2012 in a nutshell

Quick, before the motivation leaves me!
Here is a recap of how 2012 ended up being one of the worst years ever. And go!


The year started off just fine. I found a job and was getting paid pretty good too, accumulating a small pile for myself once I went back to school for spring semester. Then, something happened that to this day I still hit myself over. Because I let a good guy go and set myself up for it too by being stupid and immature. Now that I've thought of it for quite sometime now, that relationship turned into one of those that you are left wondering what could have been and feeling like it ended leaving me with an "unfinished" and "incomplete" feeling. No idea if that makes sense, but oh well. For some reason, I don't feel the effects of a break up until many moments later. So much nostalgia and feelings of "how could I have been so stupid!?" start kicking in. That's life though, you make mistakes, you act stupid, and realize it when it's already too late.  And you're left with no choice but to move on and forget about it.
Spring semester started and it wasn't so bad as I thought it would be. I had totally new roommates and a new environment to get used to without the people that I had become accustomed to the previous semester. With stuff going on at home and things heating up, I was really a train wreck and the most emotionally unstable and vulnerable I have ever been. Eventually things got a bit better as the semester came to a close. I got to know my roommates that I disliked a bit more and ended up actually liking them, ended up believing all things sweet, and learned that I really can be on my own and be fine. Spring semester 2012 ended up teaching that I could be on my own, it marked the start of my independence.
I came home and things were the same, but different too. Slowly but surely my dad ended up leaving the end of the summer. One day he just got up and left, without even saying goodbye. I felt abandoned, unwanted  sad, hopeless....so many emotions took over me that summer. As summer came to a close, I looked forward to fall 2012 back in Idaho. I was looking forward to seeing my friends again and other things that I had planned for myself to do. What can I say, things didn't go as I believed they would and there was friend drama towards the middle of the semester. Towards the end we resolved it and then the semester ended. That semester I learned that I shouldn't believe everything that anyone says to me, no matter how sweet or nice or great it sounds. I learned that you shouldn't waste your tears on people that aren't worth it. I learned that friendships can slowly get weaker. And I learned that the only person you can truly rely on is the Lord and yourself.

And then I came home feeling relieved that I had finally let everything negative and disappointing about the year be left behind in Idaho and finally came to learn the fact that I needed to be better again and that I couldn't be an emotional mess forever. All you can do is move forward so why waste my energy over things that I can't change?

Now that the year is coming to a close soon, I feel an even bigger sense of relief. Like I can breathe again and let that ugly cloud of depression and anxiety leave me. I turned 20 too, can't forget that. I entered a new decade in my life and now I'm entering a new year with new experiences, new lessons to learn from, new blessings, new things! And honestly, I'm throwing the "relationship" flag away. Like a forfeit. Cause all I need at this point in my life is to focus in school the most I can and to try the hardest I can, make better relationships with new friends and strengthen my relationships with old friends. The whole relationship thing can wait until later, there's no rush. I want to travel back in time and slap myself for spending so much energy and time worrying about ending up alone.


Ain't no one got time for that.
Seriously.

Now to enjoy an all night marathon of How I Met Your Mother and enjoying my homemade healthy platano raspberry smoothie to bring in 2013.
I'm alone on New Years Eve and I'm OK with it, really.

Because even though this year has been horrible, all the moments of happiness and laughter with people that love me outweighs them all.

Happy New Year!

May your year be great and full of blessings!

Pictures, an ugly sweater, unemployment, and mission calls

I really do love those sock buns. Still trying to master the art of doing them and perfecting them like my sister does. In the meantime it's "STEPH, CAN YOU DO A SOCK BUN ON ME?"
There's this sweater that I'm wearing right now (not that sweater in the sock bun picture, although that sweater was puke looking, but whatever) and it is so unbelievably comfy, like wow. But it's really hideous looking.
It has been a while since I've written here. There have been times where I'm like "I want to write something today!...and it's gone" and other times where I've just wanted to be browsing through Pinterest all day. But no more, back to writing!

Fall 2012 came and went. Friend issues, other issues-- all sorts of issues came up, but it's over now and I can really say now that everything that happened fall that caused me to shed tears over and be angry/jealous about is over because with the start of me entering my twenties, it feels like turning over a new leaf and entering for real a totally new and fresh stage in my life. That sounds corny, but it's true. I feel that once I wake up on the 27th, it marks the start of a totally new me. I'm no longer going to be seen as some teenager, but truly as an adult. Now if I could only start to look 20 instead of a 16 year old like many tell me. I guess that the "young" concept will be great when I'm in my 30s, hahaha.

Before school ended I contacted the lady I worked for last winter, but according to her there are no positions available and so I am currently unemployed. I can't spend all winter not doing anything, I'll die! I did sign up for that pathway speaking partner program, but that's only twice a week and it's volunteer work. I guess in the meantime I really dedicate myself to my workout sessions. Feeling kinda crummy when it comes to giving it my all during my workouts since thanksgiving. Gotta step it up a little bit!

My brother got his mission call today! FINALLY!
Opening it tomorrow night. And on my birthday! Then off to the city with my best friend for my birthday.
With all that excitement of mission calls and mission related dreams... it got me to thinking about serving a mission myself. Before after that mission announcement I seriously was considering it, but I knew I only partially felt that way because it was the current "craze" of the moment with the new mission age announcement and all. But ever since I had this dream about being in the mission field, I'm thinking again. I'm not in a serious relationship, I don't have a lot going on in my life right now, nothing that could stop me from going, so why not? Still a lot to really think hard about.

I really like this song. Yes I do!
Spotify is a beautiful thing, bringing me all these songs I've forgotten.

The world

...is dumb. Everything is dumb. People are dumb.

This world is seriously going down the toilet and we're all to blame,

Time to seriously move on woman!

I seriously don't know what it is. Trying so unbelievably hard to get over this person that I don't even understand why I even had feelings for in the first place. I thought we were sort of the same from what he shared with me, but we're really two completely different people and I just can't anymore. I just can't keep hurting myself by thinking that there's something wrong with me and that's why he totally ignores me now. But then again, so do I. But that's because I got the impression that I should back off and that's what I did. It's just so ugh. There's just something about him. There's something so special and great about him and I've spent so much time trying to figure exactly what that is so that I could figure out the why of why he's so appealing to me.  And I guess I'll never know. And I won't try to because that's not me anymore. I've been there before and it's not pretty. That's not me anymore, I learned my lesson a long time ago.
But once this semester's over and I don't keep seeing him everywhere, that's when I'll be really be able to move on from that little episode that this semester brought.
It's funny because I feel like I'm going through a breakup which is really funny cause we never went out or anything. But there's just something so appealing about him! Ugh, I hate him for making me feel this way. It;s like he conquered my mind and is refusing to leave. And I know it's so elementary school being so shy and against telling him that I actually have feelings for him that are so foreign to me, but I can't. It would go against what I stand for, what I believe in. I seriously can't take a chance at being disappointed. There's that whole saying, "you don't know unless you try", but if things were different and we actually went through all that we were "planning" for this semester I would have told him by now. But that didn't go anywhere and there went my chance. Because I was going to tell him. But considering that we both try to pretend that we don't know each other now (which is what it really is and the impression that I get), that's not ever happening. And I guess that I'll just have to live with that "what if" in my mind for the rest of whenever. And I really hate that I'm trying so hard to push these feelings away and not being honest with not only myself, but with him. But why should I? He stopped everything. Little by little he just stopped talking to me and when he did it felt like it was out of pity.
It's not giving up, it's just moving on from something that's going absolutely nowhere.

