It's already Monday. Two days of being back in Idaho.
How is it? Well, it's not super awesome, but not super horrible either. Wait, scratch that. Yes it is, just not that much though.
I really do regret switching to the first floor. I should have just stayed with my original plan, which was to share an apartment with Annka and her friend on the 3rd floor. The stairs wouldn't have been such a big deal in the end compared to now--which isn't bad. It's just "eh".
It's really awkward. All my roommates know each other and I'm like the awkward one in the picture. Like a misshapen piece of a puzzle. I gotta understand something. Something that I read on Liz's blog. That just because you're rooming together doesn't mean you have to be friends. I'll talk to them if its necessary, but that's it. I have my own friends here in Rexburg too and I can hang out with them all I want. I just live here haha. Like renting an apartment really. It'll be bearable.
This semester my MAIN priority is school. I need to get my GPA really high up. I'm almost there too--I'm 3.2 and I need it up to at least a 3.7 if I want a scholarship by the start of sophomore year.
Social wise, it shouldn't be too bad. I'm already making some pretty awesome friends :)
and seriously, prayers really are answered :)
Boy wise, NO THANKS. It just wouldn't work out--whoever it could be. Even if we're in the same track.
Being in a relationship is just too time consuming for me.
It steers me away from working on myself and focusing on more important things. Guys are just awkward to talk to. I'm done trying. Wait, that sounds depressing. I mean, I'm not giving up on relationships, just for now its the farthest thing from the front of my mind now. I really want to make my mom proud...and my dad. I want to be less of a financial burden for my mommy now that Adrian starts college in the fall.
It's not going to be so awful being away from my family this time around. Technology is a nice thing--especially video calling :D
Stephanie (from fall semester) arrived today! I'm actually meeting up with her later. I'm so excited! haha
Back to the good ol' west
I'm back to the west again! It definitely is a weird feeling. My break was so long I just can't get over the idea that I'm not going back home till July. Leaving my family was not that hard this time around, but for my mom--she started crying and saying how she's not seeing me until July and she's going to miss me. It must be hard seeing your child leave your side--with no idea whatsoever what they're up to on a daily basis.
For my little sister--she put her brave face on. She knew where I was going and what I'm going to do. She knows I'll eventually come back again.I really love her. She even let me take her One Direction poster (which took a lot of last minute convincing to get her to let me bring it), but she surrendered.
I'm definitely excited about this semester. I'm taking pretty awesome classes too! (except for math, that subject is still gruesome). I brought a ton of pictures to put on my wall. Like a collage. And I brought my Jesus Christ portrait and my Manhattan Temple picture to hang up. And Adrian actually surprised me by giving me a collection of pictures of temples. Yay!
I've been communicating with my would be roommates for this semester. They seem pretty fun. I hope we all get along great--that would make the semester very enjoyable.
How could I forget to bring my Zumba DVD set? I didn't that's for sure. I can't wait to continue with my Zumba while in school and hopefully my roommates want to do it too eventually. It seriously is so much fun! More fun and enjoyable if you're doing it with a bunch of people too! I brought up the idea to Stephanie and she seemed up for it. I hope it works out.
Staying overnight at the airport was so boring. I found a seat on the bottom level near the baggage claim area and stayed there for the remainder of the night and right now, as I type this until Kaydee's plane lands. We're taking the shuttle to Rexburg. Ugh, another long ride. At least I'll have company.
Sleeping here was hard to do. I can't sit in one place for very long because then, everything starts aching. So I think I got a total of two hours of sleep at the airport. And I feel pretty awake! And nothing went wrong! Hallelujah!
So turns out I have to pick up a box of returned things I bought for a specific someone. It would have been nice if he kept them, but he returned them. As in trying to erase any reminder of me? Well, what he gave me I accidently gave away to charity so I guess its fair? Oh well. A free comfy blanket for me! :D
Well, sadly I didn't really take any pictures of my airport "adventure". There really wasn't anything adventurous about it really. But I did snap these.
Then I took these before leaving JFK Airport in New York.
For my little sister--she put her brave face on. She knew where I was going and what I'm going to do. She knows I'll eventually come back again.I really love her. She even let me take her One Direction poster (which took a lot of last minute convincing to get her to let me bring it), but she surrendered.
I'm definitely excited about this semester. I'm taking pretty awesome classes too! (except for math, that subject is still gruesome). I brought a ton of pictures to put on my wall. Like a collage. And I brought my Jesus Christ portrait and my Manhattan Temple picture to hang up. And Adrian actually surprised me by giving me a collection of pictures of temples. Yay!
I've been communicating with my would be roommates for this semester. They seem pretty fun. I hope we all get along great--that would make the semester very enjoyable.
How could I forget to bring my Zumba DVD set? I didn't that's for sure. I can't wait to continue with my Zumba while in school and hopefully my roommates want to do it too eventually. It seriously is so much fun! More fun and enjoyable if you're doing it with a bunch of people too! I brought up the idea to Stephanie and she seemed up for it. I hope it works out.
