Today I met up with Anton.
It was nice, catching up with him and stuff, but it made me wonder why in the world I ever went out with him. I mean, he's a nice guy and all, but he's just not my type. I guess I never got to really know him before being together. And then I realized how lucky I am to have such an amazing guy that I really enjoy spending time with as well as enjoying the perks of being in a relationship if ya catch my drift ;)
I really miss him.
Whenever I see couples walking by, holding hands, I'm like "awwww, I miss my Cainan"
Even though I haven't really spoken to you lately, I hope (and I know) that you read this.
Even though we are tons of miles away, my heart is still with you. Until I see you again, it will remain incomplete. I really don't know what my life would be the same without you. Probably the same, but I wouldn't have those moments where I remember the first time you came up to me and called me short, the first time you held my hand, and the last kiss we shared before I left to come back to New York, and I smile to myself and my mom asks me, "what are you smiling about?" and I'm like, "memories". I don't want you to feel like I have forgotten about you cause no matter what I'm doing, you're always on the back of my mind.
I love you, never forget that.
New Years Eve, as I stand in Times Square with my best friend and look over as we reach 2012, I'll look to my side and die a little bit inside because you're not here with me to spend one of the happiest times I love, starting over and turning over a new leaf. There's no one I would rather spend it then with you, starting off the new year with an amazing guy who has taught me so much in this short time we've been together.
I hope this makes up for my absence this week. The last time you called, I was asleep. I'm not very good with returning calls. But I know that by you reading my blog, which I know you read, it'll be like talking to you. I can hear your voice now, reciting all I have written back to me and I will be like "really? You actually read my stuff?"
The thing though is, I don't want to let myself get vulnerable by being all open about everything.
Cause there are the chances, who knows how big or small, that my words will be crushed- bringing me along with them.
I should be a lawyer
...cause I'm pretty good at winning arguments.
A negotiation here and there...I get what I want.
Mwahahahahahaha.
The post below me? Pretty dramatic, but it helped me clear my head and fall asleep faster last night.
My life doesn't suck.
At least not that much.
:P
A negotiation here and there...I get what I want.
Mwahahahahahaha.
The post below me? Pretty dramatic, but it helped me clear my head and fall asleep faster last night.
My life doesn't suck.
At least not that much.
:P
Home is where the mountains are
I hate it here.
Can I go back?
Where there aren't mistrusting people constantly bothering me about my life and what I do.
I hate being treated like a stupid little girl.
No trust in what I do.
I'm just expected to stay locked in all day?
No thanks.
I might have been fine with that before, but not anymore.
I guess I forgot what a hell living here is.
Constantly watched and having people butt into your business. Feeling like a prisoner on a constant basis.
I should have stayed in Rexburg winter semester. I don't know if I can bear 3 months of feeling on lockdown. Please job god, land me those jobs I applied for so I can get away from here.
To top it all off I feel like dying because of this stupid sore throat. I can't sleep because of it.
I miss college. And my friends. And being on my own and not having someone bug me the way my mom does. And even my brother acting like my dad, no thanks. No one asked you. I've been fine without one.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
No one.
Let me wallow in my pathetic life.
Can I go back?
Where there aren't mistrusting people constantly bothering me about my life and what I do.
I hate being treated like a stupid little girl.
No trust in what I do.
I'm just expected to stay locked in all day?
No thanks.
I might have been fine with that before, but not anymore.
I guess I forgot what a hell living here is.
Constantly watched and having people butt into your business. Feeling like a prisoner on a constant basis.
I should have stayed in Rexburg winter semester. I don't know if I can bear 3 months of feeling on lockdown. Please job god, land me those jobs I applied for so I can get away from here.
To top it all off I feel like dying because of this stupid sore throat. I can't sleep because of it.
I miss college. And my friends. And being on my own and not having someone bug me the way my mom does. And even my brother acting like my dad, no thanks. No one asked you. I've been fine without one.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
No one.
Let me wallow in my pathetic life.
I forgot how annoying my sister is
That title pretty much explains it all.
She's seriously so annoying. So I'm sitting on my bed singing along to some Backstreet Boys and she just comes in and sits there. I know this is mean, but sometimes her presence really annoys me. She makes too much noise just to annoy me. I ask her to stop and she just mimics me or insults me in the stupidest way possible. I try really hard to not scream my head off at her to leave me alone and it works half of the time. The other times I just scream at her and she starts crying and saying I don't love her. It's actually pretty funny to watch sometimes. The things she says sometimes....hahahahahahaha, so ridiculous. Like this morning she hands me a pad and she was like, "here, for your problem." What problem do I have? It was funny even though it made no sense. I guess you could say that it was a "you had to be there moment."
I really hate that feeling. You know that feeling of a very itchy spot on your back that you can't reach? That one. Where's my backscratching device?
I had the best experience today. A bit silly and stupid, but it was soooooo much fun.
I danced to my ipod.
I had my earphones in as I worked out since sometimes hearing Bob Harber's voice is annoying. With my music in I had even more energy than I normally have when I work out. Then a very upbeat crazy song came on and I just danced like a crazy person. I don't even know if you could call what I did dancing. After a bunch of jumping, dramatic arm movements, hip swaying (so much fun), and clumsy turns, I tired myself out and then I went to shower. Then I saw a commercial for Zumba. This latin dancing DVD series. OHMYGOSH. I then knew what I wanted for Christmas. I wanna learn how to dance in spanish. Like seriously, we hispanics have awesome hip moving skills; so much fun.
