Today I met up with Anton.
It was nice, catching up with him and stuff, but it made me wonder why in the world I ever went out with him. I mean, he's a nice guy and all, but he's just not my type. I guess I never got to really know him before being together. And then I realized how lucky I am to have such an amazing guy that I really enjoy spending time with as well as enjoying the perks of being in a relationship if ya catch my drift ;)
I really miss him.
Whenever I see couples walking by, holding hands, I'm like "awwww, I miss my Cainan"
Even though I haven't really spoken to you lately, I hope (and I know) that you read this.
Even though we are tons of miles away, my heart is still with you. Until I see you again, it will remain incomplete. I really don't know what my life would be the same without you. Probably the same, but I wouldn't have those moments where I remember the first time you came up to me and called me short, the first time you held my hand, and the last kiss we shared before I left to come back to New York, and I smile to myself and my mom asks me, "what are you smiling about?" and I'm like, "memories". I don't want you to feel like I have forgotten about you cause no matter what I'm doing, you're always on the back of my mind.
I love you, never forget that.
New Years Eve, as I stand in Times Square with my best friend and look over as we reach 2012, I'll look to my side and die a little bit inside because you're not here with me to spend one of the happiest times I love, starting over and turning over a new leaf. There's no one I would rather spend it then with you, starting off the new year with an amazing guy who has taught me so much in this short time we've been together.
I hope this makes up for my absence this week. The last time you called, I was asleep. I'm not very good with returning calls. But I know that by you reading my blog, which I know you read, it'll be like talking to you. I can hear your voice now, reciting all I have written back to me and I will be like "really? You actually read my stuff?"
The thing though is, I don't want to let myself get vulnerable by being all open about everything.
Cause there are the chances, who knows how big or small, that my words will be crushed- bringing me along with them.
I should be a lawyer
...cause I'm pretty good at winning arguments.
A negotiation here and there...I get what I want.
Mwahahahahahaha.
The post below me? Pretty dramatic, but it helped me clear my head and fall asleep faster last night.
My life doesn't suck.
At least not that much.
:P
A negotiation here and there...I get what I want.
Mwahahahahahaha.
The post below me? Pretty dramatic, but it helped me clear my head and fall asleep faster last night.
My life doesn't suck.
At least not that much.
:P
Home is where the mountains are
I hate it here.
Can I go back?
Where there aren't mistrusting people constantly bothering me about my life and what I do.
I hate being treated like a stupid little girl.
No trust in what I do.
I'm just expected to stay locked in all day?
No thanks.
I might have been fine with that before, but not anymore.
I guess I forgot what a hell living here is.
Constantly watched and having people butt into your business. Feeling like a prisoner on a constant basis.
I should have stayed in Rexburg winter semester. I don't know if I can bear 3 months of feeling on lockdown. Please job god, land me those jobs I applied for so I can get away from here.
To top it all off I feel like dying because of this stupid sore throat. I can't sleep because of it.
I miss college. And my friends. And being on my own and not having someone bug me the way my mom does. And even my brother acting like my dad, no thanks. No one asked you. I've been fine without one.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
No one.
Let me wallow in my pathetic life.
Can I go back?
Where there aren't mistrusting people constantly bothering me about my life and what I do.
I hate being treated like a stupid little girl.
No trust in what I do.
I'm just expected to stay locked in all day?
No thanks.
I might have been fine with that before, but not anymore.
I guess I forgot what a hell living here is.
Constantly watched and having people butt into your business. Feeling like a prisoner on a constant basis.
I should have stayed in Rexburg winter semester. I don't know if I can bear 3 months of feeling on lockdown. Please job god, land me those jobs I applied for so I can get away from here.
To top it all off I feel like dying because of this stupid sore throat. I can't sleep because of it.
I miss college. And my friends. And being on my own and not having someone bug me the way my mom does. And even my brother acting like my dad, no thanks. No one asked you. I've been fine without one.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
No one.
Let me wallow in my pathetic life.
I forgot how annoying my sister is
That title pretty much explains it all.
She's seriously so annoying. So I'm sitting on my bed singing along to some Backstreet Boys and she just comes in and sits there. I know this is mean, but sometimes her presence really annoys me. She makes too much noise just to annoy me. I ask her to stop and she just mimics me or insults me in the stupidest way possible. I try really hard to not scream my head off at her to leave me alone and it works half of the time. The other times I just scream at her and she starts crying and saying I don't love her. It's actually pretty funny to watch sometimes. The things she says sometimes....hahahahahahaha, so ridiculous. Like this morning she hands me a pad and she was like, "here, for your problem." What problem do I have? It was funny even though it made no sense. I guess you could say that it was a "you had to be there moment."
I really hate that feeling. You know that feeling of a very itchy spot on your back that you can't reach? That one. Where's my backscratching device?
I had the best experience today. A bit silly and stupid, but it was soooooo much fun.
I danced to my ipod.
I had my earphones in as I worked out since sometimes hearing Bob Harber's voice is annoying. With my music in I had even more energy than I normally have when I work out. Then a very upbeat crazy song came on and I just danced like a crazy person. I don't even know if you could call what I did dancing. After a bunch of jumping, dramatic arm movements, hip swaying (so much fun), and clumsy turns, I tired myself out and then I went to shower. Then I saw a commercial for Zumba. This latin dancing DVD series. OHMYGOSH. I then knew what I wanted for Christmas. I wanna learn how to dance in spanish. Like seriously, we hispanics have awesome hip moving skills; so much fun.
It surprises me that I've been awake today since I've been running on like 5 hours of sleep.
I went to bed at like 2am, fell asleep, received a call from this guy who is pretty much the reason why I couldn't fall asleep in the first place at like 4:30ish, then I couldn't fall asleep anymore and I went and got myself a bowl of cereal, sat on the couch, and watched music videos.
Somehow I'm not dead yet.
I mean I did get some nap time in my day maybe that's why.
On other matters -
How do you know that you've met the love of your life?
Cause that's what I wanna know.
I love how warm and comfy your neck is. Your cheesy smile that's so cute. I like your adorable eye twitches. Your smell. Your hands. Your back. The way you look at me. The way you hold me when you kiss me. Your hugs. Your way of mimicking me. The feel of your head on my shoulder. The look on your face when you believe me when I'm joking around with you. The way you try to convince me that I have a cute nose. Your weird scenarios. The feeling I get when I see you. The look on your face when you're concentrating on something. The sound of your voice. And especially the effect your absence has on me whenever we're apart tells me that I love you more than I knew I could love someone other than my family.
Haha, I can be cheesy, but it's so true.
Like my mom told me yesterday, when you're obedient and follow the right, the Lord places the most wonderful people in your life.
She's seriously so annoying. So I'm sitting on my bed singing along to some Backstreet Boys and she just comes in and sits there. I know this is mean, but sometimes her presence really annoys me. She makes too much noise just to annoy me. I ask her to stop and she just mimics me or insults me in the stupidest way possible. I try really hard to not scream my head off at her to leave me alone and it works half of the time. The other times I just scream at her and she starts crying and saying I don't love her. It's actually pretty funny to watch sometimes. The things she says sometimes....hahahahahahaha, so ridiculous. Like this morning she hands me a pad and she was like, "here, for your problem." What problem do I have? It was funny even though it made no sense. I guess you could say that it was a "you had to be there moment."
I really hate that feeling. You know that feeling of a very itchy spot on your back that you can't reach? That one. Where's my backscratching device?
I had the best experience today. A bit silly and stupid, but it was soooooo much fun.
I danced to my ipod.
I had my earphones in as I worked out since sometimes hearing Bob Harber's voice is annoying. With my music in I had even more energy than I normally have when I work out. Then a very upbeat crazy song came on and I just danced like a crazy person. I don't even know if you could call what I did dancing. After a bunch of jumping, dramatic arm movements, hip swaying (so much fun), and clumsy turns, I tired myself out and then I went to shower. Then I saw a commercial for Zumba. This latin dancing DVD series. OHMYGOSH. I then knew what I wanted for Christmas. I wanna learn how to dance in spanish. Like seriously, we hispanics have awesome hip moving skills; so much fun.
It surprises me that I've been awake today since I've been running on like 5 hours of sleep.
I went to bed at like 2am, fell asleep, received a call from this guy who is pretty much the reason why I couldn't fall asleep in the first place at like 4:30ish, then I couldn't fall asleep anymore and I went and got myself a bowl of cereal, sat on the couch, and watched music videos.
Somehow I'm not dead yet.
I mean I did get some nap time in my day maybe that's why.
On other matters -
How do you know that you've met the love of your life?
Cause that's what I wanna know.
I love how warm and comfy your neck is. Your cheesy smile that's so cute. I like your adorable eye twitches. Your smell. Your hands. Your back. The way you look at me. The way you hold me when you kiss me. Your hugs. Your way of mimicking me. The feel of your head on my shoulder. The look on your face when you believe me when I'm joking around with you. The way you try to convince me that I have a cute nose. Your weird scenarios. The feeling I get when I see you. The look on your face when you're concentrating on something. The sound of your voice. And especially the effect your absence has on me whenever we're apart tells me that I love you more than I knew I could love someone other than my family.
Haha, I can be cheesy, but it's so true.
Like my mom told me yesterday, when you're obedient and follow the right, the Lord places the most wonderful people in your life.
Withdrawls
I miss Rexburg already.
It's great to be home and all, but I feel like my heart is missing something, not complete.
I miss my friends.
I miss the mountains.
And I miss Cainan... a lot.
But I'm home.
With my family.
And my bed.
And my adorable pets.
But it would be so much better if he was here with me.
But I can do it, he told me on our last night together to be strong.
And I will be.
Love is something that I've never really experienced until all I thought about was you, everything I did somehow connected back to you, I loved talking about you to my friends, my siblings, my mom, my church leaders...ect, and every song that reminded me of you and us made me cry.
This seems so unreal, but it's happening and I never want it to end.
But, like I always tell myself when I'm really missing someone - distance makes the heart grow fonder.
It's great to be home and all, but I feel like my heart is missing something, not complete.
I miss my friends.
I miss the mountains.
And I miss Cainan... a lot.
But I'm home.
With my family.
And my bed.
And my adorable pets.
But it would be so much better if he was here with me.
But I can do it, he told me on our last night together to be strong.
And I will be.
Love is something that I've never really experienced until all I thought about was you, everything I did somehow connected back to you, I loved talking about you to my friends, my siblings, my mom, my church leaders...ect, and every song that reminded me of you and us made me cry.
This seems so unreal, but it's happening and I never want it to end.
But, like I always tell myself when I'm really missing someone - distance makes the heart grow fonder.
Hey you.
Being away from you these past few days felt like forever.
I've missed holding you close, I've missed your kisses, and the way you hold my hand.
I've missed the way you say I love you and the way you make me feel like the luckiest girl to have someone so amazing as you.
There's no definition of a perfect guy.
But you come close.
You'll make mistakes, you'll make me mad, you'll make me not want to talk to you
But that's what a relationship is about- its ups and downs and the trust these ups and downs builds.
I love you so much it scares me sometimes.
I want to cry when I think about how much I love you.