Staying overnight at the airport was so boring. I found a seat on the bottom level near the baggage claim area and stayed there for the remainder of the night and right now, as I type this until Kaydee's plane lands. We're taking the shuttle to Rexburg. Ugh, another long ride. At least I'll have company.
Sleeping here was hard to do. I can't sit in one place for very long because then, everything starts aching. So I think I got a total of two hours of sleep at the airport. And I feel pretty awake! And nothing went wrong! Hallelujah!
So turns out I have to pick up a box of returned things I bought for a specific someone. It would have been nice if he kept them, but he returned them. As in trying to erase any reminder of me? Well, what he gave me I accidently gave away to charity so I guess its fair? Oh well. A free comfy blanket for me! :D
 |
| At the SLC airport. I would have made this portrait more fun, but try to be fun with 2 hours of sleep no matter how awake you feel. My hair's a mess. |
Then I took these before leaving JFK Airport in New York.
 | |
| Before going into security. My mom was like "take a picture girls!" So we did. | I miss her already. |
 | ||||||||
| Then my mom wanted to take one of us together. |
Tomorrow...I become a hobo
Today's Thursday and I'm freaking out. I fly out tomorrow to Salt Lake and spend the night at the airport. This is a first for me. Last time I flew with my mom and had a place to stay, but now I am on my own. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty pumped about doing something I've never done before, but I'm worried I'll die of boredom. Will I get robbed? Will something bad happen? But I'm definitely documenting this event--wouldn't miss it for the world, so pictures will be up Saturday morning (morning as in like EARLY morning)
We'll see ;)
I really hope security doesn't confiscate anything I'm bringing. I safety packed away potential items in my checked luggage. Like toothpaste, which was confiscated at the SLC airport on my flight in December. How in the world can toothpaste be dangerous?
I'm taking 17 credits this semester, and that includes math too (ew) Ever since I found out about the school awrading money to top GPA students--I have to step up my game and study my butt off this semester so that in the start of fall, I might have the award if I get to a 3.8 or 3.7 GPA and have some of my tuition paid for.
It's really going to be weird being in Rexburg without my favorite gringa, Liz.
But this semester, as I mentioned before, brings a waveful of new people.
So I gotta deal and come out of my comfort zone. \
Spring semester 12'---leeeeeesss go!
We'll see ;)
In terms of packing, I'm 98.5% done. I still need to pack my laptop, my chargers, my sneakers, and my crocs. (yes, I wear them...for comfort after a long day) :)
Hopefully this time around, my suitcase doesn't pass the 50 lbs limit. I really can't afford to pay extra, I'm a going-to-be-poor-pretty-soon college student. Turns out I accidentally paid like $1,068 instead of $800 like I planned to. So now I have like $500 to survive this semester. I literally almost cried when I saw how Iwent from having close to $2000 in the bank that I earned all by my self to a measly $500. It was a sad day.I really hope security doesn't confiscate anything I'm bringing. I safety packed away potential items in my checked luggage. Like toothpaste, which was confiscated at the SLC airport on my flight in December. How in the world can toothpaste be dangerous?
I'm taking 17 credits this semester, and that includes math too (ew) Ever since I found out about the school awrading money to top GPA students--I have to step up my game and study my butt off this semester so that in the start of fall, I might have the award if I get to a 3.8 or 3.7 GPA and have some of my tuition paid for.
It's really going to be weird being in Rexburg without my favorite gringa, Liz.
But this semester, as I mentioned before, brings a waveful of new people.
So I gotta deal and come out of my comfort zone. \
Spring semester 12'---leeeeeesss go!
Like...it's practically here (again!)
This long break has come...and gone. I remember the feeling of excitement I had coming home from fall semester. I still remember the feeling I had during my journey to Rexburg. I remember how much fun I had with my friends, even if fun meant sitting on the couch and watching movies on netflix. Now, it's that time again. A new semester. A new semester with new roommates, new classes, new faces, new guys to gaze dreamily at (i joke, i joke), and new experiences. I really hope being able to become as close to my roommates as last semester because it made my first semester bearable. I enjoyed myself so much with my roommates that I forgot to feel homesick. See, that's the thing about me. I am SUCH a family loving person and ever since I could remember-- I've always had separation issues. I hope that feeling of homesickness doesn't present itself. Hopefully the feeling decides to stay clear.
These past few weeks I have had my own personal revelation. Not "pillar of light and an angel" type, but of thought I guess I can put it. One day, during fast and testimony meeting, it just hit me. What are you doing with your life? That really got me to think about every single bad decision I've made in my life. I thought about how those bad decisions were separating me from my path; my path of life that I wanted to follow and had set for myself. This path includes marrying an RM, temple marriage, kids- basically the whole package and Mormon cliche. I realized that my future family was SO MUCH more important to me than the horrible habits that I was forming. So to the repentance process I went and boy, it was hard! But so worth it in the end and /i feel like I am free from the chain that gripped me for so long.