K, I'm done venting.

Coming to terms

It seems that every semester brings a life lesson. This semester it was that-- that people come into your life and some just don't stick around even though you so desperately want them to. Everything works under the Lord's doing and I have come to accept that. Although people are coming and going in my life right now I just can't let that stop me from being happy with my life. I can't torment myself over thinking that I did something wrong and that it's all my fault that some things just don't work out with others.

School has just been a blur. Getting my assignments done and whatnot-- and I don't even see and realize that I go home soon. I've been so preoccupied with all the drama that this semester has brought that everyday just feels like a total blur-- it goes by so fast too. But that's what I like because at this point I just want to go home. I'm just so fed up with everyone here, especially those that have made me feel like the bad guy and like I don't deserve the truth. It's just so exhausting. No matter how hard I try not to think about it, it just all comes flooding back.
At this point I'm so focused on school and my classes and my overall love of running that slowly these factors are helping me not think about those that I want so much, but can't have. Because apparently, life is just not cooperating with me and what I want. The Lord though, He knows. So by these experiences that have occurred this semester so far, they're just ways of His will getting me closer to where He wants me to be. The Lord knows me better than I know myself so He knows what's good for me and what isn't. And that also applies to people. If He knows that I'm just not supposed to have them in my life, He will make it hard for them to be and me on the other hand will try to fight it, but He always wins. "No Jess, I know what's good for you and ____ is simply just not supposed to be in your life."And I've noticed that He's put me in situations to make me see why they're not supposed to be. And I've finally come to accept it and move on. No longer resisting with truth that I've known to be right all along in my heart.

There is still SO much that I want to share, but I guess that's just gotta have to wait.
I am seriously sore and in need of a good back rub. Hopefully sleeping makes it better. Hopefully.

Be careful with what you say

I've been meaning to post this up for a while, but for a while I just shrugged it off. But I need to so that one day I can look back at this and ponder my behavior. Was it really right? Did I do wrong in keeping my mouth shut?

The funny thing about meeting people that you get to know over social media and through texting or whatever is that you gain this perception of them in your mind. In a way-- a perfect idea of them. You've only been exposed to what they chose to show to you. The problem with this is that later on when you DO end up learning about them in a different light like in the way they associate with others-- that perfect perception that you've developed of them dies. You see the way they they act around others and you dn't see what you saw--what they chose to show you and then you get upset because basically, this person lied. Not lied as in your typical lie, but lie as in being dishonest in who they were. For instance, I saw this person from what little I knew as a kind hearted person who generally showed total concern for others. I only perceived this from the way that this person communicated with me.
That's the problem with me. Why can't I meet people the way normal people do and not like this? In a way that blocks me from seeing both sides of them, not giving them the power to chose what to show me.
And I may be right. But the way that I saw this person present themselves was what I have grown to dislike. This person's behavior overall was the exact same behavior as the one person in my life who has disappointed me the most.
So why waste my time, any of my time?
I already wasted a majority of it thinking and overthinking and making myself miserable.

But you know what?
The way that this person behaved from what I saw was the exact same behavior that led my mom to marry a man that let the way of the world influence the way that he acted. He had a sensitive side yes, but he let his friends and the world influence how he acted when deep inside he knew that what he was behaving like and talking like was wrong.

But whatever, I'm not here to judge. And I probably am giving of the impression of me being a judgmental person. But I'm not.
I feel it's a mask. A mask that most people put on to show the world so that the world accepts them.
In the situation I was in, I chose not to put on that mask. I knew that the way everyone was acting like was not me. Crudeness isn't my style at all so I did what I do best-- I kept my mouth shut. Was it right of me though?
Then the thought crept into my mind. I was probably sending off the message of me being anti social or shy or whatever. But you know what? I'm not either of those. Since I was little I've been social and outgoing. Little by little as I grew up and faced downsides of life-- my guard slowly went up and I've found that I'm only myself around people that bring out the best in me by their words, their actions. And what I witnessed that weekend was not that so I kept quiet. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm not going to engage in behavior that I know isn't pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. Being there and hearing what was being said made me feel so uncomfortable and so vulnerable--vulnerable in the way that I no longer felt the Spirit with me. I knew at that moment, when my heart sank, that I had to get out. Why did I waste so much time thinking that the situation would change when it didn't
I don't want to sound like I think I'm better than others, no. I've simply grown to realize on my own through my experiences that we don't realize that the way and manner that we speak can be offending, crude, and even unrighteous. The way that we speak with others and communicate to me is a window not only into getting to know their personality-- but for me it tells me, it makes me feel their spirituality. I don't even know if that makes sense. I've developed this tendency since I finally decided to rid myself of all the things that I knew were ultimately were going to destroy my spirit, where I am very sensitive to the Spirit. I get the biggest feelings when I know I'm in the wrong place, with the wrong people, with the wrong environment. The Spirit gets offended and doesn't want to stay with me and keep me safe. I don't really know how to describe it--that was my attempt. I've grown to feel the effect that certain people have on this sensitivity of my mine. And that weekend, I knew. This person was not who I thought they were solely based on the effect that this person's presence and speak had on my spirit. My spirit ran away from me because the environment that was created wasn't fit for it to dwell.

Even I do this sometimes. I engage in talk that I know is not right. But what I've grown to see is that we do this so that we don't appear to be weak to others. So that we fit in with the way that everyone else is behaving like. Lesson learned though, speak up and defend your right to be in an environment that fosters peace and the constant company of the Spirit. And that's what I'm working hard on. On cleaning my language up. My behavior.

I thought that coming here, the Lord's school, would protect me from this.
But even here, it's hard to find people that bring out the best in me.
What I've perceived and what I feel like is that most people here are two faced--spiritually.
They do what's right and follow what they know is true which is great, but act a different way around others in a manner that they know that they shouldn't.
Not everything is perfect though--and there will always be good and not so good everywhere you go.

But what do I know, these are just ramblings.
And I totally seem to be stuck up and self centered and prideful-- but I know I'm not so the opinion of others doesn't matter to me. Because I know who I am and who I'm not.

I'm grateful for this experience though because it has changed the way that I see myself. It has opened my eyes to the effect that language has on one.

Endorphin Highs

SO great, like seriously.
If I could, without overexertion, I'd run all day.

Every step is like I'm stepping over all the issues that unfortunately, life brings.
And with every mile run, the higher the high I feel; like I can do anything and have the greatest strength ever.
And with my totally amazing running playlist, even better.