It surprises me that I've been awake today since I've been running on like 5 hours of sleep.
I went to bed at like 2am, fell asleep, received a call from this guy who is pretty much the reason why I couldn't fall asleep in the first place at like 4:30ish, then I couldn't fall asleep anymore and I went and got myself a bowl of cereal, sat on the couch, and watched music videos.
Somehow I'm not dead yet.
I mean I did get some nap time in my day maybe that's why.
On other matters -
How do you know that you've met the love of your life?
Cause that's what I wanna know.
I love how warm and comfy your neck is. Your cheesy smile that's so cute. I like your adorable eye twitches. Your smell. Your hands. Your back. The way you look at me. The way you hold me when you kiss me. Your hugs. Your way of mimicking me. The feel of your head on my shoulder. The look on your face when you believe me when I'm joking around with you. The way you try to convince me that I have a cute nose. Your weird scenarios. The feeling I get when I see you. The look on your face when you're concentrating on something. The sound of your voice. And especially the effect your absence has on me whenever we're apart tells me that I love you more than I knew I could love someone other than my family.
Haha, I can be cheesy, but it's so true.
Like my mom told me yesterday, when you're obedient and follow the right, the Lord places the most wonderful people in your life.
She's seriously so annoying. So I'm sitting on my bed singing along to some Backstreet Boys and she just comes in and sits there. I know this is mean, but sometimes her presence really annoys me. She makes too much noise just to annoy me. I ask her to stop and she just mimics me or insults me in the stupidest way possible. I try really hard to not scream my head off at her to leave me alone and it works half of the time. The other times I just scream at her and she starts crying and saying I don't love her. It's actually pretty funny to watch sometimes. The things she says sometimes....hahahahahahaha, so ridiculous. Like this morning she hands me a pad and she was like, "here, for your problem." What problem do I have? It was funny even though it made no sense. I guess you could say that it was a "you had to be there moment."
I really hate that feeling. You know that feeling of a very itchy spot on your back that you can't reach? That one. Where's my backscratching device?
I had the best experience today. A bit silly and stupid, but it was soooooo much fun.
I danced to my ipod.
I had my earphones in as I worked out since sometimes hearing Bob Harber's voice is annoying. With my music in I had even more energy than I normally have when I work out. Then a very upbeat crazy song came on and I just danced like a crazy person. I don't even know if you could call what I did dancing. After a bunch of jumping, dramatic arm movements, hip swaying (so much fun), and clumsy turns, I tired myself out and then I went to shower. Then I saw a commercial for Zumba. This latin dancing DVD series. OHMYGOSH. I then knew what I wanted for Christmas. I wanna learn how to dance in spanish. Like seriously, we hispanics have awesome hip moving skills; so much fun.
It surprises me that I've been awake today since I've been running on like 5 hours of sleep.
I went to bed at like 2am, fell asleep, received a call from this guy who is pretty much the reason why I couldn't fall asleep in the first place at like 4:30ish, then I couldn't fall asleep anymore and I went and got myself a bowl of cereal, sat on the couch, and watched music videos.
Somehow I'm not dead yet.
I mean I did get some nap time in my day maybe that's why.
On other matters -
How do you know that you've met the love of your life?
Cause that's what I wanna know.
I love how warm and comfy your neck is. Your cheesy smile that's so cute. I like your adorable eye twitches. Your smell. Your hands. Your back. The way you look at me. The way you hold me when you kiss me. Your hugs. Your way of mimicking me. The feel of your head on my shoulder. The look on your face when you believe me when I'm joking around with you. The way you try to convince me that I have a cute nose. Your weird scenarios. The feeling I get when I see you. The look on your face when you're concentrating on something. The sound of your voice. And especially the effect your absence has on me whenever we're apart tells me that I love you more than I knew I could love someone other than my family.
Haha, I can be cheesy, but it's so true.
Like my mom told me yesterday, when you're obedient and follow the right, the Lord places the most wonderful people in your life.
Withdrawls
I miss Rexburg already.
It's great to be home and all, but I feel like my heart is missing something, not complete.
I miss my friends.
I miss the mountains.
And I miss Cainan... a lot.
But I'm home.
With my family.
And my bed.
And my adorable pets.
But it would be so much better if he was here with me.
But I can do it, he told me on our last night together to be strong.
And I will be.
Love is something that I've never really experienced until all I thought about was you, everything I did somehow connected back to you, I loved talking about you to my friends, my siblings, my mom, my church leaders...ect, and every song that reminded me of you and us made me cry.
This seems so unreal, but it's happening and I never want it to end.
But, like I always tell myself when I'm really missing someone - distance makes the heart grow fonder.
It's great to be home and all, but I feel like my heart is missing something, not complete.
I miss my friends.
I miss the mountains.
And I miss Cainan... a lot.
But I'm home.
With my family.
And my bed.
And my adorable pets.
But it would be so much better if he was here with me.
But I can do it, he told me on our last night together to be strong.
And I will be.
Love is something that I've never really experienced until all I thought about was you, everything I did somehow connected back to you, I loved talking about you to my friends, my siblings, my mom, my church leaders...ect, and every song that reminded me of you and us made me cry.
This seems so unreal, but it's happening and I never want it to end.
But, like I always tell myself when I'm really missing someone - distance makes the heart grow fonder.
Hey you.
Being away from you these past few days felt like forever.