I took to reading the book The Miracle Of Forgiveness and it is absolutely mind changing. Not only has my whole outlook on the atonement changed, but everything else. My way of making decisions, my way of seeing myself---EVERYTHING. Now I feel like I can finally, FINALLY have that total sense of peace and joy I've wanted for so long. I love the gospel!
"All sins but those excepted by the Lord---basically, the sin against the Holy Ghost, and murder---will be forgiven to those who totally, consistently, and continuously repent in a genuine and comprehensive transformation of life... This earth life is the time to repent. We cannot afford to take any chances of dying an enemy to God."
Back on task, spring semester.
So excited for my classes. I'm taking a 3 hour marriage class on Wednesday afternoons. This is the class I am looking forward to the most. NO, not to come out of that class getting married, but to figure out the reasons and learn more about what I can do to understand my family situation better.
Anywho, I need to get on packing soon or I'm going to end up forgetting something.
Which would suck.
These past few weeks I have had my own personal revelation. Not "pillar of light and an angel" type, but of thought I guess I can put it. One day, during fast and testimony meeting, it just hit me. What are you doing with your life? That really got me to think about every single bad decision I've made in my life. I thought about how those bad decisions were separating me from my path; my path of life that I wanted to follow and had set for myself. This path includes marrying an RM, temple marriage, kids- basically the whole package and Mormon cliche. I realized that my future family was SO MUCH more important to me than the horrible habits that I was forming. So to the repentance process I went and boy, it was hard! But so worth it in the end and /i feel like I am free from the chain that gripped me for so long.
I took to reading the book The Miracle Of Forgiveness and it is absolutely mind changing. Not only has my whole outlook on the atonement changed, but everything else. My way of making decisions, my way of seeing myself---EVERYTHING. Now I feel like I can finally, FINALLY have that total sense of peace and joy I've wanted for so long. I love the gospel!
"All sins but those excepted by the Lord---basically, the sin against the Holy Ghost, and murder---will be forgiven to those who totally, consistently, and continuously repent in a genuine and comprehensive transformation of life... This earth life is the time to repent. We cannot afford to take any chances of dying an enemy to God."
Back on task, spring semester.
So excited for my classes. I'm taking a 3 hour marriage class on Wednesday afternoons. This is the class I am looking forward to the most. NO, not to come out of that class getting married, but to figure out the reasons and learn more about what I can do to understand my family situation better.
Anywho, I need to get on packing soon or I'm going to end up forgetting something.
Which would suck.
I feel unstoppable in my knee high boots
First of all, I'd never even consider even wearing knee high boots like 2 years ago. I didn't want to be like everyone else. Plus, I had my shoe issue, but that can be fixed if you look hard enough :)
I wear them with black leggings, black pants, and my favorite super skinny jeans that make my legs look like whoa. Lately, I have such a great feeling in my heart. I feel so lightweight and happy; like a feather. When I walk down the street with my music playing in my ears I feel like I can really fly if I jumped up and tried.
I wore my favorite tight black plants, a silk black top, and my brown knee highs. And boy, whenever I walked I could feel eyes on me. This is silly. I FEEL it's silly behavior; thinking so fully of myself. Oh well.
ANYWAY, aside from my usual self centeredness; life is grand, just grand. I love my job, my little kiddies, and my new-found sense of adulthood, although not there yet. Almost there; at the adulthood part- I'm getting there.
So on Sunday, I go to YSA. And what would you know; an unexpected guest returns for spring break from college. This guy, oh boy. I grew up with him basically...sorta. I never really paid attention until I was 12 then boom! So instead of explaining every single detail about him; I'll recap. I never noticed it before, but he's really handsome. Not unbelievably Adam Levine, Adrian Brody, William Levy handsome, but enough to make you want to get a better look and just stare. He has one of the best looking jawlines I've ever seen. And most of all, his hands.
That's on thing I've noticed bout myself lately; noticing every attractive quality in a guy. And I've also noticed that teenage guys don't appeal to me anymore. They just seem childlike and stupid. Older guys are much more enticing. Like guys a couple years older than me. Like 22. THOSE types.
Also, I'm in a pickle. It seems that mostly every new missionary that comes to the ward- I get gogo eyes over. It's like...I don't even know. I get so happy just being in their presence. And I love grabbing their attention- his attention. And making them laugh. No, this happens with every missionary I encounter. It's stupid and useless because the chances of me seeing them ever again after they transfer and get off their missions are like 0. Why are missionaries so adorably good looking?
Only a couple more days till registration then going back to rexburg will seem more real.
Off to the mattress I go!
nighhhhhttt.
I wear them with black leggings, black pants, and my favorite super skinny jeans that make my legs look like whoa. Lately, I have such a great feeling in my heart. I feel so lightweight and happy; like a feather. When I walk down the street with my music playing in my ears I feel like I can really fly if I jumped up and tried.