That was the last time I cry over a guy, a friend, even my own frustrations with myself.
The LAST time.
Cause I'm not going to let depression control my life and most importantly, I'm not going to let others bring me to that state. And I accept the fact that not everyone is going to like be. Well, forget them. Cause I don't care about those that don't. Gotta be grateful for those that do and that despite all the mistakes I make and the foolish things I say sometimes and the way that I am overall--- they still love me.
And that is all I need to be happy.
Forget trying to force someone into my life or to waste my time just merely hoping that they come into my life and stay.

You're strong

"You're strong"

That's what I heard in my mind as I sat in class fighting against the bombardment of tears I could feel swelling within. My friend had walked in before class and with her, there's been issues between all three of us. Some misunderstanding or whatever it is-- thing is apparently she's mad at not only my other friend, but me as well. After I talked to her Sunday telling her how I felt, letting her know why I was the way I was that afternoon, she's angry at me? She walked into class, I said hey and asked her if she was upset with me. 

"Don't talk to me, leave me alone."

Those words stabbed me so deep within that I felt so vulnerable and weak and rejected right there. I fought so hard against the tears that had started to swell up. I was in class so I had to especially not cause a scene, but I couldn't. Little by little everything was fogging up and I could feel the tears falling from my eyes. The constant thought, "Everyone you care about doesn't want you" came to mind. I thought back to all the friends I've loved and lost, my family members who reject me just for believing what I know in my heart to be true,  my own dad who left me and everyone else behind, and now this-- someone who I love dearly, who I feel inspired by, who I feel so blessed to have met turns around and says these words to me. They may seem like nothing, this may seem like nothing. Just some stupid argument, but for me, it's so much more. It just shows me that people leave. People that you care about won't stick around forever or sometimes may not even want to. But right then and there as all this negativity was running through my head, that weak, faint, voice overpowered the negative. "You're strong." I repeated it enough times that I began to believe it; that I was strong enough to fight these tears and the need to  feel hopeless and depressed with what was happening in my life. How everything was spiraling out of control. How everyone I grew to care about decided that I wasn't worth keeping and tossed me aside when I didn't do anything to them for them to be that way towards me. But you know what?

Why put in the effort to keep people in your life if they're not willing to stay on their own?

Cause by now, I've seriously had it. I've had it with trying to make people stay. 

And I've especially had it with feeling like everything is my fault. 

Men are stupid. The end.

Forever alone and I honestly don't care in the slightest. Every single one is the same.
Every single one. Seriously gotta stop believing every single freaking word that they think up and say to you because it's all a stupid lie and they just say what you want to hear and make false promises and get your hopes up and whatever. Then they leave when they find something better.
I seriously hate that so much. My dad left my mom because of that and I'm not going to let that happen to me and end up falling for a guy that is all words and no action.

Now I'm just being dramatic, but I have the total right to. I'm seriously getting so fed up with the male species I think I'll go back to Ecuador and become a freaking nun at my family's church. Or I'll just shave my hair off and pretend to be a guy so I can be a a monk in Tibet.
That thread of hope or whatever that was there just snapped. I'm just sitting here on the treadmill for like the past hour after my run and I just snapped. My head snapped. I'm seriously beyond...I don't even know. I just know that the thread that was there, hanging on false hope just ripped to a million little pieces. Out of the blue. My mind finally decided to click two and two together and it may be that I'm finally at the end of all this and my poor mind can finally breathe again.

Excuse me while I drink my troubles away while listening to sentimental spanish music.
And by drink I mean chug a huge bottle of water until I feel like puking.

I'm married to the music

This song just melts my heart and makes me wanna cry with happiness because it's just so beautiful and I absolutely love it.

And this one too! Especially when the chorus comes on, like wow. 

I seriously love music-- so much. There's music for everything. For every mood, music to describe your situations, to describe you life. And music for me is the most powerful because it affects my mood. These songs above for example, like wow. I discovered them today and it's amazing what an amazing and powerful effect they play out on me. And singing to these songs is just so empowering because to me it feels that by singing these is like talking to the people that I so dearly want to be able to communicate these words with. 

I've grown to really love and appreciate spanish music; the oldies as well as the modern stuff. The spanish language overall is just so beautiful- especially when in music. 

  

My mom introduced this song to me one night. We sat on my bed and just listened to music from her time, music that apparently to her had sentimental ties to them. Like this one. I fell in love with it at that moment and set out to memorize the lyrics. So beautiful. 

 

I'm not a big of mariachi music because it gets annoying sometimes, but he's one of my favorites. 

Don't tell me this sing isn't the most truthful song ever? Romance these days has downgraded, like seriously. I'd die if I ever met a guy like this. These types of guys-- the ones that are all about the old fashioned conquering-winning over a girl's heart are my favorite. I definitely want to marry a guy like that-- all traditional and not fazed by the new concepts about love and relationships that the future has developed compared to old times. To me it seems that some guys these days are afraid to appear as the romantic sentimental types. Seriously, love that in a guy. Like, really. 

Seriously, sometimes I think that technology has ruined the beauty of love. Love letters, now there's an idea. 

Absolutely love this! 

I hope they call me on a mission, when I have grown a foot or two...

So much thinking done today and so much left to think about still.
I read through my blessing and it's there. Reading those words just overcame me with this warm chill all over that was mind blowing and would have brought me to my knees if I hadn't been sitting. Like wow.

Of course, I haven't completely made up my mind yet, but it's pretty close. I seriously don't want this desire to be a phase or whatever. I don't wanna go if everyone else is going, like, no peer pressure. Ya know?
When I weigh the pros and cons there are definitely more pros than cons. There's nothing stopping me from going anyway. No guy, no health issues, no obstacles. I'm completely free to choose. I might not be going now like it seems all these girls I know who rushed to see their bishops and whatnot. I can definitely see myself serving a full time mission and my heart tells me to just do it. What will I lose if I go? Nothing
Rather than the announcement inspiring me to rush to get my papers done, my dilemma has been answered. . I've always had the thought of going on a mission in the back of my mind. The consideration was there, weak, but there. Today also answered my prayers. I've asked for something to do with my life, for something that would make me forget all I've been through, for something that would improve me as a person and boom, this happened. Going on a mission, simple.
I honestly have so much to offer others, so much inspiration and a willingness to help and lift.
"Forget yourself and get to work." These words were spoken by Gordon B. Hinckley's father in a letter to him when he felt beaten and discouraged on his mission and wanted to quit. Those words stick to me and have been in my mind all day. What better way to grow closer to the Lord than serving His children and bringing them unto Him.
Going on a mission will also prepare me to be a mother and a wife someday. It will prepare me in a greater way than I would never really know. What better way to do something great for my future family than serving a mission. It's a blessing for them. Giving them a mother who loves them so much that even before they even exist she wants to make herself into the greatest example in their lives that they will ever have. I want to be able to offer my children the opportunity to learn from my life and going on a mission fulfills just that. Imagine, two parents who have served a full time mission. What a great and blessed home that will be.
I'm tired of thinking about myself. I'm tire of worrying abut myself. I feel selfish. I want to be able to say that I did something great with my life. I want to be able to change lives more than everything. It gives me the greatest feeling knowing that my example has changed a life. Maybe that's what my blessing means when it says I would have a great effect on the lives of God's children. Not necessarily young children only, but everyone else too-- young and old.

