Maybe that's what I need more of, more singing. I need to sing more. Singing makes me happy and happy is definitely what I need in what sometimes feels like dark times.
Your pants are falling
I woke up early today and went running. It wasn't so bad outside; it was breezy and cool and the humidity hadn't made its way in the air yet. At the beginning, it was great. Wind in my face, great song blasting on my ipod; until every 5 seconds I found myself pulling my sweatpants up. Totally ruined my run, constantly worrying about my pants and being careful to pull them up before something disastrous happened. All in all, tomorrow morning I am definitely wearing different sweatpants. And right now, I am going to bed. I've been staying up worrying and thinking about nothing. Thinking about something that is best left to be unthought about. For now, I'm giving myself a break from it and moving on. Overall, today was a good day. Had a great Camila sing along session and that definitely cheered me up. All the passion that I hear in their songs, I put that much effort and passion when I sing those same words. It gives me the greatest feeling and I feel like everything's well with the world. I could spend hours just singing along to anything and I'll stay perfectly happy with it.
Maybe that's what I need more of, more singing. I need to sing more. Singing makes me happy and happy is definitely what I need in what sometimes feels like dark times.
Maybe that's what I need more of, more singing. I need to sing more. Singing makes me happy and happy is definitely what I need in what sometimes feels like dark times.
The world of mix ups and misunderstandings
Seriously, right?
Texting. That's a topic that I've been meaning to vent about lately because in all honesty, it drives me insane sometimes.
1. Initiation
Something I'm guilty of is the whole issue of texting people first.I'll do it when I absolutely have to, but in general I wait for people to initiate conversations because then I know they actually want to talk to me and I won't feel like I'm bothering them. It's silly really. I've taught myself not to be doubtful of myself, but this is one area where I do, where I believe that by iniciating conversations, I'm being annoying.
2. Frequency
I've dealt with this so much. With Mike, then Anton, even with Brett. They'd text me everyday, every second of everyday if they could. It was sweet cause when they did, I knew I was on their mind and they understood my whole issue with initiation so they always texted me first. Only thing was, they had the same intentions. And I didn't have that intention, I only saw them as friends. (with the exception of Anton, we ended up dating for like 6 months, haha). That's one thing, the intentions behind texting. Are you texting me a lot because you're interested or because you just enjoy talking to me and I'm an awesome friend? (because that's how my relationship with Mike changed, he finally understood, at least I hope so). And when you don't know your texter's intentions, you start questioning your relationship with that person. Where is it really going and is it even worth all the effort if they have different intentions? The thing is, figuring this out is quite easy if you see them face to face and in person because you can analyze by body language and all those little body movements , BUT with texting, you can't. And that ladies and gentlemen, drives one crazy, especially if you're a girl. Because girls do that, they over analyze every little thing and have to know everything behind every action or word said/spoken and they torture themselves trying to piece everything together and do so until the truth is revealed and they finally figure it out.
3. This quote. It literally describes the aspect of texting that bothers me sometimes. That it's replacing face to face contact. And that everyone, is what causes the mix ups and misunderstandings.
“Relationships are harder now because conversations became texting, arguments became phone calls, feelings became subliminal messages, sex became easy, the word “love” is used out of context, insecurities became a way of thinking, getting jealous became a habit, trust is hard to come by, being hurt became natural & leaving became the only option. Sad but true, so if you have something that’s worth it..don’t take it for granted, fight for it & don’t let it go.”
— Denzel
What a day
In spirit of their return, one of my favorite songs by them.
Today has been so nice.
Went out to lunch with my mom and Adrian, a really attractive waiter at the restaurant laughed at my jokes, took a nice nap, watched movies with Adrian, and learned that my favorite band since I was a little girl will be performing for free on August 31 in the city. I'd say today has been a pretty happy day for me.
I'm getting tired of all the roller-coasters
I think I have depression. No matter the happy face I put on everyday for my own sake, I'm always a sad mess on the inside.
All the signs are there.
OR maybe I'm just crazy after all. Or bipolar because I can be so happy one day and feel like total crap the next.
Hate to admit it, but I need some sort of help. All this quick change in my life is causing this.
The divorce, the realization that I no longer have the family I once had, being ignored by the man who used to be my hero--- it's affecting me more than I thought. You would think it would have affected my younger siblings more, but no, me.
I feel like such a baby.
All the signs are there.
OR maybe I'm just crazy after all. Or bipolar because I can be so happy one day and feel like total crap the next.
Hate to admit it, but I need some sort of help. All this quick change in my life is causing this.
The divorce, the realization that I no longer have the family I once had, being ignored by the man who used to be my hero--- it's affecting me more than I thought. You would think it would have affected my younger siblings more, but no, me.
I feel like such a baby.
Party with my missionary?
Haha, ok, he's not mine, but I refer to him as my missionary because I had the biggest crush on him when he served in my ward. Then again, I had crushes on like every cute tall dark haired missionary that passed by and gave me that dreamy look. With the exception of two, they were brown haired, haha. Anyway, there's a YSA party today and since I just barely woke up like 10 minutes ago, and have no ride-- looks like I won't be attending. He's supposed to be there too, but eh, I doubt it considering he volunteered to help my brother with his Eagle Scout project. Adrian doesn't like him much though, thinks he's too full of himself. I'll have to see this for myself, maybe tomorrow during sunday school since, surprise, he's in it with me. It's gonna be so weird though, he was a missionary here not too long ago and now I have to refer to him as "Austin"-- it's the weirdest experience of my life. Now I'm just being dramatic, but you get the picture. So in terms of "partying" with him today, it's a no go. I don't even know how I feel about him. Like on Sunday after 2nd hour I was just standing there, talking to my friends and obsessing over how fun Zumba is and then I notice him casually looking over at me. Uhhhm, checking me out? Maybe. It made me giggle on the inside though. I wonder if he'll still have that effect on me though, whenever he talks to me. Whenever he talked to me I would basically go all gaga on the inside. But in terms of a crush, nah. He's nice to look at though. My mom jokes around that he came back for me, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, hilarious. At the moment I have my eyes set on someone else. But you never know how the future unfolds. Who knows, I might end up getting to know him better and end up falling for him instead. He might start doing things to get my attention, who knows.
I remember him being so easy to talk to. I think it was him who I talked music with. We have like the exact same music tastes. I wonder if that's still the case. When I do end up talking to him, hopefully I don't end up making a fool of myself, cause he's quite an attractive guy, in my opinion. And he has really nice, bright, green eyes. And I'm a sucker for guys with green eyes. Except for that goatee of his, that thing has to go.
ANYWAY, it's raining. And I'm in my pjs. Hair that looks like I just out of a great wind storm. And blogging. And music playing. And home alone. Love these rare moments. But then again, I've been spending 50% of my time back home in pjs and messy hair and looking like I just rolled out of bed, hahahahaha, OH WELL, it's not like I have to look presentable at all hours of the day, especially during the summer. Of course with the exception of church and those moments I go out.
What to do, what to do with what little remains of my day since I used most of it sleeping. But I'm so tired most of the time, not because I stay up late-- I don't even know. Maybe my body is trying to get all the sleep it missed out on when I was in Idaho.
I'm hungry, time for a ham quesadilla. Best invention of mine.