I wore my favorite tight black plants, a silk black top, and my brown knee highs. And boy, whenever I walked I could feel eyes on me. This is silly. I FEEL it's silly behavior; thinking so fully of myself. Oh well.
ANYWAY, aside from my usual self centeredness; life is grand, just grand. I love my job, my little kiddies, and my new-found sense of adulthood, although not there yet. Almost there; at the adulthood part- I'm getting there.
So on Sunday, I go to YSA. And what would you know; an unexpected guest returns for spring break from college. This guy, oh boy. I grew up with him basically...sorta. I never really paid attention until I was 12 then boom! So instead of explaining every single detail about him; I'll recap. I never noticed it before, but he's really handsome. Not unbelievably Adam Levine, Adrian Brody, William Levy handsome, but enough to make you want to get a better look and just stare. He has one of the best looking jawlines I've ever seen. And most of all, his hands.
That's on thing I've noticed bout myself lately; noticing every attractive quality in a guy. And I've also noticed that teenage guys don't appeal to me anymore. They just seem childlike and stupid. Older guys are much more enticing. Like guys a couple years older than me. Like 22. THOSE types.
Also, I'm in a pickle. It seems that mostly every new missionary that comes to the ward- I get gogo eyes over. It's like...I don't even know. I get so happy just being in their presence. And I love grabbing their attention- his attention. And making them laugh. No, this happens with every missionary I encounter. It's stupid and useless because the chances of me seeing them ever again after they transfer and get off their missions are like 0. Why are missionaries so adorably good looking?
Only a couple more days till registration then going back to rexburg will seem more real.
Off to the mattress I go!
nighhhhhttt.
Fridays
I really do love Fridays. Do I go out?
Nope. Cause I much rather spend it with my family. And spend it listening to music and just thinking about things. And especially singing along to music. I love the feeling of knowing that I don't have to do anything for the next two days.
I put on Pandora, set it to my 90s music playlist, then it's like a rush of nostalgia to me. The beginning, the start of, my childhood and past blast through my speakers. With each new song from these times, the memories come along with them. Then there are the songs that have to do with no past, no present- just memories that they have attached with each of them. P!nk's "Raise Your Glass" with the memory of jamming out with Mike at the Harvest Ball after a breakup a few years back. K, bye.
lol
Nope. Cause I much rather spend it with my family. And spend it listening to music and just thinking about things. And especially singing along to music. I love the feeling of knowing that I don't have to do anything for the next two days.
I put on Pandora, set it to my 90s music playlist, then it's like a rush of nostalgia to me. The beginning, the start of, my childhood and past blast through my speakers. With each new song from these times, the memories come along with them. Then there are the songs that have to do with no past, no present- just memories that they have attached with each of them. P!nk's "Raise Your Glass" with the memory of jamming out with Mike at the Harvest Ball after a breakup a few years back. K, bye.
lol
sore toe
I can feel my toe throbbing and I have no idea why it's swollen.
And my mouth is sour, but I don't feel like getting up for a drink. Ugh.
Sometimes though, with reading all this lovey dovey Twilight- I miss those moments. That rush when he showed up at the door unannounced, that feel of being protected by someone other than some family member and especially the feeling of belonging to someone. Having someone care about you in a way other than like a friend, sister, ect.
They say live life to its fullest, but why can't that include a meaningful relationship too?
Being with someone doesn't mean giving up on the fun things in life. Like I've always said it's good to find a balance between those two things.
I really hate sounding like SUCH a broken record, but for me I really do love thinking about my future and who I'll end up with sealed in the temple. I admit it; I'm obsessed with anything that has to do with love. The wooing, the conquest, the occasional failure, and even the heartbreak. Because from each new relationship, no matter how it is, always ends up teaching me something about relationships in general and how I could improve myself and need to do differently the next time around. From all these relationships I've been in, from dating one of my brother's friends to a brazilian dude to dating someone from the other side of the country; I see myself way more experienced than when I first started dating.
I'm not going to succumb to the whole societal "be single and have fun!" idea. I mean, ok that's cool and I'm up for it, but while I'm "having fun", I also want to try to pick apart the different qualities of the different guys I'm with and jumble them together to someday find the guy who has every single quality, both big and small. From kind and hilariously funny to dedication and passion.
Basically, I just described what dating is.
Hahahahahaha
But really, my toe is like really throbbing. It's so annoying. Now how am I supposed to zumba tomorrow with a silly swollen toe most likely caused by zumba itself? Endure of course!
So glad it's Thursday tomorrow. Then Friday. Then one step closer to that smile. Like seriously, this guy's smile is like whoa. And he's so nice. And an awesome translation buddy.
Seriously, missionaries are awesome.
And my mouth is sour, but I don't feel like getting up for a drink. Ugh.
Sometimes though, with reading all this lovey dovey Twilight- I miss those moments. That rush when he showed up at the door unannounced, that feel of being protected by someone other than some family member and especially the feeling of belonging to someone. Having someone care about you in a way other than like a friend, sister, ect.