I've missed holding you close, I've missed your kisses, and the way you hold my hand.
I've missed the way you say I love you and the way you make me feel like the luckiest girl to have someone so amazing as you.
There's no definition of a perfect guy.
But you come close.
You'll make mistakes, you'll make me mad, you'll make me not want to talk to you
But that's what a relationship is about- its ups and downs and the trust these ups and downs builds.
I love you so much it scares me sometimes.
I want to cry when I think about how much I love you.
Every love song brings you to mind.
You keep me up at night, like right now at 10:11pm, because I can't stop thinking about how much I love you.
This is the most amazing, beautiful, and purest feeling.
Loving someone and knowing they love you back.
I love you Cainan.
You're the answer to every hope I've had since forever ago.
I've missed holding you close, I've missed your kisses, and the way you hold my hand.
I've missed the way you say I love you and the way you make me feel like the luckiest girl to have someone so amazing as you.
There's no definition of a perfect guy.
But you come close.
You'll make mistakes, you'll make me mad, you'll make me not want to talk to you
But that's what a relationship is about- its ups and downs and the trust these ups and downs builds.
I love you so much it scares me sometimes.
I want to cry when I think about how much I love you.
Every love song brings you to mind.
You keep me up at night, like right now at 10:11pm, because I can't stop thinking about how much I love you.
This is the most amazing, beautiful, and purest feeling.
Loving someone and knowing they love you back.
I love you Cainan.
You're the answer to every hope I've had since forever ago.
it's hard.
It's hard to forgive someone.
I've been doing it all my life to people that went on and did the same thing to me again even after I forgave them and I don't want to keep on doing that and getting hurt time after time because of people that aren't honest with me.
I want to believe them, I want everything to be okay again, but I can't, I just can't no matter how hard I try to tell myself that they mean it and that they won't do it again.
My ability to believe others has been tarnished by my previous experiences.
If it happened once, who says it isn't going to happen again?
How do I know that everything that has been said hasn't been a lie too?
I never knew that honesty would be such a big deal to me lately.
I do it too; lie. So then why am I making this such a big deal?
Because I promised myself that I would be honest from now on and now, someone was dishonest with me after I've been trying so hard to be better.
Because it was done by someone that I really care about and someone that I thought was perfect, but I guess not.
Why is this so hard?
No one is perfect and I have to understand that.
But he was my definition of perfect and he ruined my perspective because of that one little thing.
I want to believe you, but I can't.
I need a break to think.
Good thing Thanksgiving break is on Tuesday.
Can I just go home now?
I need my mom.
She knows everything.
She'll know what to do.
25 days need to pass by fast.
I've had it with being independent and being on my own.
I'm still not ready for being on my own. I kinda am, but I don't feel it.
I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
I've been doing it all my life to people that went on and did the same thing to me again even after I forgave them and I don't want to keep on doing that and getting hurt time after time because of people that aren't honest with me.
I want to believe them, I want everything to be okay again, but I can't, I just can't no matter how hard I try to tell myself that they mean it and that they won't do it again.
My ability to believe others has been tarnished by my previous experiences.
If it happened once, who says it isn't going to happen again?
How do I know that everything that has been said hasn't been a lie too?
I never knew that honesty would be such a big deal to me lately.
I do it too; lie. So then why am I making this such a big deal?
Because I promised myself that I would be honest from now on and now, someone was dishonest with me after I've been trying so hard to be better.
Because it was done by someone that I really care about and someone that I thought was perfect, but I guess not.
Why is this so hard?
No one is perfect and I have to understand that.
But he was my definition of perfect and he ruined my perspective because of that one little thing.
I want to believe you, but I can't.
I need a break to think.
Good thing Thanksgiving break is on Tuesday.
Can I just go home now?
I need my mom.
She knows everything.
She'll know what to do.
25 days need to pass by fast.
I've had it with being independent and being on my own.
I'm still not ready for being on my own. I kinda am, but I don't feel it.
I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
Broccoli Soup
Annka made broccoli soup last night and we had left overs, sooooo I had some for lunch. It was super mucho yummy. hahaha
I'm glad to say that after a good cry about who knows what, I'm better now. I don't feel so depressed anymore. I shouldn't beat myself over things that I did that I may at times regret, but I made those decisions and there's a reason for having made them. I gotta move on and stop being selfish. It's not always about me. I gotta work on me before I can focus on someone else.
* * *
I got a 98 on my Other paper today. I love that. I thought my paper was crappy at first because I couldn't figure out how to write it, in what format, but eventually I did and then there's the end result-- an A+.
I wrote about my dad and his addiction to alcohol and how he uses it to escape the reality that he lives. It really made me feel sympathy for him.
I wish he would change.
I really love music. I love it.
I lip-sync to it at the gym, on my way to class, while I do my homework. I think about it in the shower, while I eat-- it's love. I love that it puts me in a good mood, that listening to a favorite song brings up my spirit.
So I began making plans for winter. Most of my finals for this semester are before the 16th of December, which is good. Now I gotta figure out when I can book my flight, meaning for when. Hopefully I can hitch a ride with Alida's family. ALSO, I have to look into storage. How in the world am I going to do that? Seriously, this would be so much easier if I had a car. I', ready to get this semester over with. College you've been fun, but I need my New York.
My legs are sore, especially the back of my knees. Ow. Walking around campus, it's like walking up a hill. This college is on a slope, seriously. My calves are a witness.
I need to get out of my dorm. Seriously.
