there's really no title that can describe this

When I first came to this country everything was so chill and wonderful. I still remember the look on my dad's face when he first saw me after being apart for so long. For a while, he was the center of my life. I loved spending time with my dad. He was my everything. One of our favorite things to do was listen to this duo. They're an Ecuadorian father-daughter duo. I remember sitting with my dad and both of us, together, just singing to this. He sang the dad part, me the girl part. These moments were seriously my favorite. I felt so close to my dad like no other because we shared these experiences.

These moments came into my mind recently and I was trying to figure out their names because I really wanted to listen to the music that contained those memories of happiness and joy with my dad long ago. So I called my mom and she told me. And playing it for the first time in years made me cry. Because all those memories came flowing back. Why can't everything be like before? Why is my dad being taken away from me? All I want is those moments back with my dad. All I will have of my dad's is this; these memories.

It's not fair. How can he not feel guilt as he chooses to abandon me and his family? IHe always told me how much he loved me, that I was the light of his eyes, his "reina". How could all those moments not have meant anything to him? Why has he rejected me? What did I do?

Like, I just want to cry and cry and cry. Because I miss my dad. I miss the way he used to be.

I can't judge my dad for all these wrong decisions that he's made. But how can I not feel totally abandoned by a man, a man that is supposed to be one of the bestest friends I'm supposed to have in my life? A man that is supposed to ALWAYS be there for me when I need him. The only man that I can trust. But no, I don't have such thing.

It really hurts. So much. This is the saddest moment in my life. Realizing that my dad chose to abandon everything he worked hard for one day and all of a sudden decided to just...leave. Just like that.

While I'm here in Idaho, no family, with just $50 to spend every month because that's all my mom can give me; he sends his hard earned money to a women he's never even met in real life and her kid. When asked about the injustice in this, you know what he responded? "She has to deserve it before I send her anything". 


I'm done, I really am. I have come to finally accept that he really is leaving. And at any moment. Leaving my mom alone with 2 college kids and an 11 year old. That's not fair.

I really don't know if I can ever forgive my dad for doing this to us. At first when things were starting to get bad, I didn't really know why. I didn't know about her or all the things that he's been doing for her all this time. But now I do. And I feel so hurt by it. So betrayed, abandoned, and feeling so alone. Because everyone I love leaves me. But my dad's leave is the greatest tragedy of my life. 


Maybe that's why I'm so set on the idea of marriage. Because then, I'll have the type of man that I've always wanted in my life. A man that can love me unconditionally and want to keep our marriage strong. A man that doesn't leave when something "better" comes along.