They say live life to its fullest, but why can't that include a meaningful relationship too?
Being with someone doesn't mean giving up on the fun things in life. Like I've always said it's good to find a balance between those two things.
I really hate sounding like SUCH a broken record, but for me I really do love thinking about my future and who I'll end up with sealed in the temple. I admit it; I'm obsessed with anything that has to do with love. The wooing, the conquest, the occasional failure, and even the heartbreak. Because from each new relationship, no matter how it is, always ends up teaching me something about relationships in general and how I could improve myself and need to do differently the next time around. From all these relationships I've been in, from dating one of my brother's friends to a brazilian dude to dating someone from the other side of the country; I see myself way more experienced than when I first started dating.
I'm not going to succumb to the whole societal "be single and have fun!" idea. I mean, ok that's cool and I'm up for it, but while I'm "having fun", I also want to try to pick apart the different qualities of the different guys I'm with and jumble them together to someday find the guy who has every single quality, both big and small. From kind and hilariously funny to dedication and passion.
Basically, I just described what dating is.
Hahahahahaha
But really, my toe is like really throbbing. It's so annoying. Now how am I supposed to zumba tomorrow with a silly swollen toe most likely caused by zumba itself? Endure of course!
So glad it's Thursday tomorrow. Then Friday. Then one step closer to that smile. Like seriously, this guy's smile is like whoa. And he's so nice. And an awesome translation buddy.
Seriously, missionaries are awesome.
I love the Lord
I finally decided to take a break from the spanish gospel doctrine class and decided to go to my YSA sunday school class. Only 3 people, me included. And the other 2 were girls too. So lame.
But the lesson was amazing. Especially the song he played for us.
"I Love the Lord" by the BYU Men's Choir
I really try so hard to be a better daughter to the Lord. I really want this because it could be the greatest accomplishment of my life for me.
But the lesson was amazing. Especially the song he played for us.
"I Love the Lord" by the BYU Men's Choir
I love the Lord, in Him my soul delights.
Upon His word, I ponder day and night.
He’s heard my cry, brought visions to my sleep,
And kept me safe o’er deserts and the deep.
He’s filled my heart with His consuming love,
And borne me high on wings of His great dove.
Upon His word, I ponder day and night.
He’s heard my cry, brought visions to my sleep,
And kept me safe o’er deserts and the deep.
He’s filled my heart with His consuming love,
And borne me high on wings of His great dove.
Yet oft I groan, “O wretched man am I”
My flesh is weak and I’m encompassed by
A world of sin, which holds me in it’s thrall,
If I give in and to temptations fall.
Then strength grows slack, I waste in sorrow’s vale;
My peace destroyed, my enemies prevail.
My flesh is weak and I’m encompassed by
A world of sin, which holds me in it’s thrall,
If I give in and to temptations fall.
Then strength grows slack, I waste in sorrow’s vale;
My peace destroyed, my enemies prevail.
Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin.
Rejoice, my heart! And let me praise again,
The Lord my God, who is my rock and stay
To keep me strict upon His straight, plain way.
Oh let me shake at the first sight of sin
And thus escape my foes without and in.
Rejoice, my heart! And let me praise again,
The Lord my God, who is my rock and stay
To keep me strict upon His straight, plain way.
Oh let me shake at the first sight of sin
And thus escape my foes without and in.
We talked about this part in 2nd Nephi where Nephi calls himself a "wretched man".
Now, why would he call himself that if he was the closest to perfect example of steadfastness and faith?
He noted that despite his dedication to being faithful; he still had weak moments that he had to work EXTREMELY hard to overcome.
That got me thinking, especially now where I'm falling into old habits that I've been working years to overcome. I'm trying to be "good" again and to keep promises that I've made with the Lord numerous times, but being the weakling I am; I have broken them again and again. The thing is, I feel like I am abusing the power of the atonement. I feel sometimes like I have used my chances for forgiveness up. Could that be just me overthinking again? I know the Lord loves us, I KNOW he is ALWAYS willing to welcome us hard headed stubborn children into His arms. I really wish I had the strength to overcome my weak human moments like Nephi. Although it doesn't say in the scriptures; I know for a fact that Nephi faced temptation both in his every day life as well as in his own thoughts. I need his strength. I really do. I feel trapped sometimes though. My thoughts are what trap me in the first place and that's my fault because I feel I somehow allow these thoughts into my mind most of the time. The other half of the time I wash them out with my dedication to keep myself good and Christ like for my future family and especially the Lord.
I think that sometimes I want to see how far I can go before I completely cross the line and the thing is that I cross the line with just the thought of wanting to see how far I can go without crossing the line. Like I said, thoughts are what bring me to do these things. Today; I somehow went from being perfectly fine to crossing the line. Like I said, it all starts with thoughts. And those thoughts come from the things you expose yourself to. I really need to work harder. Really hard to control my thoughts. With controlling what comes into my mind I control my actions.
I really try so hard to be a better daughter to the Lord. I really want this because it could be the greatest accomplishment of my life for me.