This mellow vibe that wanders the air is getting to me.
hellogoodbye
I like listening to music while I do my homework I have my pandora station set to boys like girls radio. All these songs are bringing back so many memories; especially the time that I was 13. At 13 I was obsessed with poppy punky music which is what I'm listening to now. At 13 I was excited to start high school, I was excited to have a boyfriend, I was excited about being a teenager. I thought being a teenager would be so much fun, but it is not fun at all. I don't know who I am. At this point I should have an idea, which I do, but then what?
ugh.
I should probably stop procrastinating and do my homework so I actually wake up tomorrow and go to my 7:45 class which I skipped Monday because I was too tired to wake up.
I should stop listening to depressing music. I really should. It has made this week horrible. All I want to do is find a corner and sit there. Just sit there and cry until I know what to do. I wish this feeling would go away. It seems that doubt loves planting itself in my mind at all the wrong moments. It doesn't let me get over things without doubting if I made the right choice.
Agency really is a gift. The power to choose for yourself. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier to deal with if we didn't have to make so many choices on our own, at least the important decisions that could make or break you.
I wish my patriarchal blessing revealed to me what I should do, what steps and decisions I should take to achieve the life I am promised. I'm not good at making decisions, Heavenly Father knows that. Make it a little easier? "Cherish all the moments...those that bring happiness and those that bring sorrow."
At least that's what I remember from my blessing. Not word for word, but the concept is still there.
That's what I need to do.
To cherish everything, even my decisions and the outcomes they produce on not only my life, but my emotional state as well.
I love how I come to realizations about myself by blogging and getting my thoughts and feelings out there. It helps with lifting up my mood. It feels like I just released some unknown force that was causing me to feel this way. With my music (even though it can get depressing) and my keyboard, I'm good.
I'm okay.
for now.
ugh.
I should probably stop procrastinating and do my homework so I actually wake up tomorrow and go to my 7:45 class which I skipped Monday because I was too tired to wake up.
I should stop listening to depressing music. I really should. It has made this week horrible. All I want to do is find a corner and sit there. Just sit there and cry until I know what to do. I wish this feeling would go away. It seems that doubt loves planting itself in my mind at all the wrong moments. It doesn't let me get over things without doubting if I made the right choice.
Agency really is a gift. The power to choose for yourself. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier to deal with if we didn't have to make so many choices on our own, at least the important decisions that could make or break you.
I wish my patriarchal blessing revealed to me what I should do, what steps and decisions I should take to achieve the life I am promised. I'm not good at making decisions, Heavenly Father knows that. Make it a little easier? "Cherish all the moments...those that bring happiness and those that bring sorrow."
At least that's what I remember from my blessing. Not word for word, but the concept is still there.
That's what I need to do.
To cherish everything, even my decisions and the outcomes they produce on not only my life, but my emotional state as well.
I love how I come to realizations about myself by blogging and getting my thoughts and feelings out there. It helps with lifting up my mood. It feels like I just released some unknown force that was causing me to feel this way. With my music (even though it can get depressing) and my keyboard, I'm good.
I'm okay.
for now.
No motivation
I have no motivation to do anything besides just sit here and listen to my depressing spanish music.
But I have to go to the gym later or else my goal to run this month of November will go down the drain.
I need that release of stress. I really do. What's stressing me out? Money, going home and how I'm getting there, packing all my things at the end of the semester, potentially having someone mad at me, going through airport security, getting my grades up to a high 3ish GPA for scholarship consideration, the list goes on.
I really need this semester to be over.
Like now.
I want it to be December already so I could start counting the days down to my sister's baptism. After years of fighting, she is finally getting what she has dreamed about. For a while it seemed that she would never get her baptism because my dad wouldn't let her get baptized and to get baptized, she needed parental approval from BOTH parents. So happy.
I just want to be back home. In my bed. Away from independence. I've had enough.
I need my family.
But I have to go to the gym later or else my goal to run this month of November will go down the drain.
I need that release of stress. I really do. What's stressing me out? Money, going home and how I'm getting there, packing all my things at the end of the semester, potentially having someone mad at me, going through airport security, getting my grades up to a high 3ish GPA for scholarship consideration, the list goes on.
I really need this semester to be over.
Like now.
I want it to be December already so I could start counting the days down to my sister's baptism. After years of fighting, she is finally getting what she has dreamed about. For a while it seemed that she would never get her baptism because my dad wouldn't let her get baptized and to get baptized, she needed parental approval from BOTH parents. So happy.
I just want to be back home. In my bed. Away from independence. I've had enough.
I need my family.
Shut Up
I've been trying to get past this problem I'm having, I've had it for too long. There would be times where I would be sorry and promise not only myself, but also God that I wouldn't do it again, but little by little the temptation comes again and I'm back to where I started. I feel so worthless sometimes, trying to promise the Lord that I will be better next time, but the littlest thing happens and BOOM, promise broken. I told myself that coming here to BYU-I would change everything. It did, but then it slowly started creeping back into my life. I wish it'd go away.