I remember him being so easy to talk to. I think it was him who I talked music with. We have like the exact same music tastes. I wonder if that's still the case. When I do end up talking to him, hopefully I don't end up making a fool of myself, cause he's quite an attractive guy, in my opinion. And he has really nice, bright, green eyes. And I'm a sucker for guys with green eyes. Except for that goatee of his, that thing has to go.
ANYWAY, it's raining. And I'm in my pjs. Hair that looks like I just out of a great wind storm. And blogging. And music playing. And home alone. Love these rare moments. But then again, I've been spending 50% of my time back home in pjs and messy hair and looking like I just rolled out of bed, hahahahaha, OH WELL, it's not like I have to look presentable at all hours of the day, especially during the summer. Of course with the exception of church and those moments I go out.
What to do, what to do with what little remains of my day since I used most of it sleeping. But I'm so tired most of the time, not because I stay up late-- I don't even know. Maybe my body is trying to get all the sleep it missed out on when I was in Idaho.
I'm hungry, time for a ham quesadilla. Best invention of mine.
What?!
The worst feeling to have in the life of a living, breathing human being?
Not knowing how someone feels about you.
The want to know takes over your brain and everything else starts to not matter anymore.
Not knowing how someone feels about you.
The want to know takes over your brain and everything else starts to not matter anymore.
another roller-coaster
Where did the love go? Did they mean nothing? Does the concept that he's my dad, an individual whose blood runs through my veins, mean anything?
It's like me and Adrian are dead to him. What did we do to him to make him act like we don't exist?
He comes in, we say good afternoon papi, NOTHING. He doesn't even turn to acknowledge us. It's like we blended in with the couch or something. It really hurts because he doesn't act like this towards my little sister. He even said that he doubts me and Adrian are his kids. Ok, sure, you go ahead and believe that while I go sit in a corner and think about what a jerk you are and how much you're making me hate you. He brought it upon himself really, by everything he does, everything he's done. Fine, two can play at this game. I'll just pretend you don't exist either. But that's not going to take away years of all the emotional crap he's put me through.
Sometimes I just wish I could go hide under a rock and only come out when good things happen.
But that's not the point of my being here. The point is to come out at every aspect-- the good and the bad.
Why can't I take my own advice sometimes and have all that hope that I want for myself?
I wish there were two of me so that I could grab myself, and talk sense into myself that everything IS going to be ok, that I AM going to get everything I hope and dream for, that I AM going to get the best, that there IS a calm after the storm.
Cool story bro
Life is seriously too short to be worrying and over-thinking and making yourself miserable by your own doing.
For now, I'm just going to forget all the things that constantly flow in my mind. All the people, the what ifs, the hopes, the dreams, the obsessions-- I'm moving them temporarily to the back of my mind. Not forgetting them completely, of course not. All those hopes, dreams, people that take over your thoughts, obsessions-- they make you who you are and give you something to look forward to. It's just that I think about them way too much. And when you think about it too much, doubts start placing themselves in your mind. It's better to keep those thoughts as optimistic as possible and the only way of doing that is by not thinking about them too much.
Emerging myself in a world that is completely not my own by doing something that I really love and that helps me keep my head clear and happy; my reading and by pushing my limits everyday by working out.
Like today for instance, I revisited an old workout routine. I seriously felt like my feet were going to fall off. I remembered why I hated doing this routine. But then I felt all that sweat pouring down my face, the strength and power I felt by the constant contractions of my muscles (at least those that I do have anyway, haha) and that motivated me to keep going. That all I really needed to get through this was my determination and endurance. Working out just completely clears my mind of everything. And when I say everything, I mean all the worries of my life, all the plans I have for myself and think about on a daily basis, and even that guy that has recently invaded my mind. It feels so good; having a mind full of only that determination to finish and get the best out of the workout.
This week, I've been on such a roller-coaster. I've been so unbelievably happy, pissed off for no reason, miserable, sad, and like everything is fall apart when it isn't. Sometimes I think that I'm bipolar or something. But then I remember that it's a little something called hormones and PMS.
Oh joy.
For now, I'm just going to forget all the things that constantly flow in my mind. All the people, the what ifs, the hopes, the dreams, the obsessions-- I'm moving them temporarily to the back of my mind. Not forgetting them completely, of course not. All those hopes, dreams, people that take over your thoughts, obsessions-- they make you who you are and give you something to look forward to. It's just that I think about them way too much. And when you think about it too much, doubts start placing themselves in your mind. It's better to keep those thoughts as optimistic as possible and the only way of doing that is by not thinking about them too much.
Emerging myself in a world that is completely not my own by doing something that I really love and that helps me keep my head clear and happy; my reading and by pushing my limits everyday by working out.
Like today for instance, I revisited an old workout routine. I seriously felt like my feet were going to fall off. I remembered why I hated doing this routine. But then I felt all that sweat pouring down my face, the strength and power I felt by the constant contractions of my muscles (at least those that I do have anyway, haha) and that motivated me to keep going. That all I really needed to get through this was my determination and endurance. Working out just completely clears my mind of everything. And when I say everything, I mean all the worries of my life, all the plans I have for myself and think about on a daily basis, and even that guy that has recently invaded my mind. It feels so good; having a mind full of only that determination to finish and get the best out of the workout.
This week, I've been on such a roller-coaster. I've been so unbelievably happy, pissed off for no reason, miserable, sad, and like everything is fall apart when it isn't. Sometimes I think that I'm bipolar or something. But then I remember that it's a little something called hormones and PMS.
Oh joy.
Finally!
I took out 2 books at the library today, one being one of my absolute favorites. I can't believe I ever forgot about it! Suffer the Children, seriously so good. There's mystery, blood, unhappy things, terror-- a few of my favorite topics in books.
Apparently, in order to check out more books at the library, I need to pay off my fines-- all $48 of it.
Good news is that I was offered a little job twice a week at the library and the lady said I could work to pay off my fines. Oh goodie, more books. Lately, for quite some time now, I haven't enjoyed reading like I used to. My new goal is to get back to reading.
The lady at the library is so nice, there are like 4 ladies that work there. 3/4 of them are so nice, BUT the other one....oh boy. She ALWAYS looks so pissed off. She scares me. Anyway, the lady, I commented on how I lost my library card once upon a time and asked her how much it's to replace it, and she gave me a new one for free. Bless her heart. So I got a new shiny library card. SO excited about that.
I watched this movie with my sister earlier, so corny, but so good! And the guy in it! Ohhhh snaaaap, those lips he had. Mmmmmmm :P
That's one thing that I find really nice in guys. There are of course the eyes, that adorable smile, and the lips.
Ugh, my neck. Someone needs a message. Like now.
One hundred years ago in Port Arbello a pretty little girl began to scream. And struggle. And die. No one heard. No one saw. Just one man whose guilty heart burst in pain as he dashed himself to death in the sea. Now something peculiar is happening in Port Arbello. The children are disappearing, one by one. An evil history is repeating itself. And one strange, terrified child has ended her silence with a scream that began a hundred years ago.I can't seem to put the book down. But then again, I don't wanna finish reading it in like, two days sooo I'll give it a rest.
Apparently, in order to check out more books at the library, I need to pay off my fines-- all $48 of it.
Good news is that I was offered a little job twice a week at the library and the lady said I could work to pay off my fines. Oh goodie, more books. Lately, for quite some time now, I haven't enjoyed reading like I used to. My new goal is to get back to reading.
