like, what I love, what I hate. He doesn't know my friends, he doesn't know anything and worst of all he doesn't
know
how I feel.
I'm sorry, but I just can't find it in me to forgive you.
All these secrets that finally become unearthed.
I just can't.
I don't hate you.
I still love you.
But I can't justify any of your actions.
And I don't approve of them.
I hate how much you've hurt my mom.
I hate how you're making me feel right now.
I hate that you never acted as a father should.
"All these things shall give thee experience..."
Oh Lord, you are so right.
But why all these trials? Isn't having one huge one enough?
One day I'll understand why.
Still nothing
...do guys follow a "wait a week till calling" rule or something? Not that I'm constantly looking at my phone for a call or anything...
Whoaaaa
there's really no title that can describe this
These moments came into my mind recently and I was trying to figure out their names because I really wanted to listen to the music that contained those memories of happiness and joy with my dad long ago. So I called my mom and she told me. And playing it for the first time in years made me cry. Because all those memories came flowing back. Why can't everything be like before? Why is my dad being taken away from me? All I want is those moments back with my dad. All I will have of my dad's is this; these memories.
It's not fair. How can he not feel guilt as he chooses to abandon me and his family? IHe always told me how much he loved me, that I was the light of his eyes, his "reina". How could all those moments not have meant anything to him? Why has he rejected me? What did I do?
Like, I just want to cry and cry and cry. Because I miss my dad. I miss the way he used to be.
I can't judge my dad for all these wrong decisions that he's made. But how can I not feel totally abandoned by a man, a man that is supposed to be one of the bestest friends I'm supposed to have in my life? A man that is supposed to ALWAYS be there for me when I need him. The only man that I can trust. But no, I don't have such thing.
It really hurts. So much. This is the saddest moment in my life. Realizing that my dad chose to abandon everything he worked hard for one day and all of a sudden decided to just...leave. Just like that.
While I'm here in Idaho, no family, with just $50 to spend every month because that's all my mom can give me; he sends his hard earned money to a women he's never even met in real life and her kid. When asked about the injustice in this, you know what he responded? "She has to deserve it before I send her anything".
I'm done, I really am. I have come to finally accept that he really is leaving. And at any moment. Leaving my mom alone with 2 college kids and an 11 year old. That's not fair.
I really don't know if I can ever forgive my dad for doing this to us. At first when things were starting to get bad, I didn't really know why. I didn't know about her or all the things that he's been doing for her all this time. But now I do. And I feel so hurt by it. So betrayed, abandoned, and feeling so alone. Because everyone I love leaves me. But my dad's leave is the greatest tragedy of my life.
Maybe that's why I'm so set on the idea of marriage. Because then, I'll have the type of man that I've always wanted in my life. A man that can love me unconditionally and want to keep our marriage strong. A man that doesn't leave when something "better" comes along.
mariachi music and cowboys
mariachi is so good :)
I love all this music that I'm discovering
Anyway, this weekend is like going to be super, just super.
I get to volunteer at the Teton Dam Marathon with Annka and Betsy in the early morning to like the afternoon That should be fun(: Handing out water bottles and stuff and a free tshirt which is always a plus.
OHEMGEE.
That guy Allie was talking about that she wants to set me up with? Like, he wants to hang out with me and Luna over the weekend with his friend too. (Luna's cowboy) ;)
Thing is I'm the only one here in Rexburg. SO I might potentially get to meet him (his name's Adam btw) this weekend if things work out. IF. And if he doesn't bring his friend along cause Luna isn't here. Like a blind date basically. Let's see how this goes... hopefully it works out and I don't embarrass myself if it does and we do end up meeting.
Like, dude. I'm so excited to meet him- whether it be this weekend or fall semester.
There's just something there-- like a strange feeling that makes me so nervous and excited all over the place.
We shall see how this goes
Now, time to finish my midterm for child development. ugh.
OH
...I never really realized how liberating being single can be. You can flirt forever and not feel guilty about it.
K.
NOW I'm really going to bed.
K.
NOW I'm really going to bed.
before hitting the hay
I really love my friends. Especially Luna, Allie, and Liz.
And all the awesome friends that I'm making and will make.