Then there's Satan always putting thoughts into my head. "How could you?" "You messed up again!" "You've asked him for forgiveness too many times, there's no hope for you." That is what I always hear. That is what I have been struggling with most of my adolescence. I remember something my YW leader once told my class one Sunday. In the repentance process, the hardest part is forgiving yourself and not letting Satan make you believe that you are not worth forgiving. That is my problem; forgiving myself. Thing is that I have been over the repentance process over and over and over again for this and I'm afraid that somehow I used up my "forgiveness cards" with God. Now that I think back, in my patriarchal blessing it does say that I will review the Atonement many times and that I should closely study it. Coincidence? No. I have been dealing with the Atonement for quite sometime and trying to figure it out further than what I already know about it. I want to be able to solve this on my own because I can't bear the thought of disappointment. If I overcome this on my own, I will be able to overcome anything Satan throws at me, including words of discouragement and feelings of worthlessness.
So Satan, shut up.
This was the last straw.
I am going to fight against you and your temptations.
Leave me alone and for once let me be happy and carefree.
Stop influencing me to disappoint.
One thing that I remember is that Satan can't make us do any anything. We have agency. I know that, but he gets in the way of my healing process by putting all these thoughts in my head. I know that my Father loves me. He has an infinite love for all of us and he is willing to lend out His hand to us when we fall.
So basically, this is a fight against first, myself and not letting these thoughts get to me as well as overcoming temptation.
And second, a fight against Satan to not let his words of discouragement keep me for completing the last step of the repentance process, forgiving myself.
Once I overcome this, I know what I have been looking for will appear before me and I will the happy teenager I once was. Happy? Maybe not, there are so many things in my life that present themselves to bring my unhappiness, but I could try.
Then there's Satan always putting thoughts into my head. "How could you?" "You messed up again!" "You've asked him for forgiveness too many times, there's no hope for you." That is what I always hear. That is what I have been struggling with most of my adolescence. I remember something my YW leader once told my class one Sunday. In the repentance process, the hardest part is forgiving yourself and not letting Satan make you believe that you are not worth forgiving. That is my problem; forgiving myself. Thing is that I have been over the repentance process over and over and over again for this and I'm afraid that somehow I used up my "forgiveness cards" with God. Now that I think back, in my patriarchal blessing it does say that I will review the Atonement many times and that I should closely study it. Coincidence? No. I have been dealing with the Atonement for quite sometime and trying to figure it out further than what I already know about it. I want to be able to solve this on my own because I can't bear the thought of disappointment. If I overcome this on my own, I will be able to overcome anything Satan throws at me, including words of discouragement and feelings of worthlessness.
So Satan, shut up.
This was the last straw.
I am going to fight against you and your temptations.
Leave me alone and for once let me be happy and carefree.
Stop influencing me to disappoint.
One thing that I remember is that Satan can't make us do any anything. We have agency. I know that, but he gets in the way of my healing process by putting all these thoughts in my head. I know that my Father loves me. He has an infinite love for all of us and he is willing to lend out His hand to us when we fall.
So basically, this is a fight against first, myself and not letting these thoughts get to me as well as overcoming temptation.
And second, a fight against Satan to not let his words of discouragement keep me for completing the last step of the repentance process, forgiving myself.
Once I overcome this, I know what I have been looking for will appear before me and I will the happy teenager I once was. Happy? Maybe not, there are so many things in my life that present themselves to bring my unhappiness, but I could try.
Luis Fonsi
I am seriously in love with spanish music.
It has got to be the most romantic music out there.
Every song I listen to relates to my life, whatever may be going on in it.
Every song goes with an emotion I have at the moment.
Like right now.
I'm homesick.
I just want to go home.
College is fun and all and I'm really grateful for everyone in my life, but I just need a hug from my mom.
I need to see my kids.
My 4 legged kids.
And my brah, Adrian.
And sister.
And mommy.
And even my dad.
I seriously am in love with him.
Luis Fonsi is mah man.
hahahahahaha, yesterday I was joking to one of my friends that I needed to marry someone with an amazing voice like Luis Fonsi.
Basically a hispanic guy?
haha, kinda funny considering I really am not up for the idea of marrying or even dating in my race, but we'll see.
But I feel horrible. I feel like such a heartbreaker.
That's all I've done since I turned 16.
But I know we will find that happiness that all of us search for.
That one person that causes that burst in our hearts, that causes us to forget to breathe, that brings butterflies every time the thought of them pops up in your mind.
It's just a matter of "testing" out with different people and seeing if they cause these feelings on you.
Eventually everything will fall into place and we must be patient, the Lord knows when you are to find your significant other.
We just need to cam down, there is so much life ahead of us for love.
Just cherish what we have.
The time will come.
It has got to be the most romantic music out there.
Every song I listen to relates to my life, whatever may be going on in it.
Every song goes with an emotion I have at the moment.
Like right now.
I'm homesick.
I just want to go home.
College is fun and all and I'm really grateful for everyone in my life, but I just need a hug from my mom.
I need to see my kids.
My 4 legged kids.
And my brah, Adrian.
And sister.
And mommy.
And even my dad.
I seriously am in love with him.
Luis Fonsi is mah man.
hahahahahaha, yesterday I was joking to one of my friends that I needed to marry someone with an amazing voice like Luis Fonsi.
Basically a hispanic guy?
haha, kinda funny considering I really am not up for the idea of marrying or even dating in my race, but we'll see.
But I feel horrible. I feel like such a heartbreaker.
That's all I've done since I turned 16.
But I know we will find that happiness that all of us search for.
That one person that causes that burst in our hearts, that causes us to forget to breathe, that brings butterflies every time the thought of them pops up in your mind.
It's just a matter of "testing" out with different people and seeing if they cause these feelings on you.
Eventually everything will fall into place and we must be patient, the Lord knows when you are to find your significant other.