The lady at the library is so nice, there are like 4 ladies that work there. 3/4 of them are so nice, BUT the other one....oh boy. She ALWAYS looks so pissed off. She scares me. Anyway, the lady, I commented on how I lost my library card once upon a time and asked her how much it's to replace it, and she gave me a new one for free. Bless her heart. So I got a new shiny library card. SO excited about that.
I watched this movie with my sister earlier, so corny, but so good! And the guy in it! Ohhhh snaaaap, those lips he had. Mmmmmmm :P
That's one thing that I find really nice in guys. There are of course the eyes, that adorable smile, and the lips.
Ugh, my neck. Someone needs a message. Like now.
everybody talks
I will finally have something to do with my life tomorrow with the start of the Olympics.
Officially over it. Over feeling so out of control with my emotions. I'm letting these go all over the place and that makes me act so weird. Ugh, it's hard to explain. Weird as in I can't seem to have control over the way I feel about certain things, that's normal I know, those really unexpected moments-- but the thing is I'm not used to them at all and don't really know how to react. This probably makes no sense, I'm just thinking out loud. I wish Luna was here, she'd know what to say. I'm gonna have to write her, she's that only one that would understand. I can't go on with this constant nagging in my head that is telling me to figure this thing out. Ugh, I feel like such a girl sometimes. But like, there's a reason for all of this right? Looks like I gotta start to work on stopping all the thinking about this that goes on a daily basis because, well, it's starting to drive me insane really. Like I said, there's a reason for this, right? Now if I only knew or could figure out that reason. I'm a mere mortal though, I can't possibly figure this out on my own. In times like these, it's time to get off those feet of mine and kneel instead. Because in all reality, prayer really does help. It helps in feeling hopeful and comforted. Even though this is a silly thing to be praying over, and I feel like that all the time; asking for guidance in little things, it really makes a difference. The Lord hears you out, no matter the topic you come to him with. He's very willing to listen when you feel like you can't tell anyone else. Even though his response might not come right away, you build up that faith in him, that faith that he'll eventually not necessarily have the answer, but offer an opportunity to find out on your own.
Those songs that go perfectly with the way you're feeling.
Most nights, I don't know anymore.
To me, this song represents those moments where I'm all over the place with my emotions. Those nights where I stay up just thinking about everything. Those nights where I wonder where my life is going. Those nights where I just don't know and kill myself thinking about the unknown.
I should go, tutoring soon.
Despite the constant nuisance Sebastian is, it'll help me keep my head clear and stop that constant thinking I've had lately, even if it's for a little while.
On a brighter note,
This song.
Aw, I miss them. That concert was amazing. Possibly the best day of my life...so far. The blisters and sore feet were totally worth it.
Officially over it. Over feeling so out of control with my emotions. I'm letting these go all over the place and that makes me act so weird. Ugh, it's hard to explain. Weird as in I can't seem to have control over the way I feel about certain things, that's normal I know, those really unexpected moments-- but the thing is I'm not used to them at all and don't really know how to react. This probably makes no sense, I'm just thinking out loud. I wish Luna was here, she'd know what to say. I'm gonna have to write her, she's that only one that would understand. I can't go on with this constant nagging in my head that is telling me to figure this thing out. Ugh, I feel like such a girl sometimes. But like, there's a reason for all of this right? Looks like I gotta start to work on stopping all the thinking about this that goes on a daily basis because, well, it's starting to drive me insane really. Like I said, there's a reason for this, right? Now if I only knew or could figure out that reason. I'm a mere mortal though, I can't possibly figure this out on my own. In times like these, it's time to get off those feet of mine and kneel instead. Because in all reality, prayer really does help. It helps in feeling hopeful and comforted. Even though this is a silly thing to be praying over, and I feel like that all the time; asking for guidance in little things, it really makes a difference. The Lord hears you out, no matter the topic you come to him with. He's very willing to listen when you feel like you can't tell anyone else. Even though his response might not come right away, you build up that faith in him, that faith that he'll eventually not necessarily have the answer, but offer an opportunity to find out on your own.
Most nights, I don't know anymore.
To me, this song represents those moments where I'm all over the place with my emotions. Those nights where I stay up just thinking about everything. Those nights where I wonder where my life is going. Those nights where I just don't know and kill myself thinking about the unknown.
I should go, tutoring soon.
Despite the constant nuisance Sebastian is, it'll help me keep my head clear and stop that constant thinking I've had lately, even if it's for a little while.
On a brighter note,
Aw, I miss them. That concert was amazing. Possibly the best day of my life...so far. The blisters and sore feet were totally worth it.
What is the best medicine to everything?
THIS. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU SING ALONG TO IT.
These two boy bands; N*Sync and the Backstreet Boys hold a very special spot in my heart. And singing along to their stuff seriously puts me in the best mood ever.
These two boy bands; N*Sync and the Backstreet Boys hold a very special spot in my heart. And singing along to their stuff seriously puts me in the best mood ever.
Thank you 90s, you produced two of my all time favorite groups.
My favorite guilty pleasures.
A tid bit
So like, I can't stop thinking about this. About the whole concept of getting your hopes up for things, people, events, etc. Certain little things happen and you start believing that what you want to happen might actually happen, but then you're like no, am I that special or lucky enough for things like that to happen to? Then you start imagining scenarios and all these what ifs and building up your happiness on this potential possibility. Hoping and having hope for this want that you don't know will happen is the hardest because you don't want to get hurt when those hopes you've build up for so long are shattered. So wouldn't it be best to stop hoping for things? To stop getting your hopes up about things you aren't sure will happen? To just not care? To just let the future happen? To just let everything be?
That's something I set for myself earlier this year, to just let things happen on their own. In terms of friends, in terms of relationships, jobs, etc. But hope for things that you're unsure about is what keeps me waking up with optimism in the mornings. The whole imagining aspect of hoping, of imagining your life if what you want were to occur; it makes me smile all over. It's hope for these things that makes happiness. The only hard part is taking that chance, that chance of getting hurt from these hopes in the event that they don't go the way you hoped for.
That's something I set for myself earlier this year, to just let things happen on their own. In terms of friends, in terms of relationships, jobs, etc. But hope for things that you're unsure about is what keeps me waking up with optimism in the mornings. The whole imagining aspect of hoping, of imagining your life if what you want were to occur; it makes me smile all over. It's hope for these things that makes happiness. The only hard part is taking that chance, that chance of getting hurt from these hopes in the event that they don't go the way you hoped for.
Ramblings
That feeling of having sweat literally falling like a waterfall from your face is the best feeling ever. The energy you put in your workout and seeing all that effort dripping from your face...gives me a high.
Like this song, absolutely my favorite Zumba song to dance. All that hip swaying, oh snaaap :P It's so nice just letting loose and not caring how ridiculous I look.
Anyway, to start off where I left off in that blogger challenge thingy, day 23- something you crave for a lot
I always crave chocolate, especially dark chocolate. Dark chocolate is my absolute favorite of any kind of chocolate. If eating chocolate didn't cause weight gain or diabetes, I'd eat it every chance I could. Hahahaha, but seeing as that will never happen, I enjoy it on very rare occasions. Plus, it's good for your heart. And it's not too sweet, which I don't like. If anything is too sweet, it makes me sick. So there, day 23 done.
I really have nothing else to report on, the usual, I'm home. These past two days I've been home, haven't really gone anywhere. It's nice though, just staying home in an air conditioned place and not dying from the heat. Like right now, I'm lounging on my cool couch, my laptop, spotify on, and singing along. Relaxing days are the best.
