The one that got away

So, that time has finally come. Whatever could I be talking about right? No, nothing boy related (for now) so you can breathe easily.

Since my family finally got the much wanted green cards that we've been waiting ELEVEN years for, apparently my dad is leaving. Leaving for good and according to my mom, he already started packing his bags too. And to top it all off, my parents are getting a divorce? How dandy right? -.-
There's nothing that can hold my parent's marriage together anymore. There's no love whatsoever anymore. It's sad that this is the case because a marriage is supposed to last forever. There are those numerous
"what ifs" that roam the air. What if he was a member of the church? What if he accepted the church in his life? What if he wasn't leaving? But none of these what ifs are what I want them to be. It says in my blessing that one day his heart is going to be softened to the spirit and he'll accept the truth, but now that this is happening I see this being impossible. It's not like he's moving a couple towns or states away, but TO ANOTHER COUNTRY. Hmmm, maybe on day he'll remember us if he ever encounters the missionaries in his new life that he is planning to lead and he'll remember. Remember that we tried to help him. Not stuff religion down his throat, but to help him turn his life around.

What really hurts me is how someone else matters to him more than us, his family. The family HE CHOSE to create. A family is not something that you create, then when you get bored or when things get hard, you toss them aside and go looking for a new one. What did I do? Was I a bad daughter? Did I do something that upset him? Were we horrible children? Seriously, what cause him to not love us anymore? What happened to that man that was overjoyed when he caught sight of us for the first time after being separated for so many years? What happened to that man that would crack jokes and be the reason for a smile? What happened to that man that made you proud because he was such a hard-worker? It's really something--how destructive drugs and alcohol really are. Not only to the family but to the individual. It totally turns his life around, but in a negative way. A very negative way.

His reasoning in this situation is that us joining the church destroyed the family. That would be reason enough for me to turn against the church, because in a way it did separate us. It separated us by our beliefs on different things. Like observing the sabbath, Or attending church regularly. Those are important to us. And he didn't accept that change in us. He wanted us to be like him. Lazy sundays, attending alcohol involved parties, not caring and living "merrily" as if it was our last day. "Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die.." That's his lifestyle, not ours.

The thing is that for many years we lived OK. He went his way, we went ours, but we still were somewhat of a family, even if we were all distant. But then SHE happened. And that's what intensified his rage towards us and the church, and his ultimate realization that we didn't matter to him anymore. Does he even care about us, even for at least a little bit?

There are moments when I want to cry and just let it all out, but somehow the tears won't come. Because even though he's my dad-- he isn't really worth the tears I shed. He's my dad, he gave me life, and that's never going to change and I accept that. There's that saying, "anyone can become a dad, but it takes a real man to be one". Biologically he's my dad and I'm grateful for all the contributions he made in my life, but emotionally he was absent. As a father he was not nurturing. As a father he did not live up to his spiritual potential or practice his roles as a father and for that one day he will be held accountable before the Lord for all the things he did and didn't do to provide for us, his REAL family, not some random Colombian fat chick who ruined the little bit of family that I had left--that had a potential of being fixed again--hanging by a thread. She came along and snipped away the string of hope.