We just need to cam down, there is so much life ahead of us for love.
Just cherish what we have.
The time will come.
It's ok
This week has been crazy. Full of the usual workloads of homework, drama, and lots and lots of thinking.
To put it out there, after loads and loads of beating myself about it, and stressing, and most importantly praying-- I broke it off with Cainan.
NOW, don't think I'm super depressed about it or anything. In the end, we decided to stay friends and we're cool about it it and I'm happy about that. I need more guy friends in my life.
It's kinda funny/weird that my best friends (who are guys) are my exes.
But whatever, friends are friends right?
And friends are cool.
I'm a freshmen, I want to enjoy dating around and living the single life.
I need to "find" myself and figure out what I want in a guy.
I'm an emotional wreck, I need to figure out what to do with myself so I stop acting on impulse and then realizing that it was the wrong thing to do, to move so fast.
I have hope and faith that I will figure this out. That I will know what I want to do with my life and who I want to be in it with me.
My patriarchal blessing promises me what I want.
A family. And that's what I'm trying to figure out. How am I going to achieve this goal and what steps to I need to take?
To put it out there, after loads and loads of beating myself about it, and stressing, and most importantly praying-- I broke it off with Cainan.
NOW, don't think I'm super depressed about it or anything. In the end, we decided to stay friends and we're cool about it it and I'm happy about that. I need more guy friends in my life.
It's kinda funny/weird that my best friends (who are guys) are my exes.
But whatever, friends are friends right?
And friends are cool.
I'm a freshmen, I want to enjoy dating around and living the single life.
I need to "find" myself and figure out what I want in a guy.
I'm an emotional wreck, I need to figure out what to do with myself so I stop acting on impulse and then realizing that it was the wrong thing to do, to move so fast.
I have hope and faith that I will figure this out. That I will know what I want to do with my life and who I want to be in it with me.
My patriarchal blessing promises me what I want.
A family. And that's what I'm trying to figure out. How am I going to achieve this goal and what steps to I need to take?
The Notebook
"Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?"
I don't know.
I really don't, but I hope I do...soon.
or eventually.
Who would have thought that watching this movie would make me reflect so much?
But it's true.
I have to do what I want.
It's my life and my happiness is in my hands.
What do I want?
Sometimes trusting in God is hard. His answer to your prayers might not be the one you are ready to do because it could potentially end up hurting those you love, but you gotta do what the Lord says. He knows you better than you know yourself, He knows what’s good for you even though you might think that He could be wrong, but He’s not. He’s always right.
HA.
So I wore a gray shiny dress all day today, I feel so fancy.
ha.
ha.
ha.
I'm in the best mood right now, like seriously. I finished a paper which in my opinion is pretty darn good despite the fact that I spent only today working on it, I'm listening to some amazing 80s music, I finished most of my homework (I still have a stupid draft to do for english, ew), and I just feel sooooo lucky and blessed to have such an amazing boyfriend. We went to the movies last night, took a walk in the school gardens, and then just talked. It was nice reminiscing on old tv shows we grew up with and finding many other things we have in common. Talking to him makes time just stop. I don't know if that makes sense, ehhh. Like, everything around me is gone and its just us. (:
We both talked about this last night, about how we never expected us to be together.
I mean, we "met" through facebook via that freshmen group. And now, it's like, WHOA, I can't believe a simple action like adding you as a friend on facebook would change my life and make it so amazing right now.
hahahaha, meeting through facebook.
That's quite a story.
And what makes it more cool is that I actually got what I wanted.
Since the beginning when I starting to "talk" to him, I was like, "he's mine"
and now he is.
That's a first.
I usually never get what I want.
It's so much fun confusing him and making up stories me actually believes.
He's so cute when he looks confused.
And I love looking at him.
it's so mesmerizing.
I get lost and just forget everything and it's just him.
And he says yeah a lot.
And nah.
I love it.
I need to get to bed.
But I don't want to.
All this 80's music is too good.
Like seriously, too good.
Ahhhhhhh!
I might be obsessed with the 80's again.
Not that I mind(:
ha.
ha.
ha.
I'm in the best mood right now, like seriously. I finished a paper which in my opinion is pretty darn good despite the fact that I spent only today working on it, I'm listening to some amazing 80s music, I finished most of my homework (I still have a stupid draft to do for english, ew), and I just feel sooooo lucky and blessed to have such an amazing boyfriend. We went to the movies last night, took a walk in the school gardens, and then just talked. It was nice reminiscing on old tv shows we grew up with and finding many other things we have in common. Talking to him makes time just stop. I don't know if that makes sense, ehhh. Like, everything around me is gone and its just us. (:
We both talked about this last night, about how we never expected us to be together.
I mean, we "met" through facebook via that freshmen group. And now, it's like, WHOA, I can't believe a simple action like adding you as a friend on facebook would change my life and make it so amazing right now.
hahahaha, meeting through facebook.
That's quite a story.
And what makes it more cool is that I actually got what I wanted.
Since the beginning when I starting to "talk" to him, I was like, "he's mine"
and now he is.
That's a first.
I usually never get what I want.
It's so much fun confusing him and making up stories me actually believes.
He's so cute when he looks confused.
And I love looking at him.
it's so mesmerizing.
I get lost and just forget everything and it's just him.
And he says yeah a lot.
And nah.
I love it.
I need to get to bed.
But I don't want to.
All this 80's music is too good.
Like seriously, too good.