OH YEAH, I'm tutoring Sebastian tomorrow at noon....wooooo
But hey, I'm getting paid for it. If he annoys the heck out of me and doesn't actually do the work I give him, I'm leaving him to get tutored by that other lady that wanted to tutor him. Not gonna take his crap anymore, I'm too nice to him, I need to show him that nice and super patient is not all there's to me.
This song, ugh, my favorite. But then again, I have a lot of favorite songs.
I love how my music tastes always change with every semester. Like after this semester, I absolutely love Camila and a lot of spanish music. I wonder what next semester's music will be.
Like this song, absolutely my favorite Zumba song to dance. All that hip swaying, oh snaaap :P It's so nice just letting loose and not caring how ridiculous I look.
I always crave chocolate, especially dark chocolate. Dark chocolate is my absolute favorite of any kind of chocolate. If eating chocolate didn't cause weight gain or diabetes, I'd eat it every chance I could. Hahahaha, but seeing as that will never happen, I enjoy it on very rare occasions. Plus, it's good for your heart. And it's not too sweet, which I don't like. If anything is too sweet, it makes me sick. So there, day 23 done.
I really have nothing else to report on, the usual, I'm home. These past two days I've been home, haven't really gone anywhere. It's nice though, just staying home in an air conditioned place and not dying from the heat. Like right now, I'm lounging on my cool couch, my laptop, spotify on, and singing along. Relaxing days are the best.
OH YEAH, I'm tutoring Sebastian tomorrow at noon....wooooo
But hey, I'm getting paid for it. If he annoys the heck out of me and doesn't actually do the work I give him, I'm leaving him to get tutored by that other lady that wanted to tutor him. Not gonna take his crap anymore, I'm too nice to him, I need to show him that nice and super patient is not all there's to me.
I love how my music tastes always change with every semester. Like after this semester, I absolutely love Camila and a lot of spanish music. I wonder what next semester's music will be.
Homeeee :)
I seriously love being home, despite the pointless arguments and the everyday annoying things.
On Sunday, after church we went to my aunt's house. That was one thing I really missed. We talk about the most random things and laugh about stupid things. She makes yummy food and lets us take naps on her bed.
Only bad side is that where she lives there's like no signal.
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| "Let's take a sister picture" |
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| So glad to have my photoshoot buddy back. Her duckface is better. |
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| Someone looks special... |
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| Josie loves riding in the car with us. |
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| "Steph, take a picture with me!" |
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| "But I'm trying to make memories!" |
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| HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA |
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| Bunny ears! |
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| I missed eating qui, yummmmm |
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| "So emo" |
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| "Let's compare feet" |
Zumba!
I am so excited to start my zumba up again, not the quick hour workout I did up at college, but the intense, sweat dripping Zumba I love and adore. Now that I have the time I can add an extra hour to my workout. Plus, I havent world out all week because of finals. I seriously miss it. But soon, pretty soon today. After I sleep in of course. And by "sleeping in", I mean sleeping till 10 because apparently I can't sleep past that time, unless of course I'm really tired, which I'm not right now because of all the excitement and trying to remember if I still remember all the dances.
kill me
Seriously, I'm going to go crazy with Sebastian. He's obsessed with me. I'm not looking forward to seeing him at all. I'm not looking forward to summer at all if I still have to tutor him.
Back to the East
This is my last post in the west coast. And back to the East. Ahhhh, can't wait <3
I can't wait to see my best friend, I have so much to tell her. And I can't wait for our long meaningful deep talks. And to tell her how happy I am right now, with all these things that are happening. All these changes in my life and how better it's going to be. A better home life, all these courses I'm looking forward to in the fall, my great grades this semester, and all the amazing people I've met and gotten to know.
THIS SONG. Seriously, it's the cutest thing ever. Spanish music is the most romantic music there is, like really.
I can't wait to see my best friend, I have so much to tell her. And I can't wait for our long meaningful deep talks. And to tell her how happy I am right now, with all these things that are happening. All these changes in my life and how better it's going to be. A better home life, all these courses I'm looking forward to in the fall, my great grades this semester, and all the amazing people I've met and gotten to know.
ADHFSJGFD:)
Anyway, I go home today! I wish I could sleep in more, but I guess my brain doesn't want to anymore. It woke me up at 8:30 -.-
AHHHHH, I'm so nervous to go home. I don't know why.
Oh yeah, I have no food now. Except like a couple eggs. Eggs it is then. And maybe going back to sleep for a bit too. The later I wake up, the faster I'll be home.
4 hours to go!
Freeeeeeedom
...sorta. I still have cleaning to do. BUT I DON'T WANNA! I'm seriously just wanting to leave without cleaning with a note on my bed that says, "just put it on my card". Cause I don't care, I really don't. But oh well, gotta suck it up and do it. It's not that much to do anyway-- just clean the mirrors, the cabinets, under the sink, the door knobs, the sinks, the floor, and my room. Everyone needs to get their stuff first and clear the vanity area. Lazy bums.
Soooo, I'm finally done with my first year of college. It wasn't easy, but I did it! And with better grades this time around; 2 Bs and 3 As! Someone's mommy is going to be proud.
I tried to look excited, but I guess when you stage a surprised face look, you end up failing and looking awkward. Oh weeeeeell.
Then what the heck, my camera's on, a self portrait session is in order. One thing I'm really proud of--my eyelashes. I bought this eyelash curler and it's amazing. It's like an eyelash miracle worker.
Then it was getting hot, so I put my hair up and decided to go fancy with my picture editing and BAM, pretty eyes.
The current state of my bed, a total mess. And on facebook too, typical. For the past couple days all I've had is that sheet, a blanket and my airplane headrest pillow thingy. Seriously can't wait to sleep on my bed with my super comfy fluffy pillows.
My suitcase, all ready to get rolled out of here. I seriously thought it wasn't going to be so full, but turns out I have more clothes then I really thought. And that's not even all of it, the rest of my clothes (well fall weather type clothes) are in storage. And a Book of Mormon! That one's in spanish though. THat's a really big goal of mine, to read it all the way through in spanish.
My last two finals were eh. My BOM one was fine, got an A. But math can just go die. Oh well, I really don't care. I got my B in the class and I'm happy with that. And besides, no more math classes...EVER. JK, I'm taking a money management class fall semester. But that's real life math, with no useless math involved.
Ugh, I might as well start my cleaning. Ew.
Soooo, I'm finally done with my first year of college. It wasn't easy, but I did it! And with better grades this time around; 2 Bs and 3 As! Someone's mommy is going to be proud.
I tried to look excited, but I guess when you stage a surprised face look, you end up failing and looking awkward. Oh weeeeeell.
Then what the heck, my camera's on, a self portrait session is in order. One thing I'm really proud of--my eyelashes. I bought this eyelash curler and it's amazing. It's like an eyelash miracle worker.
Then it was getting hot, so I put my hair up and decided to go fancy with my picture editing and BAM, pretty eyes.
The current state of my bed, a total mess. And on facebook too, typical. For the past couple days all I've had is that sheet, a blanket and my airplane headrest pillow thingy. Seriously can't wait to sleep on my bed with my super comfy fluffy pillows.
My suitcase, all ready to get rolled out of here. I seriously thought it wasn't going to be so full, but turns out I have more clothes then I really thought. And that's not even all of it, the rest of my clothes (well fall weather type clothes) are in storage. And a Book of Mormon! That one's in spanish though. THat's a really big goal of mine, to read it all the way through in spanish.