Can you run out of tears?
Cause if you add mine up, I think I'm out.
Or should be out.
If the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, why do I feel like I'm gonna crumple at any moment?
Everything I do isn't good enough and everything that brings me at least a bit of happiness never lasts.
And right now, despite everyone that cares about me and everyone I love
I feel so alone.
And sometimes I just wanna disappear because everything is never right.
I can never have that bit of happiness in my life.
Not even a bit.
I know it's not true and there are things in my life that do bring me happiness, but those things aren't what I want. Some rarely are.
I sound so emo right now.
Whatever.
Cause if you add mine up, I think I'm out.
Or should be out.
If the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, why do I feel like I'm gonna crumple at any moment?
Everything I do isn't good enough and everything that brings me at least a bit of happiness never lasts.
And right now, despite everyone that cares about me and everyone I love
I feel so alone.
And sometimes I just wanna disappear because everything is never right.
I can never have that bit of happiness in my life.
Not even a bit.
I know it's not true and there are things in my life that do bring me happiness, but those things aren't what I want. Some rarely are.
I sound so emo right now.
Whatever.
Dude
...no.
Brain, this is not cool so stop. No boys... so get this one out of your mind.
But, I always wondered...what if.
Anyway, there's no harm in flirting as long as no further feelings develop right? I really am trying so hard to give myself a break from relationships and liking someone, but nooooo. The inner hopeless romantic in me is like running wild.
Chill out Jess. Seriously.
I guess I'm taking this whole "search for your companion" phrase from my blessing too literally.
But I can't not think about it.
I'm seriously going to go crazy.
uuggggggh.
Ehh, whatever.
I'm just not going to care about not caring about relationships.
I'll think about it, just not put it into action. THERE.
Now back to listening to Elvis Crespo.
Good Night and buenas noches!
Brain, this is not cool so stop. No boys... so get this one out of your mind.
But, I always wondered...what if.
Anyway, there's no harm in flirting as long as no further feelings develop right? I really am trying so hard to give myself a break from relationships and liking someone, but nooooo. The inner hopeless romantic in me is like running wild.
Chill out Jess. Seriously.
I guess I'm taking this whole "search for your companion" phrase from my blessing too literally.
But I can't not think about it.
I'm seriously going to go crazy.
uuggggggh.
Ehh, whatever.
I'm just not going to care about not caring about relationships.
I'll think about it, just not put it into action. THERE.
Now back to listening to Elvis Crespo.
Good Night and buenas noches!
Shoot.
I had a photo shoot with my cat the other day before going off to work and the following are the end products.
Not bad.
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| Definitely my favorite! |
And of course my little cotton ball Josie.Life's too short
...to hold grudges about things you don't have control over and things that happen for your own good. Grudges are what start wars. And deaths. And antisocial behavior.
Let's just all hold hands and be friends ok?
And worry about being happy.
And not about silly things like boys...for now.
Sometimes I wanna sing out loud.
And I do.
Because I don't care.
Like I said, life's too short to be stupid about silly things like drama, being an angry ex, and hating on people who you care about-even though sometimes you doubt it.
But come on, beeeeee happy!
Let's just all hold hands and be friends ok?
And worry about being happy.
And not about silly things like boys...for now.
Sometimes I wanna sing out loud.
And I do.
Because I don't care.
Like I said, life's too short to be stupid about silly things like drama, being an angry ex, and hating on people who you care about-even though sometimes you doubt it.
But come on, beeeeee happy!
vampires
Whenever my mom is mad, she always gets mad at me for not putting dishes away and washing them. I really hate that. And then she starts complaining how I never do anything around the house and am lazy. First of all, I work all week. The weekends are the only times I have off. I have the right to be lazy at least once a week and not get accused for doing something I usually always do, but not doing for once. I'm not the freaking maid ya know. Just because I'm the oldest doesn't mean that I should be the one to wash dishes and clean. This is house is overflowing with sexism. AND WHY IN THE WORLD IS THE HEATER TURNED ALL THE WAY UP, I'M DYING OVER HERE. We're not in the Arctic, geez.
I've been nice to Sebastian and stuff. I invited him to the last dance ok. But don't expect me to be the miracle worker and fix his social life. I introduced him to my friends, I'm nice to him but stop expecting me to do everything for him. He has to start fending on his own or he'll never learn. That's how I learned and I'm fine. I made it on my own practically my whole life.
I really want to go back to Rexburg. I really don't like it here. It was nice at first and I have my moments where I'm happy I'm home, but a majority of the time it's always a pain in my head whenever I'm here. I'm accused for this, I'm blamed for that, I get screamed at, blahhhh blahhhh argghghghghghggggh!
DUDE, I just got the most intense inbox in the history of all inboxes. I'm LOLing so hard right now cause I would never in a million years expect that. Especially not them. Two people that have changed my life. Like whoa. But of course, it all depends on her definition of it though. But seriously?