Ahhhhhhh!
I might be obsessed with the 80's again.
Not that I mind(:
WHOA
The best part of working out?
Doing it in my sports bra in the comfort of my dorm room!
Who needs the gym when I have Insanity!?
PLUS, I'm in such a great mood!
WHOA INDEED.
Doing it in my sports bra in the comfort of my dorm room!
Who needs the gym when I have Insanity!?
PLUS, I'm in such a great mood!
WHOA INDEED.
Oreos, promptings, lots of thinking, homesickness
First off, I need to stop eating unhealthy. Oreos and a banana colada for lunch is not good.
Doing all this Insanity is useless if I keep on eating like a guy.
Last night I had an XXL chulupa from Taco Bell.
Uhhhh, super healthy right?
On a brighter note, I had a pretty cool experience this morning.
I went to bed pretty late last night. Not a good idea considering me having class early in the morning. I was so tempted to skip my child development class and sleep in. I had all these thoughts in my head telling me that I could still catch up even with the class since the teacher puts the lesson on I learn. I agreed with myself to skip and cozied up in my covers and my teddy bear. "Screw this, I need to sleep". AS soon as I said these words, the song "Choose The Right" came to mind. I immediately got up, like it was an automatic response to the song. Then I went to my 7:45 class, not tired at all and actually feeling pretty good compared to last night; where I felt like dying (sort of).
I spent like practically all of English class today thinking about things and how they're going.
It made me wish to be little again and carefree about life and not worrying about things.
But this is college, I seriously gotta grow up.
And it starts with letting it happen. In time, my feelings will change and I won't have to constantly worry about whether or not I'm making the right choices.
Sometimes I ask myself why Heavenly Father takes forever to answer prayers. Maybe he wants me to figure this out on my own THEN he'll tell me? I really gotta learn to trust in myself and the decisions I make. All this doubting, like my mom said, is probably Satan's way of trying to pull me away from something that will be life changing.
I really want that answer to my prayer. I will know it was answered when my heart bursts of emotion. Then it'll be ok, I'll be ok.
All that thinking led to me missing home.
Where my mom was there to talk to. I mean the phone is alright and all, but I really do miss a good cry in my mom's arms. I miss talking to her about everything on my mind. I miss her jokes, I miss her hugs, I miss her constantly telling me how much of a messy person I am.
I miss my sister.
I miss my brother.
I miss my children.
I really feel like a depressed person today.
I need a good cry.
I really do.
Right after my workout.
Doing all this Insanity is useless if I keep on eating like a guy.
Last night I had an XXL chulupa from Taco Bell.
Uhhhh, super healthy right?
On a brighter note, I had a pretty cool experience this morning.
I went to bed pretty late last night. Not a good idea considering me having class early in the morning. I was so tempted to skip my child development class and sleep in. I had all these thoughts in my head telling me that I could still catch up even with the class since the teacher puts the lesson on I learn. I agreed with myself to skip and cozied up in my covers and my teddy bear. "Screw this, I need to sleep". AS soon as I said these words, the song "Choose The Right" came to mind. I immediately got up, like it was an automatic response to the song. Then I went to my 7:45 class, not tired at all and actually feeling pretty good compared to last night; where I felt like dying (sort of).
I spent like practically all of English class today thinking about things and how they're going.
It made me wish to be little again and carefree about life and not worrying about things.
But this is college, I seriously gotta grow up.
And it starts with letting it happen. In time, my feelings will change and I won't have to constantly worry about whether or not I'm making the right choices.
Sometimes I ask myself why Heavenly Father takes forever to answer prayers. Maybe he wants me to figure this out on my own THEN he'll tell me? I really gotta learn to trust in myself and the decisions I make. All this doubting, like my mom said, is probably Satan's way of trying to pull me away from something that will be life changing.
I really want that answer to my prayer. I will know it was answered when my heart bursts of emotion. Then it'll be ok, I'll be ok.
All that thinking led to me missing home.
Where my mom was there to talk to. I mean the phone is alright and all, but I really do miss a good cry in my mom's arms. I miss talking to her about everything on my mind. I miss her jokes, I miss her hugs, I miss her constantly telling me how much of a messy person I am.
I miss my sister.
I miss my brother.
I miss my children.
I really feel like a depressed person today.
I need a good cry.
I really do.
Right after my workout.
Insanity
So I decided yesterday that I wanted to start Insanity again. No, not the literal term insanity, but the workout.
That pretty much sums it all up. I've done Insanity like 2 times before and got SO close to actually finishing it the 2nd time, but I guess I just got too busy and forgot about it. BUT NOT THIS TIME. I am committed like 100%.
Today, I did day two. 2 workouts down, 58 to go.
This is pretty much my life for the next 58 days left of this program.
ANYWAY, for some reason, I was pretty bummed out today. Then my mommy called me as if she knew something was up. She is seriously the best and I can't wait till I see her again.
Seriously, I'm so bipolar about this whole "end of the semester, not seeing my fall/winter friends and boyfriend" situation.
And yes, I do have a boyfriend. Who I know
will be reading this eventually because he's cool like that; reading my blog.
UGH. I'm all sweaty and gross and I need to shower. But my roommate's in the shower. For like the past half an hour. Seriously, who showers that long? I don't even shower that long. 15 minutes max, but half and hour? And I'm leaving in like half an hour on a "date" with my roommate Liz to go see Rise of the Planet of the Apes which I'm pretty pumped about. And we also need to get toilet paper, we're like out of it.