Every love song brings you to mind.
You keep me up at night, like right now at 10:11pm, because I can't stop thinking about how much I love you.
This is the most amazing, beautiful, and purest feeling.
Loving someone and knowing they love you back.
I love you Cainan.
You're the answer to every hope I've had since forever ago.
I've missed holding you close, I've missed your kisses, and the way you hold my hand.
I've missed the way you say I love you and the way you make me feel like the luckiest girl to have someone so amazing as you.
There's no definition of a perfect guy.
But you come close.
You'll make mistakes, you'll make me mad, you'll make me not want to talk to you
But that's what a relationship is about- its ups and downs and the trust these ups and downs builds.
I love you so much it scares me sometimes.
I want to cry when I think about how much I love you.
Every love song brings you to mind.
You keep me up at night, like right now at 10:11pm, because I can't stop thinking about how much I love you.
This is the most amazing, beautiful, and purest feeling.
Loving someone and knowing they love you back.
I love you Cainan.
You're the answer to every hope I've had since forever ago.
it's hard.
It's hard to forgive someone.
I've been doing it all my life to people that went on and did the same thing to me again even after I forgave them and I don't want to keep on doing that and getting hurt time after time because of people that aren't honest with me.
I want to believe them, I want everything to be okay again, but I can't, I just can't no matter how hard I try to tell myself that they mean it and that they won't do it again.
My ability to believe others has been tarnished by my previous experiences.
If it happened once, who says it isn't going to happen again?
How do I know that everything that has been said hasn't been a lie too?
I never knew that honesty would be such a big deal to me lately.
I do it too; lie. So then why am I making this such a big deal?
Because I promised myself that I would be honest from now on and now, someone was dishonest with me after I've been trying so hard to be better.
Because it was done by someone that I really care about and someone that I thought was perfect, but I guess not.
Why is this so hard?
No one is perfect and I have to understand that.
But he was my definition of perfect and he ruined my perspective because of that one little thing.
I want to believe you, but I can't.
I need a break to think.
Good thing Thanksgiving break is on Tuesday.
Can I just go home now?
I need my mom.
She knows everything.
She'll know what to do.
25 days need to pass by fast.
I've had it with being independent and being on my own.
I'm still not ready for being on my own. I kinda am, but I don't feel it.
I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
I've been doing it all my life to people that went on and did the same thing to me again even after I forgave them and I don't want to keep on doing that and getting hurt time after time because of people that aren't honest with me.
I want to believe them, I want everything to be okay again, but I can't, I just can't no matter how hard I try to tell myself that they mean it and that they won't do it again.
My ability to believe others has been tarnished by my previous experiences.
If it happened once, who says it isn't going to happen again?
How do I know that everything that has been said hasn't been a lie too?
I never knew that honesty would be such a big deal to me lately.
I do it too; lie. So then why am I making this such a big deal?
Because I promised myself that I would be honest from now on and now, someone was dishonest with me after I've been trying so hard to be better.
Because it was done by someone that I really care about and someone that I thought was perfect, but I guess not.
Why is this so hard?
No one is perfect and I have to understand that.
But he was my definition of perfect and he ruined my perspective because of that one little thing.
I want to believe you, but I can't.
I need a break to think.
Good thing Thanksgiving break is on Tuesday.
Can I just go home now?
I need my mom.
She knows everything.
She'll know what to do.
25 days need to pass by fast.
I've had it with being independent and being on my own.
I'm still not ready for being on my own. I kinda am, but I don't feel it.
I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
Broccoli Soup
Annka made broccoli soup last night and we had left overs, sooooo I had some for lunch. It was super mucho yummy. hahaha
I'm glad to say that after a good cry about who knows what, I'm better now. I don't feel so depressed anymore. I shouldn't beat myself over things that I did that I may at times regret, but I made those decisions and there's a reason for having made them. I gotta move on and stop being selfish. It's not always about me. I gotta work on me before I can focus on someone else.
* * *
I got a 98 on my Other paper today. I love that. I thought my paper was crappy at first because I couldn't figure out how to write it, in what format, but eventually I did and then there's the end result-- an A+.
I wrote about my dad and his addiction to alcohol and how he uses it to escape the reality that he lives. It really made me feel sympathy for him.
I wish he would change.
I really love music. I love it.
I lip-sync to it at the gym, on my way to class, while I do my homework. I think about it in the shower, while I eat-- it's love. I love that it puts me in a good mood, that listening to a favorite song brings up my spirit.
So I began making plans for winter. Most of my finals for this semester are before the 16th of December, which is good. Now I gotta figure out when I can book my flight, meaning for when. Hopefully I can hitch a ride with Alida's family. ALSO, I have to look into storage. How in the world am I going to do that? Seriously, this would be so much easier if I had a car. I', ready to get this semester over with. College you've been fun, but I need my New York.
My legs are sore, especially the back of my knees. Ow. Walking around campus, it's like walking up a hill. This college is on a slope, seriously. My calves are a witness.
I need to get out of my dorm. Seriously.
This mellow vibe that wanders the air is getting to me.
hellogoodbye
I like listening to music while I do my homework I have my pandora station set to boys like girls radio. All these songs are bringing back so many memories; especially the time that I was 13. At 13 I was obsessed with poppy punky music which is what I'm listening to now. At 13 I was excited to start high school, I was excited to have a boyfriend, I was excited about being a teenager. I thought being a teenager would be so much fun, but it is not fun at all. I don't know who I am. At this point I should have an idea, which I do, but then what?
ugh.
I should probably stop procrastinating and do my homework so I actually wake up tomorrow and go to my 7:45 class which I skipped Monday because I was too tired to wake up.
I should stop listening to depressing music. I really should. It has made this week horrible. All I want to do is find a corner and sit there. Just sit there and cry until I know what to do. I wish this feeling would go away. It seems that doubt loves planting itself in my mind at all the wrong moments. It doesn't let me get over things without doubting if I made the right choice.
Agency really is a gift. The power to choose for yourself. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier to deal with if we didn't have to make so many choices on our own, at least the important decisions that could make or break you.
I wish my patriarchal blessing revealed to me what I should do, what steps and decisions I should take to achieve the life I am promised. I'm not good at making decisions, Heavenly Father knows that. Make it a little easier? "Cherish all the moments...those that bring happiness and those that bring sorrow."
At least that's what I remember from my blessing. Not word for word, but the concept is still there.
That's what I need to do.
To cherish everything, even my decisions and the outcomes they produce on not only my life, but my emotional state as well.
I love how I come to realizations about myself by blogging and getting my thoughts and feelings out there. It helps with lifting up my mood. It feels like I just released some unknown force that was causing me to feel this way. With my music (even though it can get depressing) and my keyboard, I'm good.
I'm okay.
for now.
ugh.
I should probably stop procrastinating and do my homework so I actually wake up tomorrow and go to my 7:45 class which I skipped Monday because I was too tired to wake up.
I should stop listening to depressing music. I really should. It has made this week horrible. All I want to do is find a corner and sit there. Just sit there and cry until I know what to do. I wish this feeling would go away. It seems that doubt loves planting itself in my mind at all the wrong moments. It doesn't let me get over things without doubting if I made the right choice.
Agency really is a gift. The power to choose for yourself. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier to deal with if we didn't have to make so many choices on our own, at least the important decisions that could make or break you.
I wish my patriarchal blessing revealed to me what I should do, what steps and decisions I should take to achieve the life I am promised. I'm not good at making decisions, Heavenly Father knows that. Make it a little easier? "Cherish all the moments...those that bring happiness and those that bring sorrow."
At least that's what I remember from my blessing. Not word for word, but the concept is still there.
That's what I need to do.
To cherish everything, even my decisions and the outcomes they produce on not only my life, but my emotional state as well.
I love how I come to realizations about myself by blogging and getting my thoughts and feelings out there. It helps with lifting up my mood. It feels like I just released some unknown force that was causing me to feel this way. With my music (even though it can get depressing) and my keyboard, I'm good.
I'm okay.
for now.
No motivation
I have no motivation to do anything besides just sit here and listen to my depressing spanish music.
But I have to go to the gym later or else my goal to run this month of November will go down the drain.
I need that release of stress. I really do. What's stressing me out? Money, going home and how I'm getting there, packing all my things at the end of the semester, potentially having someone mad at me, going through airport security, getting my grades up to a high 3ish GPA for scholarship consideration, the list goes on.
I really need this semester to be over.
Like now.
I want it to be December already so I could start counting the days down to my sister's baptism. After years of fighting, she is finally getting what she has dreamed about. For a while it seemed that she would never get her baptism because my dad wouldn't let her get baptized and to get baptized, she needed parental approval from BOTH parents. So happy.
I just want to be back home. In my bed. Away from independence. I've had enough.
I need my family.
But I have to go to the gym later or else my goal to run this month of November will go down the drain.
I need that release of stress. I really do. What's stressing me out? Money, going home and how I'm getting there, packing all my things at the end of the semester, potentially having someone mad at me, going through airport security, getting my grades up to a high 3ish GPA for scholarship consideration, the list goes on.
I really need this semester to be over.
Like now.
I want it to be December already so I could start counting the days down to my sister's baptism. After years of fighting, she is finally getting what she has dreamed about. For a while it seemed that she would never get her baptism because my dad wouldn't let her get baptized and to get baptized, she needed parental approval from BOTH parents. So happy.
I just want to be back home. In my bed. Away from independence. I've had enough.
I need my family.
Shut Up
I've been trying to get past this problem I'm having, I've had it for too long. There would be times where I would be sorry and promise not only myself, but also God that I wouldn't do it again, but little by little the temptation comes again and I'm back to where I started. I feel so worthless sometimes, trying to promise the Lord that I will be better next time, but the littlest thing happens and BOOM, promise broken. I told myself that coming here to BYU-I would change everything. It did, but then it slowly started creeping back into my life. I wish it'd go away.
Then there's Satan always putting thoughts into my head. "How could you?" "You messed up again!" "You've asked him for forgiveness too many times, there's no hope for you." That is what I always hear. That is what I have been struggling with most of my adolescence. I remember something my YW leader once told my class one Sunday. In the repentance process, the hardest part is forgiving yourself and not letting Satan make you believe that you are not worth forgiving. That is my problem; forgiving myself. Thing is that I have been over the repentance process over and over and over again for this and I'm afraid that somehow I used up my "forgiveness cards" with God. Now that I think back, in my patriarchal blessing it does say that I will review the Atonement many times and that I should closely study it. Coincidence? No. I have been dealing with the Atonement for quite sometime and trying to figure it out further than what I already know about it. I want to be able to solve this on my own because I can't bear the thought of disappointment. If I overcome this on my own, I will be able to overcome anything Satan throws at me, including words of discouragement and feelings of worthlessness.
So Satan, shut up.
This was the last straw.
I am going to fight against you and your temptations.
Leave me alone and for once let me be happy and carefree.
Stop influencing me to disappoint.
One thing that I remember is that Satan can't make us do any anything. We have agency. I know that, but he gets in the way of my healing process by putting all these thoughts in my head. I know that my Father loves me. He has an infinite love for all of us and he is willing to lend out His hand to us when we fall.