My last two finals were eh. My BOM one was fine, got an A. But math can just go die. Oh well, I really don't care. I got my B in the class and I'm happy with that. And besides, no more math classes...EVER. JK, I'm taking a money management class fall semester. But that's real life math, with no useless math involved.
Ugh, I might as well start my cleaning. Ew.
Hot date with the library
Here I am, at the library, ready to study until my brain can't take it anymore.
I just came back from my book of mormon class. I was falling asleep, but that's usual. The teacher can be funny at times, but I don't know, his voice just sometimes puts me to sleep. So I fell asleep for like maybe 3 minutes. It's weird though, when you fall asleep in class for a little bit, then you wake up and you're like, "Where am I? What day is it? I must have looked stupid". But at least those 3 minutes of nap time made me energized, sorta.
Just two more finals and I'll be free. Oh wait, I won't because I still have a white glove check to do, yay -.-
Ah, no motivation whatsoever. I've never felt so lazy in my life. Like literally, this week, I've woken up and just got dressed with whatever I found. And a quick brush of my hair. I'm not even trying anymore be. My hair is frizzy, I wear a vacant tired expression, and all this stress is making me break out. Oh joy.
I seriously can't wait till it's Friday, with everything done, and just waiting to get on the shuttle. Knowing I'm finally getting my summer away from all the stress of school and annoying people. I can't wait to go home and sleep in my bed. To carry my cat. To cuddle with my dog. To shower in my own shower that isn't full of clumps of red hair. To eat my mom's food. To watch soap operas. To do zumba on the xbox. To get yelled at for having clothes on the floor, even if it's just a sock. To not walk in on make out sessions. To laugh at my brother's jokes. To blast spanish music with my mom. To walk Josie. To get bitten on the nose by Michela. So many things to look forward to. Like really, I can't be away from my family for too long. I have separation issues, still. I get bummed out that I miss so many little things and memories when I'm gone. Like my little sister getting her first zit. When my mom told me, I felt so proud of my sister. She's growing up so fast. I remember changing her when she was only a baby and now, she's starting to go through puberty, having her little crushes, her own friend drama- time goes by so fast.
I should really stop stalling and actually study right now.
Ugh.
And so, I leave you with this vital piece of information.
Funny thing is, cholo is Adrian's nickname. Haha.
Solo 2 dias!
It's really hard believing that I go home in 2 days. This semester has gone by so fast, but I'm not complaining :)
OH, the other day I finally found my lost swimsuit. Turns out that I didn't unpack it from my suitcase I put in storage last semester. It is by far my favorite swimsuit ever, imagining summer at the pool without it is heartbreaking. BUT I FOUND IT! I secretly wanna try it on and just walk around in it because honestly, I love the way it looks on me, it fits perfectly in all the right places. Speaking of which, that's something I've learned lately- to love my body the way it is and love the way it was meant to be :)
At the start of puberty, I was like "WHY?" I've inherited so many things from my parents, some that I love and some that I've learned to love throughout the years. Like my crooked smile or my eyebrows, from my mom. Then there are those features that I've learned are a blessing rather than a curse. Those features that I've acquired mainly for being Hispanic. And when I look in the mirror, I smile. Because I'm the only me there is and because I was created by my Heavenly Father to look like this, a creation in his image. So when I look at myself it's like looking at a little piece of him because I was created in His image.
SO, my best friend comes home soon! Tiffany, we've been best friends since 6th grade.We met in math class, a math class we both decided ruined our ability to comprehend math. Now she's in training in Oklahoma. She's in the ROTC. I have the best time with her. We can talk about anything and I highly value her opinion on things. She's so honest; I love that about her. And she's so understanding and hilarious.
We can both look at each other and know what we're thinking about. We give each other looks when something funny happens and we automatically know what the deal is. And we have so many inside jokes and stories and so many memories together, ugh, I just love her so much! My life wouldn't be the same without her. She knows everything about me, the good and the bad. I know I can trust her with anything. What's seriously so depressing is the idea of moving away from her. We live literally like 5 minutes away from each other, we can easily walk to each other's houses. But since this whole divorce thing, my mom wants to move. Now that she's a single mother and our total income will be lower, we can't afford our casa anymore. So she's looking for an apartment to move into. I really don't care where we move as long as they accept my babies, I'd die if I ever had to give them up. I'd be forever depressed. But like, I won't be near my best friend anymore. Or my friends. I'll have to start over.
I'm good at adapting, so all will be fine. And besides, a fresh start away from somewhere where old memories remain is pretty sweet.
I've been listening to Bon Jovi all day. Oh the memories.
Bon Jovi was so hard to listen to for a while because that was me and an ex's band. He even had a song dedicated to me from them. That one. I can't help but think about him whenever I listen to that song. I remember this one time when we were walking around town, he just grabbed me out of nowhere and started singing that song to me. It was embarrassing at the time, but so sweet now that I think of it. I think back to all the times we had together, from laying on a bench together and just gazing up at the stars and talking about whatever to those times we had those incredible long hugs, never wanting to let go. This guy really loved me and it crushed me when I broke it off with him. I hate disappointing people. But it had to be done, he wanted to go down a road I couldn't follow. That seriously was one relationship that changed me as a person. It was hard letting go, everything that we went through, all those moments of sweetness and happiness, but eventually I did.
But enough of the past. It's now, and now, I can't help but be happy about my life and where it's headed. I'm excited for what the future holds. I feel as if after a long storm of struggles, I'm finally going to have a clear sky.
OH, the other day I finally found my lost swimsuit. Turns out that I didn't unpack it from my suitcase I put in storage last semester. It is by far my favorite swimsuit ever, imagining summer at the pool without it is heartbreaking. BUT I FOUND IT! I secretly wanna try it on and just walk around in it because honestly, I love the way it looks on me, it fits perfectly in all the right places. Speaking of which, that's something I've learned lately- to love my body the way it is and love the way it was meant to be :)
At the start of puberty, I was like "WHY?" I've inherited so many things from my parents, some that I love and some that I've learned to love throughout the years. Like my crooked smile or my eyebrows, from my mom. Then there are those features that I've learned are a blessing rather than a curse. Those features that I've acquired mainly for being Hispanic. And when I look in the mirror, I smile. Because I'm the only me there is and because I was created by my Heavenly Father to look like this, a creation in his image. So when I look at myself it's like looking at a little piece of him because I was created in His image.
SO, my best friend comes home soon! Tiffany, we've been best friends since 6th grade.We met in math class, a math class we both decided ruined our ability to comprehend math. Now she's in training in Oklahoma. She's in the ROTC. I have the best time with her. We can talk about anything and I highly value her opinion on things. She's so honest; I love that about her. And she's so understanding and hilarious.
We can both look at each other and know what we're thinking about. We give each other looks when something funny happens and we automatically know what the deal is. And we have so many inside jokes and stories and so many memories together, ugh, I just love her so much! My life wouldn't be the same without her. She knows everything about me, the good and the bad. I know I can trust her with anything. What's seriously so depressing is the idea of moving away from her. We live literally like 5 minutes away from each other, we can easily walk to each other's houses. But since this whole divorce thing, my mom wants to move. Now that she's a single mother and our total income will be lower, we can't afford our casa anymore. So she's looking for an apartment to move into. I really don't care where we move as long as they accept my babies, I'd die if I ever had to give them up. I'd be forever depressed. But like, I won't be near my best friend anymore. Or my friends. I'll have to start over.