I'm seriously excited what effect me going on a mission will have on me.
I see all these RMs and how they are. They're always so happy, helpful, and have an overall general concern for the well-being of others and I want that too. I don't have to wait. I always thought that turning 21 or being close to that age would help me in making up my mind to go, but now that I could start the process anytime I wish, it just answers that question.
There's this scripture I read today in Alma that talks about how when we are looking for answer, we have to observe how this possible decision plays in our hearts. If the Lord wants you to go through with it, He wil cause you to keep the thought in your mind, He won't make you forget it. He'll cause this burning in your heart. But if He has other plans, He'll cause you to forget and no such feeling will be there.
I felt that today, that rush of warmth and and chill. Not your typical chill, but a warm one that shook me. Kinda in a way when Alma was struck down by the Lord. But of course, I haven't been preaching blasphemy to be struck down like he was, but a good strike.

A strike that shook me and is telling me to go, to forget myself and "get to work."
Like when one of the speakers today said, when we got baptized, we joined God's army. And what better way to serve the Master than to fight against evil and bring the world His truth.

I'm excited to hear what the prophet has in store for us tomorrow morning.
He's just full of surprises this weekend, isn't he?

General Conference 2012

This time last year I was in Utah with Liz and Cainan getting ready to see general conference together. That was a great time as I remember it. I got to know Cainan so much better and to at that time as we soent that weekend together I really got to slowly fall in love with him, but that was a year ago. This is now. Although it's nice reminiscing on those times, remembering how he was the greatest reason that I was so immensely happy with life at the time. Now a year later, it's sad thinking about how fast time passes you. How a time where you love everything about life quickly can turn into the greatest emotional roller-coaster of your life in one single moment. When I went with Liz and Allie to watch him open his mission call just a couple weeks ago, I couldn't help but feel immensely overjoyed and excited and just so happy and proud. He's finally going to be doing what he has wanted for so long, to serve the Lord and to become greater in terms with himself and the Lord. 

I just watched the first session of general conference and oh boy, my mind has been blown away. I've never felt so much during conference before, even when I was in Salt Lake even--nothing compared to what I felt this morning. I'm just so thankful for the living prophets and for their counsel. All those words of guidance and prophetic wise words-- I love it. The joy and happiness that the Gospel gives me is what helps me each day to have hope that life will grant me what I desire most in this world, it gives me the hope and determination to live each day without regret and to have faith that my trials and my sadness will one day be lifted from me. 

When the prophet went up, he announced two pieces of grand revelation. First he announced the building of two new temples which is great, but then he just lit the biggest spark in my heart when he announced that the age for women to be able to serve missions is lowered from 21 to age 19. I'm 19. When he said that, I couldn't help but cry. Cry about my inner questioning about whether I want to serve a mission or not. It's not an obligation for women to serve missions since we're advised to be more in preparation for creating our families  but I can't help but think about me serving a mission. I've told everyone whenever they asked me if I was ever going to serve a mission when I turned 21. I would shrug it off and say no. I was more focused on marriage and my eternal family, but now, after that, the thought of me going on a mission has taken over my mind up to the point that I'm strongly considering it. Going on a mission would help me forget myself, forget everything in my life and solely focus on bring others to Christ. At this point in life, I think that's exactly what I need in my life. I need that feeling of total concern for others and a desire to preach the word of the Lord to all those that will want to hear it. I believe that it will strengthen my testimony (of course) as well as help me heal myself emotionally. I will be able to stand firmer in my beliefs and I will be able to grow even closer to the Lord. 

Of course, it's all up to the Lord and whether or not a mission is what He has in store for me. 

Yeah, can I go home now? I've had enough of Rexburg, let's go back

I'm already fed up with this semester, can it be spring semester now?
SERIOUSLY, this is the most disappointing time ever-- I just wanna crawl under a rock and stay in there until everything seems like a distant memory. Until what's constantly clouding my mind no matter how hard I try to get rid it decides to let it go for real. I've tried so hard trying to get rid of everything involved with that point in time, everything, but nooooo, something always triggers everything back to mind. And then my heart hurts; like it's been stabbed repeatedly over and over and the tears of anger and frustration want to come out, but they don't. Because as I see it, it's not worth it feeling like this anymore. Better save my tears.

For the most part, I'm just extremely frustrated with myself.
It shouldn't take this much effort to forget.
It's getting ridiculous that I think so much about it, that it's even flooding my subconscious too, the one place that there are no issues. But no, I can't win. Never. OR my mind is just taking this so seriously it's trying to tell me even through my dreams that I seriously need to let this go before something drastic happens and I end up sick or whatever.

But whhhhhhhhhy, I'm so stupid.
Especially when it comes to things like this.
So unbelievably gullible and such a quick person to believe everything anyone tells me.
Yeah, that's gotta stop.

Let's take a nap, shall we? Even if it's not 9 yet. I rather be in a state of sleep than have to have my mind awake and frustrated. It's not like I have any plans later anyway--everyone is in Utah.
And I'm here--emotionally drowning with each passing day.
What an exciting life I lead, wooooooo!

Stop infiltrating my subconscious

Today has been a blur it feels like, it has come and gone too fast. The weekend has come and gone too fast basically.

I finally got a calling today! And guess what it is...family history indexer! Like seriously, the Lord knows me so well. He knows that's it's my goal this semester to become more involved in family history. He knows that I desire to become closer with my kindred dead. He knows that I want this. He just knows me so well it's amazing.

So yesterday was the general relief society conference. I totally forgot since I spent all of yesterday working on my American Epidemic class and the readings. We're starting with basic inorganic chem. I remember it being so nice for me back in high school, but apparently I forgot everything I spent hours trying to memorize. While reading, I'm like, "what the heck have I gotten myself into?" because everything that I was reading and trying to understand was turning into mush in my head. But I got it, I devised a little study guide for each chapter, hehehehe. You shall be defeated wretched chemistry!

Anyway, conference. It was great! There was this speaker especially that just touched my heart so much that the tears trickled down like raindrops. She talked about how the Lord will listen to you no matter the issue. He loves you and finds you so precious. He has felt every pain for you and He's willing to help lift you up if you seek him out. When you pray, spill out your heart to Him. Spill out your every desire, your every pain, your every burden, your every feeling. He knows what you're going through so seek Him out when you feel like you can't take it anymore, when you feel so weak that the only thing you can do is fall to your knees and speak to Him. If you really think about it, the Lord is like my own personal shrink. Although He's not physically there, you can feel Him there next to you, lifting you up as you pour out your heart to Him. Prayer is wonderful, it really is. Every time I feel like praying isn't going to do anything, I think back to that one time where he told me to pray for help. Although we're practically strangers know it seems, that phrase, as insignificant and simple as it was at the moment really opened my eyes from that moment on. Yeah, why hadn't I thought of it before? Prayer, simple. From then on, I turn to prayer for my troubles and for my feelings of inadequacy. I guess there's a reason for everything right? Maybe people just come into your life to teach you and give you something to learn from and nothing more. That's life it seems. You may not like it and want them to stay, but if they did their job, what more can you do?