On a brighter note, I decided to start reading the Twilight series again. It's actually not that bad. I don't see why people make such a big deal. It's just a love story. A love story I want. Of course, I'm never going to find a romantic vampire in my life, but someone like that. With that great amount of passion for someone and that desire to keep them safe and happy and just the thought of losing them pains them. Ahh, I could only wait patiently.
On an even brighter BRIGHTER note, I currently have $738 saved up for college next semester. And I still have more paychecks to be deposited in my account.
I've been nice to Sebastian and stuff. I invited him to the last dance ok. But don't expect me to be the miracle worker and fix his social life. I introduced him to my friends, I'm nice to him but stop expecting me to do everything for him. He has to start fending on his own or he'll never learn. That's how I learned and I'm fine. I made it on my own practically my whole life.
I really want to go back to Rexburg. I really don't like it here. It was nice at first and I have my moments where I'm happy I'm home, but a majority of the time it's always a pain in my head whenever I'm here. I'm accused for this, I'm blamed for that, I get screamed at, blahhhh blahhhh argghghghghghggggh!
DUDE, I just got the most intense inbox in the history of all inboxes. I'm LOLing so hard right now cause I would never in a million years expect that. Especially not them. Two people that have changed my life. Like whoa. But of course, it all depends on her definition of it though. But seriously?
On a brighter note, I decided to start reading the Twilight series again. It's actually not that bad. I don't see why people make such a big deal. It's just a love story. A love story I want. Of course, I'm never going to find a romantic vampire in my life, but someone like that. With that great amount of passion for someone and that desire to keep them safe and happy and just the thought of losing them pains them. Ahh, I could only wait patiently.
On an even brighter BRIGHTER note, I currently have $738 saved up for college next semester. And I still have more paychecks to be deposited in my account.
a haircut means many things
For me, every time I get a haircut it feels like a fresh new start. A fresh start in what?
Ehhhhh, everything.
Like a chapter in my life is over and I'm finally 100000% ready to move on.
Ehhhhh, everything.
Like a chapter in my life is over and I'm finally 100000% ready to move on.
Here's to the future and everything that is to come; both good and bad.
Better late then never huh?
Thumbs up!
lol, please excuse retarded thumb.
lol.
Sometimes I just wanna whack him in the head
I seriously almost died of anger today. I felt like I just wanted to take my things and leave. I raised my voice, I threatened to bring him to the office, I bribed him--nothing worked! This kid called me an "underwear face" even. And a jerk. I seriously was so close to wacking him in the head, but luckily I stopped myself. That wouldn't be good at all, if I got fired for child abuse :P
Also, Ryan (that's his name) told me how he hates his mom. He told me how he wanted to hit and punch her in the face. This kid is 4 years old. Seriously, this kid is going to have problems if he doesn't clean up his act.
My patience is wearing out with this kid.
"Breathe, breathe, breathe"
If I'm going to work with kids, my patience has to be at its highest.
That's another thing; my major, my career plans.
I don't know exactly what I wanna do. I'm considering being a preschool teacher, but with my experience with this kid and the constant headaches- ehh. We'll see. Everything will fall into place.
I seriously can't wait till spring semester. It's gonna be awesome.
Same ward as fall semester since I'll be in Mountain Pines with Annka. Oh well.
New people=new RMs=happy me.
ANNNNND fall semester gets better since I'll be rooming with the best roommate in history.
My favorite New Yorker Liz :)
And I'll see my favorite people; like Luna.
Instead of worrying about stupid guys that give you endless headaches, I'm going to enjoy myself.
I'm gonna play....hmmm what's the word?
Someone worth fighting for. And it's going to be quite a challenge, mwahaha!
But that's what I want. As corny and dreamlike as it sounds; I want to be "wooed"
I want to be chased for once. Maybe by that, my future romances won't turn out like shambles.
For now, who cares about guys.
I started reading the Book of Mormon in Spanish last week. I actually understand it better than reading it in English. Weird. Here I was, trying to be as American as possible. Speaking english, reading it, listening to it...rejecting my roots and my language. Now I find myself listening to spanish music, reading spanish, even dancing it! I really love it. I even attend the spanish sunday school at church and it's actually better than the ones I've been so accustomed to attending. I'll miss that when I go back to school.
But that's life.
Gotta take it as it comes and sit back and accept it. Because there's always a reason.
Always.
Also, Ryan (that's his name) told me how he hates his mom. He told me how he wanted to hit and punch her in the face. This kid is 4 years old. Seriously, this kid is going to have problems if he doesn't clean up his act.
My patience is wearing out with this kid.
"Breathe, breathe, breathe"
If I'm going to work with kids, my patience has to be at its highest.
That's another thing; my major, my career plans.
I don't know exactly what I wanna do. I'm considering being a preschool teacher, but with my experience with this kid and the constant headaches- ehh. We'll see. Everything will fall into place.
I seriously can't wait till spring semester. It's gonna be awesome.
Same ward as fall semester since I'll be in Mountain Pines with Annka. Oh well.