So basically, this is a fight against first, myself and not letting these thoughts get to me as well as overcoming temptation.
And second, a fight against Satan to not let his words of discouragement keep me for completing the last step of the repentance process, forgiving myself.
Once I overcome this, I know what I have been looking for will appear before me and I will the happy teenager I once was. Happy? Maybe not, there are so many things in my life that present themselves to bring my unhappiness, but I could try.
Then there's Satan always putting thoughts into my head. "How could you?" "You messed up again!" "You've asked him for forgiveness too many times, there's no hope for you." That is what I always hear. That is what I have been struggling with most of my adolescence. I remember something my YW leader once told my class one Sunday. In the repentance process, the hardest part is forgiving yourself and not letting Satan make you believe that you are not worth forgiving. That is my problem; forgiving myself. Thing is that I have been over the repentance process over and over and over again for this and I'm afraid that somehow I used up my "forgiveness cards" with God. Now that I think back, in my patriarchal blessing it does say that I will review the Atonement many times and that I should closely study it. Coincidence? No. I have been dealing with the Atonement for quite sometime and trying to figure it out further than what I already know about it. I want to be able to solve this on my own because I can't bear the thought of disappointment. If I overcome this on my own, I will be able to overcome anything Satan throws at me, including words of discouragement and feelings of worthlessness.
So Satan, shut up.
This was the last straw.
I am going to fight against you and your temptations.
Leave me alone and for once let me be happy and carefree.
Stop influencing me to disappoint.
One thing that I remember is that Satan can't make us do any anything. We have agency. I know that, but he gets in the way of my healing process by putting all these thoughts in my head. I know that my Father loves me. He has an infinite love for all of us and he is willing to lend out His hand to us when we fall.
So basically, this is a fight against first, myself and not letting these thoughts get to me as well as overcoming temptation.
And second, a fight against Satan to not let his words of discouragement keep me for completing the last step of the repentance process, forgiving myself.
Once I overcome this, I know what I have been looking for will appear before me and I will the happy teenager I once was. Happy? Maybe not, there are so many things in my life that present themselves to bring my unhappiness, but I could try.
Luis Fonsi
I am seriously in love with spanish music.
It has got to be the most romantic music out there.
Every song I listen to relates to my life, whatever may be going on in it.
Every song goes with an emotion I have at the moment.
Like right now.
I'm homesick.
I just want to go home.
College is fun and all and I'm really grateful for everyone in my life, but I just need a hug from my mom.
I need to see my kids.
My 4 legged kids.
And my brah, Adrian.
And sister.
And mommy.
And even my dad.
I seriously am in love with him.
Luis Fonsi is mah man.
hahahahahaha, yesterday I was joking to one of my friends that I needed to marry someone with an amazing voice like Luis Fonsi.
Basically a hispanic guy?
haha, kinda funny considering I really am not up for the idea of marrying or even dating in my race, but we'll see.
But I feel horrible. I feel like such a heartbreaker.
That's all I've done since I turned 16.
But I know we will find that happiness that all of us search for.
That one person that causes that burst in our hearts, that causes us to forget to breathe, that brings butterflies every time the thought of them pops up in your mind.
It's just a matter of "testing" out with different people and seeing if they cause these feelings on you.
Eventually everything will fall into place and we must be patient, the Lord knows when you are to find your significant other.
We just need to cam down, there is so much life ahead of us for love.
Just cherish what we have.
The time will come.
It has got to be the most romantic music out there.
Every song I listen to relates to my life, whatever may be going on in it.
Every song goes with an emotion I have at the moment.
Like right now.
I'm homesick.
I just want to go home.
College is fun and all and I'm really grateful for everyone in my life, but I just need a hug from my mom.
I need to see my kids.
My 4 legged kids.
And my brah, Adrian.
And sister.
And mommy.
And even my dad.
I seriously am in love with him.
Luis Fonsi is mah man.
hahahahahaha, yesterday I was joking to one of my friends that I needed to marry someone with an amazing voice like Luis Fonsi.
Basically a hispanic guy?
haha, kinda funny considering I really am not up for the idea of marrying or even dating in my race, but we'll see.
But I feel horrible. I feel like such a heartbreaker.
That's all I've done since I turned 16.
But I know we will find that happiness that all of us search for.
That one person that causes that burst in our hearts, that causes us to forget to breathe, that brings butterflies every time the thought of them pops up in your mind.
It's just a matter of "testing" out with different people and seeing if they cause these feelings on you.
Eventually everything will fall into place and we must be patient, the Lord knows when you are to find your significant other.
We just need to cam down, there is so much life ahead of us for love.
Just cherish what we have.
The time will come.
It's ok
This week has been crazy. Full of the usual workloads of homework, drama, and lots and lots of thinking.
To put it out there, after loads and loads of beating myself about it, and stressing, and most importantly praying-- I broke it off with Cainan.
NOW, don't think I'm super depressed about it or anything. In the end, we decided to stay friends and we're cool about it it and I'm happy about that. I need more guy friends in my life.
It's kinda funny/weird that my best friends (who are guys) are my exes.
But whatever, friends are friends right?
And friends are cool.
I'm a freshmen, I want to enjoy dating around and living the single life.
I need to "find" myself and figure out what I want in a guy.
I'm an emotional wreck, I need to figure out what to do with myself so I stop acting on impulse and then realizing that it was the wrong thing to do, to move so fast.
I have hope and faith that I will figure this out. That I will know what I want to do with my life and who I want to be in it with me.
My patriarchal blessing promises me what I want.
A family. And that's what I'm trying to figure out. How am I going to achieve this goal and what steps to I need to take?
To put it out there, after loads and loads of beating myself about it, and stressing, and most importantly praying-- I broke it off with Cainan.
NOW, don't think I'm super depressed about it or anything. In the end, we decided to stay friends and we're cool about it it and I'm happy about that. I need more guy friends in my life.
It's kinda funny/weird that my best friends (who are guys) are my exes.
But whatever, friends are friends right?
And friends are cool.
I'm a freshmen, I want to enjoy dating around and living the single life.
I need to "find" myself and figure out what I want in a guy.
I'm an emotional wreck, I need to figure out what to do with myself so I stop acting on impulse and then realizing that it was the wrong thing to do, to move so fast.
I have hope and faith that I will figure this out. That I will know what I want to do with my life and who I want to be in it with me.
My patriarchal blessing promises me what I want.
A family. And that's what I'm trying to figure out. How am I going to achieve this goal and what steps to I need to take?
The Notebook
"Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?"
I don't know.
I really don't, but I hope I do...soon.
or eventually.
Who would have thought that watching this movie would make me reflect so much?
But it's true.
I have to do what I want.
It's my life and my happiness is in my hands.
What do I want?
Sometimes trusting in God is hard. His answer to your prayers might not be the one you are ready to do because it could potentially end up hurting those you love, but you gotta do what the Lord says. He knows you better than you know yourself, He knows what’s good for you even though you might think that He could be wrong, but He’s not. He’s always right.
HA.
So I wore a gray shiny dress all day today, I feel so fancy.
ha.
ha.
ha.
I'm in the best mood right now, like seriously. I finished a paper which in my opinion is pretty darn good despite the fact that I spent only today working on it, I'm listening to some amazing 80s music, I finished most of my homework (I still have a stupid draft to do for english, ew), and I just feel sooooo lucky and blessed to have such an amazing boyfriend. We went to the movies last night, took a walk in the school gardens, and then just talked. It was nice reminiscing on old tv shows we grew up with and finding many other things we have in common. Talking to him makes time just stop. I don't know if that makes sense, ehhh. Like, everything around me is gone and its just us. (:
We both talked about this last night, about how we never expected us to be together.
I mean, we "met" through facebook via that freshmen group. And now, it's like, WHOA, I can't believe a simple action like adding you as a friend on facebook would change my life and make it so amazing right now.
hahahaha, meeting through facebook.
That's quite a story.
And what makes it more cool is that I actually got what I wanted.
Since the beginning when I starting to "talk" to him, I was like, "he's mine"
and now he is.
That's a first.
I usually never get what I want.
It's so much fun confusing him and making up stories me actually believes.
He's so cute when he looks confused.
And I love looking at him.
it's so mesmerizing.
I get lost and just forget everything and it's just him.
And he says yeah a lot.
And nah.
I love it.
I need to get to bed.
But I don't want to.
All this 80's music is too good.
Like seriously, too good.
Ahhhhhhh!
I might be obsessed with the 80's again.
Not that I mind(:
ha.
ha.
ha.
I'm in the best mood right now, like seriously. I finished a paper which in my opinion is pretty darn good despite the fact that I spent only today working on it, I'm listening to some amazing 80s music, I finished most of my homework (I still have a stupid draft to do for english, ew), and I just feel sooooo lucky and blessed to have such an amazing boyfriend. We went to the movies last night, took a walk in the school gardens, and then just talked. It was nice reminiscing on old tv shows we grew up with and finding many other things we have in common. Talking to him makes time just stop. I don't know if that makes sense, ehhh. Like, everything around me is gone and its just us. (:
We both talked about this last night, about how we never expected us to be together.
I mean, we "met" through facebook via that freshmen group. And now, it's like, WHOA, I can't believe a simple action like adding you as a friend on facebook would change my life and make it so amazing right now.
hahahaha, meeting through facebook.
That's quite a story.
And what makes it more cool is that I actually got what I wanted.
Since the beginning when I starting to "talk" to him, I was like, "he's mine"
and now he is.
That's a first.
I usually never get what I want.
It's so much fun confusing him and making up stories me actually believes.
He's so cute when he looks confused.
And I love looking at him.
it's so mesmerizing.
I get lost and just forget everything and it's just him.
And he says yeah a lot.
And nah.
I love it.
I need to get to bed.
But I don't want to.
All this 80's music is too good.
Like seriously, too good.
Ahhhhhhh!
I might be obsessed with the 80's again.
Not that I mind(:
WHOA
The best part of working out?
Doing it in my sports bra in the comfort of my dorm room!
Who needs the gym when I have Insanity!?
PLUS, I'm in such a great mood!
WHOA INDEED.
Doing it in my sports bra in the comfort of my dorm room!
Who needs the gym when I have Insanity!?
PLUS, I'm in such a great mood!
WHOA INDEED.
Oreos, promptings, lots of thinking, homesickness
First off, I need to stop eating unhealthy. Oreos and a banana colada for lunch is not good.
Doing all this Insanity is useless if I keep on eating like a guy.
Last night I had an XXL chulupa from Taco Bell.
Uhhhh, super healthy right?
On a brighter note, I had a pretty cool experience this morning.
I went to bed pretty late last night. Not a good idea considering me having class early in the morning. I was so tempted to skip my child development class and sleep in. I had all these thoughts in my head telling me that I could still catch up even with the class since the teacher puts the lesson on I learn. I agreed with myself to skip and cozied up in my covers and my teddy bear. "Screw this, I need to sleep". AS soon as I said these words, the song "Choose The Right" came to mind. I immediately got up, like it was an automatic response to the song. Then I went to my 7:45 class, not tired at all and actually feeling pretty good compared to last night; where I felt like dying (sort of).