Oh maaan, fast Sundays make me so extremely hungry. Like all day, even after I eat after fasting.
Might as well go eat dinner. Then Liz so graciously is making me cookies. I sure do crave chocolate so it works out. Ahhhh, I sure do appreciate her and what she does for me.

I just don't know anymore, I really don't. I am trying so unbelievably hard to get rid of these depression attacks, but I'm slowly falling into them again. I don't understand, why am I so like this? I hate it. I'm so afraid to let loose and to open up like I know I'm capable of. I've been hurt by everyone that I just don't wanna try anymore. If someone comes into my life, I won't make the effort to try to get them to stay because if they really cared like they said they would, then they would stay. I just don't trust anyone anymore. One by one everyone is disappointing me and giving me a reason not to trust them. And I can't anymore, I just can't pretend like I don't notice and let it go. I know it's selfish, but I'm only caring about myself, about me and getting myself better after the biggest blow I've ever received. It still affects me sometimes. I'll be here, content, then my dad would creep into my mind and I'll just break down because what he did, that's the hardest I've ever gone through; feeling unwanted by my own dad. Because of him my whole perceptive on building and maintaining relationships has changed. It just comes to show that humans tend to abandon what they get bored of, even people-- and they just leave them there wondering why, what did I do?

That's why I am going to be alone forever. And I'm ok with that in a way because then I won't get hurt.
But then again, loneliness kills.

Cuando cuente tres otra vez, vuelve a salir

Maaaaan, I love this guy.

Can I just say that I seriously love life right now? Yeah sure the whole guy thing was a total fail cause ultimately he just ignores me now and to be honest, I really don't care anymore. I'm not going to care anymore because all in all, I'm not going to go chasing after him or whatever to pay me attention. I mean, if he wants to then it's his choice. If he all of a sudden and for an unknown reason hates me, then kudos to you because that's your problem, not mine. And I'm just fed up, I got fed up waiting on him to iniciate all those plans we had and made for this semester. Well, now that that's over and done with, I feel pretty good and ultimately waaaaay more happier than before. Worrying and overthinking about guys is old. For now, I am strictly going to just focus on improving myself, more specifically being less of a proud person because that's what I've noticed in myself. Plus, also what I've been learning in marriage prep-- it's mindblowing. Like the whole concept on not focusing solely on the list of qualities you want in a spouse, but also making sure that you yourself have those qualities. When both of you have those qualities it makes for a happy relationship.  That's what I'm going to be working on when I say improving myself. And frankly, being single and not focused on having feelings for a guy is so much easier for my mind and my own sanity.

Anyways, moving on. For my family history class, I am seriously so excited! Family history wise my mom has been in a limbo, but now, knowing that I can access information from all those ecuadorian churches that my ancestors have been baptized in, it's going to be easier. And I seriously have the greatest feeling that I am on the right path. I makes me feel so happy because my blessing talks about my involvement with family history and ultimately the relationships I'll build with those ancestors I do work for. I'm so looking forward for those moments where I find names and ultimately do work for my great great grandma whose name I'm going to be on the look out for.

My classes are great, they really are. Not too hard and not too easy either. I love them all.

This semester's going to be great, I can feel it. Buuuuuut spring semester, that's a whole other semester full of anticipated events. Like living with my friend Steph and enjoying a semester together with my brother before he goes on his mission.

Whoa there, slow down life.

Gee, thanks..I got it now

The Lord works in mysterious ways sometimes. He knows EXACTLY what's good for you and so He deprives you and makes sure you avoid what you THINK is good for you. That's how I see things, when things don't work out the way I want them to I just think that way; that He doesn't want me to take that path because it could mess up what He has planned. It's hard though, accepting that realization, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Put your big boy pants on and walk with your head held high, ready for whatever comes next.

Finally!

Fridays are dedicated to my chicas and we go out. Saturdays are spent trying to catch up with homework. That's what I've been doing all day, homework, but I finished right on time! Put away my laundry, made a yummy dinner, took a shower, and now in my jammies and blasting 80s music for everyone to hear, hahahahaha! Although Liz is away in Utah this weekend and I haven't gone out and seen the sun today, I'm content with right now. I love moments where it's just me and my music being blasted, seriously one of my favorite moments. I don't need to have my hair done or dressed, I can be all lazy and not have a care in the world like I do now.

For my american epidemic class we have to have goals each week and by the end of it we grade ourselves on how we did on accomplishing those goals. Tomorrow I accomplish my biggest goal that I set for myself this week which is to go to ward choir. And lucky me, we sing tomorrow too. Although I missed the first meeting last week because I had other plans, I can still come and practice since we're singing in sacrament meeting tomorrow. I'm seriously so excited! I love singing and thanks to my mom's encouragement and constant, "you have a great voice you should join ward choir!", I'm finally going to do it. It may not seem like such a big deal for anyone, but it defiantly is for me because of my feelings towards exhibiting myself. But hey, if you can sing and love it- share it with the world!

So all day as I've mentioned, I've been on my own. One of my roommates was away at the Tempke to Temple, my other roommate is home for the weekend, and Liz is in Utah so I've basically had this apartment all to myself today. Let me tell you, I loved it. It really felt like this was MY place, MY home.But then I made dinner, sat down, and wondered. Will this be me 5 years from now? In her own place, content with the world, no worry whatsoever clouding my mind, no noisy siblings, no constant nagging from your mom, no roommates? It seriously was great. That's the thing about me, I love spending time alone, with my music and thoughts to accompany me. Especially after a week full of school, it's great to just relax and be lazy, in sweats, at least 1 time a week.

Speaking of my science class, it's pretty crazy. Crazy in a good way of course. Every class makes me feel so happy and excited to learn because I love the subject. I love learning about fitness and health. But I especially love the videos she shows us about these individuals who despite limitations that their body is supposed to give them, surpass all the odds and show the world that anything is possible if you really set your mind to it and dedicate yourself to achieve what you desire. It's really so inspiring, especially to me and my own body limitations. Despite those though, I don't let them get to me and my love of fitness. I can lift weights, I can dance, hold a plank, do jump squats--anything I set my mind to. I push my body to do these things even though in the back of my mind the voice is going, "hahahaha, you're gonna fail."

Talking my mom, going to my classes, and just re-evaluating my priorities has truly made me happier than I have been in a while. The spirit here is truly amazing. I feel it at the moments where I really need it. With the year sort of coming to a close, I've really gone through a huge and dramatic year, haven't I? But despite everything and the disappointments-- I'm truly grateful for them. They have made me realize SO MUCH about myself and my capabilities of enduring pain, sadness, and abandonment. They have opened my eyes and have allowed me to see how strong of an individual I really am. When you feel sad or just fed up, count your blessings. Believe me, it helps. I seriously love the Gospel. It really makes me happy. Without it, to be honest, I'd probably be dead right now. So basically, joining the church has saved me.