New people=new RMs=happy me.
ANNNNND fall semester gets better since I'll be rooming with the best roommate in history.
My favorite New Yorker Liz :)
And I'll see my favorite people; like Luna.
Instead of worrying about stupid guys that give you endless headaches, I'm going to enjoy myself.
I'm gonna play....hmmm what's the word?
Someone worth fighting for. And it's going to be quite a challenge, mwahaha!
But that's what I want. As corny and dreamlike as it sounds; I want to be "wooed"
I want to be chased for once. Maybe by that, my future romances won't turn out like shambles.
For now, who cares about guys.
I started reading the Book of Mormon in Spanish last week. I actually understand it better than reading it in English. Weird. Here I was, trying to be as American as possible. Speaking english, reading it, listening to it...rejecting my roots and my language. Now I find myself listening to spanish music, reading spanish, even dancing it! I really love it. I even attend the spanish sunday school at church and it's actually better than the ones I've been so accustomed to attending. I'll miss that when I go back to school.
But that's life.
Gotta take it as it comes and sit back and accept it. Because there's always a reason.
Always.
menea, menea, menea
I can spend hours dancing to this. Either once the music's over or my feet are sore; whichever comes first.
New passion discovered.
Like whoa.
New passion discovered.
Like whoa.
Note
1. handsome murderers...I really wouldn't mind being murdered by an unbelievably handsome murderer. It gives me a rush of adrenaline thinking about it. Maybe not murdered, perhaps abducted. I really wouldn't care what he did with me.
Haha, I'm obsessed.
Note: Currently watching a movie with the most unbelievably handsome murderer named Richard.
Rsyjtgsatkcddxhyswfj, WHY IS HE SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD LOOKING!?
OH MY GOOOOOOOSH.
Aww, he just died.
What a waste of a handsome face.
I gotta chill.
This obsession with murderous men is kinda creeping me out.
But seriously, I can't wait to be in my twenties and go out with men.
Not teenagers, but men.
More mature. more experience,
They are more into commitment- depending on the guy. Most teenage guys just want a good time, just the concept of having a girlfriend and feeling wanted. They want to be, what's the word? Free.
I'm not young anymore.
Only 19, but I feel older than my age.
I want to finish college, graduate, be successful. Sounds great right?
But what always plays in my mind is being part of the Mormon stereotype.
Get married in my early twenties and start a family.
But I want my degree too.
But just because I might get married in college; especially the college known for its marriages doesn't mean I won't.
Also, not everyone gets married while in college.
My YW leader; she attended BYUI too back when it was Ricks College, got married way after college.
I'm just crazy I guess.
Typical Mormon girl.
Oh well, gotta live with it.
Oh,
2. Guys with mustaches. Totally depends though.
On guys,
ehhhhh.
BUT ON ATTRACTIVE MEN
:)
Haha, so weird.
Haha, I'm obsessed.
Note: Currently watching a movie with the most unbelievably handsome murderer named Richard.
Rsyjtgsatkcddxhyswfj, WHY IS HE SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD LOOKING!?
OH MY GOOOOOOOSH.
Aww, he just died.
What a waste of a handsome face.
I gotta chill.
This obsession with murderous men is kinda creeping me out.
But seriously, I can't wait to be in my twenties and go out with men.
Not teenagers, but men.
More mature. more experience,
They are more into commitment- depending on the guy. Most teenage guys just want a good time, just the concept of having a girlfriend and feeling wanted. They want to be, what's the word? Free.
I'm not young anymore.
Only 19, but I feel older than my age.
I want to finish college, graduate, be successful. Sounds great right?
But what always plays in my mind is being part of the Mormon stereotype.
Get married in my early twenties and start a family.
But I want my degree too.
But just because I might get married in college; especially the college known for its marriages doesn't mean I won't.
Also, not everyone gets married while in college.
My YW leader; she attended BYUI too back when it was Ricks College, got married way after college.
I'm just crazy I guess.
Typical Mormon girl.
Oh well, gotta live with it.
Oh,
2. Guys with mustaches. Totally depends though.
On guys,
ehhhhh.
BUT ON ATTRACTIVE MEN
:)
Haha, so weird.
The night is deadly
It really is.
Here I am, trying to watch a bit of Grease before dozing off, but no.
Everything rushes back.
Everything. From the beginning to the end.
Dear heart,
Just stop.
You're driving me crazy.
Dear brain,
Stop bringing these memories back.
They hurt to remember.
No matter how many times I tell myself to get over this, at the randomest moments it'll all come to mind. With whatever I do- always in the back of my mind.
Here I am, trying to watch a bit of Grease before dozing off, but no.
Everything rushes back.
Everything. From the beginning to the end.
Dear heart,
Just stop.
You're driving me crazy.
Dear brain,
Stop bringing these memories back.
They hurt to remember.
No matter how many times I tell myself to get over this, at the randomest moments it'll all come to mind. With whatever I do- always in the back of my mind.
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