"INSANITY Workout is a 60-day cardio-based total-body conditioning program that’s perhaps the most intense workout ever put on DVD. Fitness expert Shaun T drew on his collegiate track and field training plus his subsequent years of experience as an elite trainer to create a program that takes total-body conditioning to an extreme level."
That pretty much sums it all up. I've done Insanity like 2 times before and got SO close to actually finishing it the 2nd time, but I guess I just got too busy and forgot about it. BUT NOT THIS TIME. I am committed like 100%.
Today, I did day two. 2 workouts down, 58 to go.
This is pretty much my life for the next 58 days left of this program.
I actually deleted the fit test workout because...well...I just did. It wasn't really a workout, it was annoying keeping track of how many jump squats, power jumps, blah blah blah, I can do. So let's just say I'm on day 3 since I've done plyo and cardio resistance.
ANYWAY, for some reason, I was pretty bummed out today. Then my mommy called me as if she knew something was up. She is seriously the best and I can't wait till I see her again.
Seriously, I'm so bipolar about this whole "end of the semester, not seeing my fall/winter friends and boyfriend" situation.
And yes, I do have a boyfriend. Who I know
will be reading this eventually because he's cool like that; reading my blog.
UGH. I'm all sweaty and gross and I need to shower. But my roommate's in the shower. For like the past half an hour. Seriously, who showers that long? I don't even shower that long. 15 minutes max, but half and hour? And I'm leaving in like half an hour on a "date" with my roommate Liz to go see Rise of the Planet of the Apes which I'm pretty pumped about. And we also need to get toilet paper, we're like out of it.
Bulletproof Hearts
These past few days have involved a lot of pondering. I've been trying to figure out if the decision I was making about letting my heart open up again was the right one. In my past relationships, I've been hurt and stepped on all over the place and what I still blame myself for is letting them and not doing anything about it. I've was never myself when I was with them and I let them change me. With this guy, who by the way is totally amazing, I can actually be myself and I don't have to change myself to be with him. I caught him looking at me yesterday as we watched a movie and just that small moment made me realize that I should give this a chance. There was just something about the way he looked at me that in a way enlightened me and gave me that confirmation.
I believe that the Lord places certain people in our paths to help us through hard times, to keep us from swimming in our own sorrow. That's how I feel right now. Ever since I've met this guy, I haven't been depressing myself over the situation back at home. Every day I wake up with the thought, "Will I see him today?", and that instantly puts me in a brighter mood and I don't have to wake up thinking if my dad was drunk last night and caused a scene. With him in my life now, I hope that I can finally have that piece of happiness I've been missing; that feeling of caring for someone and having them care for you back.
My dad is pissed at me for not calling him. I texted him last week telling him that I loved him and that he should feel free to call me anytime. He responded that he missed me too, too much and that he needs me. He wrote that I should never forget that he loves me and that he will always be my dad. Sometimes, I just want to cry. Why is my dad the way he is? Why does he cause me so much pain? One day he can be sweet and pretty chill, but other times he is crazy, dangerous, and scary. I remember that one time that he threw something at me. I was making breakfast with Adrian and he just woke up drunk. He decided to "watch" us. He brought a chair and sat himself in front of the kitchen. We started to joke around, Adrian and I, and he thought we were making fun of him. We had our french toast and hot cocoa all set and all of a sudden, he picked one of my hand weights and threw it. It hit my plate and my cup. The hot, piercing , hot cocoa hit my legs. The pain wasn't that bad, but I cried. Not only because he threw it at me, but because I had enough. I had enough of living a life in fear. I had enough of enduring his words, his cruelty, his humiliation. I had enough of him telling me that I was not going anywhere in life, that he didn't expect anything good from me. Well, I proved him wrong. I'm in college and I plan to do something he denied- graduating and becoming someone in life. Despite his way of being, I still love my dad. It's not my job to judge his actions, that's the Lord's job. .
“Cherish all the experiences in life-those that bring sadness and sorrow and discouragement as well as those that bring joy and happiness. It will be through your personal relationship with the Savior that you will be supported and sustained during your times of greatest need.” (from patriarchal blessing)
This was my answer, the answer to why I had gone through the humiliation, the hurt, and the disappointment. Getting my patriarchal blessing changed my life. It shaped me into who I am today. Even though I got it at only sixteen and not a lot of time has passed from the time I got it to now at eighteen, I feel completely different. I am cautious when I am faced with making a choice because I want the promises that are promised to me in my blessing. I am not perfect; I have made mistakes, I have messed up, and I have gotten on the path again. Getting my blessing has allowed me to see a whole new side to the significance of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Knowing that if I'm obedient to his commandments makes me want to not disappoint him and endure all the trials he puts in front of my path. Because of the words said in my blessing, I now understand the reasons why, I have had my question answered to why I have suffered so much. All these trials that He has put in my path have not only made me stronger, but they have also humbled me. I have realized that with every trial comes a blessing, usually a blessing I failed to recognize at the time. These blessings are either small ones like getting a good grade on a test for example or something big, like having the opportunity to attend BYU-Idaho or I don't know, maybe meeting a totally amazing guy who you know will make a difference in your life. Thanks to my blessing, I now am certain that Heavenly Father loves me. I used to always doubt that He did because he put all these trials in my life from an early age, but now I know He did it to chasten me, to test my patience, and to test my faith. “Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith. Nevertheless—whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day."
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