Have I mentioned how I absolutely love this album!? I'm seriously in love. And singing along to this is like the biggest happy pill ever. Like right now, as I type this, I'm singing away to this song and I seriously feel so immensely whole and happy and just, AH! I love the way music can make me feel.

Music is amazing.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with everyone

Especially with that one guy. I spent so much time sharing practically everything about myself, obsessing over how gorgeous his smile is, sharing my day to day happenings with him because he asked me and showed general interest in what I was doing, but then bam, it disappeared. Plans were made and whatnot, but nothing. And I can't help but feel used. Which is silly. But why put so much interest in me at first and go from talking like everyday to nothing? At first I was like "what if he thinks I'm annoying and has actually been talking to me this whole time because he feels sorry for me?". And now I'm just like, whaaaaat?  I really don't know. 

Why is it hard to communicate how we really feel to others? It just makes me mad. Mad at others because we have been programmed to be fearful of judgement of our own feelings and mad even at myself because I have the hardest time sharing how I feel. I keep my feelings locked up deep inside of me and only bring them out when I'm by myself, like now. I even have a hard time sharing my feelings with my mom. I don't know, I guess it's just that I'm scared that no one understands how I feel. I feel as if no one knows or even has even the slightest clue of what I feel and go through. I fear judgement. With each disappointment in my life, even the smallest one, I just lose trust in others. I lose trust in sharing with others my feelings. Every time I do end up opening up, I get nothing in return and I just end up with empty hands. It was foolish of me to get my hopes of though. I set myself up for it, all by myself. Oh well, you know what they say; if someone is supposed to stay in your life, they will be in it no matter what. You don't have to work for it or impress them. They just will be and both of you will be drawn together like two forces. I guess I just opened up too much and ended up boring him or something until he got fed up with me. Everyone told me so too, don't expect anything in return. Don't get your hopes up. But being the rebellious person I am (wink wink), I ignore everyone's advice and went off on my own. And look to where that got me. But it's super confusing when one person tells you, "don't force anything with a guy because he'll think you're needy or whatever" and another tells you, "show interest, don't let him do all the work". Which side do you take? Can I just quit having feelings for guys for now. It seriously is the most time consuming thing ever.  And why do I over-analyze everything? Gaaaah, it's totally my fault. I did this. I set myself up for feeling this way about someone who doesn't see you in that way at all. 

I need to distract myself. I need to figure out what I'm doing with myself. 

I need to stop setting myself up for times like these where I feel confused. I'm so serious though, I have never felt so confused in my life than I am now trying to figure this out, but you know what? If all this is supposed to be figured out, it will get figured out on its own. My poor brain has had enough trying to piece things together, seriously. 

Ow, my calves hurt

I never really realized how far away I really live until my calves started to burn. From my classes, it turns out it's like a 20-25 minute walk. But oh well, I like the walking. Especially if I have great music to listen to on the way. Where I'm living now, it's nice. The only but is what everything will be like when it starts to get snowy and windy and slippery and super cold. We'll see what it's like. If I get fed up with the distance it is from my classes (mostly the clark) then I might move closer, to like the other side of campus again. I visited Snowview yesterday to have lunch with a friend and it's so nice. The location, the look of it. We'll see though.

It's week two and I still don't know how I feel being back. At times I feel lost and homeless despite me having a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, and a great and spectacular roommate. I feel like I'm some kind of vagabond; moving from place to place and never having a set place to be at.   It's also weird getting back into the "school mood" mindset. It's just a matter of time I guess.

My classes are great for the most part, can't complain. Most of them are easy, just busy work for the most part. Like in my child development class we have to do service at the daycare for a total of 4 hours and to top that write a paper of it. Plus a bunch of other things. My science class, wow. I love it for the most part. It might change though when we get to the science parts, but overall I love how it's a focus on health. From that one assignment we did I got to really evaluate myself and accept the fact that despite me working out everyday and eating right, I really need to get my emotional health in check. So this semester, in order to improve that area of my health I am going to be doing something scary, join ward choir.  I love singing, but I'm ify about how others will react to my voice. My family says I have a good voice and my one of my exes too, but that's different compared to a complete bunch of strangers. The perk though is I hear that our ward choir is filled with guys. Gotta suck it up and do what I'm afraid of.  Gotta get up and show everyone what I can do while at the same time doing something that brings me happiness and joy. I got a lipid test to do today. Been fasting for 12 hours and ehh, I can go forever without eating. I'm just kinda paranoid it might come out wrong or whatever.

Time for science I guess.
It's so weird that it's in the music building.

Sharing is caring

So I just finished my intro to family history homework and I love it. The spirit was so strong while I wrote, amazing experience.
We had to write out our testimonies or our view on life and it was so wonderful and spiritual and ahhh, I love it.

So I thought I'd share. I want to share with whoever reads this the true and amazingness of the Gospel and how it can help you even at your most weakest points. I am on such a spiritual high right now. I love it!