I spent like practically all of English class today thinking about things and how they're going.
It made me wish to be little again and carefree about life and not worrying about things.
But this is college, I seriously gotta grow up.
And it starts with letting it happen. In time, my feelings will change and I won't have to constantly worry about whether or not I'm making the right choices.
Sometimes I ask myself why Heavenly Father takes forever to answer prayers. Maybe he wants me to figure this out on my own THEN he'll tell me? I really gotta learn to trust in myself and the decisions I make. All this doubting, like my mom said, is probably Satan's way of trying to pull me away from something that will be life changing.
I really want that answer to my prayer. I will know it was answered when my heart bursts of emotion. Then it'll be ok, I'll be ok.
All that thinking led to me missing home.
Where my mom was there to talk to. I mean the phone is alright and all, but I really do miss a good cry in my mom's arms. I miss talking to her about everything on my mind. I miss her jokes, I miss her hugs, I miss her constantly telling me how much of a messy person I am.
I miss my sister.
I miss my brother.
I miss my children.
I really feel like a depressed person today.
I need a good cry.
I really do.
Right after my workout.
Doing all this Insanity is useless if I keep on eating like a guy.
Last night I had an XXL chulupa from Taco Bell.
Uhhhh, super healthy right?
On a brighter note, I had a pretty cool experience this morning.
I went to bed pretty late last night. Not a good idea considering me having class early in the morning. I was so tempted to skip my child development class and sleep in. I had all these thoughts in my head telling me that I could still catch up even with the class since the teacher puts the lesson on I learn. I agreed with myself to skip and cozied up in my covers and my teddy bear. "Screw this, I need to sleep". AS soon as I said these words, the song "Choose The Right" came to mind. I immediately got up, like it was an automatic response to the song. Then I went to my 7:45 class, not tired at all and actually feeling pretty good compared to last night; where I felt like dying (sort of).
I spent like practically all of English class today thinking about things and how they're going.
It made me wish to be little again and carefree about life and not worrying about things.
But this is college, I seriously gotta grow up.
And it starts with letting it happen. In time, my feelings will change and I won't have to constantly worry about whether or not I'm making the right choices.
Sometimes I ask myself why Heavenly Father takes forever to answer prayers. Maybe he wants me to figure this out on my own THEN he'll tell me? I really gotta learn to trust in myself and the decisions I make. All this doubting, like my mom said, is probably Satan's way of trying to pull me away from something that will be life changing.
I really want that answer to my prayer. I will know it was answered when my heart bursts of emotion. Then it'll be ok, I'll be ok.
All that thinking led to me missing home.
Where my mom was there to talk to. I mean the phone is alright and all, but I really do miss a good cry in my mom's arms. I miss talking to her about everything on my mind. I miss her jokes, I miss her hugs, I miss her constantly telling me how much of a messy person I am.
I miss my sister.
I miss my brother.
I miss my children.
I really feel like a depressed person today.
I need a good cry.
I really do.
Right after my workout.
Insanity
So I decided yesterday that I wanted to start Insanity again. No, not the literal term insanity, but the workout.
That pretty much sums it all up. I've done Insanity like 2 times before and got SO close to actually finishing it the 2nd time, but I guess I just got too busy and forgot about it. BUT NOT THIS TIME. I am committed like 100%.
Today, I did day two. 2 workouts down, 58 to go.
This is pretty much my life for the next 58 days left of this program.
ANYWAY, for some reason, I was pretty bummed out today. Then my mommy called me as if she knew something was up. She is seriously the best and I can't wait till I see her again.
Seriously, I'm so bipolar about this whole "end of the semester, not seeing my fall/winter friends and boyfriend" situation.
And yes, I do have a boyfriend. Who I know
will be reading this eventually because he's cool like that; reading my blog.
UGH. I'm all sweaty and gross and I need to shower. But my roommate's in the shower. For like the past half an hour. Seriously, who showers that long? I don't even shower that long. 15 minutes max, but half and hour? And I'm leaving in like half an hour on a "date" with my roommate Liz to go see Rise of the Planet of the Apes which I'm pretty pumped about. And we also need to get toilet paper, we're like out of it.
"INSANITY Workout is a 60-day cardio-based total-body conditioning program that’s perhaps the most intense workout ever put on DVD. Fitness expert Shaun T drew on his collegiate track and field training plus his subsequent years of experience as an elite trainer to create a program that takes total-body conditioning to an extreme level."
That pretty much sums it all up. I've done Insanity like 2 times before and got SO close to actually finishing it the 2nd time, but I guess I just got too busy and forgot about it. BUT NOT THIS TIME. I am committed like 100%.
Today, I did day two. 2 workouts down, 58 to go.
This is pretty much my life for the next 58 days left of this program.
I actually deleted the fit test workout because...well...I just did. It wasn't really a workout, it was annoying keeping track of how many jump squats, power jumps, blah blah blah, I can do. So let's just say I'm on day 3 since I've done plyo and cardio resistance.
ANYWAY, for some reason, I was pretty bummed out today. Then my mommy called me as if she knew something was up. She is seriously the best and I can't wait till I see her again.
Seriously, I'm so bipolar about this whole "end of the semester, not seeing my fall/winter friends and boyfriend" situation.
And yes, I do have a boyfriend. Who I know
will be reading this eventually because he's cool like that; reading my blog.
UGH. I'm all sweaty and gross and I need to shower. But my roommate's in the shower. For like the past half an hour. Seriously, who showers that long? I don't even shower that long. 15 minutes max, but half and hour? And I'm leaving in like half an hour on a "date" with my roommate Liz to go see Rise of the Planet of the Apes which I'm pretty pumped about. And we also need to get toilet paper, we're like out of it.
Bulletproof Hearts
These past few days have involved a lot of pondering. I've been trying to figure out if the decision I was making about letting my heart open up again was the right one. In my past relationships, I've been hurt and stepped on all over the place and what I still blame myself for is letting them and not doing anything about it. I've was never myself when I was with them and I let them change me. With this guy, who by the way is totally amazing, I can actually be myself and I don't have to change myself to be with him. I caught him looking at me yesterday as we watched a movie and just that small moment made me realize that I should give this a chance. There was just something about the way he looked at me that in a way enlightened me and gave me that confirmation.
I believe that the Lord places certain people in our paths to help us through hard times, to keep us from swimming in our own sorrow. That's how I feel right now. Ever since I've met this guy, I haven't been depressing myself over the situation back at home. Every day I wake up with the thought, "Will I see him today?", and that instantly puts me in a brighter mood and I don't have to wake up thinking if my dad was drunk last night and caused a scene. With him in my life now, I hope that I can finally have that piece of happiness I've been missing; that feeling of caring for someone and having them care for you back.
My dad is pissed at me for not calling him. I texted him last week telling him that I loved him and that he should feel free to call me anytime. He responded that he missed me too, too much and that he needs me. He wrote that I should never forget that he loves me and that he will always be my dad. Sometimes, I just want to cry. Why is my dad the way he is? Why does he cause me so much pain? One day he can be sweet and pretty chill, but other times he is crazy, dangerous, and scary. I remember that one time that he threw something at me. I was making breakfast with Adrian and he just woke up drunk. He decided to "watch" us. He brought a chair and sat himself in front of the kitchen. We started to joke around, Adrian and I, and he thought we were making fun of him. We had our french toast and hot cocoa all set and all of a sudden, he picked one of my hand weights and threw it. It hit my plate and my cup. The hot, piercing , hot cocoa hit my legs. The pain wasn't that bad, but I cried. Not only because he threw it at me, but because I had enough. I had enough of living a life in fear. I had enough of enduring his words, his cruelty, his humiliation. I had enough of him telling me that I was not going anywhere in life, that he didn't expect anything good from me. Well, I proved him wrong. I'm in college and I plan to do something he denied- graduating and becoming someone in life. Despite his way of being, I still love my dad. It's not my job to judge his actions, that's the Lord's job. .
“Cherish all the experiences in life-those that bring sadness and sorrow and discouragement as well as those that bring joy and happiness. It will be through your personal relationship with the Savior that you will be supported and sustained during your times of greatest need.” (from patriarchal blessing)
This was my answer, the answer to why I had gone through the humiliation, the hurt, and the disappointment. Getting my patriarchal blessing changed my life. It shaped me into who I am today. Even though I got it at only sixteen and not a lot of time has passed from the time I got it to now at eighteen, I feel completely different. I am cautious when I am faced with making a choice because I want the promises that are promised to me in my blessing. I am not perfect; I have made mistakes, I have messed up, and I have gotten on the path again. Getting my blessing has allowed me to see a whole new side to the significance of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Knowing that if I'm obedient to his commandments makes me want to not disappoint him and endure all the trials he puts in front of my path. Because of the words said in my blessing, I now understand the reasons why, I have had my question answered to why I have suffered so much. All these trials that He has put in my path have not only made me stronger, but they have also humbled me. I have realized that with every trial comes a blessing, usually a blessing I failed to recognize at the time. These blessings are either small ones like getting a good grade on a test for example or something big, like having the opportunity to attend BYU-Idaho or I don't know, maybe meeting a totally amazing guy who you know will make a difference in your life. Thanks to my blessing, I now am certain that Heavenly Father loves me. I used to always doubt that He did because he put all these trials in my life from an early age, but now I know He did it to chasten me, to test my patience, and to test my faith. “Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith. Nevertheless—whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day."
This Is The Title.
SO.
It's been a while. A long while. Here's a recap of the most exciting things that have happened so far. Read it, be mesmerized. (or not, whatever)
General Conference in Utah
I am so glad I was able to go hear the prophet and his apostles speak on Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon. Actually hearing them speak was a confirmation to me that they are faithful and true servants of the Lord and that there is a true prophet here on Earth. What made it even better was going with some pretty cool people. Elisabeth, my roommate and Cainan, my American Foundations buddy/twin (apparently we have like everything in common, pretty cool stuff!) It was awesome spending time with them, it really was. Especially Cainan. He's one interesting individual that I'm happy I got to spend time with during our waiting for the afternoon session. Hahaha, if he actually gets to read this for some reason, well, hi :)
Tests
I took like 3 tests that week after conference. One for my american foundations class, one for my child development class, and one for my science foundations class. The only one I did DECENT at was my child development test; an 84. The other two I got a 76. Bleh. I really need to step it up if I want an "A" gpa. THe thing is I can't bring myself to actually sit down and study. In some cases sure, but most of the time I get distracted VERY EASILY.
On other news
I told myself before coming to college that I wouldn't let a guy distract me. That I wouldn't become mesmerized by him. That I wouldn't let myself become attached. But alas, it has happened yet again. It's pretty cool though, it's been a while.
One thing that I do have to get out of my mind is that I'm DREADING and FEARING the end of this semester. It's October, yeah, but you know what they say. Time Flies when you're having fun. AND THAT IS SO TRUE!
Well, that's pretty much it. Nothing TOO exciting. Maybe some things...hahaha.