I'm good at adapting, so all will be fine. And besides, a fresh start away from somewhere where old memories remain is pretty sweet.
Bon Jovi was so hard to listen to for a while because that was me and an ex's band. He even had a song dedicated to me from them. That one. I can't help but think about him whenever I listen to that song. I remember this one time when we were walking around town, he just grabbed me out of nowhere and started singing that song to me. It was embarrassing at the time, but so sweet now that I think of it. I think back to all the times we had together, from laying on a bench together and just gazing up at the stars and talking about whatever to those times we had those incredible long hugs, never wanting to let go. This guy really loved me and it crushed me when I broke it off with him. I hate disappointing people. But it had to be done, he wanted to go down a road I couldn't follow. That seriously was one relationship that changed me as a person. It was hard letting go, everything that we went through, all those moments of sweetness and happiness, but eventually I did.
But enough of the past. It's now, and now, I can't help but be happy about my life and where it's headed. I'm excited for what the future holds. I feel as if after a long storm of struggles, I'm finally going to have a clear sky.
A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Last year I was so excited about college. I made the best friends and had a great first semester. I was in a relationship with a guy who I truly believed was so amazing. I was happy, really happy. Then the semester ended and I found myself in a long distance relationship. It was truly hard always thinking about that person and wondering if anything was going to change because of the distance. Naturally, it did. I realized we were really different after all, wanting different things-- so we went our separate ways. And during that time I evaluated myself and at the end of last year, I made it my goal to better myself; to clean myself up spiritually and draw closer to the Lord.
Irrelevance
I just got a friend request from this guy I had the biggest crush on. HAHAHAHAHAHA, just thinking back to that, oh snap. I went so far as to write him an anonymous love letter and drop it in his mailbox. Seriously, I think back to the many stupid and weird things I've done and said and I'm like, "what the heck where you thinking, that's so embarrassing!" *face palm*
Day 22: What makes you different from everyone else
Well I guess this isn't really too different, but it's all I got and can think of at the moment.
I've been forced to grow up earlier then everyone else my age. Since I was little I was always required to act proper, be super hardworking. When everyone else was playing soccer at the park, I was helping my grandma pick cabbage or sweeping the yard or something. That was in Ecuador, when I lived with my grandparents. That part of my life was seriously the hardest. My parents weren't there and me and my brother only had each other. Our grandparents weren't evil, it was just the way they were raised themselves, but their way towards us made our time there hell. So there went my childhood.
Then I came here. At the beginning everything was great and I felt like I was finally getting that childhood I lost back there. It lasted, but only for a while. Then the habits started, the screaming, the fights. And as the older sister I was required to be like a second mother to my siblings during the time my dad left us the first time while my mom worked. I basically raised my little sister really. But I didn't mind it. Basically, I grew up earlier then expected. I've experienced so many things that have made me into the person I am today. All those trials, those hardships, those experiences that most don't really experience till later on they they're older, but not me. Without all these early experiences with hardship, I wouldn't be me. So I'm thankful for them.
I see things in a way that most people don't, at least people my age--of course with the exception of some. Like with the whole topic of relationships and love in general. I see it as something that is to be cherished and as something that brings the ultimate happiness. My lack of it from an early age has made me appreciate it more than most. That's why the whole topic of love is my ultimate obsession. Sometimes when I tell people this, how I don't feel complete without someone by my side and in my life, they think I'm crazy and dependent on people. But love brings me the ultimate happiness and I always want to be happy, to erase those memories when I wasn't. It's the ultimate high.
"Love is a many splendored thing,
Love lifts us up where we belong
All you need is love"
But most my age are like, "have fun, date around, relationships are a waste of time, be single and ready to mingle..." but not me. Haha
I'm sorry if I made no sense, I do that. I ramble on and on sometimes thinking I make sense when I don't
On that note, I leave you with something totally irrelevant, but true.
I've been forced to grow up earlier then everyone else my age. Since I was little I was always required to act proper, be super hardworking. When everyone else was playing soccer at the park, I was helping my grandma pick cabbage or sweeping the yard or something. That was in Ecuador, when I lived with my grandparents. That part of my life was seriously the hardest. My parents weren't there and me and my brother only had each other. Our grandparents weren't evil, it was just the way they were raised themselves, but their way towards us made our time there hell. So there went my childhood.
Then I came here. At the beginning everything was great and I felt like I was finally getting that childhood I lost back there. It lasted, but only for a while. Then the habits started, the screaming, the fights. And as the older sister I was required to be like a second mother to my siblings during the time my dad left us the first time while my mom worked. I basically raised my little sister really. But I didn't mind it. Basically, I grew up earlier then expected. I've experienced so many things that have made me into the person I am today. All those trials, those hardships, those experiences that most don't really experience till later on they they're older, but not me. Without all these early experiences with hardship, I wouldn't be me. So I'm thankful for them.
I see things in a way that most people don't, at least people my age--of course with the exception of some. Like with the whole topic of relationships and love in general. I see it as something that is to be cherished and as something that brings the ultimate happiness. My lack of it from an early age has made me appreciate it more than most. That's why the whole topic of love is my ultimate obsession. Sometimes when I tell people this, how I don't feel complete without someone by my side and in my life, they think I'm crazy and dependent on people. But love brings me the ultimate happiness and I always want to be happy, to erase those memories when I wasn't. It's the ultimate high.
"Love is a many splendored thing,
Love lifts us up where we belong
All you need is love"
But most my age are like, "have fun, date around, relationships are a waste of time, be single and ready to mingle..." but not me. Haha
I'm sorry if I made no sense, I do that. I ramble on and on sometimes thinking I make sense when I don't
On that note, I leave you with something totally irrelevant, but true.
Day 21: Something that makes you happy
Those moments where you don't care how ridiculous you look and have those "just because" photo-shoots with your friends. Like here, with one my beautiful red haired chica Lauren. I just love looking through these and remembering the emotions I felt that day. I was so hyper that night. Taking pictures next to a toilet. Yeaaaah, strange, but hey, being weird and ridiculous makes me happy.
Day 20: Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Oh goodie, my favorite topic.
It's hard to say, there's really no one that I could see myself marrying in the future considering I'm not seeing anyone. As for the other, I actually do. But it's a maybe. It would be nice, it really would. This someone is seriously the sweetest. But who knows what the future holds, just gotta accept it as it comes and hope for the best. Like that quote says, "find someone who can make you smile and don't give up on them". He sure does make me smile. A lot. It would mean everything to me if by any chance we did end up together, he's seriously quite something. But like I said, we'll see what the future holds.
Since this part of the blogger challenge requires me to write about this topic, I have no choice but to just write about it despite the numerous posts I've already written on the topic. Oh weeeeeell.