My family, all generations since the beginning of time have been born and raised in Ecuador where the main religion that everyone practices is Catholicism. The funny thing was that a majority of those that claimed to be Catholic didn't even attend. Growing up and attending those few times to services from what I remember was strange. Church was supposed to feel spiritual, right? I only felt nothing. It was like attending any social gathering, there was nothing special about it. Then my parents decided it would be better for us, my brother and me, if they went to the United States and tried to build up a better life for us. So they went and started to work. My dad in landscaping and my mom started a small cleaning business of her own cleaning other people's houses. My brother and I were left in the care of my dad's parents while they were away. That is where I remember some of the hardest years being at. My brother and I suffered a lot with them. Finally we were brought to the US to live with our parents and I truly thought life would changed and it did solely through my mom's decision to open the door to some tall strangers that were getting soaked in the rain.  I've been a member of the church for about 9 years now. At first when I was baptized at age 10, I didn't know what I was getting into. I felt like I was just being dragged along by my mom's own decision to join the church. For years I tried really hard to gain a testimony of my own and it wasn't much time until I experienced the hardest trial of my life that to this day seems like the hardest burden to bear sometimes. I don't exactly remember at what point it happened. All I remember was waking up one day and not being able to move my arm like the other one. As time progressed I got weaker and weaker on the left side of my body. My left hand was always tense and tight. It wouldn't stretch out like the other hand. My left foot got weak as well. I started limping and unable at times to walk without tripping over my own feet. My mom noticed and took me to the doctor. That is where everything changed, where my testimony, the testimony I was looking for, appeared. That point of my life was where I suffered with the constant question of "Why me?"  We went from doctor to doctor finding an explanation for this strange occurrence that sprang up out of the blue. We traveled all over New York trying to find the right answer. I had CT scans and MRI scans of my brain performed and we took them to neurologists to hear what they saw in the scans and their opinions, but most doctors said the same, that what I was experiencing was from a possible tumor in my brain. In the scans they saw a strange colored area and that's what they thought, that it was a tumor. I remember sitting outside the office door listening to the doctor speak with my parents and hearing the doctor say that I could remain paralyzed for the rest of my life in the event that they took out the tumor. I was scared, so scared. All my hopes and dreams for the future seemed to fly out the window as I heard those words. We went to another doctor for a last opinion and found out there was no tumor at all, but rather a blood vessel rupture from an injury I received when I was little that caught up with me years later. I think about it and think to myself, something must have happened to me when I was living with my grandparents. They were really abusive after all so something they did to me could have triggered that rupture, which I'm sure about. Immediately after finding out the correct diagnosis I was sent everywhere. Physical therapy, occupational therapy, surgeons to see if they could do anything to possibly correct my hand weakness.  I went from doctor to doctor and I felt exhausted and fed up. I just wanted to be like everyone else, being able to be normal for once. I saw myself different from others and felt like some sort of mutant. I felt distant from everyone and drew myself away from everyone for this reason. I went through school constantly feeling like this. I went from being a loud, super outgoing, talkative person to someone who was very cautious and unable to trust anyone. Did they know what was going on with me? Did they know? Do they think I'm a freak? Fear of rejection because of my problem turned me anti-social and shy. I had to wear a foot brace on my leg to help me set my heel straight when I walked, and I still do to this day. I felt like an outcast everyday and wished this wasn't happening to me. What did I do to receive this? It wasn't until I was in my mid teen years that I slowly began to understand that the Lord didn't just give me this trail to make my life hard, but to chasten me. In my blessing it says that I was one of His most valiant soldiers. At church I've always heard the saying that the Lord gives the hardest battles to His strongest soldiers. That was how I chose to see this trial I was going through. If the Lord gave me this, I'm able and strong enough to get through it. Going through this for almost all my life has truly been a blessing in disguise. I find myself being able to see the true spirit of others when I associate with them. I don't see just the physical and their appearance. Through getting to know them, I see their true inner beauty and the sweetness of their spirit. I can see how special they are to the Lord, I can feel it. Through getting over my own physical limitations and accepting myself the way I am, I have come to better appreciate inner beauty and to judge others on their character rather than by what they look like.  Family life was hard too. My dad hated that we went to Church. He wanted us to remain Catholic with him. It angered him that we couldn't go out on Sundays with him, that my mom changed her attitude about his problems with tobacco and alcohol, and that we believed things that he saw as outrageous. We tried to get him to understand what being Mormon was about, but he refused to accept what the missionaries taught him. His heart grew cold and bitter and he went off on his own doing whatever he wanted. He got drunk on weekends, got mad at everything, and came up with the cruelest things to say to my mom, blaming her and saying that her new church was destroying the family. Everything bad that happened around the house, he seemed to put blame on the church. I felt alone. My parents were constantly fighting and I hated it. I wanted that family that I always saw at church; happy and loving. I wanted my dad to have the priesthood and able to give me blessings. I wanted to see my dad dressed in a suit blessing the sacrament or standing up and giving a talk. I wanted to hear his testimony of the church, but most of all I wanted to be able to go to the temple with my family and be sealed together for all eternity. I always had a hopeful heart that my dad would change and accept the truthfulness of the Gospel, but he never did. As time passed on and my dad went farther and farther away from us, the family I had was breaking apart. Then my dad just left. He found someone else and decided to what seemed to me discard of us like we were yesterday's news. I felt completely unwanted and unloved by the man that was supposed to be one of my best friends. The man that I would look to when looking for my own husband one day, but that man didn't exist. I had my mom of course, she had enough love for me and my siblings that my dad was never able to provide, but that wasn't the same as a father's love.  Sometimes trials are given to us that we feel we can't handle, but we must remember that the Lord knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows we can do it. I have learned that I shouldn't let my condition keep me from enjoying life. If I'm judged by others because of me being the way I am, then they aren't supposed to be part of my life if they can't accept me the way I am and love me for me. Working out became my proof that I can do things like others despite my condition. I taught myself to run despite my leg weakness, how to dance and move around, and to lift weights; not heavy ones, but enough to makes my arms stronger. Working out has given me the opportunity to strengthen those weak areas as well as give me that confidence I had lost, but most importantly, the Lord has given me the most strength, strength that not even the most intense workout can give you. He has been there for me always and I've sometimes never realized it. He has been there for me to reassure me that everything is going to be alright. He has blessed me with amazing friends and the most amazing mother. She is the greatest example in my life and my best friend. All her sacrifices for me and my siblings are very inspiring and also give me the strength I need during hard times. Every experience in my life, both good and bad has made me into the strong woman I am today. I may have my moments of weakness, but I bring myself up again. Despite not having the family I always dreamed of now with my siblings and mom, I know in my heart that I will get that someday. I look forward to the day when I meet my eternal companion accepts me the way I am and loves me for me. I look forward to the day when I get married, sealed to each other and our future children. I can't wait to become a mother and raise my kids in the home I never had; in a home centered on the teachings of Christ, but most of all I can't wait till the day I get to see my Heavenly Father face to face and being able to thank him for everything he has ever done for me and for giving me these experiences that have made my testimony grow. I can't wait till the day when he embraces me and tells me that I did it, that I passed the test by enduring till the end. "Well done thy good and faithful servant. Enter ye into My rest"

All you need is love

SO TRUE! Because really, that's all you need.

I've been feelings so much better and happier lately. I love my classes this semester; especially my intro to family history class. It looks like loads of fun and I really feel like my life will change somewhat from all the things I learn there. So many plans already for that class too. I'm already planning out what I'm doing my projects on and it really excites me. In my blessing it talks about my involvement with family history and the special relationship I will build with those I do work for. I think this is it; with me taking this class.
But seriously, I love my classes.

Tonight I made my mom's potato apple salad and combined it with my spicy creole pasta; AND HOLY CRAP I CAN COOK YUMMY THINGS. I was so unbelievably proud of myself I gave myself a pat on the back. I can't wait to experiment with more dishes and share my creations with others. Like, I gave Liz some spicy creole pasta for dinner since she got home late from one of her classes and she really liked it. If I can keep creating yummy food, I think cooking is going to turn into one of my favorite things to do. It just makes my day seeing someone else smile after tasting my food. It makes me feel so useful and happy.
The first time I made something and was comfortable enough to share it was when I was back home. I made a quick chicken broth with veggies and oregano and a bit of black pepper. My mom enjoyed it and surprisingly so did Adrian. My mom was like, "the reason this tastes so good is because you put so much love in making it." And that's true. Even if I make a dish for myself, I give it my all; my "love" per say.