It's been a while. A long while. Here's a recap of the most exciting things that have happened so far. Read it, be mesmerized. (or not, whatever)
General Conference in Utah
I am so glad I was able to go hear the prophet and his apostles speak on Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon. Actually hearing them speak was a confirmation to me that they are faithful and true servants of the Lord and that there is a true prophet here on Earth. What made it even better was going with some pretty cool people. Elisabeth, my roommate and Cainan, my American Foundations buddy/twin (apparently we have like everything in common, pretty cool stuff!) It was awesome spending time with them, it really was. Especially Cainan. He's one interesting individual that I'm happy I got to spend time with during our waiting for the afternoon session. Hahaha, if he actually gets to read this for some reason, well, hi :)
Tests
I took like 3 tests that week after conference. One for my american foundations class, one for my child development class, and one for my science foundations class. The only one I did DECENT at was my child development test; an 84. The other two I got a 76. Bleh. I really need to step it up if I want an "A" gpa. THe thing is I can't bring myself to actually sit down and study. In some cases sure, but most of the time I get distracted VERY EASILY.
On other news
I told myself before coming to college that I wouldn't let a guy distract me. That I wouldn't become mesmerized by him. That I wouldn't let myself become attached. But alas, it has happened yet again. It's pretty cool though, it's been a while.
One thing that I do have to get out of my mind is that I'm DREADING and FEARING the end of this semester. It's October, yeah, but you know what they say. Time Flies when you're having fun. AND THAT IS SO TRUE!
Well, that's pretty much it. Nothing TOO exciting. Maybe some things...hahaha.
3 weeks already?
So apparently I've been here for 3 weeks already. CAARRRRRRAZZY! Every time I walk around campus or on my way to class, I always am astonished by the fact that I'M a college student walking around a college campus. ME, little ol' me. It is a wonderful feeling.
Speaking of wonderful feelings, I LOVE the spirit here, "the spirit of Ricks" is definitely true. I feel it when I pray before class, when I sing hymns, when I walk around campus, and most importantly when I'm with my roommates. They are amazing women. Really. They're pretty crazy, but that's what I love about them. (Hi Liz, I see you!) Annka is like my mom away from home. She's sassy, she's very smart, she makes sure I'm doing my homework...just like my mommy at home. Breanna is like my sister. She makes the cutest faces and comments, even if half of them are about Harry Potter. Now to get to the good stuff. My roommate Liz. Where do I begin? She is like WHOA. She's so nice and friendly. She has this amazing sense of humor that she fails to recognize. Basically she's like my brother. Always there for a good laugh. We make fun of each other, we give each other mean looks; seriously she is SO much like my brother. Then there's our unofficial roommate Stephanie. She is soooooo funny. And I love her music tastes. She is the reason I am addicted to Gavin DeGraw. Plus she makes good tacos:) Spending time with them makes me feel so tingly inside, like I'm at home, like here RIGHT NOW is where I'm supposed to be.
On Saturday we all went to the Relief Society Conference. It was amazing. The first two talks were good, BUT Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk was MINDBLOWING. He basically talked about what's in my patriarchal blessing; that Heveanly Father loves me and that I should never forget that. That I should cherish all the things in life, both the good and the bad. That the Lord has never forgotten me and I should never feel like he has. His words brought the spirit so strongly that my eyes were overflowing with tears. I was a very powerful experience for me. I knew at that moment that the Lord has send these men to preach his word. Through the them; missionaries, bishops, stake presidents, apostles, prophets-- we can know the things the Lord wants us to know. I really needed that message at the time. I'm so glad I went, it was a great reassurance to me that He lives and that this Gospel is the true one on earth in these last days.
Guess where I'm going Friday? GENERAL CONFERENCE BABY! So excited! Like, that's all I think about lately. I can't wait to feel the prophet's presence, to feel the spirit when I hear all the wonderful talks. And best of all, I'm going to be hearing these wonderful talks with people I really care about.
I feel so blessed to be attending this university. I'm glad I had the courage to come here and I hope that my courage is an example to my dad that I love the Gospel and that I'm willing to sacrifice anything for the opportunity to build up my testimony and improve myself spiritually.
======================================================
If you're reading this Adrian, I want to say that I love you. SO MUCH. I'm so proud of you. You have so much courage and determination to be obedient to God's commandments. We both have been through a lot, but always remember that we should cherish ALL the things in life. Trials we face only strengthen us. Remember to be an example to your friends, to Stephanie, to mommy, and most importantly to our dad. I know that he has done SO MANY things that don't deserve to be forgiven, but remember that he is our dad. Like mommy says, no matter what he does, we should always respect him. I know that its going to be hard forgiving him, but just remember that the Lord forgives us for our sins. No matter what they are. Why shouldn't we forgive others if He forgives us for things we do? Remember that it isn't in our place to judge others.
I learned to forgive dad Adrian. He is just a tortured soul who needs to find the light. We need to be examples to him and show him that we aren't like everyone else, that we DO care and that we are capable of forgiveness. Show him that you still care, even though I know you don't. Just try to not hold anymore resentment against him. Forgive him.
I miss all you guys so much and I think about you everyday. I miss our late night talks, I miss our made up stories, I miss your hugs. I miss you most of all Adrian. I'm so proud of you. I can't wait till you go on a mission and share with the world your testimony.
Confessions of a college student
I guess I survived my first week in college without dying. It has been pretty busy. I have like no social life. Unless you count talking with people in class, my roommates, and going to the gym with Alida. That's pretty much it. Why? Homework has pretty much taken over my life. I finish one assignment, but nooooooo there's more to do! I have no idea how some people do it. There's a party tomorrow night, I guess I'll go.
At first I wasn't feeling that homesick when the week started. I didn't even cry (that much) when my mom left me here in Mormonland. Now that I'm doing all this homework, I think about those times that I would pass the time with my brother talking and not really doing any homework. He'd ask me to help him with something, I'd respond with a reaction of cluelessness about what he was talking about then we'd fight and by the end of the day we'd be best friends again. I miss him oh so much. I miss our late night conversations and made up stories about our pets. I miss his sense of humor most of all. And his voice. I miss everything about him. Basically I miss home.
Why am I getting so emotional now? I can actually feel the tears forming. I was fine before, why the homesickness all of a sudden? ehhhhhh.
I thought about it yesterday. I'll be back home in December, but I'll want to be here. The homesickness will never end will it? Most of my friends here are fall/winter track and I really can't bear the idea of not being here with them winter semester. I just hope everything falls into place and I stop feeling so depressed. Not depressed, but mixed up emotions I guess you can call it. Prayer is basically the only thing that can lift my spirits. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to speak to the Lord. Where ever I go, he follows me, always willing to hear me out, not matter how silly or pointless what I tell him maybe. <3
I should get back to this whole homework thing.
BYU-I is amazing though! (minus all the depressing stuff I mentioned above.)
At first I wasn't feeling that homesick when the week started. I didn't even cry (that much) when my mom left me here in Mormonland. Now that I'm doing all this homework, I think about those times that I would pass the time with my brother talking and not really doing any homework. He'd ask me to help him with something, I'd respond with a reaction of cluelessness about what he was talking about then we'd fight and by the end of the day we'd be best friends again. I miss him oh so much. I miss our late night conversations and made up stories about our pets. I miss his sense of humor most of all. And his voice. I miss everything about him. Basically I miss home.
Why am I getting so emotional now? I can actually feel the tears forming. I was fine before, why the homesickness all of a sudden? ehhhhhh.
I thought about it yesterday. I'll be back home in December, but I'll want to be here. The homesickness will never end will it? Most of my friends here are fall/winter track and I really can't bear the idea of not being here with them winter semester. I just hope everything falls into place and I stop feeling so depressed. Not depressed, but mixed up emotions I guess you can call it. Prayer is basically the only thing that can lift my spirits. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to speak to the Lord. Where ever I go, he follows me, always willing to hear me out, not matter how silly or pointless what I tell him maybe. <3
I should get back to this whole homework thing.
BYU-I is amazing though! (minus all the depressing stuff I mentioned above.)
It's already August?
August is here. Summer is almost gone, I can feel it slipping through my fingers like jelly. I haven't done what I wanted to. Reread all the Harry Potter books, go to the pool everyday, hangout with my buddies. In terms of HP, I'm only up to book 2; The Chamber of Secrets. I've been to the pool like two times this whole summer, and I've only hung out with my best buddy Tiff. At least it's something right? PLUS I've been to the beach too :P
The biggest event that has been occurring is POTTERMORE. To sum it all up it's like an interactive experience where I'll be able to go to Hogwarts. LEGIT STUFF. I signed up on day 3 and apparently today emails are SUPPOSED TO BE SENT. Apparently no one has gotten anything yet. Or maybe some have but have sworn to secrecy? Who knows, BUT I CAN'T WAIT! One thing that Pottermore has taught me these past few days, is to be patient. So the excitement for college has died down a bit. Yup, it has gone down. It's so close and WOW, it's coming up way too fast. ERP. (Note that all this is for those that signed up and registered for early access to the site. Everyone else that isn't registered yet will have the chance to in October when the site is open for everyone BUT because I signed up early, I get in early along with other fellow Potterheads.)
Last night I got my YW's medallion. It really wasn't that big of a deal as I thought it would be. Maybe because I scrambled to finish Personal Progress? It was still pretty special :)
I won't be writing as frequent. Well I didn't really in the first place anyway hehehehe :P
I might post something here and there, but don't expect a play by play of every single thing going on in my life.
I'll try my best to though! I will guarantee that I will write a whole bunch at college :D
A little something something to include that I want to get off my chest: I think I'm falling for someone that I haven't even meet personally yet. I feel like I've known him forever and I've never experienced that before.
Crazy.
The biggest event that has been occurring is POTTERMORE. To sum it all up it's like an interactive experience where I'll be able to go to Hogwarts. LEGIT STUFF. I signed up on day 3 and apparently today emails are SUPPOSED TO BE SENT. Apparently no one has gotten anything yet. Or maybe some have but have sworn to secrecy? Who knows, BUT I CAN'T WAIT! One thing that Pottermore has taught me these past few days, is to be patient. So the excitement for college has died down a bit. Yup, it has gone down. It's so close and WOW, it's coming up way too fast. ERP. (Note that all this is for those that signed up and registered for early access to the site. Everyone else that isn't registered yet will have the chance to in October when the site is open for everyone BUT because I signed up early, I get in early along with other fellow Potterheads.)
Last night I got my YW's medallion. It really wasn't that big of a deal as I thought it would be. Maybe because I scrambled to finish Personal Progress? It was still pretty special :)
I won't be writing as frequent. Well I didn't really in the first place anyway hehehehe :P
I might post something here and there, but don't expect a play by play of every single thing going on in my life.
I'll try my best to though! I will guarantee that I will write a whole bunch at college :D
A little something something to include that I want to get off my chest: I think I'm falling for someone that I haven't even meet personally yet. I feel like I've known him forever and I've never experienced that before.
Crazy.
July 31st
My love for Harry Potter burns with the intensity of one thousand suns. My childhood would be nothing without the series. Random thought. Moving on.
I've been so lazy lately. I haven't had the motivation to write here. The evil voice in the head goes, "who cares about what you write?" I wish that voice would leave. Even if no one ends up reading what I write, this is for me to look back on. Writing here is like working out. You don't want to because it "wastes" your time and frankly some days you don't want to do anything. BUT once you get writing/working out...IT'S LIKE BAM! You realize that you did good in choosing to do it.