SO MANY THINGS TO GET EXCITED FOR FALL, LIKE OHMYGOSH
-seeing my main chicas again
-living with my favorite chica
-camping
-that cowboy Allie is setting me up with ;)
-meeting some cool people that I never got a chance to personally meet last fall
-new ward
-new FHE family
-camping
-road trips
-Canada
-thanksgiving
-conference?
-new classes
-idaho falls
-workout parties
-looking at our house <3
-new guys to meet and befriend ;)
That's all I got right now.
Time to wash my hair, get in my bed, and sleep for like 5 hours before I have to wake up again and endure the tragedy that is Monday.
Don't you love talking to people that you can SO easily talk to like you've been friends forever?
Or meeting those kinds of people that can make you smile like crazy even with as something simple as a simple joke or comment?
And all the awesome friends that I'm making and will make.
SO MANY THINGS TO GET EXCITED FOR FALL, LIKE OHMYGOSH
-seeing my main chicas again
-living with my favorite chica
-camping
-that cowboy Allie is setting me up with ;)
-meeting some cool people that I never got a chance to personally meet last fall
-new ward
-new FHE family
-camping
-road trips
-Canada
-thanksgiving
-conference?
-new classes
-idaho falls
-workout parties
-looking at our house <3
-new guys to meet and befriend ;)
That's all I got right now.
Time to wash my hair, get in my bed, and sleep for like 5 hours before I have to wake up again and endure the tragedy that is Monday.
Don't you love talking to people that you can SO easily talk to like you've been friends forever?
Or meeting those kinds of people that can make you smile like crazy even with as something simple as a simple joke or comment?
Appreciating the beauty of the Spanish language
It's beautiful, isn't it?
I've been on my "listening only to Spanish music" kinda mood and I just can't...I can't get over how much I love it. The music, the voices...I might actually have to say that Spanish music is better than English. Like seriously, it's so beautiful. Especially those romantic songs. Those are just so pure and beautiful...no language, no underlying messages, no bad anything-- only amazing messages about many different things; especially love and the difficulty it brings-- which is my FAVORITE topic. Spanish artists really know how to speak to me, like really. I can relate to everything they sing about. Camilia especially. They're so good. And their voices! Can I have them? And also Reik...those guys are so cute...and amazing voices as well. Those are my top favorite! Luis Fonsi is up there too of course....I can't choose, they're just all so good!
ANYWAY
more days!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I've been on my "listening only to Spanish music" kinda mood and I just can't...I can't get over how much I love it. The music, the voices...I might actually have to say that Spanish music is better than English. Like seriously, it's so beautiful. Especially those romantic songs. Those are just so pure and beautiful...no language, no underlying messages, no bad anything-- only amazing messages about many different things; especially love and the difficulty it brings-- which is my FAVORITE topic. Spanish artists really know how to speak to me, like really. I can relate to everything they sing about. Camilia especially. They're so good. And their voices! Can I have them? And also Reik...those guys are so cute...and amazing voices as well. Those are my top favorite! Luis Fonsi is up there too of course....I can't choose, they're just all so good!
ANYWAY
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Hoy estoy mejor-- sin ti
I love those moments where a certain song that I really love comes on and it makes me feel so happy that I sometimes just want to break out in song and sing my heart out. As if that's happening--at least while I still live here. 47 more days of living here then I'm gone. Yes! I thought June would never come. Just this month and about 2 weeks of July and I'll be flying back. I really hope these 7 weeks of summer that I will be having are amazing. I'm planning to spend a lot of time with my madre, go to the pool and get my tan on, go to the aquarium, go out with my extended family more, zumba classes with my aunts, the beach, late nights with my brother spent talking about stupid things and laughing our butts off to stupid jokes, jam sessions with my little sister, dinner with a certain RM that frequently visits my home ward (not like that, my mom's inviting him for dinner one day when he visits. He's currently studying music at Julliard. Which means he sings. And plays guitar. He's like perfect ;) And has an amazing sense of humor. And he was one of 3 of my favorite missionaries of all time.