At this point, I am going to focus so much on bringing myself to the point where I was before, where I was so happy with life. I feel like I will finally get there this semester. I will dive into my classes which are full of my favorite topics; children, marriage, family, fitness, and preparing to raise a family.  Doing things I love will definitely get me there. That's what I love about school. You will truly enjoy it when you are learning about things that you really love.
At this point in the whole guy department, I'm not really going to give it much thought. I will not be chasing after anyone this semester. If by any chance I do happen to interest someone, then we'll see. I totally realize now how much of my time I've spent preoccupied with thoughts about dating, relationships, and all that jazz. I love romance, don't get me wrong, but for once I just want my next relationship whenever in the near future that may be, to happen on it's own without me having to put so much effort in getting a guy to be interested. If you guys are destined to be together, it will happen without you having to throw yourself out there. Because that's the way I am and of course anyone can disagree and say "but the girl shouldn't let the guy do all the work". Like I've mentioned somewhere before, I'm a traditional person when it comes to romance; my guy will have to work for it. Whoever that guy may be, who knows.

Communication is always the key to anything and I've slowly been learning that. That's one huge lesson my past relationship with my ex taught me; that you're not going to go anywhere if you don't share with the other person how you feel, what your concerns are, what you want. No one's a mind reader and can assume that the other person knows what you want. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. I just wish though that some people were more like this with me and let me know what they want. It feels like some, sometimes my own friends, assume that I know what they want when I don't. If by some rare miracle I might know, I might be waiting for that person to say something first to see if they can. If you're strong and confident enough to be totally honest and upfront with me, I will truly admire you. Sometimes, you can't win them all right?

I feel really blessed today. I spent much needed time with Luna today and boy, I love that girl. I feel her love for me every time. Not just from her, but also from people I am really close with. Knowing that they love me, imperfections and all, really makes me grateful and blessed by the Lord that I have amazing people in my life.

Noooow, time for bed. Early gym sesh AND a timed run in science class. I got this though; I ran 2 miles with no breaks today. That's something I'm really proud of. I interval trained myself to get totally used to running and it's been a success. When I began running again last semester I did that, interval trained and ran 5 minutes, walked 5, and so on. It took me a long time, but I think I'm getting the hang of it. The more I run, the farther I'll be able to go if I'm faithful to my running. It's not how fast you run or how well you can keep up with others, but how you feel. I go slow when I run, so what. I still get a great run in, the pace shouldn't matter.

Lately I've really enjoyed Matchbox Twenty and their new stuff.
So good.

Everyone's entitled to one, right?

And by "one" I mean those moments where you feel like utter crap and want to cry and don't feel good enough and have no idea where you're going or doing with your life. But this time it just randomly came up and appeared; no invitation.
After a long teary conversation with my mom, I have nothing to be sad about. I have no reason to feel this way. At all.
The past is in the past. I can't change it. It has made me stronger and into who I am. I wouldn't change it because everything that I've been through; every disappointment and every betrayal has brought me to this moment. To right now.

I'm supposed to be here, right now. There's a reason.

But sometimes though, I have my moment of weakness. Like now.
Where I feel like I can't trust anyone. Where I feel taken advantage of. Where I feel used. Where I feel cheated. Where I feel like I'm getting nothing in return. Where I ask myself, "when is it my turn to be happy too?" Like everyone else. Because that's how I feel; like I'm missing something. I just can't put my finger on it.

To be totally honest, I'm not happy. I may show it on the outside, but really, I have so many things in my life that have affected me so much that they're crushing me. Every worry, every concern, everything; it's always on my mind. No matter how much I try to really smile and be happy with life, those things creep up on me. It's their goal to make me miserable. BUT like I've mentioned before, I'm going to fight this. I'm going to win.  And I will be happy again. Like I used to.

Just trying to take each day one step at a time until I get to that point.
I hope my gut feeling is right and something wonderful comes out of this semester.

Aw man, I'm here

After like 21653274 hours in the car- we made it to Rexburg!
After another 317352 hours, I finished unpacking everything. My zebra print sheets fit, I organized my clothes, and I created a little nightstand using my plastic bins. Only downside was that one of my drawers decided to be retarded and broke off.
Now I'm all done and it's 2 in the morning; I should go to bed. But I don't want tooooo!

We went to Luna's tonight. Bless her little heart--she made us pizza and kool-aid.
And she lent me her book about not falling in love with jerks. Cause I need it, hahaha. I mean, I'm tired of getting my heart broken. I'm taking this reading seriously. With the dating scene, it's serious this time. I'm putting my game face on. But then again another part of me wants to forget dating this semester. Guys are distracting. Depending on the guy, he can infiltrate your mind. He's always crossing it. And you forget yourself and get lost in the emotion. On one side, I love that feeling of getting flustered by a guy and another side, it's ehhhh. Ehhh as in, in the event something happens, will you be able not to screw up this time? The thing with this one though is that I really have no reason to feel the way I feel about him. We haven't hung out or really talked much to justify it. It kinda just decided to plant itself there leaving me to wonder if it's worth it. I really don't want to waste time feeling a way for someone that might not even feel the same. And I mean, why would he. He barely knows me and vice versa. Ok, maybe not barely, but you get the point. I'm just going to try not to think about it and really enjoy this semester.

Whatever happens, it will happen, and I will put my brave face on and deal with it. If something is supposed to happen, it will happen. It will just unexpectantly come. Sooooo, enough with overthinking.

On a brighter note, (re)exploring Rexburg later today.
Annnnnd, I'm going to bed.
Goodnight.

50 Shades of Me

There's nothing else to do so might as well.

50 Shades of Me. 

• 1. What is your best friends name? Tiffany
• 2. What color underwear/boxers wearing now? black
• 3. What are you listening to right now? Love of My Life- Queen
• 4. Whats your favorite number? 11
• 5. What was the last thing you ate? bacon
• 6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? blue
• 7. How is the weather right now? sunny
• 8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my mom
• 9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? smile
• 10. Do you have a significant other? nope
• 11. Favorite TV show? don't have one
• 12. Siblings? Adrian and Stephanie
• 13. Height? 5'3
• 14. Hair color? brown
• 15. Eye Color? brown
• 16. Do you wear contacts? no
• 17. Favorite Holiday? Christmas
• 18. Month? September
• 19. Have you ever cried for no reason? all the time
• 20. What was the last movie you watched? Footloose
• 21. Favorite Day of the Year? my birthday
• 22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? meh
• 23. Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)? ahahahahaha, noooooo
• 24. Hugs or Kisses? can I have both?
• 25. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate
• 26. Do you want your friends to respond to this? Eh...
• 27. Who is most likely to respond to a text from you? everyone 
• 28. Who is least likely to respond to a text from you? people not on my contacts
• 29. What books are you reading? none 
• 30. Piercings? ears
• 31. Favorite movies? The breakfast club; basically everything by john hughes
• 32. Favorite football Team? no thanks
• 33. What are you doing right now? typing this and listening to music
• 34. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn? salted
• 37. Dogs or cats? cats
• 38. Favorite flower? rose
• 39. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do? yeees
• 40. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex? yup
• 41. Have you ever loved someone? yeah
• 42. Who would you like to see right now?  lot of people
• 43. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten? HAHA, no
• 44. Have you ever fired a gun? no
• 45. Do you like to travel by plane? sometimes
• 46. Right-handed or Left-handed? right
• 47. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3
• 48. Are you missing someone? yup
• 49. Do you have a tattoo? nope
• 50. Anybody that you'd go on a date with? of course :)