In terms of dating, at this point, I'm over it. Not like give up on it, but like, in my point of view I see dating as something to help you figure out what you want in a significant other and with all the relationships I've been in and all the knowledge I gained from them, I know what I want, no need to date around. I know what qualities I like and want in a guy. At this point, I'm done with just dating and getting into relationships with people that just make me happy. It's one thing to have someone to make you happy, yes that's important, but also there's having someone that can make you happy and be everything you want and look for and yes, maybe even see yourself spending the rest of your life with. And having that someone feel the same. There's an emotional agreement between you two and both of you want the same things and all both of you want is to be with each other. There's those two differences. I'm done with settling with "as long as this person makes me happy...". When you settle for the minimum, you make excuses for them and the qualities that you want. Everyone deserves someone that is exactly what they need in a companion. I don't want to waste my time with people that don't fit the qualities I want in a guy, it's that time in my life when I have to get serious about this subject, even church leaders encourage it. All I want is a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. With no doubts, no questioning, no excuses, equal effort and commitment on both sides, and a relationship that could potentially blossom to be something more than just a relationship, blossom into something eternal and sacred.
But hey, that's just me.
Who I'm waiting for is worth the wait.
:)
It's hard to say, there's really no one that I could see myself marrying in the future considering I'm not seeing anyone. As for the other, I actually do. But it's a maybe. It would be nice, it really would. This someone is seriously the sweetest. But who knows what the future holds, just gotta accept it as it comes and hope for the best. Like that quote says, "find someone who can make you smile and don't give up on them". He sure does make me smile. A lot. It would mean everything to me if by any chance we did end up together, he's seriously quite something. But like I said, we'll see what the future holds.
Since this part of the blogger challenge requires me to write about this topic, I have no choice but to just write about it despite the numerous posts I've already written on the topic. Oh weeeeeell.
In terms of dating, at this point, I'm over it. Not like give up on it, but like, in my point of view I see dating as something to help you figure out what you want in a significant other and with all the relationships I've been in and all the knowledge I gained from them, I know what I want, no need to date around. I know what qualities I like and want in a guy. At this point, I'm done with just dating and getting into relationships with people that just make me happy. It's one thing to have someone to make you happy, yes that's important, but also there's having someone that can make you happy and be everything you want and look for and yes, maybe even see yourself spending the rest of your life with. And having that someone feel the same. There's an emotional agreement between you two and both of you want the same things and all both of you want is to be with each other. There's those two differences. I'm done with settling with "as long as this person makes me happy...". When you settle for the minimum, you make excuses for them and the qualities that you want. Everyone deserves someone that is exactly what they need in a companion. I don't want to waste my time with people that don't fit the qualities I want in a guy, it's that time in my life when I have to get serious about this subject, even church leaders encourage it. All I want is a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. With no doubts, no questioning, no excuses, equal effort and commitment on both sides, and a relationship that could potentially blossom to be something more than just a relationship, blossom into something eternal and sacred.
But hey, that's just me.
Who I'm waiting for is worth the wait.
:)
Day 19: Nicknames you have and why you have them
I really don't recall any nicknames. Everyone just calls me Jess.
But I do have them.
But I do have them.
- Earthquake/Tsunami My dad came up with these. Different names, same meanings. The reason why I have these so called nicknames is because I tend to cause"destruction" wherever I go. Like I remember this one time I was just walking across the living room and for some reason I decided to forget gravity. So I tripped. On what you may ask? Air. I tripped on air. Therefore causing this lamp to fall since my hand attempted to grab the nearest object to prevent a much more painful fall.
- Chechika It's really "Jessica", but it sounds like this if you say it in a babyish voice. How this came to be? My mom. She baby talks me all the time.
- Sweet cheeks, baby cakes, doll face These nicknames are interchangeable between my fabulous roommate Liz and I.
- Jessyboo Unfortunately. Sebastian gave me this nickname. No idea why, but I think I have an idea. Oh right, cause he has a crush on me and sometimes likes to pretend that we're a couple who call each other by pet names/ nicknames. He expects me to make up one for him, hahahahahaha NO.
Like a roller-coaster
This song. Seriously one of my favorite church songs- with the first being Praise to the Man.
On that happy note, I just want to put out there for future reference that this blog isn't going to be the happiest piece of writing anyone reads; like a roller-coaster has it's ups and downs- so does my ever changing moods. For no reasons at all, my mood can go from the happiest to the moodiest to the saddest. With nothing really causing it. Therefore causing me to write the things I write. The moods I get in are the inspiration. Because if you look at it, a great piece of writing didn't come to be without some kind of emotion being involved.
It's getting late and I
Cannot seem to find my way home tonight
Feels like I'm falling down a rabbit hole
Falling for forever
Wonderfully wandering alone
Pretty much describes life right now, wandering through it blindly, with only the faith you have to guide you.
On a different note, the Backstreet Boys are back together and they're working on a new album this month. Seriously, I love them. So many of their songs relate perfectly to my life, to things that have happened, to things I want to happen. They being back together is the happiest and best news because they represent that area in my life that I loved, that time in my life when I was seriously the happiest I have ever been.
You knew what you were getting yourself into
I just love those moments where I feel like what I say actually makes a difference in someone's life. Like with my mom, we had another long talk today. And we basically ended up playing a round of psychologist. And it comforts me hearing that my words mean so much to her. That she actually takes what I say to her to heart. She takes my advice.
Sometimes, I wonder where it all comes from, those words that come out of my mouth.
Life is so strange to me. It really is. It can be the happiest, it can be the crappiest, and it can even be a little bit of both. Right now I really don't know what I'm doing or why life is deciding to be mysterious and kill me with the suspense of what's going to happen next. But I chose this. I chose to come down here knowing that I would embark on such a weird and unknown journey. Although sometimes, I torture myself with thinking about the future. What it's going to bring. Whether or not I'm going to be happy about it or miserable. I lay awake sometimes replaying and replaying potential scenarios that could happen with absolutely no idea or certainty about them. And I know I should stop because it gives me false hope. But then again, you could also say it's faith. Faith that one day everything that I want to happen in the future will happen. That in the end, I will get what I always wanted out of life.Now I totally understand why it said that, why my patriarch said I was born with a very believing heart. Although, sometimes I doubt this believing heart. Because sometimes I believe too much or too hard and end up loosing. It has happened too many times. But that's the thing I love about the Gospel. It gives me that strength to keep on believing despite when things don't turn out as planned.
I feel so foolish for not remembering to bring my blessing to school with me. I remembered I forgot to pack it as I was unpacking at the start of the semester. It seriously gives me the greatest comfort. Because it promises me the greatest blessings. And it reassures me that what I constantly torture myself thinking about will happen eventually. Maybe not now, but eventually. That's the thing. I'm a pretty patient person, it's just that I'm so impatient about the important things.
Those songs that very rarely make you cry.
Because they either carry painful memories, remind you of certain people, or reassure you that everything's going to be ok when you're unsure about everything. When you doubt yourself, when you are negative. It wakes you up and yells out at you, "you can do this, you got this" and gives you that extra push to keep on believing, to keep on being faithful, to hope with all your heart that you're going to be blessed with those things in life that you've always wanted.
Like my mom always says, "Si sigues con la fe que tienes, si eres obediente, si haces lo bien--tu Padre Celestial te bendecira con todas las cosas que tu corazon desea"
Sometimes, I wonder where it all comes from, those words that come out of my mouth.
Life is so strange to me. It really is. It can be the happiest, it can be the crappiest, and it can even be a little bit of both. Right now I really don't know what I'm doing or why life is deciding to be mysterious and kill me with the suspense of what's going to happen next. But I chose this. I chose to come down here knowing that I would embark on such a weird and unknown journey. Although sometimes, I torture myself with thinking about the future. What it's going to bring. Whether or not I'm going to be happy about it or miserable. I lay awake sometimes replaying and replaying potential scenarios that could happen with absolutely no idea or certainty about them. And I know I should stop because it gives me false hope. But then again, you could also say it's faith. Faith that one day everything that I want to happen in the future will happen. That in the end, I will get what I always wanted out of life.Now I totally understand why it said that, why my patriarch said I was born with a very believing heart. Although, sometimes I doubt this believing heart. Because sometimes I believe too much or too hard and end up loosing. It has happened too many times. But that's the thing I love about the Gospel. It gives me that strength to keep on believing despite when things don't turn out as planned.
I feel so foolish for not remembering to bring my blessing to school with me. I remembered I forgot to pack it as I was unpacking at the start of the semester. It seriously gives me the greatest comfort. Because it promises me the greatest blessings. And it reassures me that what I constantly torture myself thinking about will happen eventually. Maybe not now, but eventually. That's the thing. I'm a pretty patient person, it's just that I'm so impatient about the important things.
Because they either carry painful memories, remind you of certain people, or reassure you that everything's going to be ok when you're unsure about everything. When you doubt yourself, when you are negative. It wakes you up and yells out at you, "you can do this, you got this" and gives you that extra push to keep on believing, to keep on being faithful, to hope with all your heart that you're going to be blessed with those things in life that you've always wanted.
Like my mom always says, "Si sigues con la fe que tienes, si eres obediente, si haces lo bien--tu Padre Celestial te bendecira con todas las cosas que tu corazon desea"
Day 18: Plans/dreams/goals you have
These types of questions are always hard to answer because they always change as time goes by.
- Get through these next 10 days. Finally, it has come down to this. I'll be home next week. This is my last full and busy week and last pathetic weekend. I can already smell the chlorine and suntan lotion. Cause once I get home, the pool is one of my priorities. But first, the aquarium. All I need to do is get finished with all these papers and finals. Let me think, a final paper and final exam for humanities, type up seven more study guide questions for child development final, book of mormon group paper final, math final...that's pretty much it. So game plan: library. My new home. And going to bed at a decent time. No matter how much I would rather stay up doing what I usually do-- reblogging on tumblr and late night texting. Ah, the sacrifices I make for education.
- Finish all my food. OK, maybe not all of it, but at least some of the food that needs to be refrigerated...like my deli meat, my lettuce, my apples, my eggs, my milk, my grapes, my meat and frozen veggies in the freezer. And storage all that other stuff like my rice and my pasta. And I need to seriously eat up all my jello, can't let that go to waste. It's jello, everyone loves jello.
- Organize a packing plan. Not just gonna stuff everything in that huge bin, but no, I'm gonna have to start planning out what I'm gonna put in that huge bin and what I'm gonna put in that suitcase. Oh wait, that's right. I'm leaving most of my clothes here and just taking home my lighter clothes. Oh snap, where am I gonna stuff my sheets? See, this is why planning ahead is good. So, let the planning commence!
- Fall head over heels in love with someone. What can I say, I love writing about love and falling in love and anything related to love. But to be totally honest, I don't think I've ever been IN love with someone. I mean sure, I've loved people, but there's a huge difference between being IN love with someone and just loving someone.
- Make it. By "making it", I mean graduating college and becoming someone and proving to everyone who thought I wouldn't. Because come on, we live in a society where everyone thinks hispanics are lazy and are only good for mowing lawns and "stealing" from them by taking jobs that they don't even care about doing.
- Get married in the temple. Yeah, typical. But I seriously can't wait for this. It'll be like a second chance of being in a family that I've always wanted, only twist is that me and the person I want to spend eternity with are in charge of creating such family and that's really exciting and gives me butterflies just thinking about it.
- Have kids. Again, typical. But really. I love kids. They love me. Simple.
- Jump off a cliff. In no way suicidal, just saying. But like, cliff jumping unto a body of water. With no rocks for me to hit my head nearby, like a million miles away. I really hate heights, yet I'm perfectly fine with roller-coasters. Now those are fun. So fun.
- Sing to someone. And being dared to doesn't count. Or singing to my cat. Or my sister. Just someone.
- Sing a duet with someone. Especially with someone of the male kind.
- Write a book. My life is seriously book worthy. Someday I just might write an autobiography of myself. Or just make up a story. I'm good at story telling.
- Go to Ecuador- specifically the Galapagos. My dad actually lied and said that he send me to the Galapagos for a graduation present. HA! Trying to appear as the great dad. HA! But yeah, I want to see a giant turtle.
- Go whale watching. Cause whales are cute.
- Run a marathon. Working on it.
The end.
12 days
That is all there is left. Because up to this point, I've had it with the loudness, the unnecessary screaming over stupid things, the awkwardness when there's a make-out party in the living room, my butter disappearing before my eyes, getting the door shut every single freaking time when I make it clear I want it to be kept open and especially, most importantly, the blasting of country music. My poor ears. But I got them back by blasting my own music, mwahaha.
This song. My mom introduced me to him with this song. It's so beautiful...except for the part about Mormons. It's not bad really, just that he kinda puts down our belief in the Word of Wisdom. Aside from that, the message of this song is great.
So, I had this long talk with my mom today. It's so nice hearing from her, to hear her say that she feels at peace when I advice her and comfort her with my words. I'm glad.
I should really start taking my own advice; to not care about the future, to stop worrying about things that are uncertain. To just leave everything up to the Lord. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen on it's own terms. For once I want to stop trying so hard to get the things I want. I've been working so hard at everything. And for once I want everything to fall in place on it's own. Especially with this. I'm not giving up, I just want to stop trying so hard for one. The ambitious and passionate person in me won't allow me to really give up. no, I'll still work towards what I want to happen, just that I won't give it my all. When I give it my all and it doesn't go as I hoped it would--I end up the emotional wreck I try to avoid.
Es ir al cielo y abrir la puerta
Meterse a un cuarto de un dios noctambulo
Y esperar a que este dormido
Para robarle algun verso suyo.
I'm sorry I lead a sad life and vent on here. Reading sad things is not a great thing, but, like I explained it to a friend a few days ago, I write all of this not to make people feel sorry for me, but for someone, somewhere out there can learn from what I give. Can see that aside from all the crap I go through, I'm still here. And so grateful for it.
I really love that I can fall in love with all types of music of all different kinds- except country. That's where I cross the line.
So, I had this long talk with my mom today. It's so nice hearing from her, to hear her say that she feels at peace when I advice her and comfort her with my words. I'm glad.
I should really start taking my own advice; to not care about the future, to stop worrying about things that are uncertain. To just leave everything up to the Lord. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen on it's own terms. For once I want to stop trying so hard to get the things I want. I've been working so hard at everything. And for once I want everything to fall in place on it's own. Especially with this. I'm not giving up, I just want to stop trying so hard for one. The ambitious and passionate person in me won't allow me to really give up. no, I'll still work towards what I want to happen, just that I won't give it my all. When I give it my all and it doesn't go as I hoped it would--I end up the emotional wreck I try to avoid.
Meterse a un cuarto de un dios noctambulo
Y esperar a que este dormido
Para robarle algun verso suyo.
I'm sorry I lead a sad life and vent on here. Reading sad things is not a great thing, but, like I explained it to a friend a few days ago, I write all of this not to make people feel sorry for me, but for someone, somewhere out there can learn from what I give. Can see that aside from all the crap I go through, I'm still here. And so grateful for it.
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