Ugh, that reminds me. I start phase two of my workout regimen tomorrow. Insanity is split in two phases. The first phase is hard, but once you get used to it it's not that bad but sometimes it does get repetitive and you may tend to get bored. Phase 1 workouts are usually 45 minutes long- except for Pure Cardio and Cardio Abs; that's almost an hour. Phase 2 workouts are an hour long. A full hour of sweating and pushing my limits. Oh boy.
So today at church I was asked to translate a spanish speaking sister's talk. I was sitting in my pew all ready for sacrament meeting to start then a member of the bishopric asks me to do this. At first I was very unsure. I don't have THAT much experience. But I sucked it up and did it. It was nice getting compliments for my translation skills. :)
I'm hungry.
32 days till the Panic At The Disco concert! <3
I've been so lazy lately. I haven't had the motivation to write here. The evil voice in the head goes, "who cares about what you write?" I wish that voice would leave. Even if no one ends up reading what I write, this is for me to look back on. Writing here is like working out. You don't want to because it "wastes" your time and frankly some days you don't want to do anything. BUT once you get writing/working out...IT'S LIKE BAM! You realize that you did good in choosing to do it.
Ugh, that reminds me. I start phase two of my workout regimen tomorrow. Insanity is split in two phases. The first phase is hard, but once you get used to it it's not that bad but sometimes it does get repetitive and you may tend to get bored. Phase 1 workouts are usually 45 minutes long- except for Pure Cardio and Cardio Abs; that's almost an hour. Phase 2 workouts are an hour long. A full hour of sweating and pushing my limits. Oh boy.
So today at church I was asked to translate a spanish speaking sister's talk. I was sitting in my pew all ready for sacrament meeting to start then a member of the bishopric asks me to do this. At first I was very unsure. I don't have THAT much experience. But I sucked it up and did it. It was nice getting compliments for my translation skills. :)
I'm hungry.
32 days till the Panic At The Disco concert! <3
Heat
This week I've had no motivation for my usual routine. It's too hot to do anything.
BLARG.
bye for now.
BLARG.
bye for now.
It's been a while...
It has been a while since I posted something here. Not a long while, but a while. So what's been going on? Well, I've spend the last 6 days catching up on harry potter related things. I've re watched all the movies and everything for the release of the final chapter of this Friday. Sadly, I am not up to attend the midnight showing cause by midnight, I am a sleeping log. Besides, it's going to be soooo hectic with HP fans and crazed fans being there, so I am going on Saturday instead.
I've been feeling icky lately, I don't know why really. Actually, I kinda do.
I feel like this summer is boring for me. I feel like I am wasting it. This is my daily schedule.
-wake up
-workout
-shower
-eat breakfast
-watch tv
-listen to music
-go to bed
-rinse and repeat
It's not like this everyday, sometimes I'll go to the pool, I'll read, I'll facebook stalk...but it's getting overbearingly dull. All of this. ugh.
Yet again I will state how much I can't wait for college.
But then again, that excitement is wearing out. I am actually starting to fear that day, the day when I leave my family for 3 1/2 months. It's a big step I am taking and sometimes I am not so sure I can do it. This is going by so fast, this stage in my life. It seems like just yesterday I was entering high school as a freshmen, worrying about high school bullies and if they really did exist in my school. I worried about how I would be able to deal with homework, with teachers. I dreamed about prom, about graduation. I dreamed about that one special guy that I would devote myself to. I didn't expect my first heartbreak. So many of these events have come and gone; all of them and now, it just hit me as I am sitting down typing this. Life is way too short. It goes by way too fast.
I've been feeling icky lately, I don't know why really. Actually, I kinda do.
I feel like this summer is boring for me. I feel like I am wasting it. This is my daily schedule.
-wake up
-workout
-shower
-eat breakfast
-watch tv
-listen to music
-go to bed
-rinse and repeat
It's not like this everyday, sometimes I'll go to the pool, I'll read, I'll facebook stalk...but it's getting overbearingly dull. All of this. ugh.
Yet again I will state how much I can't wait for college.
But then again, that excitement is wearing out. I am actually starting to fear that day, the day when I leave my family for 3 1/2 months. It's a big step I am taking and sometimes I am not so sure I can do it. This is going by so fast, this stage in my life. It seems like just yesterday I was entering high school as a freshmen, worrying about high school bullies and if they really did exist in my school. I worried about how I would be able to deal with homework, with teachers. I dreamed about prom, about graduation. I dreamed about that one special guy that I would devote myself to. I didn't expect my first heartbreak. So many of these events have come and gone; all of them and now, it just hit me as I am sitting down typing this. Life is way too short. It goes by way too fast.
Hopefully I will be able to adapt to this change, but there are so many things I am worried about. Will my roommates tolerate me? Will I be accepted by my peers the way I really am? Will I be the same person I was in high school? I ask for strength to face my fears. To have the strength to tell my peers who I really am.
All these years I have felt out of place and living a double life. No one outside of my family and my closest friends really know who I am.
Very few know what it's like to be like me.
Excuse my not so cheerful post.
But then again, even the happiest of people are down sometimes.
Excuse my not so cheerful post.
But then again, even the happiest of people are down sometimes.
A Hopeless Romantic
Blah
Not really in the mood to do anything. I'm super pissed off, VERY.
Seriously, she should have told me sooner and now she expects me to just drop everything I'm doing to do that. Boy, I really need to go to college to avoid these types of situations. And then yesterday, I really don't understand why. After all that has happened, NO. This is not good AT ALL. The same cycle will repeat again and tears and anger will fly everywhere and I'll have to clean them up the best I can. I told you so, but you NEVER listen to what I tell you.
Seriously, she should have told me sooner and now she expects me to just drop everything I'm doing to do that. Boy, I really need to go to college to avoid these types of situations. And then yesterday, I really don't understand why. After all that has happened, NO. This is not good AT ALL. The same cycle will repeat again and tears and anger will fly everywhere and I'll have to clean them up the best I can. I told you so, but you NEVER listen to what I tell you.
Fourth of July
Happy 4th of July everyone! I'm not American, but I am so thankful for living in a country with so much opportunity, freedom, and diversity. I'm part American considering I've been in this country so many years and have been 100% Americanized.
Right now I'm preparing to go to a family BBQ. That should be fun, it always is. Everyone is so funny, I guess that's where I got my funny genes.
Right now I'm preparing to go to a family BBQ. That should be fun, it always is. Everyone is so funny, I guess that's where I got my funny genes.
Flights, airplanes, and a cat
I don't really know what I want to write about today. Oh wait, I did (well my mom did) pay for my college tuition and health insurance. It ended up being around $2000 for the 1st semester. Not really that bad compared to other college tuition which is like $45000. I am so blessed to be attending this school where people are so dedicated with providing the youth with higher education that would allow them to strengthen their testimonies and grow closer with the Lord through the spirit that is felt there. So thanks to those that pay tithing that goes to helping lower the cost of attending BYU-Idaho!
I also looked into plane tickets. Here's a summary of my plans via FB message chain between my travel buddy Alida.
This is for the 6th of September. The plane (Jet Blue) departs JFK 08:40 PM and arrives 11:57 PM the same day. The price is $169/per person. This is for a direct flight, for us since we're not returning. For the round trip for our moms its the same time and same price. $169/person. Departs the 6th @ 08:40PM and arrives in salt lake city @11:57PM the same day. For return, the 8th of September, our moms take the shuttle back to salt lake airport and depart for JFK @ 11:30PM and arrive @5:46AM the 9th of September. Since we'll be arriving the 6th at night, we'll take the shuttle, it's a 4 hr ride so by the time we get to Idaho it'll be morning and we can go get breakfast or something. Since we'll have all of the 7th to shop, ect. My mom wants to go to the salt lake temple and if you guys are up for it, do some baptisms for the dead. So bring your temple recommendations just in case! also, doesn't your mom want to go to the temple too? Then we'll stay the night the 7th at a hotel/motel for 1 night or at my mom's friends sons house if they agree. Then we go to get connected on the 8th. Move in starts at 8am. We get settled and stuff and then meet up and go to the other activities with our moms. Then they leave to get to the shuttle and then 4 hrs later board and return to NY. Call me as soon as you finish reading this. We should buy our tickets tonight before the price rises again, so call me and we'll buy at the exact same time so we get the same flights. Actually, round trip is $359.40 total with taxes. And for direct (for us) its $179.70 with taxes.
My plans are pretty set in my mind, hopefully they happen and nothing goes wrong!
Anyway, I really have nothing else to add to this SO I'll leave you with a video of a cat and it's owner playing peek-a-boo. It's actually pretty cute! Like seriously SO cute you'll die of cuteness overload.
I also looked into plane tickets. Here's a summary of my plans via FB message chain between my travel buddy Alida.
This is for the 6th of September. The plane (Jet Blue) departs JFK 08:40 PM and arrives 11:57 PM the same day. The price is $169/per person. This is for a direct flight, for us since we're not returning. For the round trip for our moms its the same time and same price. $169/person. Departs the 6th @ 08:40PM and arrives in salt lake city @11:57PM the same day. For return, the 8th of September, our moms take the shuttle back to salt lake airport and depart for JFK @ 11:30PM and arrive @5:46AM the 9th of September. Since we'll be arriving the 6th at night, we'll take the shuttle, it's a 4 hr ride so by the time we get to Idaho it'll be morning and we can go get breakfast or something. Since we'll have all of the 7th to shop, ect. My mom wants to go to the salt lake temple and if you guys are up for it, do some baptisms for the dead. So bring your temple recommendations just in case! also, doesn't your mom want to go to the temple too? Then we'll stay the night the 7th at a hotel/motel for 1 night or at my mom's friends sons house if they agree. Then we go to get connected on the 8th. Move in starts at 8am. We get settled and stuff and then meet up and go to the other activities with our moms. Then they leave to get to the shuttle and then 4 hrs later board and return to NY. Call me as soon as you finish reading this. We should buy our tickets tonight before the price rises again, so call me and we'll buy at the exact same time so we get the same flights. Actually, round trip is $359.40 total with taxes. And for direct (for us) its $179.70 with taxes.
My plans are pretty set in my mind, hopefully they happen and nothing goes wrong!
I'm actually sort of freaked out about flying. I haven't flown since I was 6 years old.
<--- This is the plane I will most likely be flying.
<--- Apparently the airline (Jet Blue) I will be taking has this! Now I kinda feel better about flying.
<--- YES! I did research the snack options available on the plane. There's nothing worse than dying of hunger! I'm a happy camper now.
<--- Hopefully we'll be able to visit the SLC temple! I've always wanted to go.
Anyway, I really have nothing else to add to this SO I'll leave you with a video of a cat and it's owner playing peek-a-boo. It's actually pretty cute! Like seriously SO cute you'll die of cuteness overload.
"Would you marry someone that wasn't Mormon?"
I don't really feel good today. I have a headache, my back sorta kinda hurts, and I feel mad for no reason.
ANYWAY....
I went shopping with my mom and sister at TJ Maxx this afternoon. Usually girls my age hate doing such a thing because moms usually tend to be embarrassing and dragging your little 10 year old sister can be overwhelming. BUT NOT ME! I love shopping with my mom, I'm a mommy's girl I guess. I take everything my mom advices to heart. She's always right about everything. I secretly think she's magical.
As we were shopping, we saw a sale for suitcases. She turns to me and says, "let's buy these next week, for college!" I look at them and think, "How in the world am I going to fit all of my clothes in there? I also have shoes and a whole other wardrobe for church!"
Since I babysat yesterday night, I made sixty dollars. My mom told me to deposit it in my account. I already have like 930 in there, more than enough for my personal expenses my first semester. I bought a sundress, a bathing suit, and another "not so sundressy" dress. That's the thing. It is so hard shopping and buying something that is modest. While buying these items all I had in mind was, "will I be able to wear this in college?" Of course it's too cold to wear a bathing suit in Idaho, but the two dresses are modest so I'm good.
moving on...
Isn't crazy how a person's simplest action can make you smile like crazy and brighten your mood tremendously? That's what's been happening all week, actually since I met this person. It has been random smiles all over. This had me thinking about the list Sis. Perkins had us write when I was a Miamaid. A list of the qualities we want in our future spouse and just not in a boyfriend. An eternal companion, someone you would be with for all eternity.
Then yesterday, while I was hanging out with my best friend Tiffany, while watching Four Weddings on TLC- she asked me if I would ever marry someone outside my religion. Of course my first reaction was "NO WAY". I didn't scream it out or anything, so don't see me as a loud, rude, teenager ok? Good.
I mean of course I want to marry in my religion. I want a returned missionary and I want a temple wedding. I want to be with my spouse forever, just not until I die. It's the concept of all eternity that she doesn't get. It's eternity, there's really nothing else more to it. FOREVER <3.
Reading my patriarchal blessing makes me want to get married with another fellow Mormon even more. I am promised a space in the Celestial Kingdom with him. An amazing, beautiful family of my own.
THAT is what I want, a family of my own. I really don't know how to describe it. It is all I have ever wanted and I can't wait till someday I get what I always have wanted. Baby steps first right? I AM attending a school in the fall nicknamed BYU-I-DO after all! ;)
If I don't get married once I finish my 4 years at BYUI, I'm going to get my masters at BYU or some other graduate school with a Child Counseling sort of program. If I do get married, my family is my main priority then who knows, later on I can get my masters. The prophets have said that a woman's main goal should be a family of their own, but people keep telling me here and there that my education should be my main priority. At this point, my education is my main priority. It's in the Lord's hands. If He wants me to marry, sure. If not, there's still time. I don't have to get married right after college. Like I said, it's in the Lord's hands. Whatever He wants to happen, I'll be happy to do. :)
So back to my list of qualities. You ready?
Actually, I won't post all of them here. Just a few I think are very important.
1. He has to have an amazing sense of humor. Like seriously, if a guy can't make me laugh, I'll be bored. I love to laugh. I LOL all the time!
2. If the guy doesn't have patience with me and the things I do, that's a problem.
3. If he's jealous all the time, that means he has no trust in me. If a guy doesn't trust me, why should I trust him?
4. I am a hopeless romantic type so a romantic guy would be nice. Just not TOO romantic that it turns too corny. An occasional note that says something cute like "I love you" or something short, sweet, and simple is perfect!
I should stop now and not give too many things away. Who knows, my future spouse might be reading this! That'd be weird right? Like some random dude from like, I don't know, England or something. Hahahaha, I highly doubt it, but you never know!
I haven't met anyone yet that I see myself spending all eternity with. A couple crushes here and there, but that's it. Nothing serious or anything. But that's what college is for, right?
HAHA, not really, but maybe!
This is a perfect video because after all, I haven't met my future spouse yet.
I bet you're laughing or shaking your head or something to show your disapproval. I'm 18, unemployed, not yet in college, and thinking about marriage? Maybe because I have a broken family I'm so excited to have the type of family that I always wanted as a kid.
As Mormon gals, we should always be thinking about our eternal future companion. Cause when the time does come, you won't know what to look for.
Well, that's my opinion anyway. Then there's the whole deal about love at first sight.
That's a different story, but it leads to the same outcome....
Your own eternal family.
~Jess
ANYWAY....
I went shopping with my mom and sister at TJ Maxx this afternoon. Usually girls my age hate doing such a thing because moms usually tend to be embarrassing and dragging your little 10 year old sister can be overwhelming. BUT NOT ME! I love shopping with my mom, I'm a mommy's girl I guess. I take everything my mom advices to heart. She's always right about everything. I secretly think she's magical.
As we were shopping, we saw a sale for suitcases. She turns to me and says, "let's buy these next week, for college!" I look at them and think, "How in the world am I going to fit all of my clothes in there? I also have shoes and a whole other wardrobe for church!"
Since I babysat yesterday night, I made sixty dollars. My mom told me to deposit it in my account. I already have like 930 in there, more than enough for my personal expenses my first semester. I bought a sundress, a bathing suit, and another "not so sundressy" dress. That's the thing. It is so hard shopping and buying something that is modest. While buying these items all I had in mind was, "will I be able to wear this in college?" Of course it's too cold to wear a bathing suit in Idaho, but the two dresses are modest so I'm good.
moving on...
Isn't crazy how a person's simplest action can make you smile like crazy and brighten your mood tremendously? That's what's been happening all week, actually since I met this person. It has been random smiles all over. This had me thinking about the list Sis. Perkins had us write when I was a Miamaid. A list of the qualities we want in our future spouse and just not in a boyfriend. An eternal companion, someone you would be with for all eternity.
Then yesterday, while I was hanging out with my best friend Tiffany, while watching Four Weddings on TLC- she asked me if I would ever marry someone outside my religion. Of course my first reaction was "NO WAY". I didn't scream it out or anything, so don't see me as a loud, rude, teenager ok? Good.
I mean of course I want to marry in my religion. I want a returned missionary and I want a temple wedding. I want to be with my spouse forever, just not until I die. It's the concept of all eternity that she doesn't get. It's eternity, there's really nothing else more to it. FOREVER <3.
Reading my patriarchal blessing makes me want to get married with another fellow Mormon even more. I am promised a space in the Celestial Kingdom with him. An amazing, beautiful family of my own.
THAT is what I want, a family of my own. I really don't know how to describe it. It is all I have ever wanted and I can't wait till someday I get what I always have wanted. Baby steps first right? I AM attending a school in the fall nicknamed BYU-I-DO after all! ;)
If I don't get married once I finish my 4 years at BYUI, I'm going to get my masters at BYU or some other graduate school with a Child Counseling sort of program. If I do get married, my family is my main priority then who knows, later on I can get my masters. The prophets have said that a woman's main goal should be a family of their own, but people keep telling me here and there that my education should be my main priority. At this point, my education is my main priority. It's in the Lord's hands. If He wants me to marry, sure. If not, there's still time. I don't have to get married right after college. Like I said, it's in the Lord's hands. Whatever He wants to happen, I'll be happy to do. :)
So back to my list of qualities. You ready?
Actually, I won't post all of them here. Just a few I think are very important.
1. He has to have an amazing sense of humor. Like seriously, if a guy can't make me laugh, I'll be bored. I love to laugh. I LOL all the time!
2. If the guy doesn't have patience with me and the things I do, that's a problem.
3. If he's jealous all the time, that means he has no trust in me. If a guy doesn't trust me, why should I trust him?
4. I am a hopeless romantic type so a romantic guy would be nice. Just not TOO romantic that it turns too corny. An occasional note that says something cute like "I love you" or something short, sweet, and simple is perfect!
I should stop now and not give too many things away. Who knows, my future spouse might be reading this! That'd be weird right? Like some random dude from like, I don't know, England or something. Hahahaha, I highly doubt it, but you never know!
I haven't met anyone yet that I see myself spending all eternity with. A couple crushes here and there, but that's it. Nothing serious or anything. But that's what college is for, right?
HAHA, not really, but maybe!
This is a perfect video because after all, I haven't met my future spouse yet.
I bet you're laughing or shaking your head or something to show your disapproval. I'm 18, unemployed, not yet in college, and thinking about marriage? Maybe because I have a broken family I'm so excited to have the type of family that I always wanted as a kid.
As Mormon gals, we should always be thinking about our eternal future companion. Cause when the time does come, you won't know what to look for.
Well, that's my opinion anyway. Then there's the whole deal about love at first sight.
That's a different story, but it leads to the same outcome....
Your own eternal family.
Gordon B. Hinckley, one of my favorite prophets once said a quote I will leave you with to ponder about and to realize I am really not crazy for thinking about marriage.
"Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you the freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy."
~Jess
Bunny,bunny,bunny
What!?
In 8th grade my english teacher told everyone that saying this phrase, "bunny,bunny,bunny" gives you good luck for the entire month. You say it at the start of every month! Don't believe in that sort of thing? Are you the kind of person that believes in hard earned luck and making your own luck in this world? Well, do this anyway. For the fun of it at least.
So today was pretty weird. I was photographed by The Journal News. Now, it really wasn't that big of a deal as I thought it was. At least I was with my friend Bella so it wasn't so bad. I hope the pictures turn out good. The last thing I need is a horrible picture of me circulating the entire town. That's the thing about pictures. When I take them myself, they're not bad and I look pretty good. When other people take them, it's a disaster. Anyway, moving on.
I really can't believe that I'm going to college with my friend Alida. I only met her through the freshmen group on facebook, but I feel as if she's my long lost twin or something. Have you ever had that feeling? You talk to someone you just met and feel as if you've known them forever? It could really just mean I must have met her in the pre-mortal realm. No wonder our moms hit it off so well yesterday. Our families must have been neighbors or something.
Come September and I will be super excited like non stop all the time. I will be laughing at the stupidest things (oh wait, I already do that), hyperactive, and really really annoying because all I will ever talk about the days leading up to September are the following:
1.) Meeting Alida
2.) Spending a couple days with Alida
3.) Being in the city
4.) Going to Panic! At The Disco with Alida
5.) Stalking the band until they agree to give us each a hug, a picture, and an autograph
6.) Flying to Idaho with Alida, her mom, and my mom
7.) COLLEGE!
8.) Meeting the people from the freshmen group
People say I'm obsessed. :)
I'm on my 5th day of Insanity. That workout seriously kicks my butt. By the end of each workout, there are literally puddles of sweat. I ask myself each day, "why am I doing this stupid thing!" and the occasional "I hate you Shaun T!". I guess I just want something challenging to do this summer. It's a goal for me to finish the 60 days and actually feel accomplished and able to say I was stupid enough to do and finish Insanity this summer.
Back to the topic of college. I need to vend a little about it.
I spend SO much time with my family that it's going to be so so so hard not being with them. My mom has said to me many times that I'm the backbone of her will to be strong. That doesn't make sense, does it? Lets put it this way, I give my mom strength every day to feel encouraged with life because truthfully, her life ain't so swell. She has to provide for not only my siblings, but she has to keep everything paid for like the electricity, the cable, ect. My dad lives with us, but that's only until they get to an agreement about divorce. It doesn't hurt. I mean I love my dad and all, but the things he does to my mom are stupid. My mom seriously doesn't deserve it. I'm glad my mom is the way she is. Her strength, her courage... it really is inspiring. Anyway, I'm going to miss her. I'm going to miss being her strength, but she has my siblings. As she always says, "You gotta learn to fly eventually."
I'd type more, but I have go pick up my sister at camp. Later, I gotta eat lunch and just chill for a bit. Then we'll see what happens. You've been a great audiance, keep it up!
~Jess
In 8th grade my english teacher told everyone that saying this phrase, "bunny,bunny,bunny" gives you good luck for the entire month. You say it at the start of every month! Don't believe in that sort of thing? Are you the kind of person that believes in hard earned luck and making your own luck in this world? Well, do this anyway. For the fun of it at least.
So today was pretty weird. I was photographed by The Journal News. Now, it really wasn't that big of a deal as I thought it was. At least I was with my friend Bella so it wasn't so bad. I hope the pictures turn out good. The last thing I need is a horrible picture of me circulating the entire town. That's the thing about pictures. When I take them myself, they're not bad and I look pretty good. When other people take them, it's a disaster. Anyway, moving on.
I really can't believe that I'm going to college with my friend Alida. I only met her through the freshmen group on facebook, but I feel as if she's my long lost twin or something. Have you ever had that feeling? You talk to someone you just met and feel as if you've known them forever? It could really just mean I must have met her in the pre-mortal realm. No wonder our moms hit it off so well yesterday. Our families must have been neighbors or something.
Come September and I will be super excited like non stop all the time. I will be laughing at the stupidest things (oh wait, I already do that), hyperactive, and really really annoying because all I will ever talk about the days leading up to September are the following:
1.) Meeting Alida
2.) Spending a couple days with Alida
3.) Being in the city
4.) Going to Panic! At The Disco with Alida
5.) Stalking the band until they agree to give us each a hug, a picture, and an autograph
6.) Flying to Idaho with Alida, her mom, and my mom
7.) COLLEGE!
8.) Meeting the people from the freshmen group
People say I'm obsessed. :)
I'm on my 5th day of Insanity. That workout seriously kicks my butt. By the end of each workout, there are literally puddles of sweat. I ask myself each day, "why am I doing this stupid thing!" and the occasional "I hate you Shaun T!". I guess I just want something challenging to do this summer. It's a goal for me to finish the 60 days and actually feel accomplished and able to say I was stupid enough to do and finish Insanity this summer.
Back to the topic of college. I need to vend a little about it.
I spend SO much time with my family that it's going to be so so so hard not being with them. My mom has said to me many times that I'm the backbone of her will to be strong. That doesn't make sense, does it? Lets put it this way, I give my mom strength every day to feel encouraged with life because truthfully, her life ain't so swell. She has to provide for not only my siblings, but she has to keep everything paid for like the electricity, the cable, ect. My dad lives with us, but that's only until they get to an agreement about divorce. It doesn't hurt. I mean I love my dad and all, but the things he does to my mom are stupid. My mom seriously doesn't deserve it. I'm glad my mom is the way she is. Her strength, her courage... it really is inspiring. Anyway, I'm going to miss her. I'm going to miss being her strength, but she has my siblings. As she always says, "You gotta learn to fly eventually."
I'd type more, but I have go pick up my sister at camp. Later, I gotta eat lunch and just chill for a bit. Then we'll see what happens. You've been a great audiance, keep it up!
~Jess
Who the heck is this chick?
Ok, I lied. I wanted to post more. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
This picture was at graduation. That's me (the one with the white in case you couldn't figure it out) and my Aunt Ana (who's hilariously looking the other way). I AM PROUD TO SAY I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL WITHOUT GETTING PREGNANT! Not a very "normal" thing to say, but in my family that's all that happens to the females my age. Well, most of them. Like my cousin who shall remain nameless in case she sees this which wouldn't be very good. She grew up with me, we shared everything, we were like twins. Unlike me, she wasn't blessed with what I was blessed with; the Gospel in my life. I am so grateful for that, for growing up with standards to guide my life in the right direction. Getting baptized is the best decision I have ever made in my life so far. So what next?
TWO MONTHS, THAT'S ALL IT TAKES FOR ME TO FALL IN LOVE...
with college, duhhh
Like SERIOUSLY I AM SO EXCITED FOR COLLEGE! AHHHHHHHH! I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET EVERYONE AND PARTY! (and study too of course!) So what will I be doing besides flirting with the RMs, partyin' it up, and having all nighters like every night? I will be aspiring to become a Child Life Specialist. I seriously love kids. They are the light of my eyes. (stop laughing!) Being around them and showing them the right ways of life is my favorite thing to do. I want kids that I am involved with to learn of their self worth and learn to cope with difficult aspects of their lives like I once did. I never had an easy life. I had one of the hardest childhoods growing up. I was beaten, I was humiliated, I was alone, I suffered. I don't want the kids of our future to go through living lives similar to mine. I'm not ashamed to admit that. But let's not go into detail ok? Some things are best said then read online.
I will miss this mini monster so so much! Her name's Stephanie, she's my sister (duh). I make fun of her, she makes fun of me- that's basically our relationship. Then there's the other side of our relationship where we love each other and have the best time doing stupid things like tossing marshmallows to the ceiling and catching them with our mouths. I tell her (almost) everything.
I am basically like her second mother. I bathed her, I changed her, I carried her, I stayed up with her when she was teething, I rocked her to bed. (great, now I feel teary eyed).
That's my brother, the one holding his nose. He's Adrian. I love this kid so much even though sometimes he drives me bananas! We have been through the same difficult situations growing up and he has always been there to protect me even though he's the younger brother. He gets jealous, he tells me if the guy I'm dating is right for me, and most of the time he's been right about them. Brother knows best?
Since we share a room (since like forever), I talk to him when I can't fall asleep. We talk about everything and anything. He is honest about everything and that's a quality that I admire. He is also one of the funniest people that I know. I seriously mean it when I say I hope my future husband is like him.
The other item in the picture? Well, that's my AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL cat Michela. I seriously love her sooooooooooo much. I feel like she understands me, she listens, she comforts. I can feel her love whenever she rubs herself against my cheek. It's an indescribable feeling; my love for this crazy little black panther. I will cry myself to sleep thinking about her in college, that's how much I love her. She's like a mini daughter to me <3
Well, my hands hurt. I don't want carpal tunnel so I'll leave it at that.
Arrivederchi!
This blogging deal is very fun...sorta. I just looked at some of the blogs posted on the BYUI group and my little ol' blog is nothing compared to theirs. BUT HEY, THOU SHALT NOT COVET.
I wanted to put some pictures to give my blog a little "kick".
with college, duhhh
Like SERIOUSLY I AM SO EXCITED FOR COLLEGE! AHHHHHHHH! I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET EVERYONE AND PARTY! (and study too of course!) So what will I be doing besides flirting with the RMs, partyin' it up, and having all nighters like every night? I will be aspiring to become a Child Life Specialist. I seriously love kids. They are the light of my eyes. (stop laughing!) Being around them and showing them the right ways of life is my favorite thing to do. I want kids that I am involved with to learn of their self worth and learn to cope with difficult aspects of their lives like I once did. I never had an easy life. I had one of the hardest childhoods growing up. I was beaten, I was humiliated, I was alone, I suffered. I don't want the kids of our future to go through living lives similar to mine. I'm not ashamed to admit that. But let's not go into detail ok? Some things are best said then read online.
I am basically like her second mother. I bathed her, I changed her, I carried her, I stayed up with her when she was teething, I rocked her to bed. (great, now I feel teary eyed).
Since we share a room (since like forever), I talk to him when I can't fall asleep. We talk about everything and anything. He is honest about everything and that's a quality that I admire. He is also one of the funniest people that I know. I seriously mean it when I say I hope my future husband is like him.
The other item in the picture? Well, that's my AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL cat Michela. I seriously love her sooooooooooo much. I feel like she understands me, she listens, she comforts. I can feel her love whenever she rubs herself against my cheek. It's an indescribable feeling; my love for this crazy little black panther. I will cry myself to sleep thinking about her in college, that's how much I love her. She's like a mini daughter to me <3
Well, my hands hurt. I don't want carpal tunnel so I'll leave it at that.
Arrivederchi!
This is weird
I FEEL LIKE A LOSER. I feel like I'm writing to air or an imaginary friend. I might as well get used to this awkwardness. How did I do it when I wrote diary entries and such? I seriously can't get over this awkwardness, haha. Let's start off with some sort of "ice breaker" or whatever. A "get to know me" sorta thing?
I found a survey that will serve this purpose, sooooo enjoy I guess and don't get too bored. ;)
Part 1- ME
I used to, but I learned to be happy and to see the beauty around me and see all the blessings in both good and bad things in my life
Well....that was me in a nutshell. Hopefully I don't get bored with this blog and "kill" it like my other unsuccessful ones. Some motivation would be nice :)
Adios!
I leave you one of my favorite songs at the moment. A song I have been listening to this whole week. I never really saw myself loving this song, but I do. A lot. (just not as much as PATD though!)
I found a survey that will serve this purpose, sooooo enjoy I guess and don't get too bored. ;)
Part 1- ME
ummmmmm, nope! "SURPRISE!"
yup
my parents and doctor I suppose, unless I was born on the back of a taxi or something and no one bothered to tell me
well of course
PART 2- THE FAMILY married of course
thank goodness I'm not
the oldest :D
my mommy, she's like my best friend
nope
PART 3- THE FRIENDS yeaaaah
just talk...about almost ANYTHING
yeaaah
not many, only those that I really really trust and love really really much :)
PART 4- YOUR PERSONALITYI used to, but I learned to be happy and to see the beauty around me and see all the blessings in both good and bad things in my life
depends on the situation
yes! VERY HAPPY
I try to, but don't go close to the edge
PART 5- APPEARANCE yup
brownish-black, medium length, annoying to tie in a ponytail because there are ALWAYS huge strands of hair in my face
Whatever I think looks good on me and is comfortable, I don't have a specific style or anything
of course! (and still kinda am)
very corny, but my biggest ambition EVER is to get married and have a family of my own
not really because I know I won't ever be alone
:)
PART 8- THE OUTDOORS a little bit of both
fall
yesss
PART 9- FOOD I tried to, but my parents wouldn't let me!
I absolutely loooooove hispanic food
peppers, cooked onions, and cooked tomatoes
cheesecake!
I don't have one, I don't discriminate restaurant
PART 10- RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE single and ready to mingle
hard to say...and why would I put it here? hahahahahahahaha
YES! I haven't really had the chance to really fall in love with anyone, but I bet the feeling is indescribable :)
yeah, I do, very much :)Well....that was me in a nutshell. Hopefully I don't get bored with this blog and "kill" it like my other unsuccessful ones. Some motivation would be nice :)
Adios!
I leave you one of my favorite songs at the moment. A song I have been listening to this whole week. I never really saw myself loving this song, but I do. A lot. (just not as much as PATD though!)
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