In terms of the whole news thing I mentioned yesterday, it was not true. My mom had a dream about it and thought it was real, so she told me. And I of course freaked out. A lot. What was this piece of news? Lemme tell you! So, there's this one RM that served in my home ward and he goes to BYUI too. He is among my 3 favorite missionaries. ANYWAY, a while back my brother told me he finished his mission and is back in Idaho. And then he was like "it would be so cute if you guys met up, dated, and got married." I was like "uhhh..." because for some reason I didn't want to admit to him that I was crazy about this guy. Used to. Because really, these fairy tale type stories where the guy actually feels the same don't happen to me. At least not with the guys that I know I could potentially have a very meaningful relationship with. Then yesterday my mom tells me yesterday that he contacted my brother about me and said he 1.) he wanted to meet up with me or 2.) wanted to marry me. My mom wasn't sure which was which. So I automatically start freaking out and hyperventilating. I ask Adrian if it's true. Turns out that she dreamed the whole thing up and thought it was real. What a bummer.
In terms of the whole news thing I mentioned yesterday, it was not true. My mom had a dream about it and thought it was real, so she told me. And I of course freaked out. A lot. What was this piece of news? Lemme tell you! So, there's this one RM that served in my home ward and he goes to BYUI too. He is among my 3 favorite missionaries. ANYWAY, a while back my brother told me he finished his mission and is back in Idaho. And then he was like "it would be so cute if you guys met up, dated, and got married." I was like "uhhh..." because for some reason I didn't want to admit to him that I was crazy about this guy. Used to. Because really, these fairy tale type stories where the guy actually feels the same don't happen to me. At least not with the guys that I know I could potentially have a very meaningful relationship with. Then yesterday my mom tells me yesterday that he contacted my brother about me and said he 1.) he wanted to meet up with me or 2.) wanted to marry me. My mom wasn't sure which was which. So I automatically start freaking out and hyperventilating. I ask Adrian if it's true. Turns out that she dreamed the whole thing up and thought it was real. What a bummer.
Oh well, imagining that it could have actually happened was nice while it lasted. Allie is setting me up with a nice Idaho cowboy in the fall anyway so, whatevs.
^ That song. That band in general--- oh my gosh. I seriously love their music. Their lyrics, their voices, EVERYTHING. The way that they look when they sing, the fluidy and smoothness of their voices and the way they synchronize together. The romantics of their lyrics gives me that spur of confidence I need to know that HE is out there...somewhere. I accept it and I'm not gonna deny the idea that I'm in a way obsessed about getting married. Like, I'm so excited for it. When it happens I will feel like I have accomplished what I was supposed to accomplish here on Earth. I don't know how to explain it, but that's how I really feel. Like real true happiness won't happen until I'm married and have my own family. I really am the typical mormon; marriage hungry. But like not freakily obsessed about it. Being freakily obsessed about it would mean I have like a book dedicated to dress patterns or checking out weddings rings everyday. THAT'S freakily obsessed. I'm just REALLY REALLY REALLY looking forward to this.
One day I'll look back on this blog and all my rants on getting married and meeting my significant other and I'll smile. Because I accomplished the biggest goal in my life.
I love how I forgot about the challange
...but I'll get to it (eventually)
IT'S FINALLY JUNE!
I THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER COME, BUT HERE IT IS!
I GOT HOME NEXT MONTH-- 47 DAYS TO BE EXACT. HOLY CRAP, I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE AND GO HOME!
AND FALL SEMESTER IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.
--end excitement--
IT'S FINALLY JUNE!
I THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER COME, BUT HERE IT IS!
I GOT HOME NEXT MONTH-- 47 DAYS TO BE EXACT. HOLY CRAP, I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE AND GO HOME!
AND FALL SEMESTER IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.
--end excitement--
tengo que decir que eres el amor de mi vida
Listening to spanish music brings out the romantic in me.
As of today, my future is looking pretty great! I can sense it! And I have a very good feeling about someone. Gotta wait til tomorrow to hear what I need to know to confirm this overwhelming great feeling I'm in. Is it possible though? Could such great things happen to me? I'm so unlucky sometimes, could this news be my silver lining? The sun that rises from a day of darkness?
If it is, I will seriously be the happiest I've been in a long time.
As of today, my future is looking pretty great! I can sense it! And I have a very good feeling about someone. Gotta wait til tomorrow to hear what I need to know to confirm this overwhelming great feeling I'm in. Is it possible though? Could such great things happen to me? I'm so unlucky sometimes, could this news be my silver lining? The sun that rises from a day of darkness?
If it is, I will seriously be the happiest I've been